Two Women: One Dilemma --- Please Help!

[jochanaan]

If they're friends with each other, you'd better accept that they'll compare notes! Just sayin'.

[Mirror Image]

This is certainly an interesting thread John! I think that you have been given good advice already which could help you. Personally I don't agree that friendship is not a good basis for a potential relationship. I guess you have to steer a balance between being too cautious (which seems unlikely from what you have said) and going too fast too soon. As someone who had a few, short lived and more-or-less disastrous relationships before I met my wife (a relationship which emerged after a friendship of many months) I am not a great person to advise you; but you are a wise person who can judge the alternatives I am sure. Hoping it all works out well for you. 

Thanks, Jeffrey. I think the thing to remember is that when anyone is dating anyone is that friendship is the underlying foundation for what is to become (hopefully) a long-lasting relationship, because without a friendship, what are you left with? A hollow shell? I think if I'm going to be honest with her, and there's no question that I will be, and that she's being honest with me (I hope she is anyway), then this should be enough, but, ultimately, I'm not going to waste my time (or hers) with someone who doesn't want a long-term relationship or even marriage in the future. This is the point I'm at in my life and the only way to find out what she wants is by dating her and getting to know her.

[Mirror Image]

If they're friends with each other, you'd better accept that they'll compare notes! Just sayin'.

Oh, I know this too well, which why I have made my decision and that is to see if woman no. 2 will want to go out with me.

[Mirror Image]

Bring out your dead!  Bring out your dead!

[vandermolen]

Thanks, Jeffrey. I think the thing to remember is that when anyone is dating anyone is that friendship is the underlying foundation for what is to become (hopefully) a long-lasting relationship, because without a friendship, what are you left with? A hollow shell? I think if I'm going to be honest with her, and there's no question that I will be, and that she's being honest with me (I hope she is anyway), then this should be enough, but, ultimately, I'm not going to waste my time (or hers) with someone who doesn't want a long-term relationship or even marriage in the future. This is the point I'm at in my life and the only way to find out what she wants is by dating her and getting to know her.

Sounds eminently sensible to me John.

[Mirror Image]

Sounds eminently sensible to me John.

Yeah, but I'm just going to start with something simple like getting some coffee or something. If we both feel some chemistry here, then this is when a dinner date will be in order and later that ASO concert I mentioned earlier. I'm not going to get my hopes though as I've had them dashed too many times, but I've really got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

[Mirror Image]

I plan to go back into that music store either tomorrow or Tuesday --- I'll keep everyone posted, because I know that you all care about what happens to me.

[XB-70 Valkyrie]

Would advise you to play it cool for the time being and not wear your heart on your sleeve--nothing wrong with keeping them guessing for a bit. Hang out with both of them for a while and maybe a genuine friendship will evolve.

That said, if you feel strongly about one of them, go ahead and ask her out for dinner or something to make it clear that you have in mind more than friendship. (This activity should involve just you and her--not a pack of friends!) Be yourself, be a gentleman, don't put on airs. Show your humorous side. Sounds as if you have a pretty good sense of yourself, but just sayin'... If it doesn't work out, then nothing wrong with going after the other one.

Good luck.

[Mirror Image]

Would advise you to play it cool for the time being and not wear your heart on your sleeve--nothing wrong with keeping them guessing for a bit. Hang out with both of them for a while and maybe a genuine friendship will evolve.

That said, if you feel strongly about one of them, go ahead and ask her out for dinner or something to make it clear that you have in mind more than friendship. (This activity should involve just you and her--not a pack of friends!) Be yourself, be a gentleman, don't put on airs. Show your humorous side. Sounds as if you have a pretty good sense of yourself, but just sayin'... If it doesn't work out, then nothing wrong with going after the other one.

Good luck.

Thanks a lot for the advice (and everyone else for that matter). I suppose the difficulty of this situation is that since I do feel rather strongly about woman #2  is that if she says "no" when I ask her out, I really don't want to go after the other one, because I'm not as attracted to her, but I'm just going to lie back for a bit, but I can't do this too long as I'd really like woman #2 to accompany me to that Atlanta Symphony Orchestra concert I want to go to on March 31st. I know this is a month away, but I simple can't remain idle for too long. I'm also definitely not going to reveal my feelings to woman #2 anytime soon. If she likes me, then this is going to be great, but, if she doesn't, then it's not going to be a big deal. As I mentioned, I don't really want to be in that 'friend zone' I was talking about as this is a dangerous place to be and I'm more than likely to remain there and watch her get swooped up by someone who has hardly anything in common with her. Also, the whole 'comparing notes' thing is a good reason as to why I just want to date woman #2 plus it seems I'm more attracted to her.

[Mirror Image]

No news today. I'll keep you all posted.

[Mirror Image]

Well, long story short, I didn't get the girl. The girl is already attached, but she felt flattered that I asked. I should be used to rejection by now, but it still stings. I'm going to throw in the towel for awhile and focus on things that are important to me: family and music. Thanks for everyone's suggestions and any kind of encouragement you gave me. It's much appreciated.

[Scion7]

you could try one of those freebie dating sites - or the local pub

[Mirror Image]

you could try one of those freebie dating sites - or the local pub

Meeting a woman in a bar has never appealed to me in all honesty. Not that I condone anyone who has gone this route --- it's just not for me. As for the dating sites, well I'm trying and have continued to try for awhile, but thing substantial has come my way.

[Brahmsian]

John, what about her friend, the red head? Is she attached? 

[Mirror Image]

John, what about her friend, the red head? Is she attached? 

As a last resort of my own, I asked and, yes she is, unfortunately.

[Brahmsian]

As a last resort of my own, I asked and, yes she is, unfortunately.

-1 on the outcome

but,

+++1 for taking the chance 

Well, kudos to you, John.  It isn't easy to put yourself out there and face rejection, that is for sure.  Big high five for making the inquiry. 

[Mirror Image]

-1 on the outcome

but,

+++1 for taking the chance 

Well, kudos to you, John.  It isn't easy to put yourself out there and face rejection, that is for sure.  Big high five for making the inquiry.

Thanks, Ray. It wasn't easy that's for sure. She could have been making up the whole boyfriend thing, but that's okay, if I don't ask, I'll never know and I didn't lose anything from asking.

[Brahmsian]

Thanks, Ray. It wasn't easy that's for sure. She could have been making up the whole boyfriend thing, but that's okay, if I don't ask, I'll never know and I didn't lose anything from asking.

Indeed! 

[vandermolen]

Well, long story short, I didn't get the girl. The girl is already attached, but she felt flattered that I asked. I should be used to rejection by now, but it still stings. I'm going to throw in the towel for awhile and focus on things that are important to me: family and music. Thanks for everyone's suggestions and any kind of encouragement you gave me. It's much appreciated.

I wouldn't throw in the towel John. The psychiatrist Vikor Frankl, whose works I like, wrote that for every happy love experience there are nine unhappy ones.
As long as you put yourself in the position where you meet people sooner or later something good will happen.

[Mirror Image]

I wouldn't throw in the towel John. The psychiatrist Vikor Frankl, whose works I like, wrote that for every happy love experience there are nine unhappy ones.
As long as you put yourself in the position where you meet people sooner or later something good will happen.

Yeah, I'm going to be optimistic about all of this but I'm not just not going to be 'looking' so to speak. If something happens, then it'll happen by accident kind of like when I met these two women.