The Joke Thread

[George]

This cheeseburger walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve food here."

[Irons]

A thief holds up a Bank.
He fires a shotgun in the air and demands everyone to lie on the floor.
As he did so his balaclava slips.
He said to the first prone customer "did you see my face?" who replied "Yes" so he shot him.
To the second he said "did you see my face?" who replied "Yes" so he shot him.
To the third he said "did you see my face?" who replied "No, but the wife did". 

[Florestan]

A thief holds up a Bank.
He fires a shotgun in the air and demands everyone to lie on the floor.
As he did so his balaclava slips.
He said to the first prone customer "did you see my face?" who replied "Yes" so he shot him.
To the second he said "did you see my face?" who replied "Yes" so he shot him.
To the third he said "did you see my face?" who replied "No, but the wife did". 

 

[DaveF]

I'm a masochist - I love a cold bath every morning, so I don't have one.

[prémont]

First person: "Have you seen The Invisible Man?"
Second person: "No, that's not possible."

[Karl Henning]

Posted by Philip Proctor on FB:

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious.
So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"Isn't it terrible the way Biden stole the election?"

[Florestan]

A bar full of people, somewhere in the Wild West. Enters an agitated fellow, crying out lout: Folks, run for your life! Gonzalez is coming!

All patrons exit in frightened disarray. The bartender, a young fellow on his first day, hides under the counter.

After a long while, enters a tall and strongly built man, a ferocious countenance and armed to the teeth. Bartender, I want a bottle of whisky!

The bartender, trembling and barely standing, emerges from under the counter and gives the guy a bottle and a glass. The guy takes them, sits at a table and starts drinking in silence.

After finishing the bottle, he asks the bartender: How much do I owe you, son?

The bartender stutters in fright: Nothing, sir, it's on the house!.

The armed guy tips his hat to the bartender, walks to the doors and just before exiting turns around: Son, why don't you leave while you can? You know, Gonzalez is coming!

[vandermolen]

Not really a joke but this extract from an obituary of a leading Headmaster (who has died aged 98) made me laugh:

'In 1955, he married Veronica Maconochie, a fine musician who could play any tune by ear (ideally Gershwin and Cole Porter), and who charmed boys and dons alike with her spontaneity, vivacity and eccentricity. As newlyweds, they lived in a small first-floor flat overlooking Bristol Zoo, where Veronica was occasionally startled by a friendly giraffe looking through the window.'

(Daily Telegraph Online)

[Pohjolas Daughter]

Not really a joke but this extract from an obituary of a leading Headmaster (who has died aged 98) made me laugh:

'In 1955, he married Veronica Maconochie, a fine musician who could play any tune by ear (ideally Gershwin and Cole Porter), and who charmed boys and dons alike with her spontaneity, vivacity and eccentricity. As newlyweds, they lived in a small first-floor flat overlooking Bristol Zoo, where Veronica was occasionally startled by a friendly giraffe looking through the window.'

(Daily Telegraph Online)

Sweet! 

Did you work with him at all Jeffrey?

PD

[Florestan]

Speaking of Zoo...

(Background: during the last years of the Communist regime policemen, especially low ranks, were reputed to be extremely stupid)

A low rank policeman enters the station house dragging an ostrich by leash.

The chief inspector: What the hell is that, constable?

The constable: I found it in the streets, sir. What should I do with it?

The chief inspector: Imbecile! Take it to the Zoo immediately!

The constable: Sir, yes, sir!

The next day, the chief inspector sees the constable in the street, dragging the same ostrich by the same leash.

The chief inspector: You idiot! Didn't I tell you yesterday to take it to the Zoo?

The constable: Aye, sir, and I did. Today I'm going to take it to the cinema!

[vandermolen]

Sweet! 

Did you work with him at all Jeffrey?

PD

No I didn't PD

[vandermolen]

Speaking of Zoo...

(Background: during the last years of the Communist regime policemen, especially low ranks, were reputed to be extremely stupid)

A low rank policeman enters the station house dragging an ostrich by leash.

The chief inspector: What the hell is that, constable?

The constable: I found it in the streets, sir. What should I do with it?

The chief inspector: Imbecile! Take it to the Zoo immediately!

The constable: Sir, yes, sir!

The next day, the chief inspector sees the constable in the street, dragging the same ostrich by the same leash.

The chief inspector: You idiot! Didn't I tell you yesterday to take it to the Zoo?

The constable: Aye, sir, and I did. Today I'm going to take it to the cinema!

V good!

[Irons]

Two tramps on a park bench.
One says to the other "your feet stink!"
They meet up a week later.
"Did you sort out your smelly feet?"
The other tramp replied "Well yes, I put on a clean pair of socks every day but by Friday I couldn't get my shoes on!"

[arkiv]

Why was the taco crying?

Because onions were being chopped in front of him.

 

[Irons]

[Karl Henning]

Seen on Threads. Read at your own risk:

"Every morning I take my pet cow for a long walk in the local vineyard.

Yes...

I herd it through the grapevine."