The Joke Thread

[George]

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

[Karl Henning]

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

A friend of mine posted that the other day!

His offering yesterday:

"How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."

Chap in the next cubicle just now offered:

"Have you got a hubcap for a Lada?"
—"Yeah, sounds like a good trade."

[George]

A friend of mine posted that the other day!

His offering yesterday:

"How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."

Chap in the next cubicle just now offered:

HAHAHAHA

"Have you got a hubcap for a Lada?"
—"Yeah, sounds like a good trade."

Baaston humaa is friggin pissah!

[bwv 1080]

Two 9/11 Truthers are driving down the road and get killed in a car wreck.  They find themselves in front of God who grants them an answer to any question they wish.
One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"
God sighs. "Muslim extremists. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden did it."
His friend leans down and whispers, "Damn, dude. This thing goes way higher up than we ever realized."

[North Star]

"Have you got a hubcap for a Lada?"
—"Yeah, sounds like a good trade."

And I just saw that one yesterday! And this:

What's the difference between a Lada and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 metres.

[Karl Henning]

!!!

[Mahlerian]

Two 9/11 Truthers are driving down the road and get killed in a car wreck.  They find themselves in front of God who grants them an answer to any question they wish.
One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"
God sighs. "Muslim extremists. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden did it."
His friend leans down and whispers, "Damn, dude. This thing goes way higher up than we ever realized."

HA!  Love it.

[George]

Tourist: Excuse me, are you a police officer?
Cop: No, I'm an undercover detective.
Tourist: Then why are you in uniform?
Cop: Today's my day off.

[Karl Henning]

Cross-post

While he may not have written it himself, this comes courtesy of comedic genius Philip Proctor:

=====

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and tells the doctor that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger, presses it on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her finger on her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde."

"I thought so," He says. "Your finger is broken."

[NikF]

Cross-post

While he may not have written it himself, this comes courtesy of comedic genius Philip Proctor:

=====

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and tells the doctor that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger, presses it on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her finger on her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde."

"I thought so," He says. "Your finger is broken."

*chuckles*

[vandermolen]

Question: What happened to the man who stole the rhubarb?

Answer: He was held in custody.

(Get it?)

Told to me by one of my school pupils.

I mentioned this earlier on in the thread (on November 10th 2009 to be precise) but as it's a very sophisticated joke I thought it worth repeating. You will all think that I only know one joke! 

PS to prove that this is not true here is my other joke from eight years ago:

As a child I always wanted a skate-board and I begged my parents to get me one. Over and over again I asked them but there was always some reason why I couldn't have a skateboard. Anyway, I was so fed up with waiting for a skate-board that, one night, I crept downstairs and got some planks of wood and a hammer from the shed and battered my parents to death.
My foster parents bought me several skateboards.

[nodogen]

I sold the Hoover last week. Well, it was only gathering dust.

[nodogen]

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies. But before you know it, you're adding raisins and marshmallows – it's a rocky road.

[nodogen]

I asked all of my black and minority ethnic friends if they thought I was racist or not, and they both said that I wasn't.

[nodogen]

Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means "me".

[nodogen]

Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas

[nodogen]

Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West.

[nodogen]

Surely every car is a people carrier?

(all the above from the Edinburgh fringe)

[vandermolen]

I sold the Hoover last week. Well, it was only gathering dust.

Stevie Wonder's wife is divorcing him - he didn't see that coming.

[vandermolen]

Mark Steele's explanation of a 'Freudian Slip'

'I was having breakfast with my mother in law last week when I made an embarrassing Freudian Slip. I meant to say 'please would you mind passing the butter' but instead of that I said 'you stupid cow - you've ruined my life'.