The Joke Thread

[Franco]

Whatever happened to Gary Shandling?

[George]

Whatever happened to Gary Shandling?

I do miss him. They shoudl bring back the Larry Sanders show. 

[Superhorn]

  Why did th elephant cross the road? It was the chicken's day off.


                                                             

[Superhorn]

   Have you heard about the new radio station WPMS?

   Every monthg it plays three weeks of blues and one week of ragtime.

   What do you get when you cross a mafioso with Albert Einstein?
    An offer you can't understand.

  How many conservative politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  Conservative politicians only screw poor people.

  How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? 
   Fish !

  What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
   Enough drumsticks for everybody !

   Where do you find a drunken, down-and-out octopus?
    On squid row.

[karlhenning]

Don't know if it's still there, but there was (at least) a restaurant on Manhattan called Squid Roe.

[springrite]

OK, Iam not sure if it was meant to be a joke or maybe she was serious but, last week Kimi held a pen and just moved it around apiece of paper with no apparent purpose in mind (or does she has the motor control to actually draw anything recognizeable). Soon a continuous line that goes round and round got thicker and thicker, messier and messier. So I had to ask:

"Hey, what are you drawing?"

"Dad, don't you recognize a bowl of noodles???"


PS: She then looked at me like I was stupid or something...

[Joe Barron]

The surreal version I heard was this:
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to put the lawn chairs in the bathtub and the other to set fire to the giraffe.

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen: one to change the light bulb and fourteen to share the experience.

How many straight waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There aren't any.

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
That's all right. They'll sit in the dark.

How many children with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
Wanna ride bikes?

And one I actually made up:
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change the light bulb and one to stand there are say, "I could have done that."

I told this at a cattle call audition  once, and  another actor repeated it back to me months later. It must have gotten around.

[karlhenning]

And one I actually made up:
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change the light bulb and one to stand there are say, "I could have done that."

I told this at a cattle call audition  once, and  another actor repeated it back to me months later. It must have gotten around.

I've heard that as a drummer joke.

[Joe Barron]

I've heard that as a drummer joke.

Well, then, it has traveled.

[springrite]

Well, then, it has traveled.

Yes, all the way to China, too!

[Mirror Image]

Q: What did the blind man say as he passed by the fish market?
A: Mornin' ladies!

[Gurn Blanston]

A guy is driving around the back woods  of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 

Talking Dog
For Sale

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells  him the dog is in the backyard. So, the guy goes into the backyard and  sees a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he  asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies..

After the guy recovers from the shock of  hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up  and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I  wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they  had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and  world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was  one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting  around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I  decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch  of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for  the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing!  Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He  never did any of that shit."



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Now playing:
Lussier / Thouin / Plourde / Loiselle - Devienne Op 73 #2 Quartet in F for Bassoon & Strings 1st mvmt - Allegro

[secondwind]

The surreal version I heard was this:
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to put the lawn chairs in the bathtub and the other to set fire to the giraffe.

How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen: one to change the light bulb and fourteen to share the experience.

How many straight waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There aren't any.

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
That's all right. They'll sit in the dark.

How many children with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
Wanna ride bikes?

And one I actually made up:
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change the light bulb and one to stand there are say, "I could have done that."

I told this at a cattle call audition  once, and  another actor repeated it back to me months later. It must have gotten around.

My apologies if this is a repeat. . .

How many Julliard students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.  One to change the bulb, and one to kick over the ladder.

[Joe Barron]

How many Julliard students does it take to change a light bulb?Two.  One to change the bulb, and one to kick over the ladder.

Oh, I like that one ...

[George]

My apologies if this is a repeat. . .

How many Julliard students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.  One to change the bulb, and one to kick over the ladder.

I don't get it. 

[DavidRoss]

I don't get it. 

Let's just say that Juilliard students aren't exactly one big lovey-dovey family.

[George]

Let's just say that Juilliard students aren't exactly one big lovey-dovey family.

Yeah, I figured that might be it. Thanks.

[Satzaroo]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. 

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY.  I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.  I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.  When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.  I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink. I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve.  Then some jack-ass shows up and drinks the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[Satzaroo]

Whenever my wife decides to paint a room, she asks me to first move the furniture. I have a tendency to prematurely do so, assuming  that she is actually going to begin her work on the day she has set aside for the job. This morning my wife got up just as I had left the downstairs bathroom, which is next to the den due to be painted today. My wife, who evidently had changed her mind about when she will be painting, fears that I have started to clear out the furniture. She shouts, "Stop moving the furniture." I reply, "The only thing that I moved was my bowels."

[Superhorn]

  A guy named Benny finds one of those lamps with the genie in it,and rubs it. Naturally,the genie comes out of the lamp and thanks him for freeing him.
  He tells Benny that as a reward,he may have anything he wants.All the riches,power,fame and beautiful women he could ever want.
But there's one condition. He must let his beard grow and never shave it off. The genie warns that there will be dire consequences if he does.
  Do Benny lets his beard grow and becomes fabulously wealthy,and lives a life of unimaginable luxury.
  But some years later, he forgets the warning and shaves his beard off. Suddenly,the genie appears and says ominously-"Benny,you have shaved your beard off and all your happiness is at an end.Now for the dire consequences.I will turn you into an earn,"
   Poof,and in an instant Benny turns into an urn.
The moral of the story? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned".