The Joke Thread

[Grazioso]

Rodney Dangerfield, king of the one-liner:

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking.  Now I drink in front of a mirror. 

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.  Last night she used me to time an egg.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger.  That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

[Satzaroo]

Ah, the limitations of a spell checker: From MSNBC on-line today: "Jerusalem bomb kills one, inures dozens."  REALLY!!!!!

[Satzaroo]

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of the fly.

Lady who goes camping with some men must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

Man who impulsively leaps off cliff, jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

Man who drives like hell is hellbound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is probably high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's fishing hole often catch crabs.

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!





 

[George]

Thanks for those, Schlomo! 

[Superhorn]

  Here are some more one liners :

  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong !

We never really grow up - we just learn how to act in public.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common -they both need to be changed frequently,
and for the same reason.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity !

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian .

  God must love stupid people ,because he made so many of them.

  The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas !

  Stealing from one person is plagiarism , but if you steal from a lot of people,
  it's research.

  I saw a woman with a sweatshirt saying "Guess It !", so I asked her,
  "Implants?"

   If you think that nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments .

  A conservative is a politician who wants to preserve what the liberals fought for
  a generation ago.

  I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather,not yelling and screaming
  like the passengers in the car he was driving.

  A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

  Light travels faster than sound, that's why most people appear to be brilliant before
  you hear them.

  Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He never had to hear her complain about all the different
  men she could have married instead of him, and she never had to hear him complain about how
  much better his mother's cooking was than hers.

  There's a light at the end of every tunnel -just hope it's not a train .

  Lawyer - larval state of a politician.

  We live in a society where pizza gets delivered to your house faster than the
  police take to get there.

  You were born an original - don't die a copy.

  Who said that men can't multitask ?  They read on the toilet.

 



 

                                                                                                                           
 

[MDL]

One for UK GMGers only.


Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and asks, "Can I get a large aperitif?"

The barman looks at her and says, "I seriously doubt it, love."

[Superhorn]

    Once Osama Bin Laden found himself on the other side after his well-seserved demise , he saw an angry mob of
    men dressed in 18th century clothes headed by George Washington and Thomas Jefferson .
    They were brandishing knives,guns,sharp sticks, and nooses etc, all manner of paraphermnilia to torture some one .
        They came up to him and started to beat, stab, shoot, hang ,waterboard  and pummel him over every inch of his
    body for hours on end, and Bin Laden screamed in agony .
    He asked "What's goimng on here ? I thought I was supposed to be in heaven enjoying eternal pleasure .
   And where are my 72 virgins ?" 
   Jefferson replied "We're 72 Virginians !"





                                                                                                                            
 

[George]

Joke by Zack Galifinakis (slightly edited to be more PC)

"I love to use a lot of Axe Body Spray, but I live in an urban neighborhood so they call it Ask Body Spray."

[Opus106]

If it's PC, then it can't be a joke. (Although some might argue that being PC is itself a joke.)

[karlhenning]

Askually, George's translation carries the jest nicely!

[Opus106]

Askually, George's translation carries the jest nicely!

I googled for the original version, and it gives the reason why I probably don't get it.

[karlhenning]

It's certainly a bit colloquial, Nav.

[Superhorn]

  If Mississippi gave Missouri a New Jersey ,what would Della wear ? Idaho,Alaska.

  What's the funniest animal in the world ? A stand up chameleon.

  A successful land developer has to have plot luck.

  Where does a Marxist get buried ? In a communist plot.

  She was only a trainman's daighter -loco with no motive.

  She was only a  moonshiner's daughter, but he loved her still.

  It's easy to milk a cow. Any jerk can do it.

  Did you hear about the dermatologist ? He started his practice from scratch .

  Michael Jackson's face - a pigment of his imagination.

  No matter how bad the prose is, it might be verse.

  Teenagers - surly to bed and surly to rise..

  Adam's rib -the original bone of contention.

  Rabbi addressing his congregation : Ladies and gentlemen of the Jewry.

  Give a woman an inch,and she thinks she's a ruler.

  Chronicle of sexual activity : Tri-weekly, try weekly, try weakly .

  After he swalowed a spoon, he couldn't stir.

  Did you hear about the sword swallower who goofed? Now he has a semi-colon.

  Bon-Vivant : A man who would rather be a good liver than have one.

  The only mental exercise most people get is jumping to conclusions.

  Never moon a werewolf .

  What do you get when you cross a galaxy with a toad ?  Star warts.

 





                                                                                                                                     



 

[Opus106]

Nice ones, superhorn. I especially liked the one on the bon vivant.

[Gurn Blanston]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'



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Now playing:
London SO \ Jochum 1979 - Op 125 Symphony #9 in d 3rd mvmt - Adagio molto e cantabile - Andante moderato

[Gurn Blanston]

An Irishman,  a Mexican and  a Blonde Guy were  doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,  'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time  I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blond opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again!  If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The  blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as  well.

At  the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The  Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. The  blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch..'



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Now playing:
London SO \ Jochum 1979 - Op 125 Symphony #9 in d 3rd mvmt - Adagio molto e cantabile - Andante moderato

[Florestan]

  (to both)

[Gurn Blanston]

(to both)

Thanks, hope you like these too...

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5:00.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b**ch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic... I mean, a red-headed kid with two
friends?
Sincerely,
Anonymous

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear 2011,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle

Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder

Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin

Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman

Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies

Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely,
Al Gore

Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol

Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some
Spanish douchebags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans

Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely,
Willy Wonka

Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore

Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant

Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper

[eyeresist]

The thread title "J.S. Bach's Organ Works!" is telling me something I really didn't need to know.

[Florestan]

Thanks, hope you like these too...