Anger Management

[DavidRoss]

Ray--have you tried Thorazine?

[Brahmsian]

Ray--have you tried Thorazine?

No, I haven't David.  Not sure I want to be on any more meds. 

[Harpo]

Okay, welcome to Seethers Anonymous.  I have the same pattern, and it is something I have been working on for the last three decades or so (just to dash any hope you might have that there's a quick fix).

Great post, as usual!

I had anger outbursts, probably from birth, often for no particular reason. I also had a "stifle your feelings" family: nature and nurture. I can remember some particularly embarrassing tantrums, and inexplicable depressions, in high school and young adulthood .   I was relieved when I was finally diagnosed with a real mood disorder, a mild form of bipolar, and could make some sense of my emotional history. Meds specifically for bipolar have helped a lot, although I would be thrilled not to take them. When I get angry now, at least I can point to a reason.

Expressing your anger as it happens is very effective, but I agree that it's easier said than done, since for many of us it has led to rejection in the past. Sometimes I just walk from away from what (or who) is bothering me (if they are nonessential), just eliminate them from my life.

The tide of emotions is fascinating and terrible.

[Brahmsian]

If I ever hear this Black-Eyed Peas song or any portion to the lyrics "I gotta feeling", I will go on a shooting rampage.

I gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good good night (x3)
Tonight's the night night
Let's live it up
I got my money
Let's spend it up
Go out and smash it
Like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Let's get get OFF
I know that we'll have a ball
If we get down
And go out
And just loose it all
I feel stressed out
I wanna let it go
Lets go way out spaced out
And loosing all control
Fill up my cup
Mozoltov
Look at her dancing
Just take it off
Lets paint the town
We'll shut it down
Let's burn the roof
And then we'll do it again

Lets Do it (x3)
And live it up
I gotta feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good good night (x2)
Tonight's the night
Let's live it up
I got my money
Lets spend it up
Go out and smash it
Like Oh My God
Jump off that sofa
Lets get get OFF
Fill up my cup (Drink)
Mozolotov (Lahyme)
Look at her dancing (Move it Move it)
Just take it off
Lets paint the town
We'll shut it down
Lets burn the roof
And then we'll do it again
Lets do it (x3)
Let's live it up
Here we come
Here we go
We gotta rock
Easy come
Easy go
Now we on top
Feel the shot
Body rock
Rock it don't stop
Round and round
Up and down
Around the clock
Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday,
Saturday and Sunday
Get get get get get
With us you know what we say
Party everyday p-p-p-party
Party everyday
I gotta feeling that tonight gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good night
That tonight's gonna be a good good night(x2)

[oabmarcus]

No, not the movie. 

I have an anger problem.  I'm what you would call a 'seether', or 'bottle-up 'er'.  I seem calm on the inside for 99.9% of the time, and it could be months....but then I'll have a meltdown (swearing, throwing things, slamming doors, bring up something that might have bother me weeks or months ago, etc.)  Never have I been physically violent to a person.

Does anyone else have or has had issues with anger in the past, and what are some of the tools or tricks you have used to deal with it?

A punching bag? 

Well, you could channel your anger into doing physical exercise.  Playing a team sport, lifting weights, you know, like what prisoners do in Prison.

[greg]

If I ever hear this Black-Eyed Peas song or any portion to the lyrics "I gotta feeling", I will go on a shooting rampage.

If I ever hear another pop song within the next 48 hours, I'll join you.

...
...
...oh, wait, that's pretty much impossible unless I hide in my room the whole time.

[Brahmsian]

...oh, wait, that's pretty much impossible unless I hide in my room the whole time.

That's the thing that bothers me the most, Greg.  Unless one completely shuts themselves in a sound proof room for eternity, you can't escape hearing pop music.  It is everywhere and it is just unavoidable.

[greg]

Yeah, I might have to start bringing the mp3 player around to the grocery store more.
At least in bookstores they play jazz- music that I respect and have no problem listening to! 

[DavidW]

That's the thing that bothers me the most, Greg.  Unless one completely shuts themselves in a sound proof room for eternity, you can't escape hearing pop music.  It is everywhere and it is just unavoidable.

Really?  I never hear it.  The radio here doesn't even broadcast the new pop songs, the stores don't play music, and mtv and vh1 don't play music videos (except at strange times).  It seems that you have to go out of your way to hear pop music!

[greg]

Really?  I never hear it.  The radio here doesn't even broadcast the new pop songs, the stores don't play music, and mtv and vh1 don't play music videos (except at strange times).  It seems that you have to go out of your way to hear pop music!

Where I work, they play a mixture of old pop and new pop. I guess I don't like the stuff because it feels like I have to make myself dumber to be able to enjoy it. (At least that's my best guess).

[DavidW]

Where I work, they play a mixture of old pop and new pop. I guess I don't like the stuff because it feels like I have to make myself dumber to be able to enjoy it. (At least that's my best guess).

That's terrible dude.  How does that create a good work environment?  Oh wait, do you work at a store?

[Joe Barron]

No, not the movie. 

I have an anger problem.  I'm what you would call a 'seether', or 'bottle-up 'er'.  I seem calm on the inside for 99.9% of the time, and it could be months....but then I'll have a meltdown (swearing, throwing things, slamming doors, bring up something that might have bother me weeks or months ago, etc.)  Never have I been physically violent to a person.

Does anyone else have or has had issues with anger in the past, and what are some of the tools or tricks you have used to deal with it?

A punching bag? 

My mother had much the same problem. As i recall, she successfully managed her anger by taking it out on her children.

[secondwind]

Ouch! 

[Brahmsian]

Going to a free, 3 hour, Anger Management workshop today. 

Looking forward to it.

[karlhenning]

Bust heads, Ray! : )

[DavidRoss]

My mother had much the same problem. As i recall, she successfully managed her anger by taking it out on her children.

...er...  and 

Going to a free, 3 hour, Anger Management workshop today. 

Looking forward to it.

Cool, Ray.  I just saw my flippant response several months back and hope that I didn't leave it at that.  Did we swap some PMs on the topic? 

Anyway, I hope you've made some progress and that this workshop will prove fruitful for you.  For me, nothing has helped more than increasing acceptance of others as imperfect children of God struggling to find their way as best they know--just like me!--and focusing my efforts and attention on healing my own wounds and correcting my own mistaken assumptions instead of on others' shortcomings...and learning to look for the good in others and to appreciate their progress instead of being quick to judge them harshly and see only their failings.

I still have a long way to go, but it's been more than 20 years since I felt the need to chase some jerk down and offer instruction in proper highway etiquette!    And I think living in faith has a lot to do with my growing ability to let things go and to forgive instead of stewing over resentments and letting them burn like acid, etching painful wounds in my soul. 

And the more progress I make in forgiving, the less often I find myself already preset to the pissed-off position!     

[karlhenning]

Bust heads, Ray! : )

I withdraw the exhortation, your honors!

[Brahmsian]

Cool, Ray.  I just saw my flippant response several months back and hope that I didn't leave it at that.  Did we swap some PMs on the topic? 

Anyway, I hope you've made some progress and that this workshop will prove fruitful for you.  For me, nothing has helped more than increasing acceptance of others as imperfect children of God struggling to find their way as best they know--just like me!--and focusing my efforts and attention on healing my own wounds and correcting my own mistaken assumptions instead of on others' shortcomings...and learning to look for the good in others and to appreciate their progress instead of being quick to judge them harshly and see only their failings.

I still have a long way to go, but it's been more than 20 years since I felt the need to chase some jerk down and offer instruction in proper highway etiquette!    And I think living in faith has a lot to do with my growing ability to let things go and to forgive instead of stewing over resentments and letting them burn like acid, etching painful wounds in my soul. 

And the more progress I make in forgiving, the less often I find myself already preset to the pissed-off position!     

I did not take your comment as flippant, David.

The workshop was a little too basic, and was not the 'hands on', 'role play scenario', therapeutic  type of workshop I would have hoped for.  I still got some use out of the class, but I need something much more in depth, and does not run through the basics of 'what is anger' and the 'types of anger', etc.  It was a free program, so what should I expect, really?

My wife has a program she took years ago that was very, very useful for her, and we are going to try and see if it is still available.  And it works on a donation basis, where you give as much as you feel you can, based on your current financial situation.

What I want most is more tools for stopping the escalation of anger, as it surges very quickly and unexpectantly at times.  I'm getting better at recognizing this, but not good enough yet!

[secondwind]

Ray, there are a few things I've learned over the years (uh, decades) that help me de-escalate when I feel my blood beginning to boil.  First is to keep track of my physical reactions and change them.  Some of the first signs I get that I'm approaching meltdown are physical--my jaw tightens, I find I'm actually holding my breath, my hands clench into fists and/or I feel the muscles in one leg tensing as if to kick something (or someone!).  It helps if I consciously relax whatever muscles have tensed--relax the jaw, take a deep breath, relax my hands and arms and legs.  It is surprising, but this actually helps me maintain control, and it buys me some time. 

Sometimes, I'll decide at that point to just walk away from the situation.  But that is not always possible.  If I have to stay in the situation and deal with it, whatever it is, I next try a thought that helps me put the situation in perspective.  One of the ones I use is "Will this matter in a year? 10 years? 50 years?  100 years?"  Sometimes when I look at the situation in the larger framework, I realize that it isn't that important, and I'm able to let go of a lot of the anger.  Another thing I do is to study people I know who handle difficult situations very well.  I actually memorize some of the things they say, so that I'll have those words available to me when I need them  It may sound artificial, but I figure I had almost 20 years of studying a couple of bad examples of dealing with anger (yup, mom and dad), so I need to work hard to replace those role models with better ones.  (Just in the anger thing--my parents weren't bad role models in everything!) 

I also try to avoid situations that might send me into orbit.  For example, I don't take it well when people don't show up for an appointment or planned activity, so I usually reconfirm plans a day in advance.  I try to be prepared with a plan for dealing with situations where I can anticipate trouble but don't have a way to prevent it.   I think of the possible things that might happen and decide in advance how I'll respond to each one.  That way, I'm not ad libbing when I'm angry.  It is much safer at that point for me to stick to a script I wrote out for myself when I was calm and in my right mind. 

I don't know if any of these techniques will help you, but give them a try.  Like anything else, they take practice.  Any I haven't found any sure way to prevent all angry reactions--every once in awhile, I still blow up at someone, but it is nowhere near as often as in the past, and nowhere near as virulent, and I usually apologize just about immediately.  I agree with everything Mike said about the importance of forgiveness.  I would just add that sometimes the person I most need to forgive is myself, especially after a bad outburst of temper. 

I wish you success with your anger management project.  I hope you find programs and resources that are helpful for you.  Change is possible, it's just not easy.

[mc ukrneal]

Ray, there are a few things I've learned over the years (uh, decades) that help me de-escalate when I feel my blood beginning to boil.  First is to keep track of my physical reactions and change them.  Some of the first signs I get that I'm approaching meltdown are physical--my jaw tightens, I find I'm actually holding my breath, my hands clench into fists and/or I feel the muscles in one leg tensing as if to kick something (or someone!).  It helps if I consciously relax whatever muscles have tensed--relax the jaw, take a deep breath, relax my hands and arms and legs.  It is surprising, but this actually helps me maintain control, and it buys me some time. 

Sometimes, I'll decide at that point to just walk away from the situation.  But that is not always possible.  If I have to stay in the situation and deal with it, whatever it is, I next try a thought that helps me put the situation in perspective.  One of the ones I use is "Will this matter in a year? 10 years? 50 years?  100 years?"  Sometimes when I look at the situation in the larger framework, I realize that it isn't that important, and I'm able to let go of a lot of the anger.  Another thing I do is to study people I know who handle difficult situations very well.  I actually memorize some of the things they say, so that I'll have those words available to me when I need them  It may sound artificial, but I figure I had almost 20 years of studying a couple of bad examples of dealing with anger (yup, mom and dad), so I need to work hard to replace those role models with better ones.  (Just in the anger thing--my parents weren't bad role models in everything!) 

I also try to avoid situations that might send me into orbit.  For example, I don't take it well when people don't show up for an appointment or planned activity, so I usually reconfirm plans a day in advance.  I try to be prepared with a plan for dealing with situations where I can anticipate trouble but don't have a way to prevent it.   I think of the possible things that might happen and decide in advance how I'll respond to each one.  That way, I'm not ad libbing when I'm angry.  It is much safer at that point for me to stick to a script I wrote out for myself when I was calm and in my right mind. 

I don't know if any of these techniques will help you, but give them a try.  Like anything else, they take practice.  Any I haven't found any sure way to prevent all angry reactions--every once in awhile, I still blow up at someone, but it is nowhere near as often as in the past, and nowhere near as virulent, and I usually apologize just about immediately.  I agree with everything Mike said about the importance of forgiveness.  I would just add that sometimes the person I most need to forgive is myself, especially after a bad outburst of temper. 

I wish you success with your anger management project.  I hope you find programs and resources that are helpful for you.  Change is possible, it's just not easy.

Some great ideas here.  I would add that the change is hard work and usually comes slower than we would like, but commitment to change and admission of the problem are huges steps in moving forward. We salute you!

I would add one thought of my own. Anger is something you can control. You are not a victim. It does not control you. You make a choice as to how you react and you decide to get angry or not angry. This sounds tough - and it is. I find that once you start thinking about anger in this way, it also helps to control it and release it better. It has certainly helped me, even though the idea of it royally pissed me off!! 

I hope this course you went to was useful.