Ottevanger's Omphaloskeptic Outpost

[DavidW]

While I don't know anything about composing I do know about distancing myself from others due to the shame and pain of failure.  What I have learned is that shame is sadly largely internal, and cutting ourselves off from people that care about us can cause us even more pain.

It is good to see you back on the forum Luke.

[Luke]

Thank you, David - and thank you Karl, too, and Leo for prompting this return to a place I always loved.

You are totally correct, David. I felt such shame in never being able to bring anything to the table; I felt that any successes that I had had as a composer, such as they were, must have been some kind of fluke, and they stubbornly were not coming any more. Composing was a big part of who I was - if I wasn't composing, I shouldn't really be clogging up this place.

But in the years that I have been hiding away, I have found that perhaps I can express myself better in a different form. I think one thing I can do is talk about music with passion and a bit of insight; I think I'm also able to map my own experiences and feelings onto that. A year ago I began a writing project, an exploration of music with a close connection to particular places, connections which go beyond the pictorial to deeper regions (in a huge variety of different ways). I have confined myself to British music, as that is the closest to hand (and as the British seem to have a particular love for this sort of thing) and I have been visiting sites all over the country (I just got back from my final trip, all over Scotland and with a last little dip into Wales, a couple of days ago). The book alternates my discussion of these pieces of music, their backgrounds and their history with a present day discussion of my visits, an autobiographical account of my own struggles - the ones that have been keeping me away from here. So a blend of musical history, confessional and travel writing.

Amazingly, the first publisher I contacted loved the book - if all goes to plan it will come out next year.

[Karl Henning]

Amazingly, the first publisher I contacted loved the book - if all goes to plan it will come out next year.

This is fabulous! And both knowing your musical acumen and having read with much pleasure another MS. of yours, I am sure it will prove an excellent read, and will find an audience.

[Karl Henning]

While I don't know anything about composing I do know about distancing myself from others due to the shame and pain of failure.

Apparent failure as a composer has really weighed upon me, after an initial burst of post-stroke composing activity. I say apparent, mostly because it would misbecome me to slight so many instances of encouragement and support from family, friends and colleagues. But I'll shut up since it would be poorest form, esp. on Luke's reappearance, for me to jaw on about myself.

[Spotted Horses]

Thank you, David - and thank you Karl, too, and Leo for prompting this return to a place I always loved.

You are totally correct, David. I felt such shame in never being able to bring anything to the table; I felt that any successes that I had had as a composer, such as they were, must have been some kind of fluke, and they stubbornly were not coming any more. Composing was a big part of who I was - if I wasn't composing, I shouldn't really be clogging up this place.

But in the years that I have been hiding away, I have found that perhaps I can express myself better in a different form. I think one thing I can do is talk about music with passion and a bit of insight; I think I'm also able to map my own experiences and feelings onto that. A year ago I began a writing project, an exploration of music with a close connection to particular places, connections which go beyond the pictorial to deeper regions (in a huge variety of different ways). I have confined myself to British music, as that is the closest to hand (and as the British seem to have a particular love for this sort of thing) and I have been visiting sites all over the country (I just got back from my final trip, all over Scotland and with a last little dip into Wales, a couple of days ago). The book alternates my discussion of these pieces of music, their backgrounds and their history with a present day discussion of my visits, an autobiographical account of my own struggles - the ones that have been keeping me away from here. So a blend of musical history, confessional and travel writing.

Amazingly, the first publisher I contacted loved the book - if all goes to plan it will come out next year.

It I no surprise to me (or I suspect anyone here who has paid attention) that you have deep insight into music and have an enormous talent for talking/writing about music. I have always though your contribution to this board was among the most valuable here and your absence cause me genuine grief. I hope you will renew your participation.

Apparent failure as a composer has really weighed upon me, after an initial burst of post-stroke composing activity. I say apparent, mostly because it would misbecome me to slight so many instances of encouragement and support from family, friends and colleagues. But I'll shut up since it would be poorest form, esp. on Luke's reappearance, for me to jaw on about myself.

It pains me to read this. It is easy to conflate recognition with success, and although you may feel that the former is thin on the ground the latter, which is based on the quality of your output, you have in abundance, in my estimation.

[Luke]

Thank you very much - that is really touching to read.

[Luke]

Been working hard on the book this weekend, continuing to write up my Scottish tour. The end is in sight, although that will only be the first draft. There remains a huge amount of editing and trimming to be done. Nevertheless, it feels like a real achievement.

[Cato]

Been working hard on the book this weekend, continuing to write up my Scottish tour. The end is in sight, although that will only be the first draft. There remains a huge amount of editing and trimming to be done. Nevertheless, it feels like a real achievement.

Excellent news!

Keep us updated, please!

Check your e-mail from last week or so!   

[Karl Henning]

Splendid!

[(poco) Sforzando]

Well, welcome back, Luke! I've wondered often what happened to you. Whether you compose still or not, you have friends here who have missed you!

- Larry

[Luke]

That's very kind, and undeserved, sfz. You people are a lot better than I deserve.

And Cato - I have now checked (I don't really use that email address much these, days, mostly I just use my work one now, which tells you something!) Amazing - can't wait to give it the time it deserves. But what I have seen/heard is.... intriguing. Intense. Dense - scarily so. The Exaudi is really something extraordinary, very powerful. Haven't been able to download the attachments in the other email so far.

[brewski]

Hello, Luke! Just adding my "welcome back" to all the others. Saw your mention of the new book—good luck with that! Also, have to say, my ears perk up whenever I see Exaudi mentioned.

Anyway, cheers and look forward to whatever you want to contribute here.

-Bruce

[Luke]

In 2021, before I started this project, I wrote an enormous book (not quite finished) which is essentially a collection of extended essays, very whimsical, on musical questions I find fascinating. Nothing heavy or intricate, I talk about what I want to talk about and then move on. Lots of score samples, images etc, to keep it bright and breezy. If anyone would like to see parts of it, I'm happy to post them here. Well, I think I am... I haven't looked at it for a while!

[Luke]

Hello, Luke! Just adding my "welcome back" to all the others. Saw your mention of the new book—good luck with that! Also, have to say, my ears perk up whenever I see Exaudi mentioned.

Anyway, cheers and look forward to whatever you want to contribute here.

-Bruce

Thanks, Bruce! Great to see you too!

[Karl Henning]

In 2021, before I started this project, I wrote an enormous book (not quite finished) which is essentially a collection of extended essays, very whimsical, on musical questions I find fascinating. Nothing heavy or intricate, I talk about what I want to talk about and then move on. Lots of score samples, images etc, to keep it bright and breezy. If anyone would like to see parts of it, I'm happy to post them here. Well, I think I am... I haven't looked at it for a while!

I'm game! 

[Cato]

That's very kind, and undeserved, sfz. You people are a lot better than I deserve.

And Cato - I have now checked (I don't really use that email address much these, days, mostly I just use my work one now, which tells you something!) Amazing - can't wait to give it the time it deserves. But what I have seen/heard is.... intriguing. Intense. Dense - scarily so. The Exaudi is really something extraordinary, very powerful. Haven't been able to download the attachments in the other email so far.

Many thanks, Luke!  Your praise is most appreciated, as your opinion comes from one of the finest musical minds around!

For those who do not know, Luke is referring to a cantata I composed decades ago and resurrected from memory and sketches.  I restored it 5 or 6 years ago: here is a MIDI realization.

Cantata for 9 Voices - Exaudi me

I have described the work as a catharsis of the deadliest despair.  "Scary" (spiritually so) is a very accurate description of the last minutes.

Here is the score:

Score for the Exaudi me

Karl Henning was able to check the score and create a 2-piano score for rehearsal purposes.  Let me thank him again!  He is also enthusiastic about the work.

For the original discussion here at GMG:

https://www.good-music-guide.com/community/index.php/topic,26569.0.html

Page 4 has the links, even though page 1 says that I deleted them.   

Anyway, I will find another way to send you the other attachments! 

In 2021, before I started this project, I wrote an enormous book (not quite finished) which is essentially a collection of extended essays, very whimsical, on musical questions I find fascinating. Nothing heavy or intricate, I talk about what I want to talk about and then move on. Lots of score samples, images etc, to keep it bright and breezy. If anyone would like to see parts of it, I'm happy to post them here. Well, I think I am... I haven't looked at it for a while!

Yes, I would be happy to read it!

[Luke]

Just reading back bits of that previous book wondering whether to post any here and, if so, which chapter to choose first... I'm looking at a chapter about how the physical sensation of playing a piece - the stretch in the fingers, the stress in the body - is connected to the expressive sense of the music. Lo and behold, I find I've referred to Larry in it - something he said many, many years ago which I've never forgotten. Here's the passagein question...

Playing music produces... a physical feeling, more 'real,' in fact, than any sound – and thus it speaks its own language of touch: of pleasure, pain and of pattern; of obstacle and danger, of agility, of rest and relaxation; of delicacy and care, of abandonment, of passion and of nonchalance; of studied evenness and deeply expressive gesture. An online friend of mine, responding to the sort of endless and ubiquitous questions that are the meat and drink of message boards – discussions about favourite recordings of Bach's Well-Tempered Clavier or Beethoven's Piano Sonatas – would respond, simply: mine. Not out of pride in his own performance skills, but because only when he was playing them himself could he feel all the wonders of this music, not just hear them. Only then could he feel the counterpoints passing between fingers and hand, or the voice-leading from one chord to the next, or sense the play of registers and extremes, and infinite other tactile, sensuous manifestations.

Thanks, Larry!

[(poco) Sforzando]

Just reading back bits of that previous book wondering whether to post any here and, if so, which chapter to choose first... I'm looking at a chapter about how the physical sensation of playing a piece - the stretch in the fingers, the stress in the body - is connected to the expressive sense of the music. Lo and behold, I find I've referred to Larry in it - something he said many, many years ago which I've never forgotten. Here's the passagein question...

Thanks, Larry!

Wow, Luke. I wrote that? I completely forgot. Must have been at a time when I was still in possession of all my faculties. Having no recollection of having written it, I must say it's a pretty nice little paragraph.

[Luke]

No, I wrote that! But you inspired it, and I've always remembered the general drift of what you said way back when. 20 years ago, probably more!

[(poco) Sforzando]

No, I wrote that! But you inspired it, and I've always remembered the general drift of what you said way back when. 20 years ago, probably more!

Ah! no wonder. It sounds far better written than anything I could have created.