The Joke Thread

Started by karlhenning, April 25, 2007, 12:34:49 PM

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Gurn Blanston

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!' 

8)
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Haydn: that genius of vulgar music who induces an inordinate thirst for beer - Mily Balakirev (1860)

Florestan

Quote from: Gurn Blanston on March 20, 2010, 07:08:02 PM
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!' 

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
"Great music is that which penetrates the ear with facility and leaves the memory with difficulty. Magical music never leaves the memory." — Thomas Beecham

MDL

I went to the doctor to have my knackers examined.
As he was prodding about in my privates, the doctor said, "Don't worry; it's perfectly natural to get an erection during this procedure."
I said, "I haven't got an erection."
"I know," said the doctor, "but I have."

Spotswood


Superhorn

  A fellow walked into the doctor's office all bruised ,scratched and beaten up.
The doctor was startled and asked, "You look terrible! What happened?"
  He replied,"Well, doc, the weirdest thing happened last night". I answered the doorbell,and there was a giant six-foot cockroach at the door. It barged in and beat me to a pulp, and left".
  The doctor replied,"Yes, there's a really nasty bug going around."




;D                        ;D                       ;D                             ;D

mahler10th

What do you call a fellow with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.

Two zen matches in a matchbox.  One of them asks the other "How can I become enlightened?"
"Use your head," the other replies.

:-[

Gurn Blanston

Visit my Haydn blog: HaydnSeek

Haydn: that genius of vulgar music who induces an inordinate thirst for beer - Mily Balakirev (1860)

Superhorn

   A doctor calls a plumber to do some work at his home.
  But he's appalled by the exorbitant bill. He says to the plumber, "I'm a doctor and I don't even charge my patients that much!"  The plumber replies,"Neither did I when I was a doctor !"





;D                              ;D                             ;D                                ;D




Gurn Blanston

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep
him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps
choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar
reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her
coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to  squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts
thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No", the woman replied, "divorce lawyer"

8)

----------------
Listening to:
L'Estro Armonico / Solomons - Hob 01 035 Symphony in Bb 2nd mvmt - Andante
Visit my Haydn blog: HaydnSeek

Haydn: that genius of vulgar music who induces an inordinate thirst for beer - Mily Balakirev (1860)

secondwind

Gotta love those professional women. . .  8)

karlhenning

I'd have a beer with her.

Not.

mahler10th

It is Xmas.  Luke Skywalker visits Darth Vader.
"You were lucky this year," Darth breathes.  "I know what you got for Xmas."
Luke is surprised.
"You know what I got for Christmas?" he gasps.
Vader nods.  "I felt your presents."

Gurn Blanston

Frank came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Frank , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ....'

Frank was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . ..... You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Frank was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Frank, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster.. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Frank ..

'Well just relax and let it happen'..

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him .. . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

' Frank, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'  >:(

8)

----------------
Listening to:
Francesco Giammarco - Cherubini Sonata #2 in C for Keyboard 1st mvmt - Moderato
Visit my Haydn blog: HaydnSeek

Haydn: that genius of vulgar music who induces an inordinate thirst for beer - Mily Balakirev (1860)

Superhorn

   What's the favorite drink of frogs ?  Croakacola !

    How do you get a frog off your windshield?  Turn on the de-frogger !

    What do cats call mice on a skate board?  Meals On Wheels !

     How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ?   Fish !!!

     What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull ?

      An orchestra has the horns in the rear and the a&^%$#@  up front.

     Why did the elephant cross the road ?  It was the chicken's day off !

     Why did the lion cross the jungle? To get to the other pride.

     What holds of the Frog's Neck bridge ? Ribbits.

      Groan !!!!


     
   

 

secondwind

Some jokes, some truths (but which are which?)

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Saul

Two apples are walking down the street.

One says ' I'm the sweetest apple in the whole world'.

The other one objected :"Hell No! I'm the sweetest apple in the whole world!...

The argument went on for hours...

Spontaneously there walked a dog there and he asked the apples :

' My dear Apples Let me be the judge and settle this for you once and for all'?

'Please do!' they replied.

The dog took the first apple and gave it a big mouthful...

:"Woho! This is some sweet apple! Now lets try the second one!

He grabbed the second one and hurled to his belly, and that was the end of the two sweet apples who were very sweet indeed in the dog's belly.


Opus106

I wonder which of the two apples was the more spiritual...
Regards,
Navneeth

DavidW

Quote from: Opus106 on April 04, 2010, 12:20:22 PM
I wonder which of the two apples was the more spiritual...

The one that the worm came out of was very holy indeed. 0:)

:D


Saul