Author Topic: Some Classical Music Jokes  (Read 12387 times)

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Offline Superhorn

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Some Classical Music Jokes
« on: May 19, 2009, 01:33:09 PM »
  What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner.

 What do you yell before you drop it? See sharp or be flat.

  What's the difference between an opera diva and a pit bull? Jewelry.

  What's the difference between an opera diva and a terrorist?
  You can negotiate with a terrorist.

   What's the difference between a French hornist and a scud missle?

   A scud missle is more accurate.

   How do you know when a Wagner soprano has died? The horses seem very relieved.

  Where is a tenor's resonance?  Where his brain is supposed to be.

  Why are orchestral intermissions limited to 20 minutes?  So they don't have to retrain the drummers.

  What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull? The orchestra has the horns in the rear and the ass up front.
 
  Why is the French horn a divine instrument? Because man blows into it,
and only God knows what will come out.

   What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.


   
      :)      ;)      :D       ;D



   

   

Offline Lethevich

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2009, 10:51:31 PM »
  What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner.

 What do you yell before you drop it? See sharp or be flat.

Well played! :D
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Offline lordlawler

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2009, 03:35:14 PM »
How do you get a Violist to play soft?

Mark it "solo"

Offline Brian

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2009, 12:23:08 PM »
How do you get a Violist to play soft?

Mark it "solo"
;D
There's actually a Naxos CD called "The Art of the Viola" which comes with a discussion of viola jokes in the booklet:


--

In earlier times viola-players were given the unflattering title of ‘third violins’. Superannuated or uninspired violinists were relegated to the viola section, a position that had no standing. To play second viola even today one can be very very old. This is the origin of the essential viola joke: ‘What do you do with a dead principal violist?’ - ‘Put him on the second desk’.

There are hundreds of viola jokes. Unsupported theories about their origin circulate (someone must have put strings by mistake on the violin case) and a last question for musicians is: ‘If you see a conductor and a viola-player on the road, which do you run over first? - ‘Always the conductor, as work comes before pleasure’. And ‘If the conductor has been dealt with, the violaplayer will not have got far’. Hard on the viola-player is the story of one who complains to the conductor about the principal clarinet: ‘He has put one of my strings out of tune and will not tell me which’. We are accused of only being able to play our instrument with the help of a crib: ‘Viola left, bow to the right’. To add to all this comes the accusation of faint-heartedness: ‘How do you get a viola-player to play tremolo?’ - ‘Write solo in big letters over the part’.

Moments of reaction are few and the violist has developed a kind of proud composure that gives strength to his vocation. Yet I advise no-one to insult us. In the first place the viola-player has naturally big hands, and secondly we actually give the lie to all such prejudices: the first woman, apart from the traditional harpist, to join the century-old male club of the Vienna Philharmonic was my colleague, the violist Ursula Plaichinger.

hornteacher

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2009, 05:29:59 PM »
A "G", a "Bb", and a "D" walk into a bar.......

the bartender says "Sorry we don't serve minors."

<rim shot>

Offline Bogey

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2009, 05:33:25 PM »
A "G", a "Bb", and a "D" walk into a bar.......

the bartender says "Sorry we don't serve minors."

<rim shot>

 :D  (PS The rim shot made it.)
There will never be another era like the Golden Age of Hollywood.  We didn't know how to blow up buildings then so we had no choice but to tell great stories with great characters.-Ben Mankiewicz

hornteacher

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2009, 07:51:05 PM »
:D  (PS The rim shot made it.)

Thank you, tip your waitresses.......or just knock them over.

Offline KevinP

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #7 on: May 24, 2009, 01:03:31 AM »
  What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull? The orchestra has the horns in the rear and the ass up front.


I think that one would be better inverted:
The bull has horns up front and its ass in the back.

Tips the polysemy of ass so that the more insulting meaning is implied.

Maybe that's just me, and either way it's a minor difference. (Not an 'A Minor" joke.)

Offline xaduci

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #8 on: February 21, 2014, 12:09:21 AM »
Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher? Because Beethoven's teacher was Haydn.

 :P

Offline amw

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2014, 12:19:49 AM »
Quote
The conductor of a local orchestra is rehearsing. It is a clarinet concerto. The clarinet soloist constantly fluffs her entries. The conductor becomes more and more agitated. Eventually, he strides over to her, grabs her by the throat, squeezes and squeezes and squeezes... and she is dead!

Arrested and accordingly charged with murder, the conductor is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair.

Come the day of execution, the prison warder asks him, "Do you have any last request?"

"Yes, says the conductor, "bring me a banana".

A banana is thereupon procured. The conductor peels the banana, eats it, and puts the banana skin in his pocket. He is strapped into the chair; a signal is given and the shock administered. And nothing happens! The conductor serves several years in gaol, and on release, moves to another town, where he takes up a new position as conductor of the local orchestra.

One day, in rehearsal, the timpanist repeatedly misses his entries. The conductor becomes increasingly agitated, and, as before, walks up to the timpanist, grabs him by the throat, and strangles him to death!

He is arrested, charged with murder, and sentenced to the electric chair. "Any last request?", asks the gaoler; "Yes, I'd like a banana". He takes it, removes the skin, puts it in his pocket, and eats the banana. The shock is administered, and... again... nothing happens! Once more, he serves his sentence, and on release moves to a new location, where once more (believe it or not!) he is appointed conductor of the local orchestra.

Same thing happens in rehearsal one day. Violinist keeps making mistakes; conductor loses control, strangles him, is arrested, charged with murder, found guilty, sentenced to the electric chair... asks for banana, eats it, puts the skin in his pocket, shock administered, and nothing happens.

"Tell us, please tell us how you do it!" says the prison governor; "How is it that, time after time, you commit murder, are sentenced to the electric chair, but when we press the button, nothing happens? How do you explain this extraordinary phenomenon - because we'd really like to know?"

"It's all perfectly simple, really", answers the man, "you see, I'm a bad conductor"
Source varies. This version from 'Serial_Apologist' of FoR3.

Offline EigenUser

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #10 on: February 22, 2014, 05:05:40 PM »
I hate to add another viola joke, but -- what the hell:

What is the difference between a tailor and a violist?
A tailor tucks up the frills. And a violist? Well, you can figure it out from there.

I don't know that many music jokes. Most jokes I know are about math or engineering (my username being a sort of pun/inside-joke) and their quality is questionable.

Actually, I just thought of another -- more of a funny story. We were sight-reading the "Rite of Spring" in my university's orchestra and when we got to that brutally violent part with the measure of 11 quarter notes (just before "glorification") our conductor told us to keep track of how many to play with the convenient 11-syllable sentence "I-gor-Stra-vin-sky-is-a-son-of-a-*****!"
Beethoven's Op. 133 -- A fugue so bad that even Beethoven himself called it "Grosse".

Ken B

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #11 on: February 22, 2014, 05:20:32 PM »
I hate to add another viola joke, but -- what the hell:

What is the difference between a tailor and a violist?
A tailor tucks up the frills. And a violist? Well, you can figure it out from there.

I don't know that many music jokes. Most jokes I know are about math or engineering (my username being a sort of pun/inside-joke) and their quality is questionable.

Actually, I just thought of another -- more of a funny story. We were sight-reading the "Rite of Spring" in my university's orchestra and when we got to that brutally violent part with the measure of 11 quarter notes (just before "glorification") our conductor told us to keep track of how many to play with the convenient 11-syllable sentence "I-gor-Stra-vin-sky-is-a-son-of-a-*****!"
An infinite line of engineers walks into a bar. I'll have half a beer says the first. I'll have a quarter of a beer says the second I'll have an eighth of a beer says the third one,
Bartender holds up his hand as he places two beers onto the bar and he says you guys you got to know your limit.

What's purple and commutes? An abelian grape.

I'm here all week, be sure to tip your waitstaff.

Offline EigenUser

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #12 on: February 22, 2014, 05:41:58 PM »
An infinite line of engineers walks into a bar. I'll have half a beer says the first. I'll have a quarter of a beer says the second I'll have an eighth of a beer says the third one,
Bartender holds up his hand as he places two beers onto the bar and he says you guys you got to know your limit.

What's purple and commutes? An abelian grape.

I'm here all week, be sure to tip your waitstaff.
Oh my god -- abelian grapes, er, I mean groups  ???. I took a course on vector spaces last Fall. Bad memories and a lot of low grades. Well, the professor was awesome so not so much with the bad memories, but definitely the low grades!. I have had a lot of math classes, but I hadn't ever taken a formal "proof" course before and didn't understand that this was an absolute essential (not listed as a prerequisite). Fortunately the professor really didn't want to fail anyone, so I ended up with a decent (if undeserved) grade in the end. Interestingly, he was a former classical music critic! Lots of interesting conversations.
Beethoven's Op. 133 -- A fugue so bad that even Beethoven himself called it "Grosse".

Offline Mirror Image

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #13 on: February 22, 2014, 09:27:57 PM »

Actually, I just thought of another -- more of a funny story. We were sight-reading the "Rite of Spring" in my university's orchestra and when we got to that brutally violent part with the measure of 11 quarter notes (just before "glorification") our conductor told us to keep track of how many to play with the convenient 11-syllable sentence "I-gor-Stra-vin-sky-is-a-son-of-a-*****!"

Lol... :P
"Humility is society's greatest misconception."

Offline Superhorn

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #14 on: February 24, 2014, 11:47:05 AM »
   What do you call a house occcupied by horn  players ?  A  crack house  !!!!



     :laugh:                                      :laugh:                                              :laugh:

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #15 on: February 24, 2014, 11:57:34 AM »
What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians?
The percussionist.

Offline k a rl h e nn i ng

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Re: Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #16 on: February 24, 2014, 01:49:00 PM »
What do you call the guy who hangs out with the musicians?
The percussionist.

Ouch!
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Offline amw

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #17 on: February 24, 2014, 04:48:29 PM »
Similarly:

Musicality, n. What to praise when a musician plays the wrong notes.

Ken B

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #18 on: February 24, 2014, 04:50:27 PM »
Similarly:

Musicality, n. What to praise when a musician plays the wrong notes.
Sounds like Ambrose Bierce.

Offline EigenUser

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Re: Some Classical Music Jokes
« Reply #19 on: February 24, 2014, 05:22:15 PM »
Sounds like Ambrose Bierce.
Ah, "The Devil's Dictionary". I'm honestly surprised that I remembered that from 11th grade literature.

Two about Stockhausen (from his website!):
Beethoven's Op. 133 -- A fugue so bad that even Beethoven himself called it "Grosse".