The Joke Thread

[Cato]

Jascha and Stasha, two naive factory workers from Warsaw, waited at the same bus stop every day for 30 years to go to work.

On this day, Stasha doesn't show up.  Jascha looks around.  NO Stasha!

Suddenly Stasha drives up in a Cadillac!

(Use any Slavic accent for the following   0:)   )
Jascha: Hey!  How you affort such a car?!

Stasha: Get in!  I take you to voork and tell you whole storrry!  Today I get to bus stop.  Byootiful vooman drife by in dis car!  She say: "Get in and I take you to voork!"  I tink: "Safe a dollar bus fare!"  So, I get in!  But she not take me to voork!  She take me out to field, take off all her clothes and says: "Take anyzink you vant!"  So I take her car!"

Jasha: You pretty smart guy!  Her clothes not fit you anyway!

[vandermolen]

What happened to the man who stole the rhubard?

He got held in custody ('custardy' - get it?)

[vandermolen]

When I was a child I really wanted a skateboard. I kept asking my parents but they kept on refusing, telling me that we were simply too poor for them to buy one for me.

So, one night I crept out to our garden shed and pulled out some planks of wood and a hammer and......... I battered my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me several skateboards. 

[Superhorn]

  Where do you find a drunken octopus ? On squid row.

   What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus ?
   Enough drumsticks for everybody .

   What's the difference between Mile Tyson and a viola ?
    A viola is harder on the ear .

   What's the longest viola joke ?  Harold in Italy .

    What do you call a cow that's just given birth ?  Decalfinated .

    Have you heard about  the group of gay women who are fans of a certain famous French composer and conductor ? It's a fan club called the Boulezbians .

  How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb ? One, but the lightbulb  has to have insurance.

  What's the difference between an opera diva and a pitbull ? Jewelry .

  What's the difference between a terrorist and an opera diva ?
   You can negotiate with a terrorist .

    What's the favorite drink of frogs ? Croak -a -cola.

    Why did the elephant cross the road ? it was the chicken's day off .

    Two silkworms had a race . They both ended up in a tie .

     There were two weevils who grew up on a farm down south. They were friends at first, but later drifted apart . One weevil went to Harvard and MIT, and became a famous scientist. The other remained on the farm and never amounted to anything . This was became known as the lesser of two weevils .

 


                                                           

   

   
   

[Cato]

Peter Schickele told this story when he had his radio show, Schickele Mix.  I believe I wrote it here some years ago.

An anthropologist finds an unknown tribe in a remote area: he is drawn there by drumming, incredible drumming in fact, that never seemed to cease.  He is able to communicate with the people, and meets the chief.  Of course the drumming comes up in their talk, and immediately the chief looks nervous, making the anthropologist  afraid that he has broken a taboo.  But the chief says:

"If drums beat, life good!"

And in fact the drums beat 24 hours a day!  The rhythms are never the same, and they sound fascinating, but the anthropolgist is sure something else is happening, because he cannot see the drummers anywhere.  He keeps asking other members of the tribe about the drums, and where they might be located, but the answer is always the same:

"If drums beat, life good!"


After two weeks, the anthropolgist must leave, and he says his farewells to the chief, when...you guessed it!...the drums stop beating!!!

Suddenly people drop to their knees in anguish, claw the ground in despair, and everywhere there is Biblical wailing and gnashing of teeth!   

"Oh no!  OH NO!!!" cries the chief holding his head.
"Chief!  What's wrong?" says the anthropologist.  "What will happen now?!"

The chief gulps and trembles, but finally pulls himself together and says:






"Time for bass solo!!!"     

[karlhenning]

I heard a variant on that.

(Maybe more than one.)

[Benji]

Two geeky ones:

A neutron walks into a bar "how much for a drink?" he asks. The bartender replies "For you, no charge"

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary jokes and those who don't.

[Opus106]

Two geeky ones:

For your enjoyment, sir: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/6.html -- that is my favourite kind, although not all of them are effective. Clicking on Index will take you to a wider variety of humour in geekdom.

[Benji]

For your enjoyment, sir: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/6.html -- that is my favourite kind, although not all of them are effective. Clicking on Index will take you to a wider variety of humour in geekdom.

Awesome, thanks!    I like this one:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.

One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all the joints.''

Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer.  The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.''

The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer.  Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'

[Opus106]

Kindly excuse the momentary excess in geekiness.

This contains better ones, and some are classic -- http://www.math.psu.edu/tseng/mathjoke1.html

The shortest math joke ever: Let epsilon be less than 0

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."

[snyprrr]

What kind of cheese do you eat at the garbage dump?



Debris!



(uh,... 'de Brie)

[MDL]

I went to the doctor and he said, "I think you should stop masturbating."
I said, "Why's that?"
He said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

[greg]

There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary jokes and those who don't.

[Benji]

The correct reaction to a binary joke:

101

[Benji]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Did that taste funny to you?"

[Superhorn]

   Why don't they have Wal Marts in Iraq ?  There's a target on
   every corner.

   What does a 500 pound parrot say ? "Polly want a cracker- NOW!!!!!"

    What do you call a parrot in a raincoat ? Polly unsaturated.

    Why did the elephant cross the road ? It was the chicken's day off.

    What's the most popular ice cream in Baghdad?  Iraqi  Road !

     How do you get down off an elephant?  You can't !  Down comes off of
      ducks !

     What do you call 500 conductors at the bottom of the ocean?
      A good start !
     
      What's the difference between an opera diva and a pit bull?  Jewelry.

 

   
   

[Opus106]

So, an electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer are talking about God.
"God is the world's first and greatest electrical engineer,' says, obviously, the electrical engineer. "Look at the nervous system and the internal working of the brain: a tremendous feat of electrical engineering."
"That may be," says the mechanical engineer, "but if you look at the bones, tendons and muscles, you see that God is really a master mechanical engineer."
"No, he's a civil engineer," the civil engineer says.
"How do you figure?" the others ask.
"Who else but a civil engineer would run a wastewater system through a great recreational area?"

That is so 8 posts ago.

[Spotswood]

That is so 8 posts ago.

Well, I can't keep up with everything.

[Spotswood]

So, why do they bury lawyers ten feet underground?

Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

[Spotswood]

A violist goes to his oral examinations at the conservatory. The professor asks, "Can you tell me the subdominant of F?" and the violist says, "I thought F was the subdominant.