The Joke Thread

[Satzaroo]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
     One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

     Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

   Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,

Mr. Smith replies,

   "Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"

   Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,

  "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

   Still thinking this is just adorable,

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed

Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

[Superhorn]

   What lives at the zoo and plays the piano?

   A Chopinzee !

   What hideous flesh-eating monster is also a distinguished pianist?

  Alfred Grendel !

  Where do the best backscratchers come from?

  Australia. They really get down under !

  Why don't they allow chefs into houses of ill repute?

  That's because too many cooks spoil the brothel !

  What do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen?

Linoleum blown apart.

If you jump into a river in Paris,you're in Seine.

If you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

A chicken crossing a road- poulty in motion.

Why did the scientist have his doorbell removed?

He wanted to win the no bell prize !


Groan.........

[Octo_Russ]

Paddy: what have you got in that bag Murphy?

Murphy: chickens

Paddy: how many chickens have you got in the bag?

Murphy: i tell you what, if you guess how many i've got, and you're right, i'll give them both to you.

Paddy: err... five?

[Octo_Russ]

Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks. "Look! a pair of tracks" The first blonde said while pointing to the ground.
"Those are deer tracks," the other blonde replied.
"Oh no,"she said to the first, "Those are definitely moose tracks."
With this, they began to argue. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.

[George]

 

[Octo_Russ]

Blonde Inventions:
1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag

[Satzaroo]

A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."  Tall, handsome and, with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"

The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."

The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."

"I will NOT change my name!  The van Lesbian name is centuries old.  I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name.  Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years.  You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!  I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."

"So be it!  I guess we will not do business together," the guy said, and he left the agent's office.

Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope were a letter and a check for $50,000.  The agent is awe-struck.  Who would possibly send him $50,000?  He reads the letter enclosed...

"Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood & you told me I needed to change my name.  Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.  You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.  After I left your office, I thought about what you said.  I decided you were right.  I had to change my name.  I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.  I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

[Satzaroo]

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower


show was in progress.


The thin one leaned over and said,


'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more.


For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'


'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.


The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked,


streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.


Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,followed by loud


applause and shrill whistling.


Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering,


clapping crowd.


'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.


'I won $1000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement....!!!'

[Satzaroo]

-- If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..

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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss  USA  contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett,  University  of  Kentucky  basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings,  Washington  has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry,  Washington  ,  DC  . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,



"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in  Texas  .

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."

--Al Gore, Vice President

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"I love  California  . I practically grew up in  Phoenix  ."

-- Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca

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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."

-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[Satzaroo]

The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals...
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice .
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

[DavidW]

ANGER MANAGEMENT
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying,

'Hello.'

I politely said, 'This is Rich. May I please speak with Robin Carter? '

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.* I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, 'You're an ...hole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '...hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,* 'You're an ...hole!'* It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '...hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said;

'Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?'

He yelled 'NO!' and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an ...hole!'

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.* A couple of days later, right after calling the first ...hole, (I had his number on speed dial) , I thought I had better call the BMW ...hole, too.* I said

'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

'Yes, it is.'

'Can you tell me where I can see it?'

'Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.'

'What's your name?' I asked.

'My name is Don Burgemeyer,' he said.

'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

'I'm home every evening after five.'

'Listen,Don, can I tell you something?'

'Yes?'

'Don, you're an ...hole.'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ...holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called ...hole #1.

'Hello.'

'You're an ...hole!' (But I didn't hang up.)

'Are you still there?' he asked.

'Yeah,' I said.

'Stop calling me,' he screamed.

'Make me,' I yelled.

'Who are you?' he asked.

'My name is Don Burgemeyer.'

'Yeah? Where do you live?'

'...hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black beamer parked in front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, ...hole.'

Then I called ...hole #2.

'Hello?' he said.

'Hello, ...hole,' I said.

He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are!'

'You'll what?' I said.

'I'll kick your ...,' he exclaimed.

I answered, 'Well, ...hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two ...holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew. NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works!!!!!

[snyprrr]

The orchestra was playing a Feldman piece, when the audience started yelling, "Mor-ton, Mor-ton." The conductor then realized that his orchestra wasn't playing up to snuff, and the crowd was actually yelling, "More tone,... more tone!!"







Yes,...ALL by myself!

[Satzaroo]

A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be back home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[DavidW]

Oh ho ho that was a good un!

[George]

Oh ho ho that was a good un!

In-deed.

[Gurn Blanston]

Very amusing.



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Now playing:
Pierre Hantai - Scarlatti K 535 Sonata in D for Clavier - Allegro

[Satzaroo]

 
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have wine."   


The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have cognac."   


The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have beer." 


The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have tequila." 


The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes."




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[George]

[DavidW]

Ran across this one:

You Don 't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat . The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid b**ch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her azz with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat azz downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car

[Florestan]

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes."

Actually, you must have amnesia.