experiences with music

[Mozart]

I have to get up early tomorrow so naturally my brain won't shut up. I'm having all these thoughts about my experiences with music and I feel like writing them down to read later. I don't expect anyone else to read it but whatever...

Where to start? My thoughts never follow a linear path...

Music and me, I feel like we are an old married couple...I argue with it more than I enjoy its company now it seems...I definitely take it for granted. I have days when my ears seem to hear every detail and others where i cant even focus and completely ignore everything causing me big headaches. And then I have times when Im searching for something...always in vain...and i get angry at music for not filling my needs. Or worse when I think I want to listen to something and the first 30 seconds I find that it disgusted me and I didnt really want it. Its a complex relationship and Im beginning to wonder just how much of a nutjob i am. This relationship has definitely isolated me from the world, i have no way to relate to anyone anymore (not sure if ever i did) and im constantly in this other universe like if music is both what keeps me crazy and sane at the same time.

I find that music is like a drug...achh years ago when I first started with it, it just was so thrilling...like in most universities finding a parking spot is like winning the lottery, i would drive around for 30 minutes each day looking for where to park and at the time playing le nozze di figaro at full volume and id be completely lost in the music. i once had 2 girls in my math class, but pretty girls who found me to be an eccentric arrogant yet decent guy interested in me both at the same time and i didnt care at all why should I, I was discovering Beethoven's 7th. There was an obsession to it...i would meditate to it...i thought of nothing else...it really got me stoned like a drug, transcended me to another place. And I feel like in a way I've been chasing that feeling ever since. But the relationship turned sour...not sour but just like you get used to each other...i felt last year like i made no progress, i have to fight to discover each new work...it feels like i never hear anything new and everything old is old...already discovered every single detail....of course i realized just how many works i did discover in 1 year but at the same time i cant explain how it happens because from 1 day to another it just feels like no progress is made. But still 1 day without anything to listen to and its like im trying to quit smoking...

I also am starting to feel like I was pre selected to be a classical music fan, as if were a chosen group of weirdos. How exactly did I go from not knowing a thing about music to this? Much less opera? Opera? its the oddest thing on earth opera...yet i went to the library once checked out the marriage of figaro and for some reason studied it? the first time i heard it was like i dont know trying to.... well ive run out of any thought to equal it....but it wasnt particularly enjoyable why did i continue?


anyways blah blah blah shut up head ive gotta wake up in 6 hrs...

[jochanaan]

Classical music does tend to create obsessions in obsessive types.  Just look at the life of Glenn Gould!

As for music not giving you the same feelings every time, that's to be expected.  Humans have ups and downs, and you're not going to respond the same way during down times.  But like "an old married couple," the underlying love is probably always there.

Do you sing or play an instrument as well?  Listening is an essentially solitary activity, but playing is inherently social, even if it's just you playing.  No, you're not gonna play like Lang Lang or Midori right away, but it's much healthier to channel your obsessions into essentially creative activities like playing.  And once you get good enough to sing in a choir or play in a band or orchestra, then you've got a real chance, in fact a need, to connect with the others in the group.

[Mozart]

As for music not giving you the same feelings every time, that's to be expected.  Humans have ups and downs, and you're not going to respond the same way during down times.  But like "an old married couple," the underlying love is probably always there.

I do love it, but like a young relationship back in the time I felt so strongly about it. It literally was thrilling, I would ride the roller coaster of emotions and feelings which just doesn't happen nearly as intensely anymore. I still enjoy it but...its like I am chasing the intense feeling that I once had and can't find it. Maybe it awaken a dormant part of my brain like starting to lift weights, after awhile you don't feel sore anymore. The part of my brain that works to hear and follow music is strong and when i first started it was puny and thats why it felt more intense?

Do you sing or play an instrument as well? 

Unfortunately not, but I've thought of taking lessons. I've heard wind instruments aren't as difficult to play as stringed onces, so maybe I could learn to play basic tunes one day on the clarinet. My favorite instrument is the cello, but I've heard its one of the most difficult to play. If not the clarinet, I love the sound of the harpsichord, but where do you find a harpsichord teacher, much less a harpsichord?

[jochanaan]

I do love it, but like a young relationship back in the time I felt so strongly about it. It literally was thrilling, I would ride the roller coaster of emotions and feelings which just doesn't happen nearly as intensely anymore. I still enjoy it but...its like I am chasing the intense feeling that I once had and can't find it. Maybe it awaken a dormant part of my brain like starting to lift weights, after awhile you don't feel sore anymore. The part of my brain that works to hear and follow music is strong and when i first started it was puny and thats why it felt more intense?

Then try finding some music that's new to you. And since you seem to be an intense sort of person, don't shy away from intense music like Mahler or Schoenberg or Crumb.

Unfortunately not, but I've thought of taking lessons. I've heard wind instruments aren't as difficult to play as stringed onces, so maybe I could learn to play basic tunes one day on the clarinet. My favorite instrument is the cello, but I've heard its one of the most difficult to play. If not the clarinet, I love the sound of the harpsichord, but where do you find a harpsichord teacher, much less a harpsichord?

If you can play piano, you can play harpsichord, and there are plenty of piano teachers.  As for woodwinds, it depends.  Flute and clarinet are probably a little easier than most bowed strings, but the oboe and bassoon are two of the most difficult instruments in the orchestra.  (The other is the horn.)  However, it must also be said that any instrument is hard to learn to play well.

My twin nieces both play cello, and they got pretty good in a relatively short time.

[secondwind]

I also am starting to feel like I was pre selected to be a classical music fan, as if were a chosen group of weirdos.

Welcome to the weirdos group!  Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, agonstic or atheist, we ARE the chosen people!  When you feel like you're the only one, it should be a comfort to know that groups like this forum and similar on-line groups are proof that there are a lot of us.  So, you are not alone in your obsession.

You wrote about wanting music to fill your needs, and being disappointed when it doesn't.  I think that music can probably help you to identify your needs, but then it is up to you to find a way to fill them.  I suspect that when you first discovered your love of music, you were also discovering some things about yourself.  I think you learned (maybe to your surprise?) that you were capable of deep emotions, overwhelming passions, and transcendent joy.  You learned this through music, but for most of us, music cannot be the sole or even primary source of these emotions (professional performers and composers may be different).  What else are you doing (or should you be doing) in your life that would lead to these experiences? Do you have a lover you would die for?  Are you trying to change the world for the better?  Do you spend a lot of time being kind to small children and animals?  Do you fight against injustice?  In my experience, any time I blame the other in a relationship for not filling my needs, and I feel the relationship going stale or cold, it is because there is something I need to be doing for myself that I am not doing, usually because I am afraid of taking whatever risk would be required.  So in your relationship with music, I think that you have not held up your end.  Take a step toward your personal calling or destiny, whatever it is, and I am certain that you will discover music that resonates within you, and the experience will be at least as powerful as that first roller coaster ride. 

Also, I agree with Jochanaan that being a maker of music would be a good thing for you. I find that I have a very different experience of music that I perform--that I am inside it, and part of it, in a way that is not possible for me as a listener.  Also, it will bring you into the orbit of other weirdos (music lovers), so that you can have a social life in which you can talk about your experiences with music with people who understand what you're talking about.  As a clarinetist, I'd say, learn cello!   At least cellists don't have to worry about reeds!   But seriously, if you are drawn to a particular instrument, learn that instrument.  Don't be discouraged by anyone saying "Oh, that's a hard one" or whatever.  Anything worth doing is difficult.  Finding a teacher for any instrument won't be all that difficult once you've decided. 

[Mozart]

Well secondwind, I had to read your post 3 times over the last 2 days just because you've made so much sense and almost understand my feelings better than I do. I am not even sure how to answer now.

[jochanaan]

Well secondwind, I had to read your post 3 times over the last 2 days just because you've made so much sense and almost understand my feelings better than I do. I am not even sure how to answer now.

No need.  Just give us a report on your first music lessons!