So it is incurable, but I plan to stay around for a while

[Karl Henning]

I have often thought I could divest myself of fully 1/3 of all the CDs, books, and DVDs I own, and would never miss a one of them.

If I am honest, I could probably say the same.

[Brahmsian]

I suspect the same is true of 99.999% of us here, though few would admit it.

("But I have to have that version!" - (even though it will sit on the shelf unheard forever and ever.))

I have often thought I could divest myself of fully 1/3 of all the CDs, books, and DVDs I own, and would never miss a one of them.

True!  And, realistically, how much time do we have in our busy lives to listen to perhaps more than 1 or 2 CD per day, on average?  2 x 365 = 730 CDs a year (on the high end for me).  I haven't checked recently, but my CD collection is probably around this amount, or less.  I might be able to listen to a CD once a year, but likely not.

I know some who have collections > 10,000 

[Bogey]

Silver Lining #12:  Say goodbye to CDCDCD! I am cured!!!

Paul, sorry I just caught this.  I have minimized my time here a bit and missed your original post.  However, reading this thread was a nice reminder of what is of import.  Stay well and please continue to post your inspiration.  You have always made our world a better place through your work and through your family and you continue to do so here as well.

[zamyrabyrd]

First of all, thank you everyone for your kindness. I will take every bit of positive energy from every source in my fight...I was apparently born with this. Doctors have never seen someone with this condition unnoticed until 52. Usually, when the person is very young, it becomes apparent that there is something wrong with the heart. Since the diagnosis was only established in 2006, this means they couldn't diagnose it correctly. So I should be treated for something they don't understand since age 6 and take in lots of medication that does hardly anything, and miss out on lots of things in life. But because this did not happened, I was born with a defective heart and did not know it, I did everything under the sun, including two marathons, travels around the world, with lots of romance, good food, activities, music and art. I did not miss a thing! Then at age 52, suddenly the heart said: "Damn, I can't do this anymore. I quit!" It did so at the best possible time, when I was home and not only close to but have a good previous working relationship with the best cardiac hospital in China, one of the few that could diagnose it correctly. I was saved...Everyone here has been good to me. I wish I had met more of you. If you ever come to Beijing, stop by for tea.

Hi Paul, I just stumbled on this thread thinking it is about CD's and just found your post at the head of it. I mean to be encouraging by the following, even if it sounds a little depressing. After the Big Five, many, if not most of us, are confronted with latent physical issues traceable back to an early age, or just under the radar stuff that we have been plodding along with for years or even decades or try to ignore or if lucky, can mask by medication.

I hear this so many times from peers, naturally around my age, who say "'my husband always had Parkinsons" or like my father who had rheumatic heart disease at the age of 5 but never knew that it was an issue and could eventually catch up with him but anyhow in ignorance, managed to live until 77. Heart issues, to my knowledge, are much more treatable these days than in my father's generation but if he had taken better care, might still be around 10 years later.

I find a lot of worthwhile tips and help online, being an independent sort and also an information junkie. It's encouraging to read the experiences of others just to know that you are not alone. That said, I do believe that "will" is everything as Horowitz said to Barenboim when he was a young pianist: "You need Ville" or something of that sort. So people with lesser maladies succumb earlier and those with dogged determination in spite of greater difficulties can live them out.

I am afraid that I am one of the latter although it scares me when I think of a pair of elderly sisters, one of whom just collapsed with a heart attack. She was supposed to be the well one and younger than her older sibling, our former choir conductor, who has had a form of Multiple Sclerosis and can just about move one arm. She has been at it, now for 10 years in a home but with a feisty attitude, reading newspapers in three languages every day.

My sister sort of gave up when my father passed away as she was living with him as a semi-invalid, so lasted another year and a half. She reminded me of the younger sibling of the still surviving MS patient, not very strong in the "will" category. I don't want to end up like the conductor, just stubbornly hanging on but fighting for each day that in its own way is a daily victory like any fought on battlefields.

I don't think I will be passing through Beijing on the way to Japan (where my in-laws are - hope I didn't say anything wrong) but I could recognize the characters for China and Beijing as they are the same in Japanese, so might not get lost. 

Well, best regards, I'll stop rambling now, and keep "willing" to go on.

[springrite]

I am suddenly reminded of Dylan Thomas:

Do not go gently into that good night...

[vandermolen]

If I am honest, I could probably say the same.

Me too - definitely.

[jochanaan]

I am suddenly reminded of Dylan Thomas:

Do not go gently into that good night...

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light!"

But I think rage is not the key.  Rather, a calm acceptance of the fact that you are going to beat this thing.

[vandermolen]

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light!"

But I think rage is not the key.  Rather, a calm acceptance of the fact that you are going to beat this thing.

+1

[springrite]

"Rage, rage against the dying of the light!"

But I think rage is not the key.  Rather, a calm acceptance of the fact that you are going to beat this thing.

Absolutely! 

+1!

[Jaakko Keskinen]

So sorry to hear this (sorry the late response)! Hugs!

[springrite]

<Newsletter—A Letter to My Heart>


Dear Heart,

We have been together for over half a century. You knew me so well. I did not realize that I hardly knew you at all. That is, until one day in November, when you were suddenly stricken. I struggled to the hospital. If I had needed to take five more steps to reach the doctor's office, I would have failed. But we got there just in time. You were in the final stage of a massive heart failure.
We somehow survived one week in the CCU under 24-hour monitoring and intensive care. Several times I heard you murmuring to me: "I don't think I can do it anymore." But you did, like you always have. One week later, a diagnosis came: Non-Compaction of Ventricular Myocardium—an incurable heart condition I was born with. I was told that, usually, symptoms should be noticed very early in life, as a defective heart would certainly get in the way of normal living. They have never seen a case with zero symptoms until age fifty. But you were smart. NvM is a diagnosis that was only established in 2006. Had you shown any symptoms early, it would only be misdiagnosed and any treatment would likely be either ineffective or counterproductive. More importantly, it would have prohibited me from experiencing so many things in life. So you sucked in and labored on, as if you were a normal heart. You helped me through my childhood when a boy had to be man. You supplied my brain with oxygen so I could enter Beijing University at age 15. You gave me the courage to give that up the following year and start my 22-year epic overseas odyssey. We travelled the world. You allowed me to run two marathons. You led me back to China during SARS to be a volunteer and settle back into my beloved Beijing. We took on impossible tasks, from the Sichuan Earthquake to the ASIANA and MH370 air crash. You were there through all the love and loss, rapture and agony, adventures and discoveries, victories and defeats. You took on 24-hour workdays and 100-hour workweeks without a blink of the eye. You took on a workload 20 times that of a normal heart. You allowed me to experience the experience of 20 lifetimes, because you knew it's what I wanted. I was living a life of no limits. I was superman! You somehow managed, without uttering a single complaint. Then, one day, after 52 years, you simply couldn't do it anymore. You had to stop. It was not your choice. You had no choice.

Allow me to be the first person to feel and express gratitude upon hearing "advanced stage heart condition" and "incurable disease". I am the luckiest person on earth because of you. Your total devotion to me in spite of yourself gave me a rich, fulfilling, vivacious and multi-faceted life which anyone would envy, and to which I was really not supposed to be entitled. You are now the size of a giant grapefruit when you should be an orange. I know how much you needed a rest. How selfish was I to be oblivious of your devotion? How pathetic would I be if I had the audacity to ask you to continue? 
But I have a thought. You gave me 52 years of total devotion. I am asking you to give me an opportunity to reciprocate. 
You have been adjusting yourself to compensate for my desired pace. It is time for me to be sensitive to your subtle signals and adjust my pace according to your desire. If you prefer me to talk softly, I will whisper. If you need me to talk for less than five minutes, I will stop at three. If you'd rather I sit than walk, I will meditate. Soon, I will learn your pace and do accordingly. You will be the leader, and I will oblige and follow. If you need a nap, I will give you a siesta. If you would rather I lose the muscles to lessen demands on you, I would allow them to go to atrophy. If my extremities are too far for you to care for, I will let all my hairs to turn grey and sit in a wheelchair. I will be your devoted servant. Because I know you and I both have unfinished business.
Do you remember how mom and dad took care of us from day one? We need to be there for them in their autumn hours. I still recall your throbbing when I fell in love with Vanessa. We need to grow old together with her. You were at my throat when Kimi was born and sent to the ICU for 33 days. She's a beautiful healthy girl now, but we want to witness her growing into a woman, and becoming a mother herself. It was you who drove me to help people. We made a pact that our lives will be about the deliverance of people from suffering and making the world a better place. We are givers and enablers. We have done so much together. At your pace, and in however a limited way, we may do a little more to finish what surely must be a mission desired by God. Remember all the lives we saved? Don't you want to see their lives continue to improve? Wouldn't you like to lend another helping hand in case they falter? We have done so much for Employee Assistance around the world, especially in bringing it to China. Wouldn't you like to see it actually help millions more people, making the workplace and home both full of love and humanity? Wouldn't you like to see more nouveau riche grow into complete human beings? Wouldn't you like to see more relentless moneymaking machines become responsible social institutions? Together, we went to hundreds of cities, helping children by helping their parents. Wouldn't you like to see these hundreds of thousands of kids become great parents themselves? Wouldn't you like to see those who choose not to become parents nevertheless able to have a happy life? I would also like to do all the writing that I never had the time to do, about our adventures together, all that we had experienced and all that we had learnt, including what you had just taught me, and share it with more people so they could benefit. It would be a wonderful gift to the world. Remember the movie scripts we talked about? I will not be greedy and demand them all. I am no longer superman. But I would like to do it at your pace, for however long and to whatever extent you may be able to accommodate. Any little bit would be a great bonus for you and me. Be it a day or another few decades, let's walk along our path one small step at a time, with frequent stops to listen to the chirping of birds and smell the roses. Let's continue this partnership in service to family, to humanity, and ultimately to God. I would also love to foster and develop a few young disciples so that our work may continue long after we are gone. If you knew who walks beside you at all times, on this course that you have chosen, you will never experience fear again. Wherever and whenever this journey eventually ends, we will have had a life of legendary magnitude.
We are about to start our 53rd year together. For me, this is Year One. I feel like a newborn baby. I am looking forward to this brand-new journey.

Love,
Paul Yin
December 23, 2015

[Bogey]

Your recent letter inspires me Paul.  Your heart just made me give my wife and kiddos an extra hug today, so it is indeed continuing its good work.

[Karl Henning]

A beautiful letter, indeed.

[ZauberdrachenNr.7]

Paul, your letter is  thoughtful, overwhelmingly beautiful, and may I say?, publishable, as well as potentially beneficial to others who need some of your courage. 

Thank you for sharing it with us! 

[André]

Thank you Paul for sharing the news (I just got to this thread) and the aftermath (this last, beautiful post of yours) . You are a gem and we want to keep you around for a long time. So, do keep your heart at bay of concerns, annoyances, efforts, grievances and other mental bugs. The human mind likes to feed these and in turn be fed from their poisonous fruits, but that is no medicine for an ailing heart. Be reasonable, in the confucian way.

[jochanaan]

Your  physical heart may be weak, Paul, but your spiritual heart is heroically strong. Many blessings!

[Harry]

Well, when I heard this news, the first thing I thought about was Kimi.....and you and your wife as an integral part of her, you know because I told you this before. Words of comfort you have supplied yourself, for this you have the inner strength, which is good. Others have told you how important you are to them, that's good too, it means you left an imprint.
What is to be is to be....it will go on if it has to, and stop if it must, but having such richness of feeling and thought in you, the image of what is Paul, will live forever. As such it never stops. You are in my prayers daily, as is your family.

[Florestan]

A beautiful letter, indeed.

+ 1.

[vandermolen]

This is as poignant, insightful and wise a post as I have read on GMG forum. For what it's worth my older brother's best friend's father was told as a youngish man that, due to a heart condition, he would not live for very long. He lived, at least, into his eighties if not beyond. Your moving post reminded me of one of my favourite quotations from Saint Exupery. 'It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye'. You seem very in tune with your heart Paul. All strength to you and your family as we approach the holiday season.

[aligreto]

<Newsletter—A Letter to My Heart>

Simply wonderful