Parenting and Step-parenting

[ChamberNut]

Ahh, the joys, wonders, trials and tribulations of parenting!  This will be the thread.

I have an 11 year-old son, who is in Grade 6 right now.  I think it's going to be a very LONG year. 

He's already conveniently 'forgotten' his homework at school or his book on a handful of occasions (and it's only been a month)!

Also, the 'little lies' are starting to occur.

I find myself a little helpless in this regard, since he does have two active parents (his biological father and my wife).  I wish I could be a bit more involved in the decisions and discipline, even though I know it's technically not my place.

Just venting......

[Holden]

Ahh, the joys, wonders, trials and tribulations of parenting!  This will be the thread.

I have an 11 year-old son, who is in Grade 6 right now.  I think it's going to be a very LONG year. 

He's already conveniently 'forgotten' his homework at school or his book on a handful of occasions (and it's only been a month)!

Also, the 'little lies' are starting to occur.

I find myself a little helpless in this regard, since he does have two active parents (his biological father and my wife).  I wish I could be a bit more involved in the decisions and discipline, even though I know it's technically not my place.

Just venting......

If you are living under the same roof with him, providing him with the necessities of life (including emotional and physical support) then technically it is your place. Like all parenting situations with two adults in a household it is up to them to show a united front otherwise the child will easily find a way to play you off against each other. The tenor of your post suggests that he already has.

Whatever the situation, you need to talk to your partner and work this out immediately or the household will continue to be ruled by the child. As a teacher, I've come across this time and again and shake my head ruefully at the situations where the adults, often by proxy, have handed the control of the family over to a child.

Conversely, if your partner does not want you involved in the upbringing of her child then that is a concern especially as she is actually giving this boy the message that not all adults need to be shown the necessary respect. This may not be her intention but I can guarantee that this is the message that the boy is getting.

This may sound harsh but I've seen this end in disaster so many times. You need to act.

[WI Dan]

If you are living under the same roof with him, providing him with the necessities of life (including emotional and physical support) then technically it is your place. Like all parenting situations with two adults in a household it is up to them to show a united front otherwise the child will easily find a way to play you off against each other. The tenor of your post suggests that he already has.

Whatever the situation, you need to talk to your partner and work this out immediately or the household will continue to be ruled by the child. As a teacher, I've come across this time and again and shake my head ruefully at the situations where the adults, often by proxy, have handed the control of the family over to a child.

Conversely, if your partner does not want you involved in the upbringing of her child then that is a concern especially as she is actually giving this boy the message that not all adults need to be shown the necessary respect. This may not be her intention but I can guarantee that this is the message that the boy is getting.

This may sound harsh but I've seen this end in disaster so many times. You need to act.

Sound advice from Down Under.  Well said, Holden.

Children need guidance and discipline.  We can't expect a child to become a responsible adult if his parents refuse to take responsibility for raising them.  ChamberNut, ... you aren't "helpless" unless you choose to be helpless.  I sincerely hope you manage to turn this situation around. 

[secondwind]

In the schools here, children start Middle School in 6th grade, and frequently they have a difficult time transitioning from Elementary School to the much greater demands for organization, responsibility, and independence of Middle School. If your son has entered a new school environment, he may be struggling to adjust.  Sometimes those "little lies" are a desperate attempt to avoid punishment for failures they feel they can't prevent.  He may need help meeting these new demands. 

But obviously, it will be important for the three parents in his life to be communicating with one another as well as with him and the school, and, so far as possible, to be on the same page as far as what is expected.  This is a real challenge for "blended" families.  I don't know that there is any "best" way to handle the complicated negotiations of co-parenting a child in situations like this, but if you all have the child's best interests at heart and are willing to communicate with each other, I hope you'll find a way that works for your family.  Good luck to you all.

[Lilas Pastia]

Nothing about grand-parenting?

Our daughter and her baby daughter (22 months old - the 'terrible two' already under way) live with us - no father. He exists, but we'd like to think he doesn't . Having two mothers and one father figure but none really "in charge" is quite a challenge. All parents know that what's at stake is simply the child's emotional balance. That will help or hamper him/her throughout his/her life. The responsibility is daunting. You're so afraid to make mistakes - even after having raised 3 children. We find it's even more delicate because she isn't our own, but we care for her just as much.

There are no right or wrong moves. As long as love dictates them.

[Herman]

The united front issue is crucial. However, the mother should IMHO do the heavy lifting, because you'll always be stepdad, not the real thing. Especially at this age this latter issue could get really ugly. So as far as I can tell, this needs to be worked out between the adults first.

Look at the bright side, too. Being in 3d place is not that bad, after all.

[Holden]

The united front issue is crucial. However, the mother should IMHO do the heavy lifting, because you'll always be stepdad, not the real thing. Especially at this age this latter issue could get really ugly. So as far as I can tell, this needs to be worked out between the adults first.

Look at the bright side, too. Being in 3d place is not that bad, after all.

Sorry Hermann but I have to disagree here. In this case 3rd place appears to be last place. Yes, mothers tend be the ones that do the heavy work but a supportive partner who is prepared to back her up (and be supported by her in doing so) is a major plus for the child and the family as a whole.

Issues do get ugly and they have to be handled, not avoided.

Finally, being a stepdad is very tough role but the presence of a positive male influence makes so much difference to both boys and girls. When you consider the biological father is now mainly absent from the scene then a caring and loving stepdad can work wonders. I've seen it work so many times where there is a positive outcome for the child.

One of the interesting alternatives is that I as a male teacher can also do a lot of good for kids who do not have a male role model in the home. I now accept that as part of my job and take my daily interactions with all of my students with that thought in the back of my mind - in loco parentis. However, my role ceases at the end of the school day and parents don't have that luxury. Parenting is a full time job that you take on for twenty plus years and I admire all parents for their willingness to do this. It's the most important occupation in the world.

[Herman]

Finally, being a stepdad is very tough role but the presence of a positive male influence makes so much difference to both boys and girls. When you consider the biological father is now mainly absent from the scene then a caring and loving stepdad can work wonders. I've seen it work so many times where there is a positive outcome for the child.

I think ChamberNut described the biological father as being an "active parent". Second, I didn't say the mother should do the heavy lifting because she happens to be female, but because she's the biological parent, period. Of course I cannot judge the particulars in this case, but I believe generally stepparents should be very subtle and careful in providing discipline actively and sternly, so as to avoid being rejected as not the real thing. You don't want to get into the situation where the kid says, 'if you don't like it just sod off; I was here first.' Providing discipline etc by example is an entirely different matter.

[ChamberNut]

Thank you for all the feedback and advice so far, I appreciate it. 

To clarify a bit, yes both biological parents are active and involved parents with my stepson.  He is a good kid, never gets into any fights or in trouble with other kids or teachers at school.

He just seems to be, for a lack of a better word - lazy when it comes to responsibilities like homework or chores.  Always needs to be reminded not to forget to do this, or forget his homework, lunch, basketball, you name it!    I was never so forgetful like this when I was young, but I've heard that it is relatively common for young boys to have poor memory and forget a lot of stuff.

I am allowed to discipline my stepson, especially when my wife isn't around, but my wife has stated that for the most part, the disciplining and such will be taken care of by her and her ex.  I am allowed and encouraged for my input, but quite frankly I don't feel qualified half the time (ie. as if I'd no better than the actual parents, I've never had kids of my own).

My stepson is also very secretive (if something is bothering him, he won't ever say what it is unless you almost literally drag it out of him).  He has a lot of insecurities (understandably since his parents divorced).  We are considering some counselling, but just wonder if that might just make him even more reticent to communicate and make things worse (give him a complex that he's 'not right')?

[owlice]

Ummm.... the kid has forgotten his homework or books a few times. That doesn't sound to me as though he is ruling the house; it sounds to me like he is 11.

ChamberNut, step-parenting is a thankless job, for many years, and I think it takes a special person to pull it off.

Re: the counseling, your stepson might actually welcome it, for that would give him someone to confide in who isn't a parental (or step-parental) unit.

Lilas, aren't 22-month-olds great? When I was (a lot) younger, I used to say I wanted to give birth to 2-year-olds, because 2s are just so interesting!! Of course, when I DID give birth, I was very glad NOT to be giving birth to a 2-year-old!  And I wouldn't have missed those baby days for anything.

Parenting is the most interesting job I've ever had. Hardest and most expensive, too!

I envy you the 22-month-old in your midst; what fun!

[Herman]

He just seems to be, for a lack of a better word - lazy when it comes to responsibilities like homework or chores.  Always needs to be reminded not to forget to do this, or forget his homework, lunch, basketball, you name it!    I was never so forgetful like this when I was young, but I've heard that it is relatively common for young boys to have poor memory and forget a lot of stuff.

[...]

My stepson is also very secretive (if something is bothering him, he won't ever say what it is unless you almost literally drag it out of him).  He has a lot of insecurities (understandably since his parents divorced).  We are considering some counselling, but just wonder if that might just make him even more reticent to communicate and make things worse (give him a complex that he's 'not right')?

Maybe you've forgotten how much you forgot as a teen?

You know if this is the worst I think it's pretty average. Many kids this age keep stuff to themselves; and having two parents in two different places doesn't really help, but I wouldn't problematize it too much. The thing to watch most is perhaps what kind of friends he's getting. He's fast appoaching the point where peers / freinds will have more influence on what he does and doesn't than parents.

This all from an ancient dad of a delightful two-and-a-half year old, so it ain't worth more than two cents...

[Keemun]

ChamberNut, I have two step-sons, ages 13 and 15, so I know how you feel.  As step-parents it is possible to overstep our bounds and assert our opinions too strongly.  Especially when both biological parents are active in raising a child.  But it is also possible to take too much of a hands-off approach and not being involved enough.  It's really a balancing act. 

[ChamberNut]

ChamberNut, I have two step-sons, ages 13 and 15, so I know how you feel.  As step-parents it is possible to overstep our bounds and assert our opinions too strongly.  Especially when both biological parents are active in raising a child.  But it is also possible to take too much of a hands-off approach and not being involved enough.  It's really a balancing act.  

Todd, I did not know you have two step-sons!  It is great to know that I am not alone.  

I really think I have in the past been too much 'hands-off', and I am trying to be more involved....at the same time remembering to try not to go overboard, as that would probably make things worse.  

Wow, 13 and 15 years old.  Todd, at that age, they must really, really listen to everything you say and care about all of your opinions, huh? 

[Keemun]

Todd, I did not know you have two step-sons!  It is great to know that I am not alone.  

I really think I have in the past been too much 'hands-off', and I am trying to be more involved....at the same time remembering to try not to go overboard, as that would probably make things worse.  

Wow, 13 and 15 years old.  Todd, at that age, they must really, really listen to everything you say and care about all of your opinions, huh? 

I also have a son and daughter from my first marriage, ages 11 and 12.  I think all teens and pre-teens have selective hearing.  I know I did when I was their age.   

[Dana]

I also have a son and daughter from my first marriage, ages 11 and 12...  ...I know I did when I was their age.   

You had an 11-year-old and a 12-year-old when you their age?! That doesn't seem physically possible...