The Joke Thread

[Superhorn]

   That should read "So Benny,"not "Do Benny". D'oh !

[George]

   That should read "So Benny,"not "Do Benny". D'oh !

You can modify your posts here at GMG.

[Scarpia]

   That should read "So Benny,"not "Do Benny". D'oh !

You also misspelled urn as earn, which gives away the joke and spoils the "groan" reaction.

[Satzaroo]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS...
 
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to  look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
 
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes  first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"  Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom,  too.."

4. Torrin Polk, University of  Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets  us wear earrings.." 

5. Football  commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball  player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no  matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a  Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would  anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not  Princeton "

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above  his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing  trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it  is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina  State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm  going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room  temperature in January)

12. Frank  Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is  it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I  don't care.'"


14. In the words  of NC State great Charles Shackelford "I can go to my left or right, I am  amphibious."

15. Amarillo High School  and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on  all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

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[Satzaroo]

The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals...
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice .
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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[Satzaroo]

Converting units:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo
Pi

2.. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking
the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per
hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight
line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

[Joe Barron]

Some of these are cute. I like the bananosecond.

[DavidRoss]

Didn't check them all, but shouldn't 4 nickels = 1 paradigms?

[Joe Barron]

Didn't check them all, but shouldn't 4 nickels = 1 paradigms?

By George, you're right!

I'd also change the microfiche one to 1 millionth of a trout. Putting fish in the straight line kind of gives it away.

[George]

Beatles Parody

[karlhenning]

Beatles Parody

Great fun!

[Superhorn]

  What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
  Beethoven's last movement.

  What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
  A flat miner.

  Where does virgin wool come from ? Ugly sheep.

  What's the most popular ice cream flavor in Baghdad? 
  Iraqi road.

  Sign on the wall in a dentist's office: Nothing dentured,nothing gained.

  Where do the best backscratchers come from.
  Australia,because they really get down under.

  What's the difference between German quisine and Chinese food?
   An hour after you eat German food,you're hungry for power.

   How many Republican politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

  They only screw poor people.

[Benji]

  What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
  Beethoven's last movement.

  What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
  A flat miner.

I liked the second joke but the first one is pathetique......

[George]

I liked the second joke but the first one is pathetique......

[Brian]

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"  Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom,  too.."

That's actually clever!

[Joe Barron]

  What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
  Beethoven's last movement.

What's brown and sits in a bell tower?
The Lunchbag of Notre Dame

[karlhenning]

The Lunchbag of Notre Dame

Very nice!

[Benji]

It was my flatmate's birthday on Saturday and I was contemplating baking. Later on I went looking on Amazon for a recording of the Glagolitic Mass and typed Janacake into the search box.

That was saturday and i've been giggling about it since. 

[Superhorn]

  What do you call a heavily cut performance of an opera by the 19th century French composer Ambroise Thomas?
  Answer: Filet Mignon.

  Why do worms like to go to New York City? That's because they
  like to get into the big apple.

  A school teacher came to traffic court for speeding, and the judge told her to go over to the chalkboard and write "I will not speed" 2,000 times.

Did you hear about the English teacher who got slapped by a woman because he ended a sentence with a proposition ?

Why is the Republican party called the GOP?
  That's because all it offers is a lot of political gop.

What's the difference between God and a conductor ?
  God doesn't think he's a conductor.

  Forget the flag . Burn a politician !

  I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.

Why did the scientist have the doorbel removed from his house?
  He wanted to win the no bell prize.   

[Saul]

Bach and Beethoven both joined a health club.

Bach did the sixths, and Beethoven the Fifths...

Chopin bore a hidden grudge to both of them for the rest of his life...

Ask me why?

"WHY?"

Well, its called Fogo de Chão

Both had spend too much time there...