memorable quotes by dumbasses page

[Bulldog]

What, and Elvis was a genius? 

Yes, in comparison to the housewife.

[karlhenning]

Don't be cruel.

[greg]

All of a sudden, I see an Elvis Presley Ringtones ad at the top of the page. 

[karlhenning]

Drat them ad-sense spiders! 

[Diletante]

I'm on a trip right now. This afternoon I went to a park where there are actual dinosaur footprints. There are also real-size models of dinosaurs, and there are small speakers by the models that continually transmit sounds of how the dinosaurs might have sounded like (growls, howls, etc.)

We made a guided tour, and after it was finished the guide lady asked if there were any questions. I didn't have any questions, so I started to walk away. Then I overheard a woman asking the guide lady:

Those sounds of dinosaurs you can hear... Are they recordings?

WTF? 

[маразм1]

I'm on a trip right now. This afternoon I went to a park where there are actual dinosaur footprints. There are also real-size models of dinosaurs, and there are small speakers by the models that continually transmit sounds of how the dinosaurs might have sounded like (growls, howls, etc.)

We made a guided tour, and after it was finished the guide lady asked if there were any questions. I didn't have any questions, so I started to walk away. Then I overheard a woman asking the guide lady:

Those sounds of dinosaurs you can hear... Are they recordings?

WTF? 

yes somebody should have said that:
yes, dinosaurs were way ahead of their time and the were the first species to invent sound recording.  First, instead of what eventually became vinyl, they used stone and etched the soundtrack with sharp rocks.  Because of the excavations of the late 19th century, humans became aware of this technology and "rediscovered" it.  Mankind owes sound technology to our fossilized ancestors!  In addition to the sound recording technology, dinosaurs also invented oil, which is essential in today's economy.  Dinosaurs made a "time-capsule investments".  They knew that millions of years later, their descendants would depend on it.  Thanks, dinosaurs!

[knight66]

Sent to me by my sister-in-law who works in a hosp.

These  are  sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow.

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
   
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
 
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
 
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
 
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
   
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
 
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

[karlhenning]

Can't laugh for weeping!

[Diletante]

Hm, that certainly looks a lot like this page. 

By the way, I used to read the computer stupidities on that page. They're priceless!

[DavidW]

That was pretty funny Mike, now I have to check out Tanuki's links!

[knight66]

Yes these things circulate, difficult to tell what is genuine and where urban myth takes over.

Mike

[Renfield]

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Ha! I almost choked at this one.

[DavidW]

I see myself in this, also my students.

http://asil.logicalinsanity.ca/300college%20paper.html

To modernize simply replace email with facebook, and kazaa with mininova (actually I don't think my students are torrent savvy).

[Diletante]

The ACTUAL way we write papers is:

1. Turn on computer.
2. Open browser.
3. Go to google.com.
4. Google "[insert topic here]".
5. Check out first three or four results.
6. Copy & paste the website with the most text (it doesn't matter if the content is at all relevant) into Word.
7. Print.


I've seen classmates who have actually left hyperlinks in their papers! Things like "click here to continue" or "from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia".

I actually have a little story about this. A classmate of mine borrowed a physics homework from me, "just to compare the results". Later I found out that not only had he plagiarized most of my work, but he had left a xeroxed copy of my homework on the folder he gave to the teacher! How stupid is that? 

[greg]

Sent to me by my sister-in-law who works in a hosp.

These  are  sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow.

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
   
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
 
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
 
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
 
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
   
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
 
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

Now that was good stuff.

[Sarastro]

I see myself in this, also my students.

http://asil.logicalinsanity.ca/300college%20paper.html

To modernize simply replace email with facebook, and kazaa with mininova (actually I don't think my students are torrent savvy).

Very true, indeed. I don't facebook, or myspace, or download from mininova, but I check email frequently when I lack inspiration for writing, and stay up late.

[Sarastro]

That's an echo of a famous Elvis quote (whether she meant it so or not) . . . .

Now, that is a very famous joke among opera lovers (whether it came from Elvis or not) . . . .

[Sarastro]

Interview conducted on a random street, New York

Interviewer: Hey mam, may I ask you a question? It is a survey of the ordinary American's IQ.

Dumbass woman: Sure.

Interviewer: Name one country that starts with the letter U.

Dumbass woman: Er...er....um....ah.....ERRR.....*30 seconds later* ( hesitantly) Utah, Yugoslavia??...hmm...not too sure...

Interviewer: Hah hah. How about this one: (gets closer to the woman) United States of America.

Dumbass woman: OHHHH YEAH!!!

You took it from here - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e6W3T7MTh4M - you could take a bunch of other quotes from there as well.... about the Eiffel Tower, for instance. Loved it. Or "Tony Blair is an actor."

[Lethevich]

Or "Tony Blair is an actor."

He pretty much is Unlike GWB, he has enough cunning to be aware of when he is lying...