50 Things That Only Happen in the Movies

[Mark]

To make heroes look particularly 'hard', the director will ensure they're not thrown to the ground whenever an explosion that could fell a rainforest happens just two metres from where they're standing.

Sex is never messy ... or embarrassingly noisy.

Pistols with magazines that can hold about ten rounds maximum go on firing indefinitely.

When the hero is thrown through plate glass, he never has cuts on his hands.

Cars always explode whenever they leave the road suddenly and hit anything.

The character who cracks jokes is always the sidekick in an action movie.

In 80s action flicks, the heroes are always half-naked ... and oiled?

[Lethevich]

The character who cracks jokes is always the sidekick in an action movie.

OBJECTION!!!!!!!!!! Beverly Hills Cop

[Sergeant Rock]

The driving hero makes a risky overtake. On the other-way lane a truck approaches. The only action the truck's driver takes is tooting the horn while maintaining exactly the same course and speed.

This is related to the brakeless trains in Hollywood films. If a car or a person is stranded on the tracks, the train's engineer will do nothing but blow his horn. The most unintentionally comical and unrealistic example I can think of occurs in Stand By Me. The boys are crossing a high, narrow railroad bridge. Even though the driver sees them in plenty of time, he does not apply the brakes but merely toots his horn...and speeds up for all we know. I think he's hoping they'll jump to their deaths. That's what I was hoping for anyway    

Sarge

[Mark]

OBJECTION!!!!!!!!!! Beverly Hills Cop ...

... is a COMEDY action film, NOT a pure action movie like Rambo or Die Hard. Which is not to suggest that these two films have such wise-cracking sidekicks.

[Florestan]

Just thought of another one:  Cars are always parked with their doors unlocked, and can be started without keys.

Somehow related: front doors of good guys are never locked, or the key is in some flower pot.

No matter how many tough kicks you receive, your bones will never break. Conversely, you can break the neck or the arm of your opponent with just one kick. Moreover, after a harsh 10-minute fight your breathing will be as quiet as after a walk from bed to toilet.

Everybody in US sleeps naked.

If a cop is married with kids, neatly dressed, well-behaved and freshly shaven he is either corrupt or stupid. Conversely, the good cop is always single (or has a relationship with a sexy bitch), lousy, unshaven, foul-mouthed and alcoholic.

To be continued...

[Florestan]

Sex is never messy ... or embarrassingly noisy.

Objection: XXX movies...

[MishaK]

This is related to the brakeless trains in Hollywood films. If a car or a person is stranded on the tracks, the train's engineer will do nothing but blow his horn. The most unintentionally comical and unrealistic example I can think of occurs in Stand By Me. The boys are crossing a high, narrow railroad bridge. Even though the driver sees them in plenty of time, he does not apply the brakes but merely toots his horn...and speeds up for all we know. I think he's hoping they'll jump to their deaths. That's what I was hoping for anyway    

Actually, the worst is Speed, where Keanu Reaves, finding himself suddenly at the controls of an out of control subway, realizes that the brakes are non-operational and concludes - logically - that he must accelerate, instead of simply turning off the power (the subway being electric).

[Florestan]

Actually, the worst is Speed, where Keanu Reaves, finding himself suddenly at the controls of an out of control subway, realizes that the brakes are non-operational and concludes - logically - that he must accelerate, instead of simply turning off the power (the subway being electric).

Indeed this whole matter of suddenly non-operational brakes is particularly laughable.

[Maciek]

Hm, can't think of anything funny to add so I just dropped by to let you know how much I'm enjoying this thread. Thank you, Greta!

[Mark]

If there's a male/female love interest sub-plot (and there usually is), then it's odds on that the leading lad and lass will start out antagonistic towards each other. Fast forward 40 minutes, and it's kit off for the obligatory sex scene that adds zilch to the storyline.

[Gurn Blanston]

If there's a male/female love interest sub-plot (and there usually is), then it's odds on that the leading lad and lass will start out antagonistic towards each other. Fast forward 40 minutes, and it's kit off for the obligatory sex scene that adds zilch to the storyline.

HEY! That scene was vital and necessary to the plot. Cut that out!   

[Sergeant Rock]

I've lost track of the numbers, so I'll just randomly pick one:

101. When a woman takes a bath in a Hollywood film, she surrounds the bathtub with dozens of candles.

[sidoze]

I have a question (which might have been mentioned already, I don't know): why is it that in American films and TV shows, they never show real US currency? The money involved is always fake, and usually obviously so.

[Mark]

Any poor, picked-on high school movie heroine who wears glasses and keeps screwing up around guys and her bitchy classmates will end up looking stunning and acting completely confidently by the end of the film.

[sidoze]

This is related to the brakeless trains in Hollywood films. If a car or a person is stranded on the tracks, the train's engineer will do nothing but blow his horn. The most unintentionally comical and unrealistic example I can think of occurs in Stand By Me. The boys are crossing a high, narrow railroad bridge. Even though the driver sees them in plenty of time, he does not apply the brakes but merely toots his horn...and speeds up for all we know. I think he's hoping they'll jump to their deaths. That's what I was hoping for anyway    

Sarge

In 9th grade math I had a teacher who had a train fetish and he regularly took breaks from teaching to regale us (yeah right) with stories about trains and train history. I recall one in partuclar when he went off for a good 10 minutes about how train conductors are taught not to apply emergency brakes unless they know for certain that they can stop in time. Apparently using the emergency braking system completely ruins the discs and makes the train unusable until it's fully repaired and a new braking system is installed. And apparently the trains need a lot of space to stop when they're running at speed. Something like this anyway. So perhaps it's not so unrealistic after all.

[Florestan]

The bad guy finally has the hero at his gun point. Instead of shooting him, he launches on a lecture about his tough childhood or his superior cleverness or any other subject just long enough for either cops or hero's friend(s) to arrive or the hero to slowly and unseen pick up a gun / bat / whatever lying on the floor.

[Mark]

The bad guy finally has the hero at his gun point. Instead of shooting him, he launches on a lecture about his tough childhood or his superior cleverness or any other subject just long enough for either cops or hero's friend(s) to arrive or the hero to slowly and unseen pick up a gun / bat / whatever lying on the floor.

Haven't we had this one (or similar) already?


When a protagonist cop is running after a bad guy, he seems to have limitless physical stamina and can dodge traffic with ease or even jump impossible distances between two dizzyingly tall buildings.

[Florestan]

You can safely drive a car at full speed under the trailer of a truck if it's placed perpendicular across the road., the only side effect being that the car will turn into a convertible.

[Kullervo]

It is possible for men, dogs, and spaceships to outrun a violent explosion.

[Maciek]

In 9th grade math I had a teacher who had a train fetish and he regularly took breaks from teaching to regale us (yeah right) with stories about trains and train history. I recall one in partuclar when he went off for a good 10 minutes about how train conductors are taught not to apply emergency brakes unless they know for certain that they can stop in time. Apparently using the emergency braking system completely ruins the discs and makes the train unusable until it's fully repaired and a new braking system is installed. And apparently the trains need a lot of space to stop when they're running at speed. Something like this anyway. So perhaps it's not so unrealistic after all.

Yeah, but don't trains have other, "normal" brakes besides the emergency ones??