Author Topic: The Joke Thread  (Read 61841 times)

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karlhenning

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The Joke Thread
« on: April 25, 2007, 11:34:49 AM »
Okay, silly as all get-out joke I heard in Maryland this weekend past:

Pirate walks into a bar, the pirate has (of all things) a steering wheel attached to his ---.

The bartender serves the pirate, but cannot help asking, "Pardon me, but is that a steering wheel attached to, well, to your ---?

"Arrr! And it's driving me nuts."

George

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2007, 11:43:50 AM »

This cheeseburger walks into a bar and says "gimme a beer!"

Bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

 ::)

karlhenning

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2007, 11:46:11 AM »
"The sign at the diner said, 'Breakfast served any time,' so I ordered scrambled eggs from the Renaissance." (Steven Wright)

karlhenning

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2007, 12:09:29 PM »
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." (Bob Ettinger)

Offline CS

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #4 on: April 25, 2007, 12:51:16 PM »
Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bar tender asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes? " Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.

btpaul674

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #5 on: April 25, 2007, 01:18:41 PM »
Isn't the Grand Canyon just gorges?

Ever hear the one about the airplane? No? Well it was over your head anyway.

Offline RebLem

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2007, 06:57:01 PM »
My dad used to tell this joke, usually to play the bad boy for his parents, who were members of a teetotalling church.

A minister, eager to teach his children about the evils of Demon Rum, gets two large jars, one filled with water, the other with alcohol. Into each, he puts an earthworm. In the water, the earthworm thrives. In the alcohol, it quickly dies and shrivels.

"Now, son, what does that tell you?" the minister asks.

The son answered, "If you drink a lot, you'll never have worms!"
_________________
"Never drink and drive. You might spill it."--J. Eugene Baker, aka my late father.
"What America needs is quarter way houses for people who can't make it in halfway houses."--George Carlin
“An economist is someone who sees something work in practice and wonders if it will work in theory."--Ronald Reagan
"Guns don't kill people. Gun nuts do."--popular bumper sticker
"When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve."--Jello Biafra
"Crescit sub pondere virtus."--Motto on McCann family crest.
"Don't drink and drive; you might spill it."--J. Eugene Baker, aka my late father.

Offline carlos

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2007, 03:10:00 AM »
A lawyer is a person who always find a problem
for every solution.
Piantale a la leche hermano, que eso arruina el corazón! (from a tango's letter)

Offline Guido

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2007, 02:37:50 PM »
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin? A coffin has a dead person on the inside.
What do you do with a dead violist? Move him back a desk.
How do you make a viola section play tremolando pianissimo? Mark a passage soli.
What is the range of a Viola? As far as you can kick it.
etc. etc.

All of them orchestra favourites passed down from generation to generation.

And the best viola joke, though sadly it only works in German:

Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?
Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.

(What are the three positions of the viola?
First position, emergency, and defeat.)
Geologist.

The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away

Offline oyasumi

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2007, 02:44:39 PM »
How many men does it take to open a beer?


It should already be open by the time she brings it to you.

Offline Joe_Campbell

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #10 on: April 28, 2007, 12:17:27 AM »
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?















Christopher Walken... <zing>

Offline XB-70 Valkyrie

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2007, 12:23:54 AM »
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Just make me one with everything!"
If you really dislike Bach you keep quiet about it! - Andras Schiff

Mark

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #12 on: July 29, 2008, 12:02:27 PM »
Q: What did the onion say to the carrot?

A: Nothing. Vegetables can't talk ...

hornteacher

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #13 on: July 29, 2008, 05:47:20 PM »
A "Bb" a "Db" and an "F" walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors."

Offline RebLem

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #14 on: July 29, 2008, 06:34:07 PM »
QQQ.  What do they call people who always sit in the top deck of a double decker bus?
AAA.   Passengers.
"Don't drink and drive; you might spill it."--J. Eugene Baker, aka my late father.

Offline XB-70 Valkyrie

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #15 on: July 29, 2008, 06:53:17 PM »
What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirtbag.
If you really dislike Bach you keep quiet about it! - Andras Schiff

Offline MDL

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #16 on: July 30, 2008, 12:23:46 AM »
Courtesy of Bette Midler:

A man goes to the doctor, very upset.

Man: "I've got a really embarrassing personal problem. I can't stop doing silent farts. On the way here, I did six silent farts. Sitting in reception, I did four silent farts. And while I've been sat here talking to you, I've done two, whoops, no, make that three, silent farts. Can you do anything to help me?"

Doctor: "Well, the first thing I'm gonna do is check your hearing."

Hector

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #17 on: July 30, 2008, 05:05:33 AM »
The orchestra's conductor cried off, suddenly, before the concert.

Efforts by management to find a replacement were fruitless.

Eventually, they were forced to look at the qualifications of the musicians and discovered that the principal violist had attended a Summer School in conducting only the year before.

He was offered the concert and took it. It was a huge success.

Next morning at rehearsal his colleague said to him: "Where were you last night?"


Dana

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #18 on: November 09, 2009, 09:57:36 AM »
I once told a theory professor this joke...

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interr-- MOOOO!

He came back with this one -

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting Period

Interr-- HALF CADENCE!!!

Brahmsian

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #19 on: November 09, 2009, 10:16:30 AM »
Robert Schumann: Cello Concerto in A minor, Op. 129 ~ Maria Kliegel, Andrew Constantine / Nat.Sym.Orch of Ireland

Boring Romantic drivel of the worst sort; this stuff gives the Classical genre a bad name.



This was a good one too!  :)