The Joke Thread

Started by karlhenning, April 25, 2007, 12:34:49 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Kalevala


arpeggio

One of a piano player's gig was playing at a bar.

Part of his routine was that he had a pet monkey that would go around trying to solicit tips.

One evening the monkey relieved himself in a customer's beer.

Customer confronted the piano player saying, "Do you know your monkey peed in my beer?"

The piano player responded, "No. But if you hum a few bars, I will fake it."

Karl Henning

Courtesy of the legendary Philip Proctor:

Husband: What's for dinner?
Wife: Nothing. 
Husband: We had nothing last night.
Wife: I know, I made enough for two days. 
Karl Henning, Ph.D.
Composer & Clarinetist
Boston MA
http://www.karlhenning.com/
[Matisse] was interested neither in fending off opposition,
nor in competing for the favor of wayward friends.
His only competition was with himself. — Françoise Gilot

DaveF

Quote from: Karl Henning on February 02, 2025, 01:35:48 PMHusband: What's for dinner?
Wife: Nothing.
Husband: We had nothing last night.
Wife: I know, I made enough for two days.
Another exchange between almost certainly the same couple:

Husband: I ran all the way home after the bus today and saved £2!
Wife: Idiot.  You should have run home after a cab and saved £10.
"All the world is birthday cake" - George Harrison

San Antone

Man #1: "You sure an argumentative sort."

Man #2: "No I"m not."

Irons

Not a joke but made me laugh.

Peter Shilton, one of the best goalkeepers of his generation, towards the end of his career was appointed player/coach of Plymouth Argyle.

A story, possibly apocryphal, concerned a press conference Shilton gave after a heavy defeat when Shilton claimed Plymouth Argyle would "like a pheasant rise from the ashes" a reporter said "don't you mean phoenix?" to which Shilton replied "whatever, they both begin with F".
You must have a very good opinion of yourself to write a symphony - John Ireland.

I opened the door people rushed through and I was left holding the knob - Bo Diddley.

DaveF

Quote from: Irons on February 03, 2025, 07:16:35 AMA story, possibly apocryphal, concerned a press conference Shilton gave after a heavy defeat when Shilton claimed Plymouth Argyle would "like a pheasant rise from the ashes" a reporter said "don't you mean phoenix?" to which Shilton replied "whatever, they both begin with F".
Argyle sure pick their managers, don't they?  Recent form is rather more pheasant-like - one that's been recently shot and plummeting out of the sky.

Another possibly apocryphal exchange, this between Harry Carpenter and Frank Bruno:
Carpenter: Now Frank, they're saying that Tyson is invincible, what do you have to say to that?
Bruno: Well, I hope that ain't true, Harry, otherwise I won't be able to see him.
"All the world is birthday cake" - George Harrison

Number Six

An old woman would regularly come onto her porch and pray. Her neighbor, an atheist, could often hear her prayers. One day, she was praying for groceries. During the night, the neighbor snuck a bag of groceries onto her porch.

The next morning, she prayed, "Thank you, Lord, for these groceries!"

The neighbor said, "It wasn't God. It was me! Hah!"

The woman prayed, "Thank you, Lord. You didn't just get me groceries - you even made the devil pay for them!"