Author Topic: The Joke Thread  (Read 61841 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline milk

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 3787
  • Location: usa
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #440 on: January 03, 2020, 01:19:26 AM »
adding to my collection of Jewish Jokes (stolen from Gilbert Gottfried - um, don't tell it if you're not Jewish?):

A Jewish couple goes to the doctor because they're having trouble in the bedroom. The doctor says, "there's an operation I can do on the husband that'll change everything. If you get it, it'll fix all the troubles with your sex-life. You'll be delighted. The operation will cost 900$. I want you to go home and think about this and come back tomorrow and tell me your decision. It costs 900$, but it will transform your love-making."
The next day the couple comes back and the doctor asks them what they've decided.
They reply, "we've decided to redo the kitchen cabinets." 

Offline geralmar

  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 225
  • Location: Michigan
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #441 on: April 01, 2020, 10:39:17 PM »

Offline Irons

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 3392
  • Location: Surrey, UK
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #442 on: April 02, 2020, 12:29:15 AM »
A group of friends all turning 40, discussed where to meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston because the bar staff had big tits.

Ten years later, at age of 50, they discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, they agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because the bar staff were attractive and excellent beer selection.

Ten years later, at 60, they again discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because plenty of parking, and dine in peace with no loud music, and value for money.

Ten years later, at 70, the friends discussed where to meet.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons at Kingston, because it was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at 80, the friends discussed where they should meet up for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston, because they had never been there before.
You must have a very good opinion of yourself to write a symphony - John Ireland.

Offline vandermolen

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 22224
  • Location: Rotherfield, Sussex, UK
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #443 on: April 02, 2020, 12:36:55 AM »
"Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm" (Churchill).

'The test of a work of art is, in the end, our affection for it, not our ability to explain why it is good' (Stanley Kubrick).

Offline vandermolen

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 22224
  • Location: Rotherfield, Sussex, UK
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #444 on: April 02, 2020, 12:41:22 AM »
A group of friends all turning 40, discussed where to meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston because the bar staff had big tits.

Ten years later, at age of 50, they discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, they agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because the bar staff were attractive and excellent beer selection.

Ten years later, at 60, they again discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because plenty of parking, and dine in peace with no loud music, and value for money.

Ten years later, at 70, the friends discussed where to meet.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons at Kingston, because it was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at 80, the friends discussed where they should meet up for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston, because they had never been there before.
:)
"Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm" (Churchill).

'The test of a work of art is, in the end, our affection for it, not our ability to explain why it is good' (Stanley Kubrick).

Offline Pohjolas Daughter

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 7072
  • Location: USA
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #445 on: April 02, 2020, 06:41:18 AM »

Offline Pohjolas Daughter

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 7072
  • Location: USA
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #446 on: April 02, 2020, 08:48:30 AM »
Here are some family-friendly ones:  https://www.funology.com/bird-jokes/

Here's one:  Q: Why did Mozart sell his chickens?
                   A: Because they kept saying “bach bach”!

Lots of boos, but good if you have young kids (or know ones).   :)

PD

Offline Iota

  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 991
  • Location: UK
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #447 on: April 16, 2020, 12:44:17 PM »
Man walks into a bar .....


Lucky Bastard

Offline Pohjolas Daughter

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 7072
  • Location: USA
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #448 on: April 16, 2020, 01:18:21 PM »
Man walks into a bar .....


Lucky Bastard
:laugh:

Luckier still if he has at least a homemade mask (sad to say).

Offline Florestan

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 22146
  • Location: Bucharest, Romania
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #449 on: April 18, 2020, 01:12:05 AM »
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
"Beauty must appeal to the senses, must provide us with immediate enjoyment, must impress us or insinuate itself into us without any effort on our part."

 --- Claude Debussy

Offline steve ridgway

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 2239
  • Location: Cheshire, England
  • Currently Listening to:
    The museum of musical modernism
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #450 on: April 18, 2020, 04:24:14 AM »

Offline drogulus

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 9212
  • Gypsy, 1970
  • Location: Watertown, MA
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #451 on: April 18, 2020, 06:26:13 AM »

     Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Mozilla/5.0 (Windows NT 10.0; Win64; x64; rv:56.0) Gecko/20100101 Firefox/56.0 Waterfox/56.2.13
      
Mozilla/5.0 (Windows NT 10.0; Win64; x64; rv:64.0) Gecko/20100101 Firefox/64.0

Offline steve ridgway

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 2239
  • Location: Cheshire, England
  • Currently Listening to:
    The museum of musical modernism
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #452 on: April 18, 2020, 07:52:41 AM »
     Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

I can't believe I just said that ;).

Offline drogulus

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 9212
  • Gypsy, 1970
  • Location: Watertown, MA
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #453 on: April 18, 2020, 02:38:47 PM »

     Zeno walks half way into a bar......Zeno walks half way into a bar......
Mozilla/5.0 (Windows NT 10.0; Win64; x64; rv:56.0) Gecko/20100101 Firefox/56.0 Waterfox/56.2.13
      
Mozilla/5.0 (Windows NT 10.0; Win64; x64; rv:64.0) Gecko/20100101 Firefox/64.0

Offline Irons

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 3392
  • Location: Surrey, UK
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #454 on: April 19, 2020, 01:25:40 AM »
Just announced!
You must have a very good opinion of yourself to write a symphony - John Ireland.

Offline Florestan

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 22146
  • Location: Bucharest, Romania
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #455 on: April 19, 2020, 02:25:23 AM »
I can't believe I just said that ;).

I'll dream you both away this night.
"Beauty must appeal to the senses, must provide us with immediate enjoyment, must impress us or insinuate itself into us without any effort on our part."

 --- Claude Debussy

Online Papy Oli

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 8275
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #456 on: April 19, 2020, 02:36:48 AM »
Just announced!

 :laugh:

Hell of a 100th birthday party  :laugh:
Olivier

Offline Irons

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 3392
  • Location: Surrey, UK
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #457 on: April 19, 2020, 05:08:35 AM »
:laugh:

Hell of a 100th birthday party  :laugh:

Wonder if ours will be as good when we get there, Olivier. ;)
You must have a very good opinion of yourself to write a symphony - John Ireland.

Online Papy Oli

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 8275
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #458 on: April 19, 2020, 08:21:57 AM »
Wonder if ours will be as good when we get there, Olivier. ;)

Will be nice to get there, Lol... some nice chocolate, a glass of sherry and blasting Walton's 1st on the retirement home's speakers, that'd be nice... can't wait... ;D
Olivier

Offline Irons

  • Veteran member
  • *
  • Posts: 3392
  • Location: Surrey, UK
Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #459 on: April 19, 2020, 10:41:58 PM »
Will be nice to get there, Lol... some nice chocolate, a glass of sherry and blasting Walton's 1st on the retirement home's speakers, that'd be nice... can't wait... ;D

Turn it up a bit! I can't hear it!!
You must have a very good opinion of yourself to write a symphony - John Ireland.