Something amusing that I've just run across

[Steve]

THE MOZART EFFECT
A new reoprt now says that the mozart effect is a fraud. Playing his music for babies in the womb appears to have little effect. Of course, we're all better off listening to mozrt purely for the pleasure of it. On the other hand, other composers' music appears to have dramatic effects:

LISZT EFFECT
Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.

BRUCKNER EFFECT
Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.

WAGNER EFFECT
Child becomes a megolomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

MAHLER EFFECT
Child continually screams-at great length and volume-that hes dying.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT
Child never repeats a word until hes used all other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him .

BABBITT EFFECT
Child gibbers nonsense all the time. People stop listening to him. Child doesnt care because all his playmates think he's cool.

IVES EFFECT
The child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several seperate conversations at once.

GLASS EFFECT
The child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

STRAVINSKY EFFECT
The child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool. Eventually gains respect and admiration of classmates and adults alike.

BRAHMS EFFECT
The child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences contain multiples of three words. However his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.

CAGE EFFECT
Child says nothing for four minutes, 33 seconds. Preferred by 9 out of 10 teachers. 

[Symphonien]

Haha, brilliant! Thanks for that.

[knight66]

Then there is the Elgar effect, where blind advocacy puts off even the sympathetic from listening to his music.

Mike

[greg]

THE MOZART EFFECT
A new reoprt now says that the mozart effect is a fraud. Playing his music for babies in the womb appears to have little effect. Of course, we're all better off listening to mozrt purely for the pleasure of it. On the other hand, other composers' music appears to have dramatic effects:

LISZT EFFECT
Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.

BRUCKNER EFFECT
Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains reputation for profundity.

WAGNER EFFECT
Child becomes a megolomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

MAHLER EFFECT
Child continually screams-at great length and volume-that hes dying.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT
Child never repeats a word until hes used all other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him .

BABBITT EFFECT
Child gibbers nonsense all the time. People stop listening to him. Child doesnt care because all his playmates think he's cool.

IVES EFFECT
The child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several seperate conversations at once.

GLASS EFFECT
The child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

STRAVINSKY EFFECT
The child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that often lead to fighting and pandemonium in the preschool. Eventually gains respect and admiration of classmates and adults alike.

BRAHMS EFFECT
The child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences contain multiples of three words. However his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.

CAGE EFFECT
Child says nothing for four minutes, 33 seconds. Preferred by 9 out of 10 teachers. 

dude, you're about to give me an injury from laughing so hard! 

ok, let's all think of some more......

[greg]

wait..... i'll come up with stuff tomorrow.

honestly, i've hardly ever laughed this hard and long. This is one of the funniest things i've ever read!

[Kullervo]

SIBELIUS EFFECT

Child speaks only in run-on sentences.

[MishaK]

MESSIAEN EFFECT

Child develops ability to replicate birdsong and becomes deeply religious.

[Steve]

PAGANINI EFFECT:

Child is a self-absorbed conceit, with little patience for the whims of others. Can often be seen painting large images of himself on school furniture. Rumored to be endowed with super-human abilities.

[Mozart]

Idiots, really who would believe that? Im going to have my child look at complex math equations when he is a baby, maybe he will be a genius. I don't understand how people buy into all this garbage. I used to make fun of women for buying so much fitness crap but now men have proven to be no better with all the penis enlargement pills and body spray commercials. Not to mention baldness cures... Humans are really dumb sometimes.

[Steve]

Idiots, really who would believe that? Im going to have my child look at complex math equations when he is a baby, maybe he will be a genius. I don't understand how people buy into all this garbage. I used to make fun of women for buying so much fitness crap but now men have proven to be no better with all the penis enlargement pills and body spray commercials. Not to mention baldness cures... Humans are really dumb sometimes.

Ah, it makes for good comic material. 

[Harry]

A very creative thread!
Made me laugh out loud several times.

[Mark]

Im going to have my child look at complex math equations when he is a baby, maybe he will be a genius.

THE BACH EFFECT?

[mahlertitan]

good stuff, this is Facebook material!

[BachQ]

Then there is the Elgar effect, where blind advocacy puts off even the sympathetic from listening to his music.

Mike

   

[BachQ]

looks like the "Elgar effect" is popular! 

But hopefully not contagious .......

[greg]

these i made up last night

PENDERECKI EFFECT
Child communicates in a savage, strange way. He doesn't use words to talk- usually he just hits stuff with sticks, make noise with a saw, whistles, or crumples up paper. However, when he does talk, it usually comes out in screams that lead the other kids to believe that he learned how to talk by listening to a TV that doesn't get any reception.

SATIE EFFECT
Child talks very slow, in a monotone voice, stays on the same subject for awhile, spaces his words out 3 seconds at a time, making all of his friends fall asleep whenever he talks.

TAKEMITSU EFFECT
Child always talks so quiet that no one can hear him. Every now and then he'll get excited at a moment's notice and just as quickly talk quiet again. No one has any idea what causes his voice to get louder, it's beyond explanation. Also, he tends to change the subject every 10-15 seconds.

BACH EFFECT
Child likes to use hidden symbols when he speaks. He may incorporate the letters of his name into certain patterns when he's saying stuff. This is actually a recent discovery, as no one knew until researchers have discovered patterns in documents and speeches of people whose mothers have said to use the Bach effect during pregnancy. This child also opts to say stuff that could be said backwards and fordwards (and often does).

SHOSTAKOVICH EFFECT
Child keeps on laughing about the fact that he's gonna die soon. Is very withdrawn. You can talk to the kid, but you'll just see him staring off into space, muttering, "Death... hahaha. Death....." and then he'll start marching.

SCHNITTKE EFFECT
Child likes to talk about every subject in the world in just a few minutes, and throw in profanity all the time. One second, he'll be talking about ponies, the next video games. Then birds, then anatomy, then computers, then movies, then spaceships, then pillows, then Calculus, then medieval torture devices, etc.

REICH EFFECT
Child becomes sorta like a cross-breed of a GLASS and IVES EFFECT kid. He can carry on a conversation with himself and make it sound like several conversations at the same time. Favorite phrase is, "Come out (of the closet)."

SAARIAHO EFFECT
Child communicates in slow whispers that last a long time. Friends get creeped out a lot, saying the kid sounds like a ghost.

RESPIGHI EFFECT
Colors fly out of the child's mouth when he talks. Has a disturbing obsession with Fountains, birds, and Rome.

SCRIABIN EFFECT
Child believes he will transcend himself and the world, most likely to become a cult leader.

PROKOFIEV EFFECT
Child continually laughs at other kids. Everyone hates him, though the child just laughs at them and keeps on saying how great he is. Is the most likely to steal all of the cookies from the cookie jar and laugh at the other kids for not being quick enough.

XENAKIS EFFECT
This one is one of the rarest, most unusual cases, and very harmful. Children with the Xenakis effect are reported to speak in a highly complex pitch accent system with the pitch of their voice rising and falling dramatically at any given moment, so much that they are usually not understood. Chinese kids with the Xenakis effect have it the worst- no one ever understands what the heck they're saying. Researchers have studied the tonal system of Xenakis effect children and have tried to give mathematical explanations. One scientist a couple of years ago gave an approximation of 88 tones, but his views are not widely accepted. What's widely accepted is that there really are no rules for the system- the child just likes to hear his voice go up and down.

GORECKI EFFECT
Child has a split personality, possibly manic depressive. Will go through a period of violence and bank robbing, gang fights and murder. Then he'll repent and go to church every day and feel the divine wonders of heaven and joy and pass it on to the world. Then he'll get tired of it and go back to being bad. The cycle continues and sometimes shrinks to where he'll go to jail and then the very same day read the Bible to his fellow inmates. Then the next day he'll kill 'em.

PAGANINI EFFECT
Child likes to show off. Usually has no less than 5 girlfriends at the same time, but they always complain because he wants to spend more time playing violin than playing them. Often talks so fast that no one can understand what he's saying, but they admire his speed.

RACHMANINOV EFFECT
Child's facial muscles are frozen for life. Is likely to consult hypnotists for nervous breakdowns.

DVORAK EFFECT
Child talks so clearly that you can understand every word, although he never talks about anything exciting.

ORFF EFFECT
Child will talk out of breath all the time. People will ask, "Have you been running?" He'll say, "No, I just woke up..."

NONO EFFECT
Child will have the exceptional ability to imitate the sound of a crowd talking at the same time with just his voice alone. When researchers finally discovered what Nono effect children where talking about, they were surprised to see that it was all just propaganda messages.

[S709]

Funny stuff... I couldn't help making up a few more:


STOCKHAUSEN EFFECT
Child has a compulsive habit of counting out loud in German and insists he comes from Sirius rather than Earth.

WEBERN EFFECT
Child always expresses himself eloquently in about 50 seconds or less.

PETTERSSON EFFECT
Child enters into an irreversible lifelong depression.

KANCHELI EFFECT
Child alternates between speaking very softly and gently, and screaming as loud as possible.

FERNEYHOUGH EFFECT
Child uses vocabulary and sentence structure so complex that he is only understood by linguistic specialists.

PIERRE SCHAEFFER EFFECT
Child believes all sound and noise around him at all times is music.

HARRY PARTCH EFFECT
Child refuses to use any existing tools or technology, and re-invents everything for himself. Compulsively rides the rails as primary means of transportation.

[greg]

HARRY PARTCH EFFECT
Child refuses to use any existing tools or technology, and re-invents everything for himself. Compulsively rides the rails as primary means of transportation.

or you could add to that "child rejects his native language and invents his own" 

[Kullervo]

FELDMAN EFFECT

Child takes an exorbitant amount of time to say something completely banal.

[Dancing Divertimentian]

SCHUBERT EFFECT

Child feels everything is best served in heavenly lengths...especially tantrums...