The Joke Thread

[The Six]

When my grandpa died my family couldn't decide whether to bury him or cremate him, so we compromised; we set his coffin on fire.

[MDL]

A man goes to a library.

Man: I want that new book about men with small penises.
Librarian: It's not in yet.
Man: Yes, that's the one.













I'll get my coat.

[George]

 

[Scarpia]

I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like Grampa.  Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.

[Superhorn]

   Wal-Mart is now offering cheap wines of its own .
  Among the choice offerings are:

  Peanut Noir. Chateaux Des Moines. Stagger Home.

   Big Red Gulp. Chef Boyardeaux. Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes.

  I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar! World Championship Wriesling.

  Chateaux Trailer Double Wide. Gra[e Expectations.

  Nasti Spumante. Nascarbernet. Whitetrashfindel.

  Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde Du Pays".

                                                                        

 

[Superhorn]

  Headlines 2055: Florida is finally readmitted to the Union.

  Spotted Owl plague now threatens western crops and livestock.
   George Z. Bush says he will run for president.
  50 year study: Diet and exercize key to losing weight.
  Nursing home resident Bill Clinton denies Candy Striper allegations.
  Texas executes its last remaining citizen.
  Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on mutants.
  Baby conceived naturally-scientists stumped.
  Ozone caused by electric cars
  Average height of NBA basketball players nine feet seven inches.
  Unionized Chinese workers now making 4,000,000,000 Yen
  an hour .American-owned businesses now returning to cheap
  labor in USA.
  White minority in USA demands reparations and civil rights.

  New California law requires that all machetes, steak knives and baseball bats be registered before January 2056. 

[Superhorn]

   Blessed are they that can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I married my wife for her looks-but not the ones she's been giving me lately. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant rather like having a peeing section in a pool?  What do you give to a man who has everything? Antibiotics !  Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? I don't have an attitude problem,you have a perception problem.Don't be irreplacable-If you can't be replaced, you won't get promoted. Why do they call the Republican party the GOP? Because that's all they offer-political gop !
What do a velvet Elvis painting and George W. Bush have in common? Neither belongs in the White House.
  What happens if you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budget.
A man's home is his castle,in a manor of speaking.
Dijon Vu- the same mustard as before.
A man needs a mistress,just to break up the monogamy.
When two egotists meet,it'a an I for an I.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floorplay.
Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding-a case of wife or death.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Another name for Pavlov's dogs-the salivation army.
Redundency-an airbag in a politician's car.
It's tough being a politician-half your reputation is ruined by lies, and the other half is ruined by the truth.


                                                                     

[karlhenning]

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant rather like having a peeing section in a pool?

If that wasn't Geo. Carlin, it oughtta be.

[DavidRoss]

Imagine a farting section in church....

[Superhorn]

   Interesting Business Mergers:

   There will be a four way merger between these  businesses:

   Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics,
   The Fuller Brush company and W.R. Grace, forming
   
   "Hale Mary Fuller Grace".

    Knott's Berry farm in California will be collaborating with the National Organization for Women ,forming "Knott Now."

   Fed EX and UPS will be combining in order to form" FEDUP."

   Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Zesta Crackers are combining in order to form  "PolyWarner Cracker."

  Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco Industries and
  Dakota Mining are combining to form  "ZipAudiDoDa." 


  And finally, Playboy magazine is collaborating with Smith and Wesson guns to form  "Titty Titty Bang Bang".


                                                                   

[MDL]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the divorce court.

Judge: Mr Mouse, I don't believe that Mrs Mouse having buck teeth is a good enough reason to divorce her.

Mickey: I didn't say she had buck teeth; I said she was fucking Goofy.

[Superhorn]

   A Chinese -American couple,Mr. and Mrs. Wong, go to the hospital for the birth of their first child.  The deliviery is normal, but when the baby is brought to the couple to see for the first time, they notice that something is not quite right. 
   The baby has blonde hair and blue eyes. The new father says puzzled, "That's odd, two Wongs don't make a white !"


                                                                    

[Joe Barron]

Two elderly couples go out to dinner one evening, men in the front of the car, women in the back. Sid, who is driving, says to Irv, "So where do you want to eat?" Irv says, "How about that Italian place we ate at a couple of months ago? They had excellent lasagna."

Sid says, "What was the name of it?"

Irv says, "I forget. Give me the name of a flower."

"A flower?"

"Yes, a flower. A common flower."

"Orchid."

"No, a common flower. One you see around every day."

"A daffodil."

"No that's not it," Irv says. "It's a very common flower, like you would put in a vase."

"Rose?"

"That's it!' Irv says, and he turns to his wife in the back seat and says, "Rose, what was the name of that restaurant?"

[Superhorn]

  A guy in a bar notices an attractive young lady there and asks the bartender about his chances of getting to know her.
  But the bartender warns him that she's a lesbian and tells him not to bother with her.
  Undeterred, he goes up to her and asks, "So what part of Lesbia are you from?"

[Philoctetes]

Q: If April showers bring May flowers; then what do May flowers bring?

A: Pilgrims.

MU-CHOW!

[Scarpia]

  A guy in a bar notices an attractive young lady there and asks the bartender about his chances of getting to know her.
  But the bartender warns him that she's a lesbian and tells him not to bother with her.
  Undeterred, he goes up to her and asks, "So what part of Lesbia are you from?"

Maybe this should be renamed the groan thread.

Lesbians are from lesbos, BTW.

[karlhenning]

Lesbians are from lesbos, BTW.

A guy in a bar is statistically unlikely to know that.  Why have the joke sacrifice verisimilitude for Classical accuracy? ; )

[Joe Barron]

Q: If April showers bring May flowers; then what do May flowers bring?

A: Pilgrims.

When I was eight years old, the punchline was "hay fever."

Why do elephants have flat feet?
So they can walk on marshmallows.

Why to elephants walk on marshmallows?
So they won't fall in the hot chocolate.

[Franco]

Here's a good one:

Ask me "knock, knock" ...

[Joe Barron]

Then you say, "Who's there?" and we're stumped, right?

Greatest knock knock joke ever was on one of Bill Maher's panel discussions. Gary Shandling said to Kato Kaelin, "Knock knock."

Kato said, "Who's there?"

And Gary said, "Oh, you know."

Of course, that joke only works if you're talking to Kato.