The Joke Thread

[Florestan]

This old sailor has been for decades a faithful patron of this pub. Invariably he would order two shots of whisky, took one of them in the left hand and the other one in the right hand, said Cheers, Jim! Cheers, Jack!, knock the glasses and poured them both down his throat.

This time, though, he orders just one shot, says Cheers, Jack! and pours it down his throat. The waiter, intrigued, asks him what's the matter.

- You know, son, I had a very good mate named Jim. Unfortunately he drowned long time ago, so I decided to always have a virtual drink with him. Problem is, I had some liver problems as of late, so I quit drinking.

[Karl Henning]

Seen on Threads:

You donate a kidney, you're a hero.

You donate five kidneys, suddenly the police are involved.

[Florestan]

Seen on Threads:

You donate a kidney, you're a hero.

You donate five kidneys, suddenly the police are involved.

Reminds me not of a joke but of a very real thing: during my driving license exam, 30 years ago, a police officer came with the listings telling each one of us where to go for the driving test proper, after we passed the theory test. We were in a large outdoor courtyard, some two hundred people and the poor man had to shout out every name and location loud enough to be heard over the general murmur. After a few minutes, he interjected: Folks, please, silence! I have a lung just like everybody else! Over the abrupt silence, a voice from among us was heard: You actually have two!

[Karl Henning]

Seen on Threads: Who would have ever thought that a $1 vinyl bumper sticker would outlast the expected life and warranty of a $30,000 vehicle?

[Karl Henning]

Seen on Threads:

I hate spelling errors.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

[Karl Henning]

Not a joke, strictly speaking, but an amusing experience which somehow came to mind today. I was in western New York, and had seen Earth Girls Are Easy, in Rochester (important comma there) not long before. I was waking the halls of the Buffalo Music Department and chanced to meet the Professor who taught Jazz. Borrowing a line from Jim Carrey (who plays a hairy alien--well, he gets shaved because Geena Davis works in a beauty salon) I greeted him with "How's it hanging, Doctor Dude?" And after only an impressively brief pause he returned, "Two to the bunch."

[Kalevala]

@Karl Henning

You were waking the halls of the music department?!   

K

[Karl Henning]

@Karl Henning

You were waking the halls of the music department?! 

K

Oopsie!

[Kalevala]

Oopsie!

🤣

K

[Karl Henning]

Seen on Threads:

 Had a meeting with a group of microbiologists this morning and they're much bigger than I was expecting.

[Karl Henning]

Seen on Threads:

"Mom, I'm having a coffee with Kate at Starbucks and then I'll be right home. If I'm not home in 30 minutes just read this text again."

[DaveF]

Seen on Threads:

I hate spelling errors.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

Which reminds me of a competition I heard of (somewhere, somewhen) to change one letter in a quotation of your choice to amplify its deeper meaning.  The winner was Hamlet:

I loved Ophelia: forty thousand brothels could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum.

[Irons]

Overheard conversation at a golf club bar.

"Of course darling treat yourself to a Louis Vuitton handbag, you deserve it!"

"By all means put the house on the market. While at it, leave a deposit on the new one you lusted after."

Was that your wife you was talking to? I have no idea, someone left their phone on the bar.

[SimonNZ]

[Karl Henning]

Oh, this is very nearly painful. Seen on Facebook:

Have a Groaner Classical Christmas. (OR Chanukah).
You can Telemann by where he likes to live. I just Toch a trip Orff into one of the Wilder areas Faure Wieck, and to be Verdi Franck, it nearly drove Menotti.
I know opinion Varese, but even Vivaldi urban noises, the Bizet traffic, De Falla engines, as well as knowing there are Mennin the streets Callas enough to knock your Bloch off. I couldn't resist the urge to Galuppi home early Satie, and I Haieff to say I Still prefer the Mitropoulos. The Boyce were Sor that I had Gibbons up and succumbed to the Riegger of the Field so easily, but I don't give a Schuetz.
I was practically Krein from my Severacs and Pains brought on by that brief time in the countryside! Even the sounds got my Dandrieu up; let me Liszt some of them: the Rorem of the wind, a constant Birtwhistle, the Menuhin of the Katz, the Lipatti-Patti-Glinka-Poulenc of the Reiner on the roof, the Gluck-Gluck of the hens, and every morning a woodpecker or some Byrd Chopin holes in a Tree. My only company was a Thorne Busch, a Partch of poison Ives, a Braun Babbit, and sometimes a Wolf, nothing Moore. For a Forrest Grainger it may be Fine - it may be the Katz Milhaud -- but I could have died of Borodin. A friend suggested my making this Tureck; "Abegg" his pardon, but I will never go Bach to those Gotterdaemmerung Hillis. They Suk!
No, I don't care for the Ruggles life. I like a good Mehul - - a little Suppe, some Szigeti, maybe some Salome at my local Taverner with a little lime Schubert after (even if they don't always clear the Crumbs off the table). And I like to Locatelli while I'm Eaton Maderna at night. Is that asking for Egk in Meyerbeer?
Nono! So many people Berio themselves under a Holst of problems they know they can't Handel. Their answer is too Offenbach to nature - - into Haydn, it seems to me. I Karajan a d'Indy life in the Berg for the most Paert. Maybe it isn't Perle Bliss for everybody, but it's Godunov for me.

[Karl Henning]

Seen on Bluesky:

here come old laptop
he come
bootin up slowly
he got
broken touchpad
he need
one more update
he got
no space
on this pc
one thing i can tell you
its got no warranty

[Karl Henning]

The meaning of "Nebbish" (N.) was explained to me thus: A nebbish is someone who, when he leaves the room, you feel like someone walked in.

[Irons]

"What are you carrying there"?

"A thermos flask. Blooming brilliant, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"!

"What you got in it"?

"Cup of coffee and two choc ices".

[Kalevala]

"What are you carrying there"?

"A thermos flask. Blooming brilliant, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"!

"What you got in it"?

"Cup of coffee and two choc ices".

Augh!!!!    🤣

K

[Karl Henning]

Augh!!!!  🤣

K

Right? So very wrong.