The Joke Thread

Started by karlhenning, April 25, 2007, 12:34:49 PM

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Joe Barron

Quote from: Superhorn on October 04, 2010, 02:17:28 PM

What's the difference between God and a conductor ?
  God doesn't think he's a conductor.

Version I heard was this: Bernstein, Solti and Karajan are sitting at dinner. (So you can tell how long ago this was.) Bernstein says, "The London  Times just said I am the greatest living conductor."
And Solti says, "Is that so? Well, I was sitting at home lat night, and God appeared and told me I am the greatest living conductor."
And Karajan says, "Ja? I don't remember saying that."

Bulldog

Has GMG management offered you a deal where you get paid by the word?

Joe Barron

Quote from: Bulldog on October 05, 2010, 03:03:42 PM
Has GMG management offered you a deal where you get paid by the word?

Seriously, dude.

Satzaroo

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' 

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!   
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.   
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.   
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.   
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.   
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared.

Satzaroo

Quote from: Bulldog on October 05, 2010, 03:03:42 PM
Has GMG management offered you a deal where you get paid by the word?

Hey, I'm more vic than perp this time.  Succint enough, bro?

Bulldog

Quote from: Satzaroo on October 05, 2010, 05:42:02 PM
Hey, I'm more vic than perp this time.  Succint enough, bro?

That was 11 words, two commas, a period and a question mark.  I think you can improve on it.

DavidW

The gigantic amount of white space in Satzaroo's unfunny jokes post is irritating.  You use line breaks to separate paragraphs, not to separate sentences.  This post uses multiple line breaks per sentence.  We all have the habit of using unnecessary breaks in posts that are 3-5 sentences long, but when you post something that is a page long you should consider proper formatting. :)

karlhenning

Fie on Satzaroo for a sluggard! ; )

Satzaroo

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have wine."   


The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have cognac."   


The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have beer." 


The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have tequila." 


The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes."




Satzaroo

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Brian

Quote from: Satzaroo on October 06, 2010, 01:44:14 PM
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have wine."   

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have cognac."   

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have beer."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have tequila." 

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes."

Now this is funny! I think I'm going to steal it.

Satzaroo

*A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function whereNancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Adams took the opportunity to schmoozethe good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most atease.* *'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mentaldeficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'* *'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyoneshould answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on thetrack.'* *'What sort of question?' asked Adams.* *Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world anddied during one of them. Which one?''* *Adams thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn'thappen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know muchabout history.'*

greg

Quote from: Satzaroo on October 07, 2010, 05:32:57 PM
*A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function whereNancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Adams took the opportunity to schmoozethe good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most atease.* *'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mentaldeficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'* *'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyoneshould answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on thetrack.'* *'What sort of question?' asked Adams.* *Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world anddied during one of them. Which one?''* *Adams thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn'thappen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know muchabout history.'*
That was... interesting...

Wendell_E

Quote from: Greg on October 07, 2010, 05:39:14 PM
That was... interesting...

It looks like two versions of the joke got mixed up, one using Nancy Pelosi, and one using some Ms. Adams as the butt of the joke.  I found an all-Pelosi version here:  http://pilotsfor911truth.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=18274&mode=threaded&pid=10778529

Of course, it'd make even more sense if Ms. "I'm not a witch"'s name were substituted for Pelosi's. 
"Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience." ― Mark Twain

Satzaroo

schlomo522@hotmail.com
From: stan satz (schlomo522@hotmail.com)
Sent: Thu 10/15/09 4:47 PM
To:  schlomo522@hotmail.com



Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter, snowing and quite cold. And the guy had taken
her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful
until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an
hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point
where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road,
or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants
down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest
against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about
was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation.
Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she
bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were
firmly stuck to the car's fender.

Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent
that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply
that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She
too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a
real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the
grip of the icy metal!

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place,
both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his
pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands
down.
Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first date was
embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment: 'This gives a whole new meaning to being **** off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out?
He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Satzaroo

Quote from: DavidW on October 06, 2010, 04:52:31 AM
The gigantic amount of white space in Satzaroo's unfunny jokes post is irritating.  You use line breaks to separate paragraphs, not to separate sentences.  This post uses multiple line breaks per sentence.  We all have the habit of using unnecessary breaks in posts that are 3-5 sentences long, but when you post something that is a page long you should consider proper formatting. :)

I explained the foul up and apologized for it. And the fact that you cannot delete your own post doesn't help. Maybe your avatar should be a jackal.

George

Quote from: Satzaroo on October 09, 2010, 03:33:35 AM
And the fact that you cannot delete your own post doesn't help.

We can remove or modify our own posts. There's a button at the top right of each post that allows you to do this.

Saul

The best Tutorial I have ever seen... :D :) :) :)

A Simple Portrait Tutorial

http://www.youtube.com/v/DWg3TgDKmhM&feature=related

Satzaroo

Swine flu 

* Sowmenella
* Baconic Plague
* Pigpox
* Epigdemic
* Hamthrax
* Porkinson's
* Hamdemic
* SnOutbreak
* Hamaggeddon
* Tuporkulosis
* Mad Sow Disease
* Smallporks
* Porky's Revenge
* The Aporkalypse
* Alswiner's
* Spamdemic 2009
* Boar-ed To Death
* PigSlamic Jihad
* PigMentation
* DePigMentation


Satzaroo





BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN...


1st baby:  You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as yourOB / GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby:  You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby:  Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes. 
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby:  You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month. 
_____________________________ _______________________ _
The Layette  :

1st baby:  You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby:  Boys can wear pink, can't they?
__________________________________________ ____________
Worries:

1st baby:  At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby:  You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby:  You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

____________________ __________________________________
Pacifier:

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby:  When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from th e baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

______________________________________________________
Diapering:

1st baby:  You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby:  You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

______________________________________________________
Activities:

1st baby:  You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby:   You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby:  You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

______________________________________________________
Going Out:

1st baby:  The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby : Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby:  You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

______________________________________________________
At Home:

1st baby  : You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby:  You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:

1st child:    When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child:  When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance.