Okay, silly as all get-out joke I heard in Maryland this weekend past:
Pirate walks into a bar, the pirate has (of all things) a steering wheel attached to his ---.
The bartender serves the pirate, but cannot help asking, "Pardon me, but is that a steering wheel attached to, well, to your ---?
"Arrr! And it's driving me nuts."
This cheeseburger walks into a bar and says "gimme a beer!"
Bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."
::)
"The sign at the diner said, 'Breakfast served any time,' so I ordered scrambled eggs from the Renaissance." (Steven Wright)
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." (Bob Ettinger)
Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bar tender asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes? " Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.
Isn't the Grand Canyon just gorges?
Ever hear the one about the airplane? No? Well it was over your head anyway.
My dad used to tell this joke, usually to play the bad boy for his parents, who were members of a teetotalling church.
A minister, eager to teach his children about the evils of Demon Rum, gets two large jars, one filled with water, the other with alcohol. Into each, he puts an earthworm. In the water, the earthworm thrives. In the alcohol, it quickly dies and shrivels.
"Now, son, what does that tell you?" the minister asks.
The son answered, "If you drink a lot, you'll never have worms!"
_________________
"Never drink and drive. You might spill it."--J. Eugene Baker, aka my late father.
"What America needs is quarter way houses for people who can't make it in halfway houses."--George Carlin
"An economist is someone who sees something work in practice and wonders if it will work in theory."--Ronald Reagan
"Guns don't kill people. Gun nuts do."--popular bumper sticker
"When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve."--Jello Biafra
"Crescit sub pondere virtus."--Motto on McCann family crest.
A lawyer is a person who always find a problem
for every solution.
What's the difference between a viola and a coffin? A coffin has a dead person on the inside.
What do you do with a dead violist? Move him back a desk.
How do you make a viola section play tremolando pianissimo? Mark a passage soli.
What is the range of a Viola? As far as you can kick it.
etc. etc.
All of them orchestra favourites passed down from generation to generation.
And the best viola joke, though sadly it only works in German:
Was sind die drei Lagen auf der Bratsche?
Erste Lage, Notlage, und Niederlage.
(What are the three positions of the viola?
First position, emergency, and defeat.)
How many men does it take to open a beer?
It should already be open by the time she brings it to you.
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken... <zing>
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
"Just make me one with everything!"
Q: What did the onion say to the carrot?
A: Nothing. Vegetables can't talk ...
A "Bb" a "Db" and an "F" walk into a bar.
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors."
QQQ. What do they call people who always sit in the top deck of a double decker bus?
AAA. Passengers.
What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirtbag.
Courtesy of Bette Midler:
A man goes to the doctor, very upset.
Man: "I've got a really embarrassing personal problem. I can't stop doing silent farts. On the way here, I did six silent farts. Sitting in reception, I did four silent farts. And while I've been sat here talking to you, I've done two, whoops, no, make that three, silent farts. Can you do anything to help me?"
Doctor: "Well, the first thing I'm gonna do is check your hearing."
The orchestra's conductor cried off, suddenly, before the concert.
Efforts by management to find a replacement were fruitless.
Eventually, they were forced to look at the qualifications of the musicians and discovered that the principal violist had attended a Summer School in conducting only the year before.
He was offered the concert and took it. It was a huge success.
Next morning at rehearsal his colleague said to him: "Where were you last night?"
I once told a theory professor this joke...
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interr-- MOOOO!
He came back with this one -
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Period
Interr-- HALF CADENCE!!!
Quote from: Feanor on November 08, 2009, 05:11:37 PM
Robert Schumann: Cello Concerto in A minor, Op. 129 ~ Maria Kliegel, Andrew Constantine / Nat.Sym.Orch of Ireland
Boring Romantic drivel of the worst sort; this stuff gives the Classical genre a bad name.
(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51d%2BtiX2lwL._SL500_AA240_.jpg)
This was a good one too! :)
Jascha and Stasha, two naive factory workers from Warsaw, waited at the same bus stop every day for 30 years to go to work.
On this day, Stasha doesn't show up. Jascha looks around. NO Stasha!
Suddenly Stasha drives up in a Cadillac!
(Use any Slavic accent for the following 0:) )
Jascha: Hey! How you affort such a car?!
Stasha: Get in! I take you to voork and tell you whole storrry! Today I get to bus stop. Byootiful vooman drife by in dis car! She say: "Get in and I take you to voork!" I tink: "Safe a dollar bus fare!" So, I get in! But she not take me to voork! She take me out to field, take off all her clothes and says: "Take anyzink you vant!" So I take her car!"
Jasha: You pretty smart guy! Her clothes not fit you anyway!
What happened to the man who stole the rhubard?
He got held in custody ('custardy' - get it?)
When I was a child I really wanted a skateboard. I kept asking my parents but they kept on refusing, telling me that we were simply too poor for them to buy one for me.
So, one night I crept out to our garden shed and pulled out some planks of wood and a hammer and......... I battered my parents to death.
My foster parents bought me several skateboards. :)
Where do you find a drunken octopus ? On squid row.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus ?
Enough drumsticks for everybody .
What's the difference between Mile Tyson and a viola ?
A viola is harder on the ear .
What's the longest viola joke ? Harold in Italy .
What do you call a cow that's just given birth ? Decalfinated .
Have you heard about the group of gay women who are fans of a certain famous French composer and conductor ? It's a fan club called the Boulezbians .
How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb ? One, but the lightbulb has to have insurance.
What's the difference between an opera diva and a pitbull ? Jewelry .
What's the difference between a terrorist and an opera diva ?
You can negotiate with a terrorist .
What's the favorite drink of frogs ? Croak -a -cola.
Why did the elephant cross the road ? it was the chicken's day off .
Two silkworms had a race . They both ended up in a tie .
There were two weevils who grew up on a farm down south. They were friends at first, but later drifted apart . One weevil went to Harvard and MIT, and became a famous scientist. The other remained on the farm and never amounted to anything . This was became known as the lesser of two weevils .
;) :) ;D
Peter Schickele told this story when he had his radio show, Schickele Mix. I believe I wrote it here some years ago.
An anthropologist finds an unknown tribe in a remote area: he is drawn there by drumming, incredible drumming in fact, that never seemed to cease. He is able to communicate with the people, and meets the chief. Of course the drumming comes up in their talk, and immediately the chief looks nervous, making the anthropologist afraid that he has broken a taboo. But the chief says:
"If drums beat, life good!"
And in fact the drums beat 24 hours a day! The rhythms are never the same, and they sound fascinating, but the anthropolgist is sure something else is happening, because he cannot see the drummers anywhere. He keeps asking other members of the tribe about the drums, and where they might be located, but the answer is always the same:
"If drums beat, life good!"
After two weeks, the anthropolgist must leave, and he says his farewells to the chief, when...you guessed it!...the drums stop beating!!!
Suddenly people drop to their knees in anguish, claw the ground in despair, and everywhere there is Biblical wailing and gnashing of teeth!
"Oh no! OH NO!!!" cries the chief holding his head.
"Chief! What's wrong?" says the anthropologist. "What will happen now?!"
The chief gulps and trembles, but finally pulls himself together and says:
"Time for bass solo!!!"
I heard a variant on that.
(Maybe more than one.)
Two geeky ones:
A neutron walks into a bar "how much for a drink?" he asks. The bartender replies "For you, no charge"
There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary jokes and those who don't.
Quote from: Benji on November 11, 2009, 10:26:44 AM
Two geeky ones:
For your enjoyment, sir: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/6.html -- that is my favourite kind, although not all of them are effective. Clicking on Index will take you to a wider variety of humour in geekdom.
Quote from: opus106 on November 11, 2009, 10:38:55 AM
For your enjoyment, sir: http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/6.html -- that is my favourite kind, although not all of them are effective. Clicking on Index will take you to a wider variety of humour in geekdom.
Awesome, thanks! :D I like this one:
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''
Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.''
The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'
Kindly excuse the momentary excess in geekiness. :D
This contains better ones, and some are classic -- http://www.math.psu.edu/tseng/mathjoke1.html
The shortest math joke ever: Let epsilon be less than 0
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."
What kind of cheese do you eat at the garbage dump?
Debris!
(uh,... 'de Brie)
I went to the doctor and he said, "I think you should stop masturbating."
I said, "Why's that?"
He said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Quote from: Benji on November 11, 2009, 10:26:44 AM
There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary jokes and those who don't.
:-\
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Did that taste funny to you?"
Why don't they have Wal Marts in Iraq ? There's a target on
every corner.
What does a 500 pound parrot say ? "Polly want a cracker- NOW!!!!!"
What do you call a parrot in a raincoat ? Polly unsaturated.
Why did the elephant cross the road ? It was the chicken's day off.
What's the most popular ice cream in Baghdad? Iraqi Road !
How do you get down off an elephant? You can't ! Down comes off of
ducks !
What do you call 500 conductors at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start !
What's the difference between an opera diva and a pit bull? Jewelry.
Quote from: Joe Barron on December 07, 2009, 07:33:57 AM
So, an electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer are talking about God.
"God is the world's first and greatest electrical engineer,' says, obviously, the electrical engineer. "Look at the nervous system and the internal working of the brain: a tremendous feat of electrical engineering."
"That may be," says the mechanical engineer, "but if you look at the bones, tendons and muscles, you see that God is really a master mechanical engineer."
"No, he's a civil engineer," the civil engineer says.
"How do you figure?" the others ask.
"Who else but a civil engineer would run a wastewater system through a great recreational area?"
That is
so 8 posts ago. ;)
Quote from: Opus106 on December 07, 2009, 08:00:42 AM
That is so 8 posts ago. ;)
Well, I can't keep up with everything.
So, why do they bury lawyers ten feet underground?
Because deep down, they're really nice guys.
A violist goes to his oral examinations at the conservatory. The professor asks, "Can you tell me the subdominant of F?" and the violist says, "I thought F was the subdominant.
Quote from: Opus106 on December 07, 2009, 08:00:42 AM
That is so 8 posts ago. ;)
Like, totally! :D
Here's one that had my crying/struggling to breath, examples
(
follow link for more (http://www.pauldesousa.co.za/childcare-for-dummies))
(http://www.pauldesousa.co.za/wp-content/uploads/childcare101/8.jpg)
(http://www.pauldesousa.co.za/wp-content/uploads/childcare101/18.jpg)
Thanks, Benji. Some of those were really funny! Some a bit silly, and I think some others could actually be used for parents-to-be. ;D
Quote from: Superhorn on November 11, 2009, 08:12:05 AM
How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb ? One, but the lightbulb has to have insurance.
How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fifteen. One to change the bulb and fourteen to share the experience.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's OK. They'll sit in the dark.
How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to stand there and say, "I could have done that."
Saw this in the New Yorker:
One lion says to another: "I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."
Courtesy of our Queso Grande:
Lipstick in School
According to a news report, a certain private school in Cork, Ireland, was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers ..... and then there are educators.
Get ready to cringe... although I did really like the medium one 8)
What happened to the thief who stole loads of batteries?
He was thrown in a cell and charged in the morning!
What is it if you get sacked from working on the dodgems?
Funfair dismissal!
What do painters and decorators do when it gets cold?
Put on another coat!
What was the TV repair man's wedding like?
Well the reception was good!
Why are scruffy men the most popular in lonely hearts columns?
Because women like a man with no ties!
Who is the leader of the soft toys?
Tony Bear!
Who is the fastest cobbler in the world?
Michael Shoe-maker!
Why did the government get worried about people visiting Stalin's grave?
They thought it might be a communist plot!
(This is my favourite) Why did the customer punch the smiling
clairvoyent?
She wanted to strike a happy medium!
Why is it ok to make jokes about computers?
Because they're all PC!
Why was the Bonsai bank unsuccessful?
They kept cutting back on branches!
Has anyone caught an abominable snowman?
Not yeti!
Why don't you invite crabs in to your house?
Because they pinch things!
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his fuckin' widow."
8)
Have you heard of Bobby Flay's sister, Sue?
Sarah Palin
So, Charles DeGaulle phones Golda Meir and tells her, in no uncertain terms, that when he dies, it is imperative he be buried in the Holy Land, and he asks how much a plot in the desert would cost.
"Well," Golda says," we barely have enough room for ourselves, and land is at a premium. For a foreigner and a gentile, a grave in Israel would cost over a hundred thousand dollars American."
And DeGaulle says, "For three days?"
Q: What would happen if Communists take over the Sahara desert?
A: In the first two years sand will still be available.
Capitalism means man's exploitation by his fellow man. Communism means exactly the other way around.
Q; Was Communism invented by philosophers or scientists?
A; Philosophers.
Q: Why, of course! Had it been invented by scientists, it would have been tested firstly on rats.
John and Ivan have a drink in Moscow, 1970.
John: You know, we Americans are absolutely free. If I place myself in front of the White House and shout loud "Down with Nixon!" nobody's going to arrest me.
Ivan: We Russians are as free as you are, too. If I place myself in the middle of the Red Square and shout loud "Down with Nixon!" nobody's going to arrest me either.
No one would arrest the American who screamed "Down with Nixon!" But the "plumbers" would be marking his activities . . . .
. . . so what was the dinosaur doing in the bathroom in the first place? . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuq8e2zc8SE&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuq8e2zc8SE&feature=player_embedded)
Six impossible pieces for piano midi. Well, impossible for a human to play at least.
Quote from: Benji on March 19, 2010, 06:29:49 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuq8e2zc8SE&feature=player_embedded (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuq8e2zc8SE&feature=player_embedded)
Six impossible pieces for piano midi. Well, impossible for a human to play at least.
I thought I saw those before, but they didn't look familiar this time.
Hey, Mommy, look what my piano teacher, Franz Liszt taught me to play today! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch/v/OO7Yq11OVMk&feature=related
Quote from: Greg on March 19, 2010, 06:49:56 PM
I thought I saw those before, but they didn't look familiar this time.
Hey, Mommy, look what my piano teacher, Franz Liszt taught me to play today! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch/v/OO7Yq11OVMk&feature=related
Well...if pianism ever becomes an evolutionary advantage I imagine that's the kind of thing that we'll have in store
For the 200 anniversary of the birth of Chopin, here are some Cho-Puns, and may
his spirit forgive me for this:
What's on your Chopin Liszt? I'm having Cho-pangs of guilt.
A Cho-Panic attack. Chopin-demic flu. Chopin-demonium.
I had a Chopin-wich for lunch.
Bob is going in for a Chopin-dectomy this week.
Italian Dishes in honor of Chopin: Chopin-cetta. Chopin-icotti.
Chopin-zers: German tanks equipped with pianos.
Don't Chopin-ic . Chopin your pencil ! Man up and stop being such a Chopin-sy.
Chopin's Labyrinth . Chopin-taloons.
Chopin-animatronics. Have a glass of Chopigne.
What lives at the zoo and plays the piano ? A Chopin-zee .
;D ;D ;D ;D
Also beware of Mahleria, which experts think will have a wide-spread hold over the world especially in the next two years, and Scarlatti Fever A.
Quote from: Opus106 on March 20, 2010, 07:02:46 AM
Also beware of Mahleria, which experts think will have a wide-spread hold over the world especially in the next two years, and Scarlatti Fever A.
Or certain allergens, which will give you a bad case of 'Ives.
Why did the baker's hands smell?
Because he kneaded a poo.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
8)
Quote from: Gurn Blanston on March 20, 2010, 07:08:02 PM
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)
I went to the doctor to have my knackers examined.
As he was prodding about in my privates, the doctor said, "Don't worry; it's perfectly natural to get an erection during this procedure."
I said, "I haven't got an erection."
"I know," said the doctor, "but I have."
Knackers?
A fellow walked into the doctor's office all bruised ,scratched and beaten up.
The doctor was startled and asked, "You look terrible! What happened?"
He replied,"Well, doc, the weirdest thing happened last night". I answered the doorbell,and there was a giant six-foot cockroach at the door. It barged in and beat me to a pulp, and left".
The doctor replied,"Yes, there's a really nasty bug going around."
;D ;D ;D ;D
What do you call a fellow with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
Two zen matches in a matchbox. One of them asks the other "How can I become enlightened?"
"Use your head," the other replies.
:-[
A doctor calls a plumber to do some work at his home.
But he's appalled by the exorbitant bill. He says to the plumber, "I'm a doctor and I don't even charge my patients that much!" The plumber replies,"Neither did I when I was a doctor !"
;D ;D ;D ;D
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep
him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps
choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar
reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her
coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts
thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No", the woman replied, "divorce lawyer"
8)
----------------
Listening to:
L'Estro Armonico / Solomons - Hob 01 035 Symphony in Bb 2nd mvmt - Andante
Gotta love those professional women. . . 8)
I'd have a beer with her.
Not.
It is Xmas. Luke Skywalker visits Darth Vader.
"You were lucky this year," Darth breathes. "I know what you got for Xmas."
Luke is surprised.
"You know what I got for Christmas?" he gasps.
Vader nods. "I felt your presents."
Frank came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Frank , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ....'
Frank was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . ..... You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Frank was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Frank, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster.. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Frank ..
'Well just relax and let it happen'..
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him .. . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
' Frank, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!' >:(
8)
----------------
Listening to:
Francesco Giammarco - Cherubini Sonata #2 in C for Keyboard 1st mvmt - Moderato
What's the favorite drink of frogs ? Croakacola !
How do you get a frog off your windshield? Turn on the de-frogger !
What do cats call mice on a skate board? Meals On Wheels !
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb ? Fish !!!
What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull ?
An orchestra has the horns in the rear and the a&^%$#@ up front.
Why did the elephant cross the road ? It was the chicken's day off !
Why did the lion cross the jungle? To get to the other pride.
What holds of the Frog's Neck bridge ? Ribbits.
Groan !!!!
Some jokes, some truths (but which are which?)
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Two apples are walking down the street.
One says ' I'm the sweetest apple in the whole world'.
The other one objected :"Hell No! I'm the sweetest apple in the whole world!...
The argument went on for hours...
Spontaneously there walked a dog there and he asked the apples :
' My dear Apples Let me be the judge and settle this for you once and for all'?
'Please do!' they replied.
The dog took the first apple and gave it a big mouthful...
:"Woho! This is some sweet apple! Now lets try the second one!
He grabbed the second one and hurled to his belly, and that was the end of the two sweet apples who were very sweet indeed in the dog's belly.
I wonder which of the two apples was the more spiritual...
Quote from: Opus106 on April 04, 2010, 12:20:22 PM
I wonder which of the two apples was the more spiritual...
The one that the worm came out of was very
holy indeed. 0:)
:D
Saudi ingenuity
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQCm-5wn1a8&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQCm-5wn1a8&feature=related)
Car Race in Yemen.....Only in Yemen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQxZi0z0RhU&NR=1
Real Turkish Delight!
Lots of timpani...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHJJuvGuQpk&feature=related
Quote from: Opus106 on April 04, 2010, 12:20:22 PM
I wonder which of the two apples was the more spiritual...
Quote from: DavidW on April 04, 2010, 12:23:04 PM
The one that the worm came out of was very holy indeed. 0:)
:D
You see, Florestan? ::)
;) ;D
Yeah I couldn't help but pun badly! ;D
Quote from: secondwind on April 03, 2010, 11:06:23 PM
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Always loved this one.
And then I found out what I needed to do, in the garage, in order to become a car . . . .
Quote from: Opus106 on April 04, 2010, 12:35:52 PM
You see, Florestan? ::)
;) ;D
If you mean me, what's there to see that's got to do with me? :)
Quote from: Florestan on April 06, 2010, 05:14:13 AM
If you mean me, what's there to see that's got to do with me? :)
I was wondering that myself, thought it was a private joke between you two, guess not! :D
Quote from: Florestan on April 06, 2010, 05:14:13 AM
If you mean me, what's there to see that's got to do with me? :)
The Spirituality = Holiness thing. ::)
Quote from: Opus106 on April 06, 2010, 06:56:32 AM
The Spirituality = Holiness thing. ::)
Oh my! You make very odd connections, my friend! :) :D
I see somebody's started a poetry thread. I was going to post this just to be awkward, but it belongs here (if it belongs anywhere):
Mary had a little dress
Split right up the side,
And every step that Mary took,
The boys could see her thigh.
Mary had another dress
Split right up the front.
But she never wore that one.
The Top !0 TV Shows IN Iraq :
1. Husseinfeld.
2. Mad About Everything.
3. Allah McBeal.
4. Wheel Of Fortune And Terror.
5. Achmed's Creek.
6. The Price Is Right If Saddam Says It's Right.
7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest.
8. The Brian Ben Ben Bin Laden Show .
9. Buffy The Slayer Of American Imperialist Dogs .
10 Suddenly Sanctions.
http://www.youtube.com/v/sm7jman3aQ4
Quote from: MDL on April 08, 2010, 03:26:47 AM
I see somebody's started a poetry thread. I was going to post this just to be awkward, but it belongs here (if it belongs anywhere):
Mary had a little dress
Split right up the side,
And every step that Mary took,
The boys could see her thigh.
Mary had another dress
Split right up the front.
But she never wore that one.
That reminds me of:
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
I don't know.
(need the right tone to make it work)
Cape Cod Massachusetts. Yes, it matters.... :)
A young blond woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Bourne Bridge . She was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying. He took pity on her and said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship and you can start a new life in Europe ... I'll take good care of you and bring you food everyday".
"How can I repay you for such kindness" she asked.
"Just let me make love to you each night..." The blond agreed.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who stowed me away" she explained. "I get food and free passage to Europe and he's screwing me".
"He certainly is", the captain said. "This is the Martha's Vineyard Ferry."
8)
----------------
Now playing:
Christine Schornsheim - Hob 16 45 Sonata #29 in Eb for Keyboard 1st mvmt - Moderato
The nurse told me I had to stop masterbating! :o :o
And I was like, "Huh?,...why?"
"Because I'm trying to give you an exam!"
In London, a City banker, in his mid 50's, serious, very elegant, wearing a melon hat, and a dark 3-piece suit is standing at a bus stop with a young punk bloke, wearing various piercings, with red/green/yellow blue and purple hair.
The City Gentleman is looking down on the punk with a certain despising air.
Offended, the punk shouts at him : "Got a problem mate ?? Looking at you, I actually think you have !! It doesn't seem like you have done anything excentric in your life !!! "
The banker stares at him for an instant and replies :
" You are well mistaken young man... Once, in my youth, in the West Indies, I have shagged a parrot.. and I was wondering if by any funny twist of fate, you were my son ! "
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's meat?"
The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"
World Cup Fever
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral
Quote from: George on July 01, 2010, 12:24:31 PM
World Cup Fever
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral
The golf version of this joke is more well known, I think.
Quote from: Scarpia on July 01, 2010, 01:24:27 PM
The golf version of this joke is more well known, I think.
I don't get it. Perhaps you forgot the punch line? ???
Quote from: George on July 01, 2010, 01:37:01 PM
I don't get it. Perhaps you forgot the punch line? ???
Very clever. ::)
QuoteFred, playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a twosome. After a few holes, the twosome finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself. He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory. The twosome commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. "So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral."
http://www.jokesnjokes.net/funny.jokes.amusing.humor.laughs/Sports/golf004.htm (http://www.jokesnjokes.net/funny.jokes.amusing.humor.laughs/Sports/golf004.htm)
Quote from: George on July 01, 2010, 03:19:46 PM
Now I am really lost. ???
Just pointing out, for the benefit of joke historians students of comparative joke literature, that your World cup joke is a variant on a traditional golf joke. 8)
Polyvalence in humor.
Discovered this one recently:
QuoteOnce I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
"Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
What fingerings does a black pianist use for a C major scale?
Doesn´t matter, because you should only use the white ones.
Quote from: -abe- on July 03, 2010, 09:57:23 PM
It's an oldy, isn't it?
First time I've heard it, actually.
Quote from: Greg on July 04, 2010, 04:37:14 AM
First time I've heard it, actually.
An interesting story behind the joke:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/2005/sep/29/comedy.religion
Be gentle; don't make The Joke Thread into bashing religion.
(Just saying.)
Definition of a psychiatrist: A talent scout for mental institutions.
Did you hear about the Indian who drank so much tea he drowned in his tipi?
Gynecologist to patient: At your cervix !
Why did the English teacher get slapped in the face by a woman?
He ended a sentence with a proposition !
Forget the flag! Burn a politician !
The IRS: They've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Great bumper stickers: You ! Out of the gene pool !
Jesus loves you. Every one else thinks you're an idiot.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still a jerk.
I refuse to do a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
My wife's other car is a broomstick.
I miss my wife, but my aim is improving.
Never moon a werewolf !
Opera singers do it on the high Cs.
:) ;D :D 8)
Imagine my surprise when I found that a lawyer joke which I must have told a dozen times appears in an early scene of Spielberg's Hook.
This one I can mainly credit to my little brother, but I shaped it into a joke.
Q: What is different about some of the birthday cards you see in Kentucky?
A: They say, "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!"
Brahms saying Guten Taag
http://www.youtube.com/v/odtqNoW1JE0&feature=related
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Plato: For the common good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical necessity.
Hippocrates: Becase of an excess of pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be
discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid, as the authorial intent can never be discerned,and structuralism is dead.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration,
as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the
road, but also with fear, for who among them has the strength to
contend with such a paragon of avian virtue. In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take !
Douglas Adams: 42.
Friedrich Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the road,the road gazes back at you.
Oliver North: National security was at stake.
Ronald Reagan: I forgot !
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develope in such a fashion
that it would tend to cross roads,even while believing these actions were of its own free will.
Jean Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural Gestalt necessitated cross the road at this historical juncture.And therefore
synchronicitously brought such occurrances into being.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Wittgenstein: The possibility of crossing was encoded into the objects
chicken and road and circumstances came into being which caused
the actualization of this potential occurrance.
Charles Darwin: It was the logical next stepafter coming down
from the trees.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
The Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Epiciris: For fun.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It did not cross the road, it transcended it.
Howard Cosell: It may have very well been one of the most
astonishing events to grace the annals of history. Anheroic,unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such a herculean achievement formerly relegated to Homo Sapiens pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrance.
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe: The eternal hen principle made it do it.
Earnest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisneberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Jack Nicholson: Cause it Bleepin' wanted to .That's the bleepin'
reason.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Mark Twain: Reports of the chicken's crossing have been greatly exaggerated.
YIKES !!!!!!
BECAUSE IT WANTED TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE...
::) I'm surprised that nobody has ever contemplated this most logical and reasonable solution to the problem...
Either that, or it doesn't know what it wants, and was just walking around aimlessly. :D
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A. "Is that you mommy?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the psycho path.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?
A. Spoiled milk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?
A. ME!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?
A. In snow banks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?
A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why did the tomato turn red?
A. It saw the salad dressing!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A. At the BP station!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?
A. Odor in the court.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.
The dumbest kid in the world.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."
Quote from: Dancing Divertimentian on July 06, 2010, 09:17:14 PM
The dumbest kid in the world.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over."
Great!
Polish Sausage
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
Looks like this guy is a little too much into cats...
(http://api.ning.com/files/KvDqvMNCP38FXNrMTkjxktSK9ZTRHvkLML7APB77ULocnN8hJYAFg63wQGs*REmf0yJ7KvuuGMg2T6X998Sgh3qjltgX20LI/funny_car_pictures_11.jpg)
Q: What's brown and sits in a bell tower?
A: The lunchbag of Notre Dame.
Q: What did the snail say when it went for a ride on the back of the tortoise?
A: Wheeeeeeee!
Here are some more miscellaneous ones.
What's the difference between a vulture and a Jewish mother?
A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Why didn't the kid tell his mother that he had eaten some glue?
His lips were sealed.
Be kind to your dentist, because he has fillings,too.
Why don't cross-eyed people make good teachers?
They can't control their pupils.
Why should you go to performances of Giselle at the ballet?
That's because there's nothing like Adam.
Mary had a little lamb. And the doctors fainted.
Demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Sign in a dentist's office: Nothing dentured,nothing gained.
Sunburn-a fry in the ointment.
Proctology- a career where the doctor starts at the bottom and
stays there.
Doctors and lawyers agree- the best things in life are fee.
When a society has to resort to a lavatory for humor, the writing is on the wall.
Definition of a psychiatrist: A talent scout for mental institutions.
Definition of an old-timer: Some one who can remember when bacon and eggs and sunshine were good for us.
When in a hospital, always guard your rear. Remember,you're in enema territory.
Mother: My daughter has me worried, running around with that new doctor in town.
Friend: Don't worry. Just feed her an apple a day.
What do you get when you cross Dracula with a pig?
A hampire.
Did you hear about the pig who got castrated? He was disgruntled.
;D ;D ;D ;D
I don't get the Giselle one. :-\ (Yes, I'm aware that the music was composed by Adolphe Adam.)
New Panties
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."
He never heard the gunshot
8)
----------------
Now playing:
Spada (Keyboard \ Bolognese (Violin) \ Bergamelli (Cello) - Clementi Op 29 #3 Sonata in D for Keyboard, Violin & Cello 2nd mvmt - Finale: Molto vivace
That's pun on "There is nothing like a dame" from "South Pacific".
Quote from: Superhorn on July 11, 2010, 07:32:15 AM
That's pun on "There is nothing like a dame" from "South Pacific".
Thanks. :) Obviously, I'd never heard of the musical before.
This car runs on milk...
(http://www.mccullagh.org/db9/1ds-10/burning-man-cat-art-car.jpg)
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey I haven't seen you in awhile. What happened? You look terrible..."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand
was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one
of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."
"Well, you see, I was just back from havin' the hook fitted...."
8)
----------------
Now playing:
La Petite Bande / Kuijken - Hob 01 089 Symphony #89 in F 1st mvmt - Vivace
Ouch!
There were these two swedish twins who looked so incredibly alike, that sometimes they borrowed money from each other without the other really knowing about it.
An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped
at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way
to Belfast?" The Irishmen asked, "Are you walking or driving?"
The Australian replied, "I'm driving!" The Irishman said, "Aye,
that'd be the quickest way!"
In these turbulent time, let's re-visit this lesson on economics.
Socialism
You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.
Communism
You have 2 cows. The State takes them both and gives you some milk.
Fascism
You have 2 cows. The State takes both of them and sells you some milk.
Bureaucratism
You have 2 cows. The State takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.
Traditional Capitalism
You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.You sell them and retire on the income.
Surrealism
You have 2 giraffes. The Government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
An American corporation
You have 2 cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of 4 cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow dropped dead.
A French corporation
You have 2 cows. You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads because you want 3 cows.
A Japanese corporation
You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.
A German corporation
You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
An Italian corporation
You have 2 cows but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.
A Russian corporation
You have 2 cows. You count them and discover you have 5 cows. You count them again and learn you have 43 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A Swiss corporation
You have 5000 cows but none of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.
A Chinese corporation
You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim you have full employment and high bovine productivity. The police arrest the journalist who reported the real situation.
An Indian corporation
You have 2 cows. You worship them.
A British corporation.
You have 2 cows. Both are mad.
An Iraqi corporation
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the bejesus out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.
An Australian corporation
You have 2 cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A New Zealand corporation
You have 2 cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.....
Any suggestions as to what a Progressive Corporation would do?
You have two cows but both are lesbian cows...
Quote from: springrite on July 16, 2010, 04:58:10 AM
You have two cows but both are lesbian cows...
And they milk each other?
Quote from: erato on July 16, 2010, 04:59:56 AM
And they milk each other?
Is there any other way?
Quote from: erato on July 16, 2010, 04:46:19 AM
A Russian Soviet corporation
You have 2 cows. You count them and discover you have 5 cows. You count them again and learn you have 43 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
You have a five-cow plan, which you exceed because of the milkers' enthusiasm.
Who received the first heart transplant?
Richard the Lion Hearted.
What the main disease affecting the members of the senate and congress in Washington? Spendicitis.
When a society has to resort to the lavatory for humor,the writing is on the wall.
Definition of a psychiatrist: A talent scout for mental institutions.
Mothering is only one letter away from smothering.
Some people cause joy wherever they go;others cause joy whenever they go.
Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic and say"Who do you think you are?"
I like long walks,especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
I refuse to do a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Do witches run spell checks?
Dain bramaged.
Budget- a method of going broke methodically.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to to drown too?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
There can't be a crisis today.My schedule is already too full.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.
There are three kinds of people; those who can count,and those who
can't.
Be nice to your kids; they're the ones who will choose your
nursing home.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will do.
Proof read to see if you any words out.
I can see clearly now.... the brain is gone.
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
Life is spent between episodes of women being mad at you.
My reality check bounced.
Forget the flag- burn a politician!
The proper response to "good morning" is not "prove it!"
I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Always borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.
Energizer bunny arrested,charged with battery.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier!
God grant me the senility to forget the people I couldn't stand,
the good fortune to run into the people I really liked, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
What does Mike Tyson say to his girlfriends when he's with them?
"Mace will do that to you".
;D ;D
8) 8)
From Family Guy:
"You're as lame as FDR."
When my grandpa died my family couldn't decide whether to bury him or cremate him, so we compromised; we set his coffin on fire.
A man goes to a library.
Man: I want that new book about men with small penises.
Librarian: It's not in yet.
Man: Yes, that's the one.
I'll get my coat.
;D
I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like Grampa. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.
Wal-Mart is now offering cheap wines of its own .
Among the choice offerings are:
Peanut Noir. Chateaux Des Moines. Stagger Home.
Big Red Gulp. Chef Boyardeaux. Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes.
I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar! World Championship Wriesling.
Chateaux Trailer Double Wide. Gra[e Expectations.
Nasti Spumante. Nascarbernet. Whitetrashfindel.
Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde Du Pays".
;D ;D ;D ;D
Headlines 2055: Florida is finally readmitted to the Union.
Spotted Owl plague now threatens western crops and livestock.
George Z. Bush says he will run for president.
50 year study: Diet and exercize key to losing weight.
Nursing home resident Bill Clinton denies Candy Striper allegations.
Texas executes its last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on mutants.
Baby conceived naturally-scientists stumped.
Ozone caused by electric cars
Average height of NBA basketball players nine feet seven inches.
Unionized Chinese workers now making 4,000,000,000 Yen
an hour .American-owned businesses now returning to cheap
labor in USA.
White minority in USA demands reparations and civil rights.
New California law requires that all machetes, steak knives and baseball bats be registered before January 2056.
Blessed are they that can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
I married my wife for her looks-but not the ones she's been giving me lately. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant rather like having a peeing section in a pool? What do you give to a man who has everything? Antibiotics ! Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? I don't have an attitude problem,you have a perception problem.Don't be irreplacable-If you can't be replaced, you won't get promoted. Why do they call the Republican party the GOP? Because that's all they offer-political gop !
What do a velvet Elvis painting and George W. Bush have in common? Neither belongs in the White House.
What happens if you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budget.
A man's home is his castle,in a manor of speaking.
Dijon Vu- the same mustard as before.
A man needs a mistress,just to break up the monogamy.
When two egotists meet,it'a an I for an I.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floorplay.
Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding-a case of wife or death.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Another name for Pavlov's dogs-the salivation army.
Redundency-an airbag in a politician's car.
It's tough being a politician-half your reputation is ruined by lies, and the other half is ruined by the truth.
;D ;D ;D ;D
Quote from: Superhorn on September 09, 2010, 07:38:22 AM
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant rather like having a peeing section in a pool?
If that wasn't Geo. Carlin, it oughtta be.
Imagine a farting section in church....
Interesting Business Mergers:
There will be a four way merger between these businesses:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics,
The Fuller Brush company and W.R. Grace, forming
"Hale Mary Fuller Grace".
Knott's Berry farm in California will be collaborating with the National Organization for Women ,forming "Knott Now."
Fed EX and UPS will be combining in order to form" FEDUP."
Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Zesta Crackers are combining in order to form "PolyWarner Cracker."
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco Industries and
Dakota Mining are combining to form "ZipAudiDoDa."
And finally, Playboy magazine is collaborating with Smith and Wesson guns to form "Titty Titty Bang Bang".
;D ;D ;D ;D
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the divorce court.
Judge: Mr Mouse, I don't believe that Mrs Mouse having buck teeth is a good enough reason to divorce her.
Mickey: I didn't say she had buck teeth; I said she was fucking Goofy.
A Chinese -American couple,Mr. and Mrs. Wong, go to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The deliviery is normal, but when the baby is brought to the couple to see for the first time, they notice that something is not quite right.
The baby has blonde hair and blue eyes. The new father says puzzled, "That's odd, two Wongs don't make a white !"
;D ;D ;D ;D
Two elderly couples go out to dinner one evening, men in the front of the car, women in the back. Sid, who is driving, says to Irv, "So where do you want to eat?" Irv says, "How about that Italian place we ate at a couple of months ago? They had excellent lasagna."
Sid says, "What was the name of it?"
Irv says, "I forget. Give me the name of a flower."
"A flower?"
"Yes, a flower. A common flower."
"Orchid."
"No, a common flower. One you see around every day."
"A daffodil."
"No that's not it," Irv says. "It's a very common flower, like you would put in a vase."
"Rose?"
"That's it!' Irv says, and he turns to his wife in the back seat and says, "Rose, what was the name of that restaurant?"
A guy in a bar notices an attractive young lady there and asks the bartender about his chances of getting to know her.
But the bartender warns him that she's a lesbian and tells him not to bother with her.
Undeterred, he goes up to her and asks, "So what part of Lesbia are you from?"
Q: If April showers bring May flowers; then what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims.
MU-CHOW!
Quote from: Superhorn on September 15, 2010, 07:51:34 AM
A guy in a bar notices an attractive young lady there and asks the bartender about his chances of getting to know her.
But the bartender warns him that she's a lesbian and tells him not to bother with her.
Undeterred, he goes up to her and asks, "So what part of Lesbia are you from?"
Maybe this should be renamed the groan thread.
Lesbians are from lesbos, BTW.
Quote from: Scarpia on September 15, 2010, 08:14:07 AM
Lesbians are from lesbos, BTW.
A guy in a bar is statistically unlikely to know that. Why have the joke sacrifice verisimilitude for Classical accuracy? ; )
Quote from: Philoctetes on September 15, 2010, 08:12:34 AM
Q: If April showers bring May flowers; then what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims.
When I was eight years old, the punchline was "hay fever."
Why do elephants have flat feet?
So they can walk on marshmallows.
Why to elephants walk on marshmallows?
So they won't fall in the hot chocolate.
Here's a good one:
Ask me "knock, knock" ...
Then you say, "Who's there?" and we're stumped, right?
Greatest knock knock joke ever was on one of Bill Maher's panel discussions. Gary Shandling said to Kato Kaelin, "Knock knock."
Kato said, "Who's there?"
And Gary said, "Oh, you know."
Of course, that joke only works if you're talking to Kato.
Whatever happened to Gary Shandling?
Quote from: Franco on September 15, 2010, 11:29:57 AM
Whatever happened to Gary Shandling?
I do miss him. They shoudl bring back the Larry Sanders show. 8)
Why did th elephant cross the road? It was the chicken's day off.
;D ;D ;D ;D
Have you heard about the new radio station WPMS?
Every monthg it plays three weeks of blues and one week of ragtime.
What do you get when you cross a mafioso with Albert Einstein?
An offer you can't understand.
How many conservative politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Conservative politicians only screw poor people.
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish !
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for everybody !
Where do you find a drunken, down-and-out octopus?
On squid row.
Don't know if it's still there, but there was (at least) a restaurant on Manhattan called Squid Roe.
OK, Iam not sure if it was meant to be a joke or maybe she was serious but, last week Kimi held a pen and just moved it around apiece of paper with no apparent purpose in mind (or does she has the motor control to actually draw anything recognizeable). Soon a continuous line that goes round and round got thicker and thicker, messier and messier. So I had to ask:
"Hey, what are you drawing?"
"Dad, don't you recognize a bowl of noodles???"
PS: She then looked at me like I was stupid or something...
The surreal version I heard was this:
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to put the lawn chairs in the bathtub and the other to set fire to the giraffe.
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen: one to change the light bulb and fourteen to share the experience.
How many straight waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There aren't any.
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
That's all right. They'll sit in the dark.
How many children with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
Wanna ride bikes?
And one I actually made up:
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change the light bulb and one to stand there are say, "I could have done that."
I told this at a cattle call audition once, and another actor repeated it back to me months later. It must have gotten around.
Quote from: Joe Barron on September 17, 2010, 09:42:34 AM
And one I actually made up:
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change the light bulb and one to stand there are say, "I could have done that."
I told this at a cattle call audition once, and another actor repeated it back to me months later. It must have gotten around.
I've heard that as a drummer joke.
Quote from: Joe Barron on September 17, 2010, 10:49:28 AM
Well, then, it has traveled.
Yes, all the way to China, too!
Q: What did the blind man say as he passed by the fish market?
A: Mornin' ladies!
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:
Talking Dog
For Sale
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. So, the guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies..
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
8)
----------------
Now playing:
Lussier / Thouin / Plourde / Loiselle - Devienne Op 73 #2 Quartet in F for Bassoon & Strings 1st mvmt - Allegro
Quote from: Joe Barron on September 17, 2010, 09:42:34 AM
The surreal version I heard was this:
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to put the lawn chairs in the bathtub and the other to set fire to the giraffe.
How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen: one to change the light bulb and fourteen to share the experience.
How many straight waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
None. There aren't any.
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
That's all right. They'll sit in the dark.
How many children with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
Wanna ride bikes?
And one I actually made up:
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: one to change the light bulb and one to stand there are say, "I could have done that."
I told this at a cattle call audition once, and another actor repeated it back to me months later. It must have gotten around.
My apologies if this is a repeat. . .
How many Julliard students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to kick over the ladder.
Quote from: secondwind on September 18, 2010, 10:09:05 AMHow many Julliard students does it take to change a light bulb?Two. One to change the bulb, and one to kick over the ladder.
Oh, I like that one ...
Quote from: secondwind on September 18, 2010, 10:09:05 AM
My apologies if this is a repeat. . .
How many Julliard students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to kick over the ladder.
I don't get it. ???
Quote from: George on September 18, 2010, 08:19:51 PM
I don't get it. ???
Let's just say that Juilliard students aren't exactly one big lovey-dovey family.
Quote from: DavidRoss on September 18, 2010, 08:41:47 PM
Let's just say that Juilliard students aren't exactly one big lovey-dovey family.
Yeah, I figured that might be it. Thanks.
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink. I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve. Then some jack-ass shows up and drinks the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Whenever my wife decides to paint a room, she asks me to first move the furniture. I have a tendency to prematurely do so, assuming that she is actually going to begin her work on the day she has set aside for the job. This morning my wife got up just as I had left the downstairs bathroom, which is next to the den due to be painted today. My wife, who evidently had changed her mind about when she will be painting, fears that I have started to clear out the furniture. She shouts, "Stop moving the furniture." I reply, "The only thing that I moved was my bowels."
A guy named Benny finds one of those lamps with the genie in it,and rubs it. Naturally,the genie comes out of the lamp and thanks him for freeing him.
He tells Benny that as a reward,he may have anything he wants.All the riches,power,fame and beautiful women he could ever want.
But there's one condition. He must let his beard grow and never shave it off. The genie warns that there will be dire consequences if he does.
Do Benny lets his beard grow and becomes fabulously wealthy,and lives a life of unimaginable luxury.
But some years later, he forgets the warning and shaves his beard off. Suddenly,the genie appears and says ominously-"Benny,you have shaved your beard off and all your happiness is at an end.Now for the dire consequences.I will turn you into an earn,"
Poof,and in an instant Benny turns into an urn.
The moral of the story? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned".
That should read "So Benny,"not "Do Benny". D'oh !
Quote from: Superhorn on September 28, 2010, 07:57:41 AM
That should read "So Benny,"not "Do Benny". D'oh !
You can modify your posts here at GMG.
Quote from: Superhorn on September 28, 2010, 07:57:41 AM
That should read "So Benny,"not "Do Benny". D'oh !
You also misspelled urn as earn, which gives away the joke and spoils the "groan" reaction.
WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS...
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too.."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton "
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota:"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals...
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice .
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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Converting units:
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo
Pi
2.. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking
the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per
hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight
line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
Some of these are cute. I like the bananosecond.
Didn't check them all, but shouldn't 4 nickels = 1 paradigms?
Quote from: DavidRoss on September 30, 2010, 12:03:40 PM
Didn't check them all, but shouldn't 4 nickels = 1 paradigms?
By George, you're right!
I'd also change the microfiche one to 1 millionth of a trout. Putting fish in the straight line kind of gives it away.
Beatles Parody (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1vvJVRlhRE)
Quote from: George on September 30, 2010, 06:55:02 PM
Beatles Parody (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1vvJVRlhRE)
Great fun!
What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's last movement.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat miner.
Where does virgin wool come from ? Ugly sheep.
What's the most popular ice cream flavor in Baghdad?
Iraqi road.
Sign on the wall in a dentist's office: Nothing dentured,nothing gained.
Where do the best backscratchers come from.
Australia,because they really get down under.
What's the difference between German quisine and Chinese food?
An hour after you eat German food,you're hungry for power.
How many Republican politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
They only screw poor people.
Quote from: Superhorn on October 01, 2010, 07:21:17 AM
What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's last movement.
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat miner.
I liked the second joke but the first one is pathetique......
:'(
Quote from: Benji on October 01, 2010, 08:14:06 AM
I liked the second joke but the first one is pathetique......
:'(
;D
Quote from: Satzaroo on September 29, 2010, 02:18:38 PM
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too.."
That's actually clever!
Quote from: Superhorn on October 01, 2010, 07:21:17 AM
What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's last movement.
What's brown and sits in a bell tower?
The Lunchbag of Notre Dame
It was my flatmate's birthday on Saturday and I was contemplating baking. Later on I went looking on Amazon for a recording of the Glagolitic Mass and typed Janacake into the search box.
That was saturday and i've been giggling about it since. ???
What do you call a heavily cut performance of an opera by the 19th century French composer Ambroise Thomas?
Answer: Filet Mignon.
Why do worms like to go to New York City? That's because they
like to get into the big apple.
A school teacher came to traffic court for speeding, and the judge told her to go over to the chalkboard and write "I will not speed" 2,000 times.
Did you hear about the English teacher who got slapped by a woman because he ended a sentence with a proposition ?
Why is the Republican party called the GOP?
That's because all it offers is a lot of political gop.
What's the difference between God and a conductor ?
God doesn't think he's a conductor.
Forget the flag . Burn a politician !
I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.
Why did the scientist have the doorbel removed from his house?
He wanted to win the no bell prize.
Bach and Beethoven both joined a health club.
Bach did the sixths, and Beethoven the Fifths...
Chopin bore a hidden grudge to both of them for the rest of his life...
Ask me why?
"WHY?"
Well, its called Fogo de Chão
Both had spend too much time there...
Quote from: Superhorn on October 04, 2010, 02:17:28 PM
What's the difference between God and a conductor ?
God doesn't think he's a conductor.
Version I heard was this: Bernstein, Solti and Karajan are sitting at dinner. (So you can tell how long ago this was.) Bernstein says, "The London Times just said I am the greatest living conductor."
And Solti says, "Is that so? Well, I was sitting at home lat night, and God appeared and told me I am the greatest living conductor."
And Karajan says, "Ja? I don't remember saying that."
Has GMG management offered you a deal where you get paid by the word?
Quote from: Bulldog on October 05, 2010, 03:03:42 PM
Has GMG management offered you a deal where you get paid by the word?
Seriously, dude.
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared.
Quote from: Bulldog on October 05, 2010, 03:03:42 PM
Has GMG management offered you a deal where you get paid by the word?
Hey, I'm more vic than perp this time. Succint enough, bro?
Quote from: Satzaroo on October 05, 2010, 05:42:02 PM
Hey, I'm more vic than perp this time. Succint enough, bro?
That was 11 words, two commas, a period and a question mark. I think you can improve on it.
The gigantic amount of white space in Satzaroo's unfunny jokes post is irritating. You use line breaks to separate paragraphs, not to separate sentences. This post uses multiple line breaks per sentence. We all have the habit of using unnecessary breaks in posts that are 3-5 sentences long, but when you post something that is a page long you should consider proper formatting. :)
Fie on Satzaroo for a sluggard! ; )
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes."
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Quote from: Satzaroo on October 06, 2010, 01:44:14 PM
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes."
Now this is funny! I think I'm going to steal it.
*A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function whereNancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Adams took the opportunity to schmoozethe good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most atease.* *'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mentaldeficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'* *'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyoneshould answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on thetrack.'* *'What sort of question?' asked Adams.* *Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world anddied during one of them. Which one?''* *Adams thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn'thappen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know muchabout history.'*
Quote from: Satzaroo on October 07, 2010, 05:32:57 PM
*A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function whereNancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Adams took the opportunity to schmoozethe good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most atease.* *'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mentaldeficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'* *'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyoneshould answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on thetrack.'* *'What sort of question?' asked Adams.* *Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world anddied during one of them. Which one?''* *Adams thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn'thappen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know muchabout history.'*
That was... interesting...
Quote from: Greg on October 07, 2010, 05:39:14 PM
That was... interesting...
It looks like two versions of the joke got mixed up, one using Nancy Pelosi, and one using some Ms. Adams as the butt of the joke. I found an all-Pelosi version here: http://pilotsfor911truth.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=18274&mode=threaded&pid=10778529
Of course, it'd make even more sense if Ms. "I'm not a witch"'s name were substituted for Pelosi's.
schlomo522@hotmail.com
From: stan satz (schlomo522@hotmail.com)
Sent: Thu 10/15/09 4:47 PM
To: schlomo522@hotmail.com
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience.
There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter, snowing and quite cold. And the guy had taken
her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and
had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful
until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to
realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an
hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point
where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road,
or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants
down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest
against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about
was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the
situation.
Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she
bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were
firmly stuck to the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she
attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent
that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she
answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply
that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and
then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She
too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a
real problem.
Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the
grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place,
both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his
pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands
down.
Or perhaps that should be 'pants down.' And you thought your first date was
embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment: 'This gives a whole new meaning to being **** off.'
Oh and how did the first date turn out?
He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Quote from: DavidW on October 06, 2010, 04:52:31 AM
The gigantic amount of white space in Satzaroo's unfunny jokes post is irritating. You use line breaks to separate paragraphs, not to separate sentences. This post uses multiple line breaks per sentence. We all have the habit of using unnecessary breaks in posts that are 3-5 sentences long, but when you post something that is a page long you should consider proper formatting. :)
I explained the foul up and apologized for it. And the fact that you cannot delete your own post doesn't help. Maybe your avatar should be a jackal.
Quote from: Satzaroo on October 09, 2010, 03:33:35 AM
And the fact that you cannot delete your own post doesn't help.
We can remove or modify our own posts. There's a button at the top right of each post that allows you to do this.
The best Tutorial I have ever seen... :D :) :) :)
A Simple Portrait Tutorial
http://www.youtube.com/v/DWg3TgDKmhM&feature=related
Swine flu
* Sowmenella
* Baconic Plague
* Pigpox
* Epigdemic
* Hamthrax
* Porkinson's
* Hamdemic
* SnOutbreak
* Hamaggeddon
* Tuporkulosis
* Mad Sow Disease
* Smallporks
* Porky's Revenge
* The Aporkalypse
* Alswiner's
* Spamdemic 2009
* Boar-ed To Death
* PigSlamic Jihad
* PigMentation
* DePigMentation
BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN...
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as yourOB / GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
_____________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
_____________________________ _______________________ _
The Layette :
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
__________________________________________ ____________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
____________________ __________________________________
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from th e baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby : Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby : You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
______________________________________________________
Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his allowance.
What's 2 + 2?
Well.. its not Four you to decide!
Why are polticians like diapers ? They both need to be changed frequently,and for the same reason.
A crocodile goes to his doctor and complains "Doc,I don't seem to have any get up and go any more. I just don't have the stamina to lie there for hours in the water waiting for prey. What's the matter with me?"
The doctor examines the croc, and then tells him "It appears you have a reptile dyfunction."
Diplomacy is the patriotic act of lying for your country-Ambrose Bierce.
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards,and if you disgrace yourself,you can always write a book-Ronald Reagan.
The right to be heard does not necessarily include the right to be taken seriously. Hubert H. Humphrey.
I don't intend for this to to take on a political tone.I'm just there for the drugs. Nancy Reagan on the "Just Say No" anti-drug campaign.
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are great pictures in them. Goerge W. Bush.
Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically,by definition be disqualified from ever doing so.
Gore Vidal.
Osama Bin Laden was worried about his future and wondered when he was going to die. So he consulted a Muslim soothsayer and and asked about this. The soothsayer gazed into a crystal ball and said
"You will die on an American holiday". Bin Laden asked excitedly "What American holiday?" The soothsayer replies "It doesn't matter.Any day you die will be an American holiday".
Two goats were graing around an old abandones Hollywood studio.
One of them sees an old film reel and eats it. The other asks about it. The reply? "To tell you the truth,the book was better".
I promise you that I was driving yesterday in China Town and I saw a peculiar thing:
'New Tu Do Restaurant'...
LOL
Here it is:
(http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3588/3464201319_9dbf951b6e_o.jpg)
Great One Liners:
Love is a matter of chemistry.Sex is a matter of physics.
Laughing stock:Cattle with a sense of humor.
I went to my doctor because I had a piece of cereal stuck in my ear.
He told me I wasn't eating right.
I like long walks,especially when they are taken by other people.
There are three kinds of people;those who can count and those who can't.
Don't use a big world when a diminutive one will suffice.
I can see clearly now...the brain is gone.
Dain bramaged.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I don't have a soltuion,but I admire the problem.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns,do the others have to drown too?
It's not hard to meet expenses.They're everywhere.
Demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Department of redundancy department.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Energizer bunny arrested.Charged with battery.
If you can't be kind,at least have the decency to be vague.
I don't suffer from stress.I'm a carrier.
Headline:" Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat.
Incontinence hotline... can you hold please?
Quote from: Superhorn on October 16, 2010, 08:04:39 AM
Great One Liners:
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
Incontinence hotline ... can you hold please?
These in particular, very nice!
Moe Howard teaches Mike Douglas how to throw pies at a face:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_METTgPnSWY
Still laughing. What an honor it would have been to have him throw one at you. :)
Well, but the pie-throwing classic really is:
http://www.youtube.com/v/vSgRkBWNlBo
(http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/funny-pictures-cat-was-assembled-without-instructions.jpg)
What ya lookin'at?
(http://theideagirlsays.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/linda-randall-squidoo-2-harry-potter-funny-jokes-baby-with-big-harry-potter-glasses-on-funny.jpg?w=326&h=400)
One day in heaven,God was feeling very tired and stressed from all his hard work,so he went to Saint Peter to ask him about
recommendations for where to take a vacation.
Saint Peter said,"How about the planet Mercury? "" No,it's too hot over there". "How about Saturn"."No,it's too cold there".
" How about Jupiter?" Nope, the gravity is too strong and it hurt my back".
"I know, how about the planet earth? The climate's great, and there are lots of fun things to do".
God replied, "Earth? Are you kidding? 2,000 years ago I had an affair with a nice Jewish girl there,and they're still talking about it !"
;D ;D ;D ;D
For the open minded, Gilbert Godfried has the best Jesus joke I ever heard. Unfortunately, I can't repeat it here. I heard it on youtube.
Quote from: George on October 26, 2010, 08:13:52 AM
For the open minded, Gilbert Godfried has the best Jesus joke I ever heard. Unfortunately, I can't repeat it here. I heard it on youtube.
Don't worry. Even the close minded will laugh. (...and post an angry reply after they've stopped laughing)
Quote from: George on October 26, 2010, 08:13:52 AM
For the open minded, Gilbert Godfried has the best Jesus joke I ever heard. Unfortunately, I can't repeat it here. I heard it on youtube.
A link, at least?
Quote from: Scarpia on October 26, 2010, 08:28:44 AM
A link, at least?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22GI3xz3ryg
Jim Gaffigan.
(http://www.marketingshift.com/resources/jim-gaffigan.jpg)
My wife and I love this comedian. Here is his 'Just for Laughs' skit, which includes his bacon jokes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qle-vjHoQa4&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qle-vjHoQa4&feature=related)
Love the bacon jokes... and hot pockets ;D I think his best is the explanation for the christmas tree... :D
Quote from: DavidW on October 26, 2010, 10:35:00 AM
Love the bacon jokes... and hot pockets ;D I think his best is the explanation for the christmas tree... :D
Oh David, I enjoyed the hot pockets! :D
He's the kind of comedian you could take home to visit your gran. ;)
*MORNING COFFEE IN ROME*
*Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St.Peters Square .
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
SLIM
TALL
38D BREAST
24" WAIST and
34" HIPS
*
*When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God." *
Here are some Halloween jokes:
What do you call a witch who leaves at the beach? A sand witch.
What do you get when you cross Dracula with a pig?
A hampire !
Why do witches fly on broomsticks? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy !
Where do most werewolves live? Howlywood,California !
Why did the witch go on a diet? She wanted to keep her
ghoulish figure!
Why are demons and ghouls always hanging around together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend !
Why did the vampire go to an orthodontist? To improve his bite !
What's Dracula's favorite place to visit in New York?
The Vampire State Building !
What do you get when you take the insides out of a hot dog?
A hollow weenie !
What's the favorite dog breed of vampires? The bloodhound !
Why do vampires use mouthwash? They have bat breath !
What do ghosts put in their cereal at breakfast every morning?
Boo-berries !
What do vampires,werewolves, and ghosts drink on Halloween when they get thirsty? Ghoul-aid !
You may groan away freely.
:D :D :D :D
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.
"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
What lives at the zoo and plays the piano?
A Chopinzee !
What hideous flesh-eating monster is also a distinguished pianist?
Alfred Grendel !
Where do the best backscratchers come from?
Australia. They really get down under !
Why don't they allow chefs into houses of ill repute?
That's because too many cooks spoil the brothel !
What do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen?
Linoleum blown apart.
If you jump into a river in Paris,you're in Seine.
If you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
A chicken crossing a road- poulty in motion.
Why did the scientist have his doorbell removed?
He wanted to win the no bell prize !
Groan.........
Paddy: what have you got in that bag Murphy?
Murphy: chickens
Paddy: how many chickens have you got in the bag?
Murphy: i tell you what, if you guess how many i've got, and you're right, i'll give them both to you.
Paddy: err... five?
Two gorgeous blonde biologists were in the field one fine summer day. While following a game trail, they came across a pair of tracks. "Look! a pair of tracks" The first blonde said while pointing to the ground.
"Those are deer tracks," the other blonde replied.
"Oh no,"she said to the first, "Those are definitely moose tracks."
With this, they began to argue. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.
;D
Blonde Inventions:
1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag
A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and, with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said, and he left the agent's office.
Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope were a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck. Who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood & you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower
show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said,
'Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more.
For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!'
'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and completely naked,
streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,followed by loud
applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering,
clapping crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won $1000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement....!!!'
-- If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius..
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(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC . ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."
--Al Gore, Vice President
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"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals...
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice .
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
ANGER MANAGEMENT
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying,
'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Rich. May I please speak with Robin Carter? '
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.* I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, 'You're an ...hole!' and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '...hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,* 'You're an ...hole!'* It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '...hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said;
'Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an ...hole!'
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.* A couple of days later, right after calling the first ...hole, (I had his number on speed dial) , I thought I had better call the BMW ...hole, too.* I said
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
'Yes, it is.'
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
'Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front.'
'What's your name?' I asked.
'My name is Don Burgemeyer,' he said.
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
'I'm home every evening after five.'
'Listen,Don, can I tell you something?'
'Yes?'
'Don, you're an ...hole.'
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two ...holes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called ...hole #1.
'Hello.'
'You're an ...hole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
'Are you still there?' he asked.
'Yeah,' I said.
'Stop calling me,' he screamed.
'Make me,' I yelled.
'Who are you?' he asked.
'My name is Don Burgemeyer.'
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
'...hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, ...hole.'
Then I called ...hole #2.
'Hello?' he said.
'Hello, ...hole,' I said.
He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are!'
'You'll what?' I said.
'I'll kick your ...,' he exclaimed.
I answered, 'Well, ...hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two ...holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew. NOW, I feel better. Anger management really works!!!!!
The orchestra was playing a Feldman piece, when the audience started yelling, "Mor-ton, Mor-ton." The conductor then realized that his orchestra wasn't playing up to snuff, and the crowd was actually yelling, "More tone,... more tone!!"
Yes,...ALL by myself! ;) ;D
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be back home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Oh ho ho that was a good un! :D :D :D
Very amusing. :D
8)
----------------
Now playing:
Pierre Hantai - Scarlatti K 535 Sonata in D for Clavier - Allegro
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes."
------------------------------------------------------
(http://i.imgur.com/fSAVX.gif)
Ran across this one:
You Don 't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!
We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat . The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid b**ch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her azz with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat azz downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car
Quote from: Schlomo on December 03, 2010, 05:22:54 PM
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty, I must have diabetes."
Actually, you must have amnesia (http://www.good-music-guide.com/community/index.php/topic,577.msg454215.html#msg454215). ;D
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
And them's the facts of life, my friends. :)
8)
Christmas Carols For The Disturbed.
Schizophrenics: Do you hear what I hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder: We three kings disoriented are.
Dementia: I think I'll be home for Christmas.
Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels sing about me.
Paranoid: Santa Claus is coming to town to get me.
Manic: Deck the halls and walls and lawn and streets and
stores and office and town and cars and buses and trucks
and trees and.....
Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of roasting on an
open fire.
Personality Disorder: You better watch out ,I'm gonna cry,
I'm gonna pout, maybe I'll tell you why.
Attention Deficit Disorder: Silent night-oooh look at
the kitty- can I have a chocolate-why is France so far away?
Obsessive compulsive disorder: Jingle bells,jingle bells.
jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells, jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells, jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,
jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells,jingle bells.......
;D ;D ;D ;D
Quote from: James on January 02, 2011, 07:07:04 PM
http://www.youtube.com/v/VABSoHYQr6k
Wow, have you seen the video of the pope watching these topless acrobats? Cree-pee!!!
Quote from: snyprrr on January 02, 2011, 07:17:05 PM
Wow, have you seen the video of the pope watching these topless acrobats? Cree-pee!!!
You seem to take pride in the fact that no one knows what you're talking about three quarters of the time.
A pessimist thinks the glass is half empty. An optimist thinks it's half full.
A Republican thinks the glass is twice a big as it should be.
A pessimist thinks that all women are bad. An optimist hopes they are !
A penny saved is a government oversight !
Never moon a werewolf.
The only mental exercise most people gt is jumping to conclusions.
Always borrow money from pessimists,because they don't expect the money back.
Have you heard about Jewish football? The object of the game is to get the quarter back. (I can tell Jewish jokes because I'm Jewish).
Did you hear about the Jewish porno movie? It's called "Debbie Does Bupkis ".
It's a typical Jewish porno movie. Five minutes of sex and 85 minutes of guilt.
Did you hear about the spider's New Year's resolution?
He wanted to spend more time with his family and less time on the web.
;D ;D ;D ;D
Against a strong wind, a schlemiel threw his wife's ashes into the sea: ash backwards once more.
Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security:
>
>
> Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
> Transvestites 133
> Hernias 1,485
> Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
> Enlarged Prostates 8,249
> Breast Implants 59,350
> Natural Blondes 3
>
>
http://www.youtube.com/v/uH8owcMHc34&feature=channel
Some puns--so punish me!
A movie buff might write Cinecerely yours.
Wounding insults could be called insalts.
A list of swear words might be cursory.
Some people are too finicky about the language in Huckleberry Finn.
Semi-automatics can be weapons of mass(acre) destruction.
A guy wearing gloves studded with razor-sharp needles spiked my attention.
Where did the superlative pianist first cut his ivories?
After my friend chided me for confusing capital with capitol, I said, "I capitulate."
What western is playing at the moovies?
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a beautiful young girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! So, why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
8)
----------------
Now playing:
Academy of Ancient Music / Schröder Hogwood - K 320alt Symphony in D 2nd mvmt - Andantino
LOL!! :D :D
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
8)
----------------
Now playing:
Florilegium - Bach CPE Wq 132 Sonata in a for Solo Flute 3rd mvmt - Allegro
ROTFL :D :D :D :D :D :D
Demotivational posters:
(http://www.marcofolio.net/images/stories/fun/imagedump/demotivational_posters/exercise.jpg)
(http://www.marcofolio.net/images/stories/fun/imagedump/demotivational_posters/chances.jpg)
http://www.youtube.com/v/IueXtzdC6kA
"How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?"
"A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question."
;D
A paedophile is walking with a small boy deep into a forest. The boy whimpers, "I'm scared."
"You're scared?" says the paedo, "I'm the one that's got to walk out of here on my own."
Quote from: MDL on March 08, 2011, 04:09:14 AM
A paedophile is walking with a small boy deep into a forest. The boy whimpers, "I'm scared."
"You're scared?" says the paedo, "I'm the one that's got to walk out of here on my own."
You saw Blue Valentine too, huh? :)
Quote from: George on March 08, 2011, 04:35:20 AM
You saw Blue Valentine too, huh? :)
Not yet; somebody who has seen it quoted this to brighten up a dull day at the office. ;D
Quote from: MDL on March 08, 2011, 04:44:15 AM
Not yet; somebody who has seen it quoted this to brighten up a dull day at the office. ;D
It's a great movie, one that will darken any bright day. 0:)
Rodney Dangerfield, king of the one-liner:
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"
Ah, the limitations of a spell checker: From MSNBC on-line today: "Jerusalem bomb kills one, inures dozens." REALLY!!!!!
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of the fly.
Lady who goes camping with some men must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.
Man who impulsively leaps off cliff, jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
Man who drives like hell is hellbound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is probably high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's fishing hole often catch crabs.
A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!
Thanks for those, Schlomo! ;D
Here are some more one liners :
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong !
We never really grow up - we just learn how to act in public.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common -they both need to be changed frequently,
and for the same reason.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity !
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian .
God must love stupid people ,because he made so many of them.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas !
Stealing from one person is plagiarism , but if you steal from a lot of people,
it's research.
I saw a woman with a sweatshirt saying "Guess It !", so I asked her,
"Implants?"
If you think that nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments .
A conservative is a politician who wants to preserve what the liberals fought for
a generation ago.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather,not yelling and screaming
like the passengers in the car he was driving.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Light travels faster than sound, that's why most people appear to be brilliant before
you hear them.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He never had to hear her complain about all the different
men she could have married instead of him, and she never had to hear him complain about how
much better his mother's cooking was than hers.
There's a light at the end of every tunnel -just hope it's not a train .
Lawyer - larval state of a politician.
We live in a society where pizza gets delivered to your house faster than the
police take to get there.
You were born an original - don't die a copy.
Who said that men can't multitask ? They read on the toilet.
;D ;D ;D ;D
One for UK GMGers only.
Janet Street Porter walks into a bar and asks, "Can I get a large aperitif?"
The barman looks at her and says, "I seriously doubt it, love."
Once Osama Bin Laden found himself on the other side after his well-seserved demise , he saw an angry mob of
men dressed in 18th century clothes headed by George Washington and Thomas Jefferson .
They were brandishing knives,guns,sharp sticks, and nooses etc, all manner of paraphermnilia to torture some one .
They came up to him and started to beat, stab, shoot, hang ,waterboard and pummel him over every inch of his
body for hours on end, and Bin Laden screamed in agony .
He asked "What's goimng on here ? I thought I was supposed to be in heaven enjoying eternal pleasure .
And where are my 72 virgins ?"
Jefferson replied "We're 72 Virginians !"
;D :D 8) :P
Joke by Zack Galifinakis (slightly edited to be more PC)
"I love to use a lot of Axe Body Spray, but I live in an urban neighborhood so they call it Ask Body Spray."
;D
If it's PC, then it can't be a joke. ;) (Although some might argue that being PC is itself a joke.)
Askually, George's translation carries the jest nicely!
Quote from: Apollon on May 04, 2011, 06:41:24 AM
Askually, George's translation carries the jest nicely!
I googled for the original version, and it gives the reason why I probably don't get it. ;)
It's certainly a bit colloquial, Nav.
If Mississippi gave Missouri a New Jersey ,what would Della wear ? Idaho,Alaska.
What's the funniest animal in the world ? A stand up chameleon.
A successful land developer has to have plot luck.
Where does a Marxist get buried ? In a communist plot.
She was only a trainman's daighter -loco with no motive.
She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but he loved her still.
It's easy to milk a cow. Any jerk can do it.
Did you hear about the dermatologist ? He started his practice from scratch .
Michael Jackson's face - a pigment of his imagination.
No matter how bad the prose is, it might be verse.
Teenagers - surly to bed and surly to rise..
Adam's rib -the original bone of contention.
Rabbi addressing his congregation : Ladies and gentlemen of the Jewry.
Give a woman an inch,and she thinks she's a ruler.
Chronicle of sexual activity : Tri-weekly, try weekly, try weakly .
After he swalowed a spoon, he couldn't stir.
Did you hear about the sword swallower who goofed? Now he has a semi-colon.
Bon-Vivant : A man who would rather be a good liver than have one.
The only mental exercise most people get is jumping to conclusions.
Never moon a werewolf .
What do you get when you cross a galaxy with a toad ? Star warts.
;D ;D ;D ;D
Nice ones, superhorn. I especially liked the one on the bon vivant.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
'Feels great,' he replied; 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'
8)
----------------
Now playing:
London SO \ Jochum 1979 - Op 125 Symphony #9 in d 3rd mvmt - Adagio molto e cantabile - Andante moderato
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blond opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch..'
8)
----------------
Now playing:
London SO \ Jochum 1979 - Op 125 Symphony #9 in d 3rd mvmt - Adagio molto e cantabile - Andante moderato
:D ;D :D (to both)
Quote from: Florestan on May 16, 2011, 01:08:18 AM
:D ;D :D (to both)
Thanks, hope you like these too...
Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5:00.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping
through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a b**ch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic... I mean, a red-headed kid with two
friends?
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google
Dear 2011,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle
Dear White People,
Don't you just hate immigrants?
Sincerely,
Native Americans
Dear iPhone,
Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut.
Sincerely,
Every iPhone User
Dear Giant Spider on the Wall,
Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go?
Sincerely,
Terrified
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed
Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder
Dear Scissors,
I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either.
Sincerely,
Sarah Palin
Dear Batman,
What was your power again?
Sincerely,
Superman
Dear Customers,
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Sincerely,
Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Global Warming,
You're the best imaginary friend ever!
Sincerely,
Al Gore
Dear Ugly People,
You're welcome.
Sincerely,
Alcohol
Dear World,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some
Spanish douchebags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok?
Sincerely,
The Mayans
Dear Snooki,
GET BACK TO WORK!
Sincerely,
Willy Wonka
Dear Trash,
At least you get picked up...
Sincerely,
The Girls of Jersey Shore
Dear Man,
It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Sincerely,
Elephant
Dear Dr. Phil,
Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first.
Sincerely,
Dr. Pepper
8)
The thread title "J.S. Bach's Organ Works!" is telling me something I really didn't need to know.
Consider the following case:
On Twin Earth, a brain in a vat is at the wheel of a runaway trolley. There are only two options that the brain can take: the right side of the fork in the track or the left side of the fork. There is no way in sight of derailing or stopping the trolley and the brain is aware of this, for the brain knows trolleys. The brain is causally hooked up to the trolley such that the brain can determine the course which the trolley will take.
On the right side of the track there is a single railroad worker, Jones, who will definitely be killed if the brain steers the trolley to the right. If the railman on the right lives, he will go on to kill five men for the sake of killing them, but in doing so will inadvertently save the lives of thirty orphans (one of the five men he will kill is planning to destroy a bridge that the orphans' bus will be crossing later that night). One of the orphans that will be killed would have grown up to become a tyrant who would make good utilitarian men do bad things. Another of the orphans would grow up to become G.E.M. Anscombe, while a third would invent the pop-top can.
If the brain in the vat chooses the left side of the track, the trolley will definitely hit and kill a railman on the left side of the track, "Leftie" and will hit and destroy ten beating hearts on the track that could (and would) have been transplanted into ten patients in the local hospital that will die without donor hearts. These are the only hearts available, and the brain is aware of this, for the brain knows hearts. If the railman on the left side of the track lives, he too will kill five men, in fact the same five that the railman on the right would kill. However, "Leftie" will kill the five as an unintended consequence of saving ten men: he will inadvertently kill the five men rushing the ten hearts to the local hospital for transplantation. A further result of "Leftie's" act would be that the busload of orphans will be spared. Among the five men killed by "Leftie" are both the man responsible for putting the brain at the controls of the trolley, and the author of this example. If the ten hearts and "Leftie" are killed by the trolley, the ten prospective heart-transplant patients will die and their kidneys will be used to save the lives of twenty kidney-transplant patients, one of whom will grow up to cure cancer, and one of whom will grow up to be Hitler. There are other kidneys and dialysis machines available, however the brain does not know kidneys, and this is not a factor.
Assume that the brain's choice, whatever it turns out to be, will serve as an example to other brains-in-vats and so the effects of his decision will be amplified. Also assume that if the brain chooses the right side of the fork, an unjust war free of war crimes will ensue, while if the brain chooses the left fork, a just war fraught with war crimes will result. Furthermore, there is an intermittently active Cartesian demon deceiving the brain in such a manner that the brain is never sure if it is being deceived.
QUESTION: What should the brain do?
[ALTERNATIVE EXAMPLE: Same as above, except the brain has had a commisurotomy, and the left half of the brain is a consequentialist and the right side is an absolutist.]
(http://www.good-music-guide.com/community/Smileys/classic/smiley.gif)
Hey, Ernie, have you had more shots than usual? ;D
I had a flu shot last year. (http://www.good-music-guide.com/community/Smileys/classic/smiley.gif)
Quote from: drogulus on May 17, 2011, 04:12:57 AM
I had a flu shot last year. (http://www.good-music-guide.com/community/Smileys/classic/smiley.gif)
See, that is a better joke. ;D
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.
A true story,
A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig and gets a hold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.
They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks - something the decoys will float on.
Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks - a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill...
Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab (used for retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice - all to the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now...
The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms - yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked... Now finally one of the guys decides to think - something that neither had done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time the dog - still standing, became REALLY confused & of course scared...
Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice.
BOOM! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy...He had yet to make his first car payment.
Quote from: Gurnatron5500 on May 15, 2011, 08:12:08 AM
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blond opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'
Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch..'
8)
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Now playing:
London SO \ Jochum 1979 - Op 125 Symphony #9 in d 3rd mvmt - Adagio molto e cantabile - Andante moderato
I've heard this one twice in church... have memorized it for years...
Quote from: Greg on May 17, 2011, 05:16:33 PM
I've heard this one twice in church... have memorized it for years...
Yeah? Well you never told it to ME! >:( :D
8)
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Now playing:
Leningrad PO / Mravinsky David Oistrakh - Shostakovich Op 077 Concerto #1 in a for Violin 1st mvmt - Nocturne
Not sure if anyone has posted this before, and when have I ever cared anyway? :P
http://anti-joke.com/
Quote from: Mn Dave on May 24, 2011, 11:51:18 AM
Not sure if anyone has posted this before, and when have I ever cared anyway? :P
http://anti-joke.com/
Well. That was funny.
8)
"What would George Washington do if he were alive today?
Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin."
:D
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home..
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
Ha.
I expected the joke that ends, "Hold my cock and pullet while I tickle my ass."
I would expect that. ;D
Quote from: Mn Dave on May 25, 2011, 04:57:26 PM
Ha.
I expected the joke that ends, "Hold my cock and pullet while I tickle my ass."
I would expect that. ;D
That would make for a good variation with a mule! :D
Quote from: haydnfan on May 25, 2011, 04:55:16 PM
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home..
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
Heard it before, it doesn't lose a thing with the retelling. :D
8)
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Now playing:
Chamber Orchestra of the Conservatory of Mantua \ Pedretti - Gatti L7e: 4 Concerto in F for Bassoon 2nd mvmt - Romance: Adagio sostenuto
Here it be:
http://www.jokes-news.com/search/roosters
Yeah that's a good un Dave! :D
What was Bach's favorite food ?
Brandenburgers, of course !
;D ;) :
8) 8)
I missed my nap the other day. I slept right through it.
Art Theater : A place where the theater is clean, and the pictures are flthy.
World's shortest will : "Being of sound mind, I spent all my money".
Here's a way to cause confusion. Walk into an antique store and ask "What's new?"
Squirrel's nest: A nutcracker suite.
What good is happiness ? It can't buy money .
What do you give tot he man who has everything ? Antibiotics.
Headline : Father of 14 shot - mistaken for a rabbit.
Alimony : Bounty on the mutiny.
I've got an allergy. I'm allergic to work.
Hangover : The wrath of grapes.
Marriage starts with billing and ccoing, but only the billing lasts.
The biggest difference between men and boys is the cost of their toys.
Baby Sitter : A teenager acting like an adult while the parents are out acting like
teenagers.
Adolescence: The time between puberty and adultery.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
A good ole boy from West Virginia won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,
"What'cha you gonna do with that there boat? You know there ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of this here place."
He says, "I won it fair and I'm a gonna keep it."
His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks her where his brother is.
She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.
The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat down in the middle of a big field with a fishing rod in his hand. He yells out to him, "What'cha doin'?"
His brother replies, "What the hell does it look like I'm a doin'? I'm fishin'".
His brother yells back, "It's people like y'all that give people from West Virginia a bad name. All y'all make folks from everywhere else think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come on out there and whip your ass!"
8)
Hank, the guy who knows everyone
Hank was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Hank how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Hank and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Hank! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Hank's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Hank that he thinks Hank's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Hank says. ''President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Hank says, "I know him. His boss retorts if you can prove that you know him I'll fly out to Washington to see him."
And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Hank on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Hank, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Hank, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Hank. "I've known the Pope a long time."
Again the unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Hank and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Hank says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Hank emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Hank returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's
side, Hank asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Hank?'
One morning the Pope awoke, feeling kinda horny. So, he decides to take matters into his own hands. Just as he is finishing, a reporter busts into the room and takes his photo. The Pope, realizing he'll be ruined, runs after the reporter and begs him to give him the camera. The reporter says, "OK, I'll sell it to you for a million dollars." The pope quickly pays the reporter, puts the camera over his neck and rushes off to breakfast with the Bishops. One of them asks the Pope, "that's a nice camera, I have been considering one like it. Can you tell me how much it cost?" The Pope replies, "a million dollars." The bishop laughs loudly, exclaiming, "boy, they must have seen you coming!!"
Haha that's terrible! :D :D ;D ;D Loved it.
Quote from: DavidW on June 23, 2011, 03:37:08 PM
Haha that's terrible! :D :D ;D ;D Loved it.
Nah... rather lame... sorry, George. ;D
(No, I'm not Roman Catholic)
Quote from: Florestan on June 28, 2011, 11:43:50 AM
Nah... rather lame... sorry, George. ;D
(No, I'm not Roman Catholic)
No need to apologize. I find jokes even funnier when others don't like them.
Quote from: George on June 28, 2011, 01:09:48 PM
No need to apologize. I find jokes even funnier when others don't like them.
I know this feeling. :D
where do you need to shoot a frenchman to be certain to hurt him properly ?
.... about a couple of inches above his head
.... to hurt his sense of superiority...
ouh la la... >:D
Quote from: DavidW on June 23, 2011, 03:00:39 PM
..., 'Who's that on the balcony with Hank?'
;D Wocka Wocka! ;D
I do believe they told an earlier version of that joke at Valley Forge!
Quote from: Papy Oli on June 28, 2011, 01:34:15 PM
.... to hurt his sense of superiority.
ouh la la... >:D
What would we do without the French to kick around?
Go back to Kentucky jokes!
What do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen ?
Linoleum blownapart .
If you jump off a bridge in Paris ,you're in Seine.
Quote from: Superhorn on June 28, 2011, 02:22:51 PM
What do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen ?
Linoleum blownapart .
If you jump off a bridge in Paris ,you're in Seine.
Classics! Always fun revisiting old friends!
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The
IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph.. "How about a
demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the
attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and
pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
LOL, David! ;D
What lives at the zoo and plays the piano ?
A Chopinzee ! LOL LOL LOL
PETER PIPER , PEPPER/ PICKLER PROCESSOR PERISHES IN PRISON
By Penelope Pritchard - Parsons ,Petaluma , Pa ( Petaluma Press )
Peter Piper , picker and professional picker of peppers , has passed away peacefully in prison .
Prior to a period in the penitentiary , Piper processed partners in a pickling plant .
Poor pay practices , but public pressure on Piper , who portrayed the paltry pecks of peppers
picked by produce personnel as "pathetic for profits "
A plethora of persistent public prosecutors piled petty , pointless plaints on Peter .
Police say Piper presented payment to prosecutors for preferential protection .
"Petulant perpetrator " profiteers pressed potently .
Perspicacious pals passionately protested Piper's prosecution .
Pointless was the polyphony of pleas , as precipitous pillories proved piercingly poisonous .
Prevaricating , pathos - piqued Peter pleaded for pity .
Prudence prohibited prosecutorial progressiveness , provoking punctilious punishment .
Prison propagated putrefaction in Piper's political posture ,
profoundly preying on Peter's perception of plunderous plutocracies .
Poise prevailed , putting plaintive Peter at peace with persnickety prosecutors .
Also , COW . 23 Gravity takes life of 1,025 pound mother of 17 .
Bovine achieved world record high jump, lacked plan for return trip .
Hastings, Nebraska . (AP) A local cow made history by jumping over the moon last night ,
only to come crashing down at 32 feet per second .
The town of Hastings will honor the accomplishment with a barbecue on Saturday .
WTF HAPPENED TO ROY G. BIV ?
Untimely death causes abbreviated vacation. . WPB Fla (MSNBC ) Soho resident and Ranbow Coalition member
Roy G. Biv was on vaca in FLA from his job with UNICEF . Biv had been getting some R&R visiting EPCOT ,NASA
and had a VIP pass to the big race courtesy of NASCAR .
Biv was SCUBA diving . Although PADI certified , he seems to have panicked after an equipment SNAFU .
Things became FUBAR PDQ and then he was SOP .
The captain screeched , hoping he'll be A-OK .
When we found him , I thought OMG ! This SOB has made his MILF a widow !
He was rushed to a local ER where an MD pronounced him DOA . RIP , Roy G. Biv .
Tombstone : Marty Mc Fly : 1968 - 1953 )
Beloved Son .
Loving Father
Own Grandfather
Local man trips over Ottoman , breaks neck .
Rob Petrie , dead at 47 .
Enraged dentist hunts down Count Chocula , 353 .
Drives wooden spoon through heart .
Flying nun violates D.C. airspace , shot down .
Capital evacuated , Mother Superior cross .
Space Shuttle Windshield Damaged By Giant Moth While Flying Over Japan .
Burning wing sand and guts shower city below ; incident angers giant fire-breathing lizard .
Tragic Murder - Suicide At Golden Gate Bridge .( San Francisco Chronicle )
Dick said "Jump ,Jane, Jump " Jane jumped .
Dick said "Jump Spot Jump ". Spot said "Bark ! Bark ! Bark !" Spot jumped .
Dick was sad . "Oh, oh, oh , . What have I done ?"
Dick jumped, too.
The policeman said , "This is not fun. No, no, no.
Mother, father , Tim and Puff will be sad ".
Emperor dies of Hypothermia despite new clothes .
See page 21 .
TWINKLING LITTLE STAR EXPLODES IN SUPERNOVA .
Scientists no longer what it is .
(see page 14 )
Man Falls Off Treadmill While Walking Dog . Falls Eight Miles To His Death
On Planet Below . George Jetson was 43 .
;D ;D ;D ;D
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver's window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver's license and registration?"
The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."
The officer, in surprise, said," What? Do you have a registration for the vehicle?"
So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I seen a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."
The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!"
The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver's license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."
The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too.
I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die only after Congress gets their heads out of
their asses."
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
8)
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Now playing:
Chamber Orchestra of Lausanne / Dorati Norman / Ahnsjö / Burrowes / Ramey / Rolfe Johnson - Hob 28 12 Opera "Armida" pt 15 - Act 1 - Duetto: Cara, sarò fedele
The only good thing about the Ottoman empire was that everybody had a place to put their feet up when tired.
I went to a general store the other day, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Have you heard about the new disease affecting Jewish American Princesses ?
It's called MAIDS. They'll just die if they don't get one !
Why is marriage like a three ring circus ?
First there's the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and then suffering !
Where do you find a drunken, down and octopus ? On squid row !
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey ?
enough drum sticks for every one !
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a peanut butter sandwich ?
A 2,000 pound sandwich that sticks to the roof of your mouth !
How do you get down off an elephant ?
You can't ! Down comes off of ducks !
Tragic Murder/Suicide At Golden Gate Bridge. Dick,Jane and Spot dead.
San Francisco. (San Francisco Chronicle)
Dick said "Jump,Jane,Jump".
Jane jumped. Dick said " Jump,Spot,jump".
Spot said "Bark ! Bark ! Bark !
Spot jumped. Dick was sad.
"Oh,oh,oh, what have I done?"
Dick jumped, too.
The policeman said,
"This is not fun. No,no,no. "
Mother,father, and Puff will be sad !
Enraged dentist hunts down Count Chocula,
aged 400. Drives wooden spoon through throat.
Local man trips over Ottoman,
breaks neck. Rob Petrie was 47.
Flying Nun violates D.C. airspace,
shot down.
Capitol evacuated , Mother Superior cross.
Space shuttle Windshield Damaged By Giant Moth While Flying Over Japan.
Burning wings,sand and guts shower Tokyo below.
Incident angers giant fire-breathing lizard .
Emperor dies of hypothermia despite new clothes.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle meat .
Perfect for soup. 89 cents a pound.
Tombstone :
Marty Mc Fly 1968 - 1953.
Beloved son, loving father, own grandfather.
Help Wanted :
Professional live-in nursing care for seven elderly dwarfs.
Room and board included. Experience with wide range of
temperments,illnesses , and disabilities preferred .
Position includes colorful uniform with high collar.
Twinkling Little Star Explodes In Supernova.
Scientists no longer wonder what is. (See page 14).
Playful male seeks vegan female.
For good times and pumpkin eating.
Enjoy "Ring around the rosie?"
I've got a pocketful of posies.
Rebounding from suffocation of wife in pumpkin shell .
Reply to Peter, Box 2348.
WTF happened to Roy G. Biv ?
Untimely death causes abbreviated vacation
WPB Fla, (MSNBC).
SOHO resident and Rainbow Coalition member Roy G. Biv was on vaca in Fla from his job
with UNICEF. Biv had been getting some R&R visiting EPCOT ,NASA, and had a VIP pass
to the big race courtesy of NASCAR .
Biv was Scuba Diving .Although PAPI certified, he seems to have panicked after
an equipment SNAFU . Things became FUBAR P.D.Q. and then he was SOP.
The captain screeched ,hoping he'd be A-Ok.
"When I found him, I thought OMG ! This SOB has made his MILF a widow !"
He was rushed to a local ER where an M.D. pronounced him DOA.
RIP, Roy G. Biv.
;D ;D ;D ;D
He was
OK, this was posted to the rec.music.early newsgroup years ago, hence the "references" tend to be Early Music inspired:
THE MAD REGALIST
Last week I was leaving my favorite restaurant, the Crumb & Horn, near the Nickel Haus at the Harnon Court. I was admiring my new, Italian-made, Gonzaga Green mountain bike (on which I chitarrone quite well). Then I heard, faintly at first, someone calling my name (it was very hard to hear, but then you can missa lot of things because of the traffic and Busnois). I turned toward the voice and spotted none other than John Eliot (the Gardener), limping through the traffic toward me like he had just gotten a HIP implant.
"Be careful!" I said as an auto swerved around him. "I Wilbye there soon."
When I got to him, JEG didn't look well. "I was almost run over. I wonder if the driver of that Carissimi? But...but....OCKEGHEM!!"
"Bless you," I said.
"Sorry," was the reply. "I've had this contrefactum for days, and am only now re-Couperin. I got it from June Fillette, I'm Certon of that. And she has such a virginal face, too. I had hoped to get her into the sack-but that's not why I wanted to talk with you."
"What's the trouble then?" I asked.
"Well," said JEG, "I've just now heard the most tremendous rackett coming from the Church, which made my blood curtal. It sounded like someone singing, accompanied by some instrument I've never heard before. It gave me the feeling that it came from another world, so when I saw you, I thought that the two of us together could Handel whatever we find there."
"Thanks a lot, I was afraid you'd say that," I sighed.
As we approached the Church, (the Holy Madonna of Lower Yonkers, or as we all knew it, the Holy M.O.L.Y.), I became aware of a most unique music coming from inside. It literally chilled me down to my organum. I recognized that voice immediately! Dropping my bike, I ran to the church doors, pushed them open, ran up the balcony to the upper Tear, and found....The Infamous Herr Dr. Weghe! I immediately knew it was him from his most un-Rooley hair and the Perotin trousers he wore, as he stroked a strange little instrument that gave a most reedy timbre. And his Parrott-like singing voice combined with it in an absolutely diabolical fashion.
"Aha, we meet again, Doctor!" I exclaimed. "What is that instrument, and why are you here playing it?"
"My dear friend, it's a regal," the Doctor replied. "And since I Emma virtuoso, I will perform on it to pay my arrears and earn great acclaim and wealth. Here, let Machaut you how it works." But as he tried to Sheppard me over to the regal, I pulled my hand away. "Tallis what you will, Doctor, but I know better," I said. "It's really Pärt of your scheme to take over the World and eventually make everybody listen to accordion Music, isn't it?"
"You are much less of a Dunstable type than I would have imagined, sir," the Doctor replied. "But I Dufay you or anyone else to stop me!"
"Rommelpot! You're mad. Maybe I can't stop you," I retorted, "But the President of our early music society is Joe Skan, whom we call Da Prez. He'll make sure that nobody will Sweelinck your story. If what you do does P.A.N. out, you could earn a lot of lute. But if it doesn't, there will be no Haydn from us, because we can always Telemann in a lot O'Dette who's running from the Savall Renaissance Music for Posterity Society!"
"I would Figueras much," came the reply....
As we left the church, John Eliot and I were frustrated to say the least. Herr Weghe had made perfect LeClair his intentions. Dessus not what we had expected. "Canti be stopped?" John wondered. We knew of the hypnotic allure of his regal, and how it would be twelve short steps to forcing accordion music on everybody. "Let's go find our friend Mark Carpenter. He'll know how to proceed," I suggested just as the music we had heard in the church started again, but this time played on an accordion, and coming from the street. Then I saw Herr Weghe, playing as if he had no Kiehr in the world.
This music was definitely French Baroque, but with a strange familiar Latin beat underneath (dum, da-da-da dum, dum...). "That's some mean tone," John commented. Eventually, I was able to Pickett out as the infamous "Lully-Bolero". It made my head hurt to hear it, but I had no Asperen with me. Even worse, the effect it had on others made my hair Kerll. I watched as everyone on the street, including the neighborhood matriarchs Mrss. Rin and Ray (known to all as "Ma" Rin and "Ma" Ray) start dancing to the music's hypnotic beat. Not wanting to have a bransle on my hands, I shouted at Weghe, but instead of stopping his accordion, I watched him Huggett to his body as he ran down the sidewalk faster than a Byrd on the wing. Leaving John Eliot behind, I began to chase Herr Weghe.
Past the Cash 'n' Caurroy, over the Hill Yard and the Guarneri Bridge, through the Harnon Court we ran. Passing the Monument for the Dead of the Vibrato Wars, he eluded me by ducking into the Arbeauretum. I was nearly Besard myself when I spied a familiar figure, cigar sticking out of his mouth, in a rumpled, un-Rooley trenchcoat while Leonin on a streetpost. It was Lieutenant Sainte-Colombo, of the Visse Squad! "Can you help?" I called out. "You got it, Macque" he said, closing in behind me.
We entered the Arbeauretum, but our Hunt quickly Graun to a halt. Suddenly, we heard growling and barking ahead. Running through a stand of Bachswood trees, we found Herr Weghe cornered, Haydn his face from a stocky dog whose face and body were incredibly wrinkled. It Baird its teeth at Weghe as if it wanted to Goebel him up. I then noticed good ol' Mark Carpenter holding back the dog, which was evidently his. Soon, John Eliot and his friend June Fillette rode up on John's Italian motor scooter (John was famous for using olive oil in its crankcase, so it was naturally called the Vespa Della Beate Extra Vergine). "I wanted to find June to help on the chase," he explained. "I didn't know where she was, so I called and luckily was able to ricercar phone."
As Lt. Sainte-Colombo put on the handcuffs, Herr Weghe tried to explain. "Curses! I never Minter hurt anyone, but you people did Muffat for me--I just wanted to make some lute, that's all."
"Bull!" I said. "You may have taken a Schein to the money, but you fagott that regaling in public viol-ates the Lawes of good taste. And what's Morley, your plan for world dominants never diminished. I saw Eustache that accordion in your trousers when I chased you. Lawrence Weelkes you're not! You should Frye for this, but we'll have to be satisfied to Locke you up for good."
Later, we all met at the tavern owned by Joe Skan for ice-cold bottles of Heinichen and Watkins Ale. ["Da Prez" had built an artificial stream running through the place that turned a moaning mill water wheel, hence the tavern's name: Mill o' Regrets].
"Hautbois the way," Lt. Sainte-Colombo asked me, "How did you Tye Herr Weghe's dastardly plan to the music?"
"It wasn't easy," I replied. "I don't want tabor you with the de tailles, but I knew things weren't Picchi keen when John Eliot told me about the music he heard. I thought he'd went Encina ghost! But the 'Lully-Bolero' gave it all away. Still, I Otter give credit to you Mark, and your remarkable dog. Where did you get her?"
"Oh, you mean Ti-Yay," said Mark with a smile. "These Chinese Shar-Pei dogs are way too expensive for me to have Bott one myself. But my Aunt Montserrat won her in a raffle and gave the dog to me..."
Thus it was that Herr Weghe and his plans to conquer the world were thwarted, not least by Mark's Aunt-Won Shar-Pei Ti-Yay...
John was famous for using olive oil in its crankcase, so it was naturally called the Vespa Della Beate Extra Vergine
That's it! I can not take it any longer!
;D
My sort of joke, and one I use rather often:
The next person to insult Mahler will recieve a hammering.
;D
(http://www.lolhome.com/img_big/funny-picture-9979525820.jpg)
Why God never received a Ph. D.
1. He had only one publication .
2. It was in Hebrew .
3. It had no references .
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal .
5. Some doubt that he wrote it himself .
6. It may be true that he created the world , but what has he done since then ?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited .
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results .
9. He never applied to the ethics board to use human subjects .
10. When one experiment went awry , he tried to cover it up by drowning his subjects .
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted , he deleted them from the sample .
12. He rarely went to class , and just told his students to read his book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class .
14. He expelled his first two students for learning .
15. Although there were only ten course requirements, most of his students failed his tests .
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top .
;D ;D ;D ;D
Hope Scots John checks this thread out from time to time, this one's for him;
Bagpiper at a Funeral
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a Funeral Director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for 20 years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....
8)
"My girlfriend makes me want to be a better man - so I can get a better girlfriend."
"When I was a kid I wanted a tree house, I used to hound my mother all the time, but she'd always say, 'no, Anthony, you've gotta live in the van."'
"I bought my girlfriend some lingerie for her birthday. She told me that she thought it was really a gift for me. I told her, well, if you want to get technical, it was actually a gift for my ex-girlfriend."
- Anthony Jeselnik
A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes.
"What happened to you?" asked the doctor.
"Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cows ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and thats when I made my mistake."
The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"
"I said Hey this looks like yours hun!"
Funny, Dave! ;D
The four stages of man : Infacy , childhood, adolescence and obsolecense.
Sing at a bank : To err is human , to forgive is not bank policy.
My doctor has a great stress test - it's called the bill !
Did you hear about the veterinarian and the taxidermist who opened up a joint business?
Their motto is - either way, you get your pet back !
Did you hear about the dog that's cross between a pit bull and a collie ?
After it mauls you, it goes fo rhelp !
How do you stop a runaway horse ? Bet on it !
I just bought an ant farm, but I'm stupmped because I don't know how to find a
tractor that small .
Why don't men trust women ? Would you trust something that bled for three days
and didn't die ?
Food is an important part of a balanced diet .
Behind every successful man stands and amazed woman .
What's the advantage of electing a woman President ?
The goverment wouldn't have to pay her as much as a man .
I don't know why they couple death and taxes. You only die once !
Why do women like silent men ? They think they're listening to them !
What kind of cigarettes do Jews smoke ? Gefiltered !
If it weren't for my faults, I'd be perfect !
The English think that incompetence is the same thing as sincerity .
The three stages of man - Youth, middle age, and "Gee you look good !"
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends !
I am nobody . Nobody is perfect . Therefore, I am perfect !
What do you give an elephant with diarrhea ? Lots of room !
What do you call a parrot wearing a rain coat ? Polly unsaturated .
Did you hear about the guy who got thrown out of a mime show whne he had a seisure?
They thought he was a heckler !
;D ;D ;D ;D
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.
He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."
I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.
"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"
~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~
Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.
How To Write Good (http://homepage.mac.com/mseffie/handouts/writegood.html)
by Frank L. Visco
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:
Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Profanity sucks.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Best Anti-Piracy Video ever
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALZZx1xmAzg
Yeah George that is always hilarious! :D
Quote from: DavidW on May 31, 2012, 06:39:43 AM
Yeah George that is always hilarious! :D
I've been watching through that series again and keep remarking just how much fun it is.
Wicked good fun.
Quote from: karlhenning on May 31, 2012, 06:46:56 AM
Wicked good fun.
Have you seen The IT Crowd series, Karl? (that's where that clip comes from)
No, this is the first I'm aware of it, George. And good day! : )
Quote from: karlhenning on May 31, 2012, 06:55:19 AM
No, this is the first I'm aware of it, George. And good day! : )
Good day to you, buddy! :)
This is my favorite character on the show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KonmpyMESp0
Here are some examples of punography : Barbed wire was first used for de fence .
Suspenders were first made in 1841, but the company was held up .
In 1910 a Hungarian religious leader was found to be a Buddha pest .
In 1945, the first all-white Dalmatian dog was spotted .
Dieting is girth control .
The first flea market started from scratch .
In 1956 strip mining was banned in Boston.
Did you hear about the guy whose wife played a practical joke on him by
putting fire crackers in his pancakes ? He really blew his stack !
Tweezers will do in a pinch .
Two silkworms were in a race . They ended up in a tie .
Did you hear about the two boll weevils who grew up on a farm down south ?
One was very bright and ambitious, went to Harvard and MIT and became a famous scientist.
The other remained on the farm and never amounted to anything .
That one became known as the lesser of two weevils .
If you want to crash a houseboat party, just barge in !
Two wrongs might make a riot .
A manic depressive believes in "easy glum, easy glow ".
Versicle : a frozen poem on a stick .
Chicken coquette : a flirtatious hen .
If you're travelling in Scandinavia and come to the last Lapp,
you know you must be near the Finnish line .
Indecision : Under the whether .
Stevie Wonder is getting a divorce, bet he didn't see that coming.
Quote from: TheGSMoeller on August 03, 2012, 06:18:48 PM
Stevie Wonder is getting a divorce, bet he didn't see that coming.
Groan... :-[
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was a tense moment.
More terrible puns :
Another name for Pavolov's dogs : The salivation army . Archeology students studying the plumbing facilities in ancient Egypt :
Pharaoh faucet majors .
Scottish cheese : Loch ness Muenster . Geometry : What an acorn says once it's grown up .
Chinese lumberhjacks cut trees down with chopsticks .
She was only a trainman's daughter, loco with no motive .
Indecision : Under the whether .
If you want to crash a houseboat party, just barge in !
Communist plot: Where a Marxist gets buried .
Whenever a ghost gets lost in a fog, he's mist .
Greek demolition firm : Edifice Wrecks .
She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but he looved her still .
A Peruvian prince fished a beautiful maiden out of a river and made her his bride before the Inca was dry .
The conductor kept throwing tempo tantrums .
It's easy to milk a cow . Any jerk can do it .
Michael Jackson's skin color : a pigment of his imagination .
What religion was Humpty Dumpty ? He was an eggnostic .
Atheism is a non-prophet organization .
Atheists : People with no invisible means of support .
An Irishman leaves the pub.
An old one, not really funny (but nevertheless):
Q - What is a harp seal's favourite drink?
A- Canadian Club on the rocks.
Quote from: ChamberNut on January 13, 2013, 05:01:39 PM
An old one, not really funny (but nevertheless):
Q - What is a harp seal's favourite drink?
A- Canadian Club on the rocks.
Ouch!
Thread Duty:
This is a story I once heard in St Petersburg.
On a call-in radio show, once of the hosts referred to a traditional Russian saying, A guest who over-stays his welcome is worse than a Tartar. Anyone who has listened to Prokofiev's Aleksandr Nevsky, which opens with the brooding "Russia Beneath the Mongol Yoke," will get the allusion.
Well, this was in the days of the Soviet Union, when many non-Russian republics were (will they or nil they) part of the Union; and there were always citizens from the various Soviet republics residing in "both of the capitals," Moscow & St Petersburg. So, not all that surprisingly, a fellow from one of the central Asian republics calls in, and complains. "Comrades, all of our peoples are brothers in devotion to the wonderful principles of Marxism-Leninism, and we are all united in the struggle against the evils of the capitalist warlords which continue to lay waste to the decadent West. Yet here you are making fun of, not to put too fine a point on it, people of my own ancestry with remarks like A guest who over-stays his welcome is worse than a Tartar. Well, why pick on the Tartars? I wish we could change things for the better."
"All right," conceded the host. "What if we say instead, A guest who over-stays his welcome is . . . better than a Tartar!"
Speking of which: Radio Erevan (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radio_Yerevan_jokes)...
Q: Who invented communism, philosophers or scientists?
A: Philosophers because scientists would have first tested it on rats.
Q: What will happen if communism triumph in Sahara?
A: A sand shortage.
Q: Is it possible for communism to triumph in Switzerland?
A: Yes it is but it would be a pity.
Q: Why your broadcasts of late are that poor technically?
A: Because we're broadcasting from Siberia.
Q: Is it true that following the Tchernobyl disaster the whole management of the plant committed suicide?
A: Yes, except the party secretary who was not found at his home.
Q: Is it true that in the USSR there is no need for stereo equipment?
A: In principle it is, one hears the same thing from left and right anyway.
Q: What is the most powerful weapon in the world?
A: The cruiser Aurora: one blind shot resulted in 70 years of disaster.
Q: Is it true that fleas and ticks could start a revolution?
A: In principle yes, because in their arteries flows the blood of the working class.
Q: What countries does USSR border?
A: Any one it wishes.
Q: In our school we intend to perform Schiller's Wilhelm Tell, is it possible?
A: In principle yes but where will you get the apple from?
Q: Is returning from the Moon technically difficult?
A: No. The greatest difficulty is to convince the astronauts to return.
Q: Newspapers report that in a Romanian factory a placard was taken down which was inscribed: We'd better work for 10 Russians than for 1 American". Why is that?
A: Because they produced coffins.
Q: Where did the first soviet-style elections take place?
A: In the Garden of Eden when Adam chose his wife.
Q: What's the difference between an American and a Soviet tale?
A: The American one starts with "Once upon a time...", the Soviet one with "There'll be a time..."
Q: How does the Soviet government react to a deadlock?
A: We've already announced we won't answer agricultural questions anymore.
Q: Is it true that in the big industrial factories nepotism is practiced?
A: In principle no, the management boards usually are composed of brothers.
Q: Is it true that aspirin can have a contraceptive effect?
A: Yes, if you squeeze it with your knees.
Q: What else can you take off a naked secretary?
A: The general manager.
Q: Is it true that women live longer than men?
A: Yes it is, especially the widows.
Q: Is it true that a rouble, a pound and a dollar have the same value?
A: In principle it is, but it's like that: a pound of roubles equals a dollar.
Q: Is it true that from now on the soviet citizens can order household appliances and food over the internet?
A: Yes it is and the delivery will be over the internet too.
Q: Is it true that the Czechoslovakian people asked our Red Army for help?
A: Yes it is, the 1939 request was granted in 1968.
Q: What is the KGB?
A: It is the party's heart that beats, beats, beats...
Q: Where does the one who create the Radio Erevan jokes live?
A: We don't know exactly, but he'll live there for a very long time.
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A blonde standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "That must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."
8)
"My ex wife gave great head ache."
- Rodney Dangerfield
What's the difference between a fish and piano ? You can't tuna fish .
How do you get down off an elephant ? You can't. Down comes off of ducks .
If a blonde and a brunette jump off a tall building at the same time , which one
will hit the ground first ? The brunette, because the blonde will have to stop
and ask for directions .
What's the difference between a church bell and a politician ?
A church bell peals from the steeple, and a poltician steals from the people .
A bunch of crooks tried to pull of a heist at th eMetropolitn museum of art ,
but the whole thing failed because they couldn't make the van Gogh .
What's brown and sits on a piano stool in Vienna ? Beethoven's last movement .
You've heard about gays' travel plans?
The girls are done lickedy split, but the guys are always packing their shit!!
(just for those who say I only pick on Dick Cheney)
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
:D
8)
Quote from: Gurn Blanston on July 17, 2013, 02:39:10 PM
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
:D
8)
Did you steal my HaydnSeek??? ??? ???
Quote from: snyprrr on July 17, 2013, 07:36:54 PM
Did you steal my HaydnSeek??? ??? ???
Nah, yours is a link to somewhere in India, my friend Navneeth already has that covered. I like that you made a pun on a pun though. Well done. :)
8)
Chris Brown totaled his Porsche 911, which comes as no surprise to me. Chris Brown loves that car.
- Anthony Jeselnik
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second mother, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third mother, Kathy: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Joyce, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered... 'Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick Willy up from school and go home!
Best joke I've read all day:
Quote from: James on December 03, 2013, 12:51:42 PM
LATEST STOCKHAUSEN NEWS!
IMPORTANT NOTICE
I was going to post in the convenient thread placement, when I saw this and KS thread next to each other ;)
Hah!
Good God, the man has made
(http://www.good-music-guide.com/community/%5B/b)starter kit a punchline.
Quote from: James on December 21, 2013, 06:51:49 AM
Here is a good starter kit ..
Klavierstücke (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD56.htm)
Gruppen (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD5.htm)
Kontakte (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD6.htm)
Zeitmasze (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD4.htm)
Hymnen (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD10.htm)
Momente (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD80.htm)
Stimmung (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD12.htm)
Mantra (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD16.htm)
Music for flute, piccolo flute, alto flute (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD28.htm)
Michaels Reise (http://www.amazon.com/Stockhausen-Solisten-Version-Trompeter-Mitspieler-Klangregisseur/dp/B0000031VN/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&qid=1387640916&sr=8-12&keywords=Michaels+reise)
Invisible Choirs (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD31.htm)
Music for clarinet, bass clarinet, basset-horn (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD32.htm)
Luzifers Tanz (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD34.htm)
Oktophonie (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD41.htm)
Music for trumpet, piccolo trumpet, flugelhorn (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD43.htm)
Electronic Music with Sound Scenes of Friday (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD49.htm)
Welt-parlament (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD51.htm)
Lichter-Wasser (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD58.htm)
Strahlen (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD75.htm)
Music for saxophone (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD78.htm)
Freude (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD84.htm)
Treue (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD90.htm)
Cosmic Pulses (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD91.htm)
Tierkreis (http://www.stockhausencds.com/Stockhausen_Edition_CD100.htm)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YqlQS5CCmwI&feature=youtube
What's the difference between a piano and a fish ? You can't tuna fish !
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? ... a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Quote from: North Star on August 13, 2015, 02:55:48 AM
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? ... a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
;D
Quote from: James on October 05, 2015, 01:27:55 AM
I found music to be infinitely more fun once thinking entered the experience. That mindless jive just wasn't cutting it.
Karl, that's a statement we probably shouldn't overthink. :laugh:
"I didn't get here by thinking . . . ."
Quote from: karlhenning on October 06, 2015, 08:46:29 AM
"I didn't get here by thinking . . . ."
The US election thread is over there.
Why don't people tell jokes about Jonestown?
Because the punch line is too long. >:D
Leonard Bernstein was buried holding the score to Mahler's 5th against his chest. Unfortunately, there were other copies made.
(This would be funnier if it were Mahler's 7th)
Quote from: Mr. Three Putt on October 06, 2015, 04:15:24 PM
Leonard Bernstein was buried holding the score to Mahler's 5th against his chest. Unfortunately, there were other copies made.
(This would be funnier if it were Mahler's 7th)
Well,
I like it... :D
8)
If pain is a sign of weakness, leaving the body, then I have an amazing capacity for weakness. You'd think it would all be gone by now. Perhaps it leaves the body very slowly. This would be funnier if it weren't true.
Quote from: George on March 06, 2011, 06:47:26 AM
"How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task?"
"A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question."
;D
I know I'm four and a half years late saying it, but: I love this one.
Heading's Henquarters
(http://kdjay.co.uk/store/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/d/x/dxh019_1.jpg)
Inspired by current events: I said to my doctor I think I've got semi-affluenza. He said that's a bit rich.
https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/PEBKAC
Quote from: karlhenning on January 27, 2016, 10:48:13 AM
https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/PEBKAC
Between the Steinway and the Chairman?! :laugh:
Shishkoomba.
The sound sheep make when they explode. :-\
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
Quote from: George on June 05, 2017, 08:44:06 AM
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
A friend of mine posted that the other day!
His offering yesterday:
"How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."
Chap in the next cubicle just now offered:
"Have you got a hubcap for a Lada?"
—"Yeah, sounds like a good trade."
Quote from: k a rl h e nn i ng on June 05, 2017, 09:40:25 AM
A friend of mine posted that the other day!
His offering yesterday:
"How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool."
Chap in the next cubicle just now offered:
HAHAHAHA
Quote"Have you got a hubcap for a Lada?"
—"Yeah, sounds like a good trade."
Baaston humaa is friggin pissah!
Two 9/11 Truthers are driving down the road and get killed in a car wreck. They find themselves in front of God who grants them an answer to any question they wish.
One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"
God sighs. "Muslim extremists. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden did it."
His friend leans down and whispers, "Damn, dude. This thing goes way higher up than we ever realized."
Quote from: k a rl h e nn i ng on June 05, 2017, 09:40:25 AM"Have you got a hubcap for a Lada?"
—"Yeah, sounds like a good trade."
And I just saw that one yesterday! And this:
What's the difference between a Lada and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 metres.
!!!
Quote from: bwv 1080 on June 05, 2017, 10:26:04 AM
Two 9/11 Truthers are driving down the road and get killed in a car wreck. They find themselves in front of God who grants them an answer to any question they wish.
One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"
God sighs. "Muslim extremists. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden did it."
His friend leans down and whispers, "Damn, dude. This thing goes way higher up than we ever realized."
HA! Love it.
Tourist: Excuse me, are you a police officer?
Cop: No, I'm an undercover detective.
Tourist: Then why are you in uniform?
Cop: Today's my day off.
Cross-post
While he may not have written it himself, this comes courtesy of comedic genius Philip Proctor:
=====
A brunette goes into a doctor's office and tells the doctor that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger, presses it on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her finger on her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde."
"I thought so," He says. "Your finger is broken."
Quote from: k a rl h e nn i ng on July 11, 2017, 03:41:09 AM
Cross-post
While he may not have written it himself, this comes courtesy of comedic genius Philip Proctor:
=====
A brunette goes into a doctor's office and tells the doctor that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger, presses it on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her finger on her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde."
"I thought so," He says. "Your finger is broken."
*chuckles*
Question: What happened to the man who stole the rhubarb?
Answer: He was held in custody.
(Get it?)
Told to me by one of my school pupils.
I mentioned this earlier on in the thread (on November 10th 2009 to be precise) but as it's a very sophisticated joke I thought it worth repeating. You will all think that I only know one joke! ???
PS to prove that this is not true here is my other joke from eight years ago:
As a child I always wanted a skate-board and I begged my parents to get me one. Over and over again I asked them but there was always some reason why I couldn't have a skateboard. Anyway, I was so fed up with waiting for a skate-board that, one night, I crept downstairs and got some planks of wood and a hammer from the shed and battered my parents to death.
My foster parents bought me several skateboards.
I sold the Hoover last week. Well, it was only gathering dust.
It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies. But before you know it, you're adding raisins and marshmallows – it's a rocky road.
I asked all of my black and minority ethnic friends if they thought I was racist or not, and they both said that I wasn't.
Let me tell you a little about myself. It's a reflexive pronoun that means "me".
Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas
Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse ... but enough about Kanye West.
Surely every car is a people carrier?
(all the above from the Edinburgh fringe)
Quote from: nodogen on September 04, 2017, 12:48:53 AM
I sold the Hoover last week. Well, it was only gathering dust.
Stevie Wonder's wife is divorcing him - he didn't see that coming.
Mark Steele's explanation of a 'Freudian Slip'
'I was having breakfast with my mother in law last week when I made an embarrassing Freudian Slip. I meant to say 'please would you mind passing the butter' but instead of that I said 'you stupid cow - you've ruined my life'.
Quote from: vandermolen on September 04, 2017, 10:11:51 AM
Mark Steele's explanation of a 'Freudian Slip'
'I was having breakfast with my mother in law last week when I made an embarrassing Freudian Slip. I meant to say 'please would you mind passing the butter' but instead of that I said 'you stupid cow - you've ruined my life'.
https://www.youtube.com/v/R87VRUvmNh0
Why did the astronomer put a hamburger in the bathtub?
Cause he wanted a meatier shower! ;)
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Quote from: North Star on September 04, 2017, 10:56:18 AM
https://www.youtube.com/v/R87VRUvmNh0
Excellent! I wonder which came first - this or Mark Steele. He did a series on scientists in history. The other one which made me laugh was, while dresseh up as Newton with a 'Newton's Cradle' in front of him he demonstrated his theory of gravity not by using it but by smashing the whole thing into a vase at the end of the table.
Here is Mark Steel's lecture on Freud.
I put an extraneous 'e' on his name in earlier posts:
https://youtu.be/Etiwwbpr1Y4
Here is his lecture on Newton. The demonstration using Newton's Crasle is at about 9.15 minutes.
https://youtu.be/cEbreJsRo08
Quote from: snyprrr on September 04, 2017, 12:31:41 PM
Why did the astronomer put a hamburger in the bathtub?
Cause he wanted a meatier shower! ;)
Excellent! 😀
"I used to date this girl who worked for a record company. After our first date, she sent me a bunch of CDs in the mail. Now I just need to take her out three more times over the next five years."
- Jeff Ross
Quote from: North Star on August 13, 2015, 02:55:48 AM
What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? ... a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Then there was the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.
My daughter posted this to me:
(//)
(https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-iDI3aDdFCxM/XKh-12WT80I/AAAAAAAAETk/H_3-Ahv-GxM2c2pcJi2BDvYku4qZf_bCACLcBGAs/s400/IMG_3503.jpg)
For Passover:
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D4hyOBfU4AA1gz_.jpg:large)
Quote from: SimonNZ on April 19, 2019, 06:20:13 PM
For Passover:
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D4hyOBfU4AA1gz_.jpg:large)
:D
Quote from: SimonNZ on April 19, 2019, 06:20:13 PM
For Passover:
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D4hyOBfU4AA1gz_.jpg:large)
It scares me that I get that joke.
Note a joke, but sad, and related: Recently the AP reported that when in mourning Jews sit and shiver.
Who paid for the last supper?
Jesus got nailed for it.
Quote from: Florestan on April 20, 2019, 05:45:12 AM
Please, guys, enlighten me. I didn't get it at all. ???
It's a play on the the words night and knight. The translation of the phrase the knight uttered is "Why is tonight different from all other nights?"
Quote from: geralmar on April 19, 2019, 10:03:12 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/5983DvCZ/aca6fac471828fef64883ad94c9cf4f0-hilarious-stuff-too-funny.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Deathly funny.
Quote from: George on April 20, 2019, 05:50:59 AM
It's a play on the the words night and knight. The translation of the phrase the knight uttered is "Why is tonight different from all other nights?"
Thanks a lot. Funny indeed.
Quote from: Florestan on April 20, 2019, 06:23:15 AM
Thanks a lot. Funny indeed.
No problem.
In all fairness, I had to Google a translation of what the Knight said. 8)
Quote from: drogulus on September 04, 2017, 02:12:32 PM
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What is a rhetorical answer?
Courtesy of the immortal Phil Proctor (though I have an idea I heard it before now)
A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol, and yelled, "I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven-round magazine plus one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
Avoice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!"
Quote from: k a rl h e nn i ng on July 17, 2019, 10:14:49 AM
Courtesy of the immortal Phil Proctor (though I have an idea I heard it before now)
A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol, and yelled, "I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven-round magazine plus one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
Avoice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!"
Ha!
adding to my collection of Jewish Jokes (stolen from Gilbert Gottfried - um, don't tell it if you're not Jewish?):
A Jewish couple goes to the doctor because they're having trouble in the bedroom. The doctor says, "there's an operation I can do on the husband that'll change everything. If you get it, it'll fix all the troubles with your sex-life. You'll be delighted. The operation will cost 900$. I want you to go home and think about this and come back tomorrow and tell me your decision. It costs 900$, but it will transform your love-making."
The next day the couple comes back and the doctor asks them what they've decided.
They reply, "we've decided to redo the kitchen cabinets."
(https://i.postimg.cc/C1m4HZ1R/C0vqBZp.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
A group of friends all turning 40, discussed where to meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston because the bar staff had big tits.
Ten years later, at age of 50, they discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, they agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because the bar staff were attractive and excellent beer selection.
Ten years later, at 60, they again discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because plenty of parking, and dine in peace with no loud music, and value for money.
Ten years later, at 70, the friends discussed where to meet.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons at Kingston, because it was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at 80, the friends discussed where they should meet up for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston, because they had never been there before.
Quote from: geralmar on April 01, 2020, 10:39:17 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/C1m4HZ1R/C0vqBZp.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Hilarious. Made me laugh.
Thanks
Quote from: Irons on April 02, 2020, 12:29:15 AM
A group of friends all turning 40, discussed where to meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston because the bar staff had big tits.
Ten years later, at age of 50, they discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, they agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because the bar staff were attractive and excellent beer selection.
Ten years later, at 60, they again discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because plenty of parking, and dine in peace with no loud music, and value for money.
Ten years later, at 70, the friends discussed where to meet.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons at Kingston, because it was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at 80, the friends discussed where they should meet up for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston, because they had never been there before.
:)
Quote from: geralmar on April 01, 2020, 10:39:17 PM
(https://i.postimg.cc/C1m4HZ1R/C0vqBZp.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
:laugh:
Here are some family-friendly ones: https://www.funology.com/bird-jokes/
Here's one: Q: Why did Mozart sell his chickens?
A: Because they kept saying "bach bach"!
Lots of boos, but good if you have young kids (or know ones). :)
PD
Man walks into a bar .....
Lucky Bastard
Quote from: Iota on April 16, 2020, 01:44:17 PM
Man walks into a bar .....
Lucky Bastard
:laugh:
Luckier still if he has at least a homemade mask (sad to say).
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
"This is not the worst ever Easter, says Jesus".
https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/this-is-not-the-worst-ever-easter-says-jesus-20200410195353 (https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/this-is-not-the-worst-ever-easter-says-jesus-20200410195353)
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Quote from: drogulus on April 18, 2020, 07:26:13 AM
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
I can't believe I just said that ;).
Zeno walks half way into a bar......Zeno walks half way into a bar......
Just announced!
Quote from: steve ridgway on April 18, 2020, 08:52:41 AM
I can't believe I just said that ;).
I'll dream you both away this night.
Quote from: Irons on April 19, 2020, 02:25:40 AM
Just announced!
:laugh:
Hell of a 100th birthday party :laugh:
Quote from: Papy Oli on April 19, 2020, 03:36:48 AM
:laugh:
Hell of a 100th birthday party :laugh:
Wonder if ours will be as good when we get there, Olivier. ;)
Quote from: Irons on April 19, 2020, 06:08:35 AM
Wonder if ours will be as good when we get there, Olivier. ;)
Will be nice to get there, Lol... some nice chocolate, a glass of sherry and blasting Walton's 1st on the retirement home's speakers, that'd be nice... can't wait... ;D
Quote from: Papy Oli on April 19, 2020, 09:21:57 AM
Will be nice to get there, Lol... some nice chocolate, a glass of sherry and blasting Walton's 1st on the retirement home's speakers, that'd be nice... can't wait... ;D
Turn it up a bit! I can't hear it!!
Quote from: geralmar on April 28, 2020, 03:48:38 AM
(https://i.postimg.cc/mD2J9TbB/21368963-web1-M-0425-covid-parks-kuper-EDH-200424-1024x739.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
:) Where's her bag though to pick things up? >:(
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EWnSsRXWkAUIaVZ?format=jpg&name=small)
Quote from: George on April 28, 2020, 06:56:37 AM
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EWnSsRXWkAUIaVZ?format=jpg&name=small)
Very good! :)
(https://i.imgur.com/73oaGwN.jpg)
(https://i.postimg.cc/sDr1R7XL/S8p9zRb.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/coronavirus-funny-jokes-205-5e74b19128805__700.jpg)
My doctor prescribed anti-gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in.
Quote from: George on April 29, 2020, 03:02:39 PM
My doctor prescribed anti-gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in.
Boooo! :laugh:
A classic scene from a classic movie:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhiCFdWeQfA (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhiCFdWeQfA)
Quote from: George on April 29, 2020, 03:02:39 PM
My doctor prescribed anti-gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in.
(* chortle *)
(https://i.postimg.cc/zvHYGcMC/comics-tundra-comics-sneeze-skunk-5311226.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
(https://i.postimg.cc/XYHPDtmx/tumblr-pzp8cf-Bbh21uacv0ho1-540.jpg) (https://postimages.org/)
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Phillip Glass.
Quote from: George on February 05, 2022, 12:06:21 PM
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Phillip Glass.
;D
k n oc k k n o c k
w h o ' s t h e re ?
Morton Feldman
Seen on Twitter:
hy couldn't the devil make cheese?
There's no whey in hell.
Here are some memes for the day:
(https://i.redd.it/ubljmoyaswc91.jpg)(https://i.redd.it/e36zrucpyxc91.jpg)(https://preview.redd.it/k9uugs3xxsc91.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=c2a05a4418d6e1d82b99ea81bd88620837e679e0)
I especially feel that last one!
Dave Chappelle on Standards and Practices - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZWnJw74GxM
Seen on Twitter:
how did the hipster burn his tongue?
He took a sip of his coffee before it was cool.
Quote from: k a rl h e nn i ng on July 27, 2022, 02:57:48 PM
Seen on Twitter:
how did the hipster burn his tongue?
He took a sip of his coffee before it was cool.
;D :D ;D
Quote from: k a rl h e nn i ng on July 21, 2022, 08:42:14 AM
Seen on Twitter:
hy couldn't the devil make cheese?
There's no whey in hell.
Boooooo! ;D
Quote from: DavidW on July 21, 2022, 11:16:31 AM
Here are some memes for the day:
(https://i.redd.it/ubljmoyaswc91.jpg)(https://i.redd.it/e36zrucpyxc91.jpg)(https://preview.redd.it/k9uugs3xxsc91.jpg?width=640&crop=smart&auto=webp&s=c2a05a4418d6e1d82b99ea81bd88620837e679e0)
I especially feel that last one!
I particularly like the black hole one. Alas, I'm missing out on the point of the truck/shipping one. And re the third, well, sometimes life doesn't always go as planned. ;)
PD
Quote from: Pohjolas Daughter on July 28, 2022, 04:33:47 AM
Boooooo! ;D
I particularly like the black hole one. Alas, I'm missing out on the point of the truck/shipping one. And re the third, well, sometimes life doesn't always go as planned. ;)
PD
The truck is being catapulted to be able to make the delivery on time.
Quote from: DavidW on July 28, 2022, 06:23:36 AM
The truck is being catapulted to be able to make the delivery on time.
Thanks, and thanks to PD for asking. I didn't get it, either.
Thanks David.
And good to know that I wasn't along Karl! :D
PD
It's very difficult to find jokes that my four-and-a-half year old can understand. Here's one I think he gets: why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7,8,9.
Here's another:
Why do giraffes have long necks? Because their feet stink.
Quote from: milk on July 29, 2022, 05:18:07 AM
It's very difficult to find jokes that my four-and-a-half year old can understand. Here's one I think he gets: why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7,8,9.
Here's another:
Why do giraffes have long necks? Because their feet stink.
Very cute! ;D
Here are a couple of kid/G rated ones for you (though probably need to delay them for a few years in terms of sharing with your kid):
*Where does the Lone Ranger bring his trash? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump, etc. [Think Rossini "William Tell Overture"].
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba na na naaaaa [Think, Fifth]
*Alas, dated I know!
I'll run away now! lol
PD
This cheeseburger walks into a bar and says "give me a beer." Bartender says "we don't serve food here."
Quote from: George on July 29, 2022, 07:17:28 AM
This cheeseburger walks into a bar and says "give me a beer." Bartender says "we don't serve food here."
Nice!
Quote from: Pohjolas Daughter on July 29, 2022, 06:32:02 AM
Very cute! ;D
Here are a couple of kid/G rated ones for you (though probably need to delay them for a few years in terms of sharing with your kid):
*Where does the Lone Ranger bring his trash? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump, etc. [Think Rossini "William Tell Overture"].
I like these music-related ones. I remember the Lone Ranger.
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba na na naaaaa [Think, Fifth]
*Alas, dated I know!
I'll run away now! lol
PD
Quote from: George on July 29, 2022, 07:17:28 AM
This cheeseburger walks into a bar and says "give me a beer." Bartender says "we don't serve food here."
:D
PD
An unexpectedly jokey question in the final of the 2013 University Challenge:
What song's opening lyrics would best be answered with the replies: "No', "no", "no", "no" and "get them yourself"?
hint: music written in 1916 to words from 1804
Quote from: SimonNZ on October 10, 2022, 07:19:34 PM
An unexpectedly jokey question in the final of the 2013 University Challenge:
What song's opening lyrics would best be answered with the replies: "No', "no", "no", "no" and "get them yourself"?
hint: music written in 1916 to words from 1804
Google says "
Jerusalem is a classic hymn sung as an anthem. It was originally written as a poem by William Blake in 1804. Hubert Parry set it to music in 1916. It is seen by many as England's unofficial national anthem."
Why did the man name his legless dog Cigarette?
Because every morning he took him out for a drag.
What happened to the man who stole the rhubarb?
He got held in custody
Seen on Twitter:
Hmm... look at that. I was just reading there are no canaries on the Canary Islands.
Same thing with the Virgin Islands... no canaries there either.
Heard about the new Ford Mute? It goes without saying.
(I am particualrly proud of this one. I think this is the best joke I have written.)
Monday's XKCD (https://xkcd.com/2788/) will likely be of interest to many here.
(https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/musical_scales.png)
I reinterpreted the linear pitch scale as a standard log scale. The results (score, transposed down for legibility, and audio) are attached.
Quote from: George on May 30, 2023, 07:05:40 PMHeard about the new Ford Mute? It goes without saying.
(I am particualrly proud of this one. I think this is the best joke I have written.)
Very nice!
Doonesbury '89
Oh, this is awful:
My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only had 9 toes.
She was lack toes intolerant.
Quote from: Karl Henning on September 12, 2023, 04:40:28 PMOh, this is awful:
My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only had 9 toes.
She was lack toes intolerant.
I suppose it should be 8 toes or less, right? 9 toes means she's lack toe interant.
No idea how many allusions to this scene I saw/heard over the years, this is the first I've seen the source:
I propose a one-letter thread, could be fun. Or a one-number thread, could be dumb. 😄
Also a means to speed up post amount to approach Karl. Karl is on a lonesome height.
I was out until 3.00am celebrating the wife's birthday. She was furious when I got home.
Quote from: vandermolen on October 08, 2023, 09:14:28 AMI was out until 3.00am celebrating the wife's birthday. She was furious when I got home.
(* chortle *)
Quote from: Henk on October 06, 2023, 10:37:18 AMI propose a one-letter thread, could be fun. Or a one-number thread, could be dumb. 😄
Also a means to speed up post amount to approach Karl. Karl is on a lonesome height.
Well, I've slowed down since my stroke.
Quote from: vandermolen on October 08, 2023, 09:14:28 AMI was out until 3.00am celebratimg the wife's birthday. She was furious when I got home.
Are you related to the Scotsman who went to Spain on his honeymoon, but didn't take his wife because she'd been there before?
My Gran died on her hundredth birthday - I knew giving her the bumps was a mistake.
Quote from: DaveF on October 08, 2023, 09:18:40 AMthe Scotsman who went to Spain on his honeymoon, but didn't take his wife because she'd been there before?
He was probably the same Scotsman who asked the gasoline station boy "How much is a drop of gasoline?" and upon the boy's replying "A drop? That's for free, sir!" he asked "Then drop the tank full, son!"
Quote from: Karl Henning on October 08, 2023, 09:17:00 AMWell, I've slowed down since my stroke.
That sounds bad, I hope you have fully recovered. Anyway you're still far ahead, I don't think anyone is able to catch-up for a long time. It's not a competition of course, but it still is legendary.
Quote from: Henk on October 08, 2023, 01:01:02 PMThat sounds bad, I hope you have fully recovered. Anyway you're still far ahead, I don't think anyone is able to catch-up for a long time. It's not a competition of course, but it still is legendary.
Recovery's going well, althiough recovery of my left hand is slow going. Thanks!
Quote from: Karl Henning on October 08, 2023, 01:12:40 PMRecovery's going well, althiough recovery of my left hand is slow going. Thanks!
Good to hear, Karl. Your composing is going well too as I've witnessed in your thread dedicated to it. So that is reassuring as well.
'I used to go out with Fatima Whitbread [former British champion Javelin-thrower] but she chucked me.'
I like this one:
Cat lovers appreciate this:
A dog and a cat are at the "Pearly Gates" waiting to enter heaven. God asks the dog, "were you a good dog?" and the dog replies, " I think so. I was loyal, obedient, learned many tricks, and protected my owner."
God turns to the cat and asks if he were good. The cat replies, "you're in my chair."
Quote from: San Antone on October 09, 2023, 06:30:28 AMCat lovers appreciate this:
A dog and a cat are at the "Pearly Gates" waiting to enter heaven. God asks the dog, "were you a good dog?" and the dog replies, " I think so. I was loyal, obedient, learned many tricks, and protected my owner."
God turns to the cat and asks if he were good. The cat replies, "you're in my chair."
:laugh: ;D
PD
My wife has left me for my best friend - I really miss him!
Quote from: San Antone on October 09, 2023, 06:30:28 AMCat lovers appreciate this:
A dog and a cat are at the "Pearly Gates" waiting to enter heaven. God asks the dog, "were you a good dog?" and the dog replies, " I think so. I was loyal, obedient, learned many tricks, and protected my owner."
God turns to the cat and asks if he were good. The cat replies, "you're in my chair."
My sister got a chuckle out of that, too!
This cheeseburger walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve food here."
A thief holds up a Bank.
He fires a shotgun in the air and demands everyone to lie on the floor.
As he did so his balaclava slips.
He said to the first prone customer "did you see my face?" who replied "Yes" so he shot him.
To the second he said "did you see my face?" who replied "Yes" so he shot him.
To the third he said "did you see my face?" who replied "No, but the wife did".
Quote from: Irons on October 28, 2023, 06:57:54 AMA thief holds up a Bank.
He fires a shotgun in the air and demands everyone to lie on the floor.
As he did so his balaclava slips.
He said to the first prone customer "did you see my face?" who replied "Yes" so he shot him.
To the second he said "did you see my face?" who replied "Yes" so he shot him.
To the third he said "did you see my face?" who replied "No, but the wife did".
;D
I'm a masochist - I love a cold bath every morning, so I don't have one.
First person: "Have you seen The Invisible Man?"
Second person: "No, that's not possible."
Posted by Philip Proctor on FB:
A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious.
So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"Isn't it terrible the way Biden stole the election?"
A bar full of people, somewhere in the Wild West. Enters an agitated fellow, crying out lout: Folks, run for your life! Gonzalez is coming!
All patrons exit in frightened disarray. The bartender, a young fellow on his first day, hides under the counter.
After a long while, enters a tall and strongly built man, a ferocious countenance and armed to the teeth. Bartender, I want a bottle of whisky!
The bartender, trembling and barely standing, emerges from under the counter and gives the guy a bottle and a glass. The guy takes them, sits at a table and starts drinking in silence.
After finishing the bottle, he asks the bartender: How much do I owe you, son?
The bartender stutters in fright: Nothing, sir, it's on the house!.
The armed guy tips his hat to the bartender, walks to the doors and just before exiting turns around: Son, why don't you leave while you can? You know, Gonzalez is coming!
Not really a joke but this extract from an obituary of a leading Headmaster (who has died aged 98) made me laugh:
'In 1955, he married Veronica Maconochie, a fine musician who could play any tune by ear (ideally Gershwin and Cole Porter), and who charmed boys and dons alike with her spontaneity, vivacity and eccentricity. As newlyweds, they lived in a small first-floor flat overlooking Bristol Zoo, where Veronica was occasionally startled by a friendly giraffe looking through the window.'
(Daily Telegraph Online)
Quote from: vandermolen on November 01, 2023, 03:01:14 AMNot really a joke but this extract from an obituary of a leading Headmaster (who has died aged 98) made me laugh:
'In 1955, he married Veronica Maconochie, a fine musician who could play any tune by ear (ideally Gershwin and Cole Porter), and who charmed boys and dons alike with her spontaneity, vivacity and eccentricity. As newlyweds, they lived in a small first-floor flat overlooking Bristol Zoo, where Veronica was occasionally startled by a friendly giraffe looking through the window.'
(Daily Telegraph Online)
Sweet! :)
Did you work with him at all Jeffrey?
PD
Speaking of Zoo...
(Background: during the last years of the Communist regime policemen, especially low ranks, were reputed to be extremely stupid)
A low rank policeman enters the station house dragging an ostrich by leash.
The chief inspector: What the hell is that, constable?
The constable: I found it in the streets, sir. What should I do with it?
The chief inspector: Imbecile! Take it to the Zoo immediately!
The constable: Sir, yes, sir!
The next day, the chief inspector sees the constable in the street, dragging the same ostrich by the same leash.
The chief inspector: You idiot! Didn't I tell you yesterday to take it to the Zoo?
The constable: Aye, sir, and I did. Today I'm going to take it to the cinema!
Quote from: Pohjolas Daughter on November 01, 2023, 03:09:06 AMSweet! :)
Did you work with him at all Jeffrey?
PD
No I didn't PD
Quote from: Florestan on November 01, 2023, 03:19:51 AMSpeaking of Zoo...
(Background: during the last years of the Communist regime policemen, especially low ranks, were reputed to be extremely stupid)
A low rank policeman enters the station house dragging an ostrich by leash.
The chief inspector: What the hell is that, constable?
The constable: I found it in the streets, sir. What should I do with it?
The chief inspector: Imbecile! Take it to the Zoo immediately!
The constable: Sir, yes, sir!
The next day, the chief inspector sees the constable in the street, dragging the same ostrich by the same leash.
The chief inspector: You idiot! Didn't I tell you yesterday to take it to the Zoo?
The constable: Aye, sir, and I did. Today I'm going to take it to the cinema!
V good!
Two tramps on a park bench.
One says to the other "your feet stink!"
They meet up a week later.
"Did you sort out your smelly feet?"
The other tramp replied "Well yes, I put on a clean pair of socks every day but by Friday I couldn't get my shoes on!"
Why was the taco crying?
Because onions were being chopped in front of him.
;D
Seen on Threads. Read at your own risk:
"Every morning I take my pet cow for a long walk in the local vineyard.
Yes...
I herd it through the grapevine."