Review of Disney Hall Concert: Was Anybody There? Did Anybody Care?

[Cato]

Has anyone seen this review?  Possibly from the L.A. Times, but who knows these days?!

           Controversy over Tortoises Slows Down Composer

Like they say, timing is everything!  For contemporary Hungarian-Fijian composer Istvan Tututulu the premiere of his Symphony #19 last night at Disney Hall with the Los Angeles Philharmonic was most regrettably overshadowed by allegations, so far unsubstantiated, about Mr. Tututulu's involvement in the "sport" of tortoise tossing.

The concert was maligned by protestors led by actress Janeane Garofalo outside the hall with signs reading "Toss Tututulu!" and "Tip-Toe Through Tututulu's Tibia!"  According to a spokesperson for the orchestra, the Los Angeles Philharmonic officially denies knowing anything about Mr. Tututulu's tortoise tossing, and claimed that if they had known, they would have reviewed their agreement with him to premiere his 19th symphony.

Certainly stress is no stranger to Mr. Tututulu, as the subtitle of the Symphony #19 reveals: "Nervous Breakdown!"  Given the Sturm und Drang of his previous 18 symphonies, (for example, #17 is entitled "Storm and Drain" to describe the washing away of his home in Fiji by a typhoon), it was no surprise that the composition of this work would bring the composer his 19th nervous breakdown.

Very agitated strings flutter wildly and woodwinds screech like patients in dire need of straight-jackets in the opening movement, only to be abused most maliciously by the trombones of a Nurse Ratched and the spiky cackling of Dr. Mengele's trumpets.  After a brief respite where the wounds softly bleed with swelling, gasping whole notes, the doctor arrives in the form of a 237-bar theme with the Elgarian elan of a dose of nux vomica. The  movement concludes – most regrettably – with the timpanist beating a Fijian tattoo on 5 different-sized tortoise shells.

After a slow movement, which sounds suspiciously like a National Geographic recording of tortoises mating in the South Pacific, or of sounds from the notorious boudoir of a certain Helga Nagy in Budapest, or both, the Scherzo (Molto non turturro) assaults us with the beating of the tortoise shells again, this time at high speed, like a Lisztian Hungarian Dance transferred to the cannibalistic paroxysms of Oceanic rituals, to which Fijian chants of "AAOOGAA!" are yelled through the trombones!  The last time Disney Hall heard anything so spine-curdling and blood-chilling was last month, when it was announced that a Leonardo di Crappio film festival would be held there!

The Finale, most controversial of all, brings back the afore-mentioned 237-bar theme, this time expanded and played on unusual Hungaro-Fiji instruments resembling bamboo goulash bowls played with bows on the rims, while the tortoise shells were now flung against tam-tams and three-sided Hungarian gongs with the greatest force.  The emotional effect of this was nothing short of devastating, as most of the audience was heading for their favorite watering holes by that time.  For those who remained, they were offered at the end a glimpse of the composer on stage, who unwisely wore spectacles made of tortoise shell, which proved to be his undoing when he walked outside and was promptly sandbagged by Janeane Garofalo and her Troop of Tortoise Toughs.

Police are still investigating the incident.  When asked for a comment on his tortoise-tossing activities, Mr. Tututulu was very, very slow to respond, so slow, in fact, that we left.  But surely this Symphony #19 ("Nervous Breakdown") will not keep people from second-guessing his motives and tut-tutting Mr. Tututulu.

[MishaK]

Cato,

WTF is this and where did you find it? "Hungarian-Fijian" composer? "Dr. Mengele's trumpets"? "237-bar theme"? (!) What sounds do "tortoises mating" make? "Bamboo goulash bowls"? Come on. Typos aside, who would ever think this is a serious review of an actual event? (Besides, a short seach on Laphil.org will confirm that no Tututulu compositions were performed there and a short search on latimes.com will confirm that no such review ever appeared in that paper.)

[Cato]

Cato,

WTF is this and where did you find it? "Hungarian-Fijian" composer? "Dr. Mengele's trumpets"? "237-bar theme"? (!) What sounds do "tortoises mating" make? "Bamboo goulash bowls"? Come on. Typos aside, who would ever think this is a serious review of an actual event? (Besides, a short seach on Laphil.org will confirm that no Tututulu compositions were performed there and a short search on latimes.com will confirm that no such review ever appeared in that paper.)

Could be just some Christmas Joy        spreading through the GMG forum!   

The clue might be the 237-bar theme with "Elgarian elan" !   

And you might recognize the reviewer's style with its punchy punchant for puns!   0:)

[Sergeant Rock]

The clue might be the 237-bar theme with "Elgarian elan" !   

A great read, Cato. I loved it. The tortoise tossing in the first paragraph raised some doubt in my mind    but it was the 19th Nervous Breakdown Symphony that convinced me I was reading an article worthy of the Onion. I especially like the composer's name. Very authentic. When I was stationed in Bad Toelz Germany, one of my troops, a native of the Pacific, was named Logotalla Logotalla. His convoluted. non-explanation of how he was given that name, and what it meant, was hysterical.

Sarge

[MishaK]

A great read, Cato. I loved it. The tortoise tossing in the first paragraph raised some doubt in my mind    but it was the 19th Nervous Breakdown Symphony that convinced me I was reading an article worthy of the Onion. I especially like the composer's name. Very authentic. When I was stationed in Bad Toelz Germany, one of my troops, a native of the Pacific, was named Logotalla Logotalla. His convoluted. non-explanation of how he was given that name, and what it meant, was hysterical.

Actually, Istvan Tututulu reminded me of Igor Wagner of Tintin fame.  There was a kid in my college class whose full name consisted of five or six names of alternately Latino and Indian heritage, I forget, something Ramachandran Sanchez de something or other. I love globalization.  My wife and I are already plotting evil conspiracies of complicated Serbian-Korean-German-American names to give our future children. 

[Cato]

A great read, Cato. I loved it. The tortoise tossing in the first paragraph raised some doubt in my mind    but it was the 19th Nervous Breakdown Symphony that convinced me I was reading an article worthy of the Onion. I especially like the composer's name. Very authentic. When I was stationed in Bad Toelz Germany, one of my troops, a native of the Pacific, was named Logotalla Logotalla. His convoluted. non-explanation of how he was given that name, and what it meant, was hysterical.

Sarge

You're very welcome!  (Was Logotalla from American Samoa?)

An early Merry Christmas present to brighten your day!

[jochanaan]

           Controversy over Tortoises Slows Down Composer

"...and woodwinds screech like patients in dire need of straight-jackets...

As an oboist, I've been accused of "squawking like a duck," but never of this offense!

[Cato]

As an oboist, I've been accused of "squawking like a duck," but never of this offense!

Glad to hear that!

Our composer in question, Tututulu, about whom there are many questions, is known to have an "Oboe Concerto" up his pen known as the "O Woe Oboe Concerto," a doleful work with the aroma of pineapple and nutmeg floating about it, and if his wife Meg gets any nuttier, he may have to write a Second Oboe Concerto, no doubt subtitled the "O No Oboe Concerto."

Despite the controversy surrounding this controversial composer, the moderators here are still allowing his name to be mentioned for some reason.       

[greg]

tortoise-tossing, eh....

hmmmmm........

[Cato]

tortoise-tossing, eh....

hmmmmm........

It apparently beats dwarf dunking for political correctness!  Even Texas outlawed dwarf dunking, along with the problem of eating Episcopalians, in the 1980's.

[greg]

just think of all the sonic possibilities, Cato- microphone it all- tortoise-tossing, dwarf dunking, Episcopalian-eating contests..... that would be one sick symphony!