Dating or not dating.

[NikF]

We'll be going to see Star Wars tomorrow. I hear you about the Christmas thing. I'd like to avoid it, too, but, unfortunately, I work retail and the Holiday Season brings nothing but chaos and a bitter taste in my mouth. Thankfully, Christmas is on Sunday as I'm off from Hell on Sundays and Mondays.

Good. I hope it goes well - I'm sure it will - and I'll look out for any update you might post. As ever -> 

"Tarot and chill"

Yeah, some women will use any excuse to get their pentacles all over a guy.

[Mirror Image]

Good. I hope it goes well - I'm sure it will - and I'll look out for any update you might post. As ever -> 

Thanks, Nik. I'm really looking forward to the date. Rain is in the forecast, but I'm hoping it passes over.

[vandermolen]

Hope it goes well from me too John.
Jeffrey

[Mirror Image]

Hope it goes well from me too John.
Jeffrey

Thanks, Jeffrey.

[Mirror Image]

In my initial message that is now deleted, I said some things that I regretted as this woman is really fighting for me and has explained a lot about her culture to me tonight. Her parents were so strict that she wasn't even allowed to kiss her boyfriend of 15 years, but they broke up because he slept with her best friend and they are now expecting a child. Even though she didn't fully explain why she left Thailand, which in hindsight is none of my business truth be told, I'm understanding everything much better and clearer now. Anyway, I originally sent her a text message explaining why I couldn't see her again as I thought our differences are just too great, but she really showed me how much she cared for me by telling me this in a series of messages (I'm exempting my own messages):

"I'm very sad to hear about that. I like you very much. For me, you are a gentleman."

"Can you hold my hand and we can try to solve this problem?"

"I want to put my heart in your hands."

"I don't want to lose you."

"Next time if we have another problem, then please try to talk with me before you make any decision."

Hear me everybody, I never had a woman tell me these things. I'll be honest here and say I feel like a giant ass and looking back at my own messages I was a complete jerk even though at that time I felt I was being honest. As Brian mentioned, I can't get wrapped up in my own thoughts and head game. It's about her and not about me. It's about what she wants and what she desires. I need to stop being so damn selfish and actually listen to the needs of the person that genuinely likes me and wants to be around me. Right now, I'm feeling better and much more reassured that this could potentially be something much greater than what is now.

I want to thank all of you guys for your support and advice. When I get trapped in my own mind, it becomes quite a dangerous place to be. Also, I felt after I sent her that initial text message that I really didn't want to lose her either, but thought to myself "Well, now you blew it like you always do. Way to go idiot!"

Oh and the new Star Wars was quite good. I didn't like it as much as The Force Awakens, but it's still a fun flick with lots of great action sequences. I loved the Darth Vader scenes. I wished there were more of those.

[Brian]

It's about what she wants and what she desires. I need to stop being so damn selfish and actually listen to the needs of the person that genuinely likes me and wants to be around me. Right now, I'm feeling better and much more reassured that this could potentially be something much greater than what is now.

I want to thank all of you guys for your support and advice. When I get trapped in my own mind, it becomes quite a dangerous place to be. Also, I felt after I sent her that initial text message that I really didn't want to lose her either, but thought to myself "Well, now you blew it like you always do. Way to go idiot!"

This might seem like you're being mean to yourself, but there's a good thing happening here - that the voices in your head are a dialogue rather than a chorus. Something that's very helpful* is to fight the Voice That Says Bad Things by cultivating a devil's advocate voice that will argue against you. I remember a couple times where, instead of whining a bunch of self-pity to my friends about woe is me and all the terrible things happening, I imagined whining all that stuff to them, and then imagined their response. Which was usually along the lines of, shut up and deal with it, but maybe a little more constructive than that.  And that genuinely helped.

*(in depression, in my [past] case)

So if you have a voice telling you that you need to break out of the head-space and get to know this other person, who's another equal consciousness, well, that's a great thing. Almost as great as having another person who is happy to show you how much they care.

I would say meet again sooner rather than later this time and do something fun and cherish that someone cares about you that much that quickly!

[Mirror Image]

^^ As always, I wish you the best of luck Mirror Image


It's a good preamble in a way, or a reminder to always stay level-headed with whatever future relationships I may have. Going to university next year will also open a ton of potential opportunities both good and bad. I relate to you MI, quite a bit in a way though because I think too deeply about everything, which doesn't always have the best consequences 

Message to self: Stay level-headed but optimistic 

Please, you can call me, John and thanks so much. Being level-headed is something I need to put into practice. Kate (the woman I'm seeing) is very level-headed and doesn't have her head in the clouds. She's direct and to-the-point, which is something I should put into practice as well.

Oh and you're about to embark on a lot of different things just remember to be honest in whatever you're doing and if you do meet a woman, then make everything you do for her about her and only her. It's not about you anymore when you enter a relationship and if she feels the same way, then expect a lot of positive energy to come your way.

[Mirror Image]

This might seem like you're being mean to yourself, but there's a good thing happening here - that the voices in your head are a dialogue rather than a chorus. Something that's very helpful* is to fight the Voice That Says Bad Things by cultivating a devil's advocate voice that will argue against you. I remember a couple times where, instead of whining a bunch of self-pity to my friends about woe is me and all the terrible things happening, I imagined whining all that stuff to them, and then imagined their response. Which was usually along the lines of, shut up and deal with it, but maybe a little more constructive than that.  And that genuinely helped.

*(in depression, in my [past] case)

So if you have a voice telling you that you need to break out of the head-space and get to know this other person, who's another equal consciousness, well, that's a great thing. Almost as great as having another person who is happy to show you how much they care.

I would say meet again sooner rather than later this time and do something fun and cherish that someone cares about you that much that quickly!

Thanks a lot, Brian. Yeah, getting out of my own head was a good exercise and something I need to do from now on. Self-doubt and my own lack of self-esteem need to be checked at the door. I really should stop finding fault with everything that's potentially good in my life. I'm not sure where all of this comes from, but I realized tonight that it truly needs to stop.

[NikF]

Hear me everybody, I never had a woman tell me these things. I'll be honest here and say I feel like a giant ass and looking back at my own messages I was a complete jerk even though at that time I felt I was being honest. As Brian mentioned, I can't get wrapped up in my own thoughts and head game. It's about her and not about me. It's about what she wants and what she desires. I need to stop being so damn selfish and actually listen to the needs of the person that genuinely likes me and wants to be around me. Right now, I'm feeling better and much more reassured that this could potentially be something much greater than what is now.

I want to thank all of you guys for your support and advice. When I get trapped in my own mind, it becomes quite a dangerous place to be. Also, I felt after I sent her that initial text message that I really didn't want to lose her either, but thought to myself "Well, now you blew it like you always do. Way to go idiot!"

Oh and the new Star Wars was quite good. I didn't like it as much as The Force Awakens, but it's still a fun flick with lots of great action sequences. I loved the Darth Vader scenes. I wished there were more of those.

I believe that having someone tell you such things for the first time is even more reason to pause and take it slow. There's always value to be found in taking time to stop and reassess.

Having that, if there's one piece if advice I can offer that I'd hope you consider (and this is going to sound faintly ridiculous) it's to make sure you eat and sleep properly. And maybe take a walk once in a while or something, you know? That might be obvious, but it's important you do so, because while you want to make it be about her and not about you (and that's a fine view to hold) you need to look after number one - and that will always be yourself. I'll put that another way; if you can't take care if your own needs, then how can you take care of anyone else?

And keep breathing, nice and easy.   

[Mirror Image]

I believe that having someone tell you such things for the first time is even more reason to pause and take it slow. There's always value to be found in taking time to stop and reassess.

Having that, if there's one piece if advice I can offer that I'd hope you consider (and this is going to sound faintly ridiculous) it's to make sure you eat and sleep properly. And maybe take a walk once in a while or something, you know? That might be obvious, but it's important you do so, because while you want to make it be about her and not about you (and that's a fine view to hold) you need to look after number one - and that will always be yourself. I'll put that another way; if you can't take care if your own needs, then how can you take care of anyone else?

And keep breathing, nice and easy.   

I completely understand what you're saying, Nik. I will say there was a reason as to why I felt an emptiness after I sent her that initial message and that reason was I couldn't stand the thought of going another day looking for every reason to dump someone. Also, you don't really know anything about me other than what my tastes in music are. You don't know my dating history (or lack thereof). I don't want to end up alone, but I don't want to be with someone I don't truly love. I think I was looking after myself whenever I began to question myself and then guess what happened? Self-doubt and all of my anxieties and bad qualities took over and poisoned what could have been something that was great in my life. Like I said, I understand where you're coming from and I do understand the need to take things slow. I'd say we're moving pretty slowly. I don't see us getting married tomorrow. In fact, I don't even see marriage anywhere on the horizon, but knowing that someone is honest with me as I am with them is reason enough to smile and nod my head along. The problem I've always encountered was the fact that I was making something about me. I'm guarding my heart and I'll continue to guard it, but she definitely seemed like she didn't want me out of her life after sending her that rather hasty, judgmental text message I initially sent and that meant a lot to me.

[vandermolen]

One of the best bits of advice I had from a Buddhist friend, when agonising over what decision to make in a very difficult situation, was:

'If I were you Jeffrey I'd stop worrying about what you are going to do.' In other words wait and see.

This relates to the Taoist saying: 'Do that which consists of no action' which can be very difficult if you are upset or agonising about something.

I also agree with NikF's point about looking after yourself John.

I would write more but am in a rush - maybe sometimes 'less is more' anyway!

[Mirror Image]

One of the best bits of advice I had from a Buddhist friend, when agonising over what decision to make in a very difficult situation, was:

'If I were you Jeffrey I'd stop worrying about what you are going to do.' In other words wait and see.

This relates to the Taoist saying: 'Do that which consists of no action' which can be very difficult if you are upset or agonising about something.

I also agree with NikF's point about looking after yourself John.

I would write more but am in a rush - maybe sometimes 'less is more' anyway!

Thanks, Jeffrey. I'm just going where the mood strikes me. I'm not in a rush for anything right now other than to have a good time with someone that genuinely enjoys my company and loves being around me. Small steps at a time.

[Ken B]

I believe that having someone tell you such things for the first time is even more reason to pause and take it slow. There's always value to be found in taking time to stop and reassess.

Yes. At the risk of being a downer for all involved it sounds to me like you are both reacting a bit too emotionally. Not in a good way.  I get the feeling you are both freighting this with too much weight and tension and urgency. Urgency is bad.

My suggestion is: Make a date for sometime *after* the holidays. Not for some symbolic date like Xmas or New Years. Don't see each other until then. Then talk and see how you each feel.

[Mirror Image]

Yes. At the risk of being a downer for all involved it sounds to me like you are both reacting a bit too emotionally. Not in a good way.  I get the feeling you are both freighting this with too much weight and tension and urgency. Urgency is bad.

My suggestion is: Make a date for sometime *after* the holidays. Not for some symbolic date like Xmas or New Years. Don't see each other until then. Then talk and see how you each feel.

I'm on vacation starting after New Year's, so this is when I plan to get together with her again. I don't think we're both going too fast at all. In fact, it was nice to hear some reassurance that she does enjoy my company, which encouraged me to continue forward. As I mentioned, I'm still guarding my heart and treading carefully. She's from a completely different culture, but I told her she's going to have to learn how to adapt to our culture if she wishes to stay here.

[Brian]

She's from a completely different culture, but I told her she's going to have to learn how to adapt to our culture if she wishes to stay here.

Hrm...this feels like a whole different can of worms...

I think the most difficult adapting my mom has had to do is dealing with American grocery store tomatoes being garbage 

[Mirror Image]

Hrm...this feels like a whole different can of worms...

I think the most difficult adapting my mom has had to do is dealing with American grocery store tomatoes being garbage 

What I mean is whatever culture you find yourself in, one has to learn to adapt to it and the first thing to do to want to fit in and understand it better would be to learn the language of the land. Since English seems to be the de facto of our country, one would have to learn it, which she is doing and I must say she's improving.

[Parsifal]

You probably don't want any advice from me, but having a friend from a different culture can be an extremely enriching experience. It will allow you to see that there are absurd things you take for granted in your own culture, while giving a window into another culture. My wife is from Russia, and just knowing her I found out that virtually everything that we heard about Soviet Union during the cold war was utterly wrong. If you can let go of the idea that it is impossible for you to have coffee or go to the movies with someone unless you are comfortable marrying that person, you might find it fun to know someone from a very different culture.

Regarding all of the answers you require from this person, I personally find it is best to judge people mainly by how they interact with me. If you earn the trust of that person you will eventually find out everything you need to know.

[Mirror Image]

You probably don't want any advice from me, but having a friend from a different culture can be an extremely enriching experience. It will allow you to see that there are absurd things you take for granted in your own culture, while giving a window into another culture. My wife is from Russia, and just knowing her I found out that virtually everything that we heard about Soviet Union during the cold war was utterly wrong. If you can let go of the idea that it is impossible for you to have coffee or go to the movies with someone unless you are comfortable marrying that person, you might find it fun to know someone from a very different culture.

Regarding all of the answers you require from this person, I personally find it is best to judge people mainly by how they interact with me. If you earn the trust of that person you will eventually find out everything you need to know.

Thanks a lot, Scarpia. I appreciate your input. I know we haven't been on the best of terms and I also know I've been an absolute jerk to you many times in the past. I'm sorry for everything I've said to you.

I have to say learning about Kate has been a rather enjoyable experience so far. I have found that the more I know is actually the less I know. I've been doing my best to keep an open-mind and whatever she wants to tell me, I'm all for that. On our second date, I pretty much dropped the whole role of interrogator. I don't want to come across as an ass. Life's too short for that kind of nonsense.

[vandermolen]

Thanks, Jeffrey. I'm just going where the mood strikes me. I'm not in a rush for anything right now other than to have a good time with someone that genuinely enjoys my company and loves being around me. Small steps at a time.

That sounds great John.

[Brian]

I don't want to come across as an ass. Life's too short for that kind of nonsense.