The Joke Thread

Started by karlhenning, April 25, 2007, 12:34:49 PM

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drogulus

Consider the following case:

On Twin Earth, a brain in a vat is at the wheel of a runaway trolley. There are only two options that the brain can take: the right side of the fork in the track or the left side of the fork. There is no way in sight of derailing or stopping the trolley and the brain is aware of this, for the brain knows trolleys. The brain is causally hooked up to the trolley such that the brain can determine the course which the trolley will take.

On the right side of the track there is a single railroad worker, Jones, who will definitely be killed if the brain steers the trolley to the right. If the railman on the right lives, he will go on to kill five men for the sake of killing them, but in doing so will inadvertently save the lives of thirty orphans (one of the five men he will kill is planning to destroy a bridge that the orphans' bus will be crossing later that night). One of the orphans that will be killed would have grown up to become a tyrant who would make good utilitarian men do bad things. Another of the orphans would grow up to become G.E.M. Anscombe, while a third would invent the pop-top can.

If the brain in the vat chooses the left side of the track, the trolley will definitely hit and kill a railman on the left side of the track, "Leftie" and will hit and destroy ten beating hearts on the track that could (and would) have been transplanted into ten patients in the local hospital that will die without donor hearts. These are the only hearts available, and the brain is aware of this, for the brain knows hearts. If the railman on the left side of the track lives, he too will kill five men, in fact the same five that the railman on the right would kill. However, "Leftie" will kill the five as an unintended consequence of saving ten men: he will inadvertently kill the five men rushing the ten hearts to the local hospital for transplantation. A further result of "Leftie's" act would be that the busload of orphans will be spared. Among the five men killed by "Leftie" are both the man responsible for putting the brain at the controls of the trolley, and the author of this example. If the ten hearts and "Leftie" are killed by the trolley, the ten prospective heart-transplant patients will die and their kidneys will be used to save the lives of twenty kidney-transplant patients, one of whom will grow up to cure cancer, and one of whom will grow up to be Hitler. There are other kidneys and dialysis machines available, however the brain does not know kidneys, and this is not a factor.

Assume that the brain's choice, whatever it turns out to be, will serve as an example to other brains-in-vats and so the effects of his decision will be amplified. Also assume that if the brain chooses the right side of the fork, an unjust war free of war crimes will ensue, while if the brain chooses the left fork, a just war fraught with war crimes will result. Furthermore, there is an intermittently active Cartesian demon deceiving the brain in such a manner that the brain is never sure if it is being deceived.

QUESTION: What should the brain do?

[ALTERNATIVE EXAMPLE: Same as above, except the brain has had a commisurotomy, and the left half of the brain is a consequentialist and the right side is an absolutist.]

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Florestan

Hey, Ernie, have you had more shots than usual?  ;D
Every kind of music is good, except the boring kind. — Rossini

drogulus


     I had a flu shot last year.
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Florestan

Quote from: drogulus on May 17, 2011, 04:12:57 AM
     I had a flu shot last year.

See, that is a better joke.  ;D
Every kind of music is good, except the boring kind. — Rossini

drogulus

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Octo_Russ

A true story,

A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig and gets a hold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks - something the decoys will float on.

Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks - a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill...

Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab (used for retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice - all to the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now...

The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms - yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked... Now finally one of the guys decides to think - something that neither had done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time the dog - still standing, became REALLY confused & of course scared...

Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice.

BOOM! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy...He had yet to make his first car payment.
I'm a Musical Octopus, I Love to get a Tentacle in every Genre of Music. http://octoruss.blogspot.com/

ibanezmonster

Quote from: Gurnatron5500 on May 15, 2011, 08:12:08 AM
An Irishman,  a Mexican and  a Blonde Guy were  doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,  'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time  I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blond opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again!  If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The  blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as  well.

At  the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The  Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. The  blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch..'

8)

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Gurn Blanston

Quote from: Greg on May 17, 2011, 05:16:33 PM
I've heard this one twice in church... have memorized it for years...

Yeah? Well you never told it to ME! >:(    :D

8)

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Mn Dave

Not sure if anyone has posted this before, and when have I ever cared anyway?  :P

http://anti-joke.com/

Gurn Blanston

Quote from: Mn Dave on May 24, 2011, 11:51:18 AM
Not sure if anyone has posted this before, and when have I ever cared anyway?  :P

http://anti-joke.com/

Well. That was funny.

8)
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Mn Dave

"What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin."

:D

DavidW

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.


On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home..


While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.


On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Mn Dave

Ha.

I expected the joke that ends, "Hold my cock and pullet while I tickle my ass."

I would expect that.  ;D

DavidW

Quote from: Mn Dave on May 25, 2011, 04:57:26 PM
Ha.

I expected the joke that ends, "Hold my cock and pullet while I tickle my ass."

I would expect that.  ;D

That would make for a good variation with a mule! :D

Gurn Blanston

Quote from: haydnfan on May 25, 2011, 04:55:16 PM
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.


On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home..


While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.


On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Heard it before, it doesn't lose a thing with the retelling. :D

8)

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DavidW

Yeah that's a good un Dave! :D

Superhorn

    What was Bach's favorite food ?

    Brandenburgers, of course !








;D                                                 ;)                                        :







8)                                                                                                           8)

Superhorn

   I missed my nap the other day.  I slept right through it.

   Art Theater : A place where the theater is clean, and the pictures are flthy.

  World's shortest will : "Being of sound mind, I spent all my money".

  Here's a way to cause confusion. Walk into an antique store and ask "What's new?"

  Squirrel's nest: A nutcracker suite.

  What good  is happiness ? It can't buy money .

  What do you give tot he man who has everything ? Antibiotics.

  Headline : Father of 14 shot - mistaken for a rabbit.

  Alimony : Bounty on the mutiny.

  I've got an allergy. I'm allergic to work.

  Hangover : The wrath of grapes.

  Marriage starts with billing and ccoing, but only the billing lasts.

  The biggest difference between men and boys is the cost of their toys.

  Baby Sitter : A teenager acting like an adult while the parents are out acting like
  teenagers.

  Adolescence: The time between puberty and adultery.

  Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.






   ;D                                ;D                                    ;D                              ;D                                  ;D

 

 

 
 

 

Gurn Blanston

A good ole boy from West Virginia won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.  He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,

"What'cha you gonna do with that there boat?  You know there ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of this here place."

He says, "I won it fair and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later.  He sees the wife and asks her where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat down in the middle of a big field with a fishing rod in his hand.  He yells out to him, "What'cha doin'?"

His brother replies, "What the hell does it look like I'm a doin'?  I'm fishin'".

His brother yells back, "It's people like y'all that give people from West Virginia a bad name.  All y'all make folks from everywhere else think we is stupid.   If I could swim, I'd come on out there and whip your ass!"

8)

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Haydn: that genius of vulgar music who induces an inordinate thirst for beer - Mily Balakirev (1860)