Dating or not dating.

[NikF]

Sorry to hear that. But it sounds like you've been honest with yourself - and that's always a really good thing.
Take it easy.

[Mirror Image]

Sorry to hear that. But it sounds like you've been honest with yourself - and that's always a really good thing.
Take it easy.

Thanks, Nik. I never question myself whenever I'm in doubt or I have a bad feeling. There's a profound reason as to why I feel that way whether I can explain it intelligently or not.

[NikF]

You can only do what you feel is right at the time.
Although you don't want to go into details, I'm sure that if at some point you want to chat about it I (or one of the others in the thread) would be happy to listen.

[Mirror Image]

You can only do what you feel is right at the time.
Although you don't want to go into details, I'm sure that if at some point you want to chat about it I (or one of the others in the thread) would be happy to listen.

Thanks, Nik. I may shoot you a PM about it. It's not as complicated as I first made it out to be.

[NJ Joe]

I broke it off with Kate tonight --- I won't go into any details. I'm quite relieved to be honest.

Sorry to hear this John, but if you're relieved then maybe it was for the best. Hang in there, buddy.

[Mirror Image]

Sorry to hear this John, but if you're relieved then maybe it was for the best. Hang in there, buddy.

Thanks, Joe. Yes, I'm feeling great today! Feeling relieved is a bit of an understatement at this juncture.

[greg]

Sent you a FB message about this, John.


As for me, I have this problem about talking to people. It's not just girls, even guys sometimes. Twice in the mall now, I've missed opportunities to possibly make friends.

The first time, some guys were checking out the heavy metal CD section and were talking about some bands. I could have said something, but I just stood there.

And yesterday, there were three girls around my age checking out the manga section and talking about some anime (such as Death Note) and I really wanted to say something, but I didn't.

I think it's just too much pressure because I want to have friends with the same interest so bad, that I just lock up.  When I'm screaming at myself, "say something!" in my mind, then I just feel like doing the opposite.

[ComposerOfAvantGarde]

Sent you a FB message about this, John.


As for me, I have this problem about talking to people. It's not just girls, even guys sometimes. Twice in the mall now, I've missed opportunities to possibly make friends.

The first time, some guys were checking out the heavy metal CD section and were talking about some bands. I could have said something, but I just stood there.

And yesterday, there were three girls around my age checking out the manga section and talking about some anime (such as Death Note) and I really wanted to say something, but I didn't.

I think it's just too much pressure because I want to have friends with the same interest so bad, that I just lock up.  When I'm screaming at myself, "say something!" in my mind, then I just feel like doing the opposite.

I have this problem too sometimes and for me it boils down to some kind of fear of them thinking of me as weird for interacting with them. Essentially a fear of rejection..........

I don't think the 'just do it' approach where you force yourself into a situation with too many unknowns will help, but have you ever thought of any exercises in human interaction to help you overcome this? Things where the outcome of an interaction is certainly negative will allow you to feel more comfortable in a situation where an outcome is likely some sort of 'rejection' whether it be a stranger thinks you are weird for talking to them (highly unlikely), asking someone out on a date etc. Becoming desensitised to this kind of rejection and being able to cope with high pressure situations for you where you just 'lock up' like that might help you to approach more people more confidently. Idk. What do you think?

[greg]

I have this problem too sometimes and for me it boils down to some kind of fear of them thinking of me as weird for interacting with them. Essentially a fear of rejection..........

I'm not sure if it's the same for me or not. Possibly.
In both cases I also felt crowded and not relaxed. And I felt like I had to hurry up and say something.

On the other end of the spectrum, at the party I went to in november (going to another one soon) I was able to more calmly talk to the people around me because I was able to lie back on the sofa for a while and be comfortable. Though it didn't amount to much.

But probably it may boil down to the inevitable feeling like I have to ask for their phone number or something if I want to be friends with them, which just feels weird to me. Most of the friends I made before, I met at work or school, so seeing them daily and having to interact with them, asking for their number seemed natural because we built up a friendship over time. Just instantly becoming friends/picking up a friend or gf is just weird to me.

I don't think the 'just do it' approach where you force yourself into a situation with too many unknowns will help, but have you ever thought of any exercises in human interaction to help you overcome this? Things where the outcome of an interaction is certainly negative will allow you to feel more comfortable in a situation where an outcome is likely some sort of 'rejection' whether it be a stranger thinks you are weird for talking to them (highly unlikely), asking someone out on a date etc. Becoming desensitised to this kind of rejection and being able to cope with high pressure situations for you where you just 'lock up' like that might help you to approach more people more confidently. Idk. What do you think?

I'm wondering what type of "certainly negative" outcomes you have in mind.

[greg]

Seriously thinking about reinstalling Tinder back on my phone and hopefully finding someone who is interested in relationship rather than a hookup. (Good luck, right?)

POF is... difficult. I'm starting to think finding a female equivalent for me on there (someone who matches on both looks and having no kids) who is also interested is just too much of a struggle. Tinder is so easy. Plenty of cute girls without kids will match and reply to your messages. I'd say most days I'll find a match if on there for 10 minutes (after that long, you likely won't match anyone the rest of the day). And half the time they'll respond to your messages. So if I were serious enough about it, I could probably find a new hookup every month for the next few months.

But I'm not really interested in hookups tbh. If I do have another hookup, it's because I'm utterly bored with my life and want some excitement, even if temporary.

[greg]

Installed Tinder like 10 minutes and already got two matches and am talking about Fire Emblem with one of them. Seriously, screw POF. 

[Mirror Image]

Installed Tinder like 10 minutes and already got two matches and am talking about Fire Emblem with one of them. Seriously, screw POF. 

Yeah, I'm about to delete my POF profile as well. Really worthless dating service and, like you mentioned, incredibly difficult to meet someone who a) will actually respond to one of your messages and b) wants to do more than just message each other back and forth.

[Mirror Image]

Damn, well I can't delete my POF account right now as my profile has to be up for 24 hrs. before I can delete it. Oh well, I can wait.

[greg]

Yeah, I'm about to delete my POF profile as well. Really worthless dating service and, like you mentioned, incredibly difficult to meet someone who a) will actually respond to one of your messages and b) wants to do more than just message each other back and forth.

I won't delete it, but I might not be on for a while if I don't get any more messages back over the next few days from certain people.

As far as unsolicited messages go, I've gotten plenty, but I'd say only one of them was someone who is actually attractive enough to consider. The problem is: she lives 1hr 15 minutes away. No thanks. 

I've spent probably close to two weeks now on POF and probably over 10 minutes a day. I just see the same profiles over and over again. Tinder seems to have an endless stream of profiles- it's pretty crazy. If I spent that much time on Tinder, I'd have better results by now.

[Mirror Image]

I won't delete it, but I might not be on for a while if I don't get any more messages back over the next few days from certain people.

As far as unsolicited messages go, I've gotten plenty, but I'd say only one of them was someone who is actually attractive enough to consider. The problem is: she lives 1hr 15 minutes away. No thanks. 

I've spent probably close to two weeks now on POF and probably over 10 minutes a day. I just see the same profiles over and over again. Tinder seems to have an endless stream of profiles- it's pretty crazy. If I spent that much time on Tinder, I'd have better results by now.

I might end up going the Tinder route. I agree that POF has the same people over and over again and a lot of them won't even give you the time of day. Makes me wonder why they're even on a dating site if they're not going to actually converse with other people?

[greg]

This is the girl that sent me an unsolicited message on POF. Nice smile!

I look up her town and go "oh, f***..." People are killing me, getting my hopes up.

Idk, I just might respond anyway. Lol

[greg]

I might end up going the Tinder route. I agree that POF has the same people over and over again and a lot of them won't even give you the time of day. Makes me wonder why they're even on a dating site if they're not going to actually converse with other people?

Because it's been proven the odds are against you if you're a guy. I believe there are double the amount of men on dating sites compared to women. As for Tinder, I have no idea. I just know there are a LOT of women on there.

[Mirror Image]

This is the girl that sent me an unsolicited message on POF. Nice smile!

* * * * *

I look up her town and go "oh, f***..." People are killing me, getting my hopes up.

Idk, I just might respond anyway. Lol

Cool, how far away does she live?

[greg]

Cool, how far away does she live?

As far as unsolicited messages go, I've gotten plenty, but I'd say only one of them was someone who is actually attractive enough to consider. The problem is: she lives 1hr 15 minutes away. No thanks. 

I'm referring to this person. 1hr 15 minutes. 

[Mirror Image]

I'm referring to this person. 1hr 15 minutes. 

Well, consider you live in Des Moines now, I'm finding hard to believe there aren't any women closer to you.