Anger Management

[Brahmsian]

Thanks a lot, Secondwind and Ukrneal!  Some great tips indeed.

And I agree that anger is a choice (the relaying or the way you release your anger is a choice)

My wife can now see my anger as it starts to develop, and is able to warn me, even when I can't even see it coming up at times.  Also, if I feel that I am starting to get really pissed off, it helps for me to simply say "OK, I'm just warning you that I am starting to feel a little angry right now, or I'm feeling a little defensive right now."

My angry outbursts most often occur when I feel like I'm being attacked, or blamed for something.  I am very hard on myself, thus I get defensive when someone else tries to be 'hard on me', since I already beat myself up, I don't anyone else doing it to me. 

I'm now also much more aware of some of my physical and emotional symptoms that an anger outburst might be on the way.  Some of these signs for me are:

*Feeling hot, ears burning
*Face twitching (that's a sure tell sign for me)
*headache
*Grinding my teeth very, very hard
*Fist clenching
*Shaking
*Sweating, especially palms
*trouble breathing (holding my breath, not breathing properly)
*heartbeat racing
*heartburn
*feeling like my top is going to blow
*withdrawing, not talking
*feel like I need to throw something, or punch a wall, or slam a door
*feeling deflated

[secondwind]

I'm really glad you've been able to get in touch with the physical signs--your list and my list are a lot alike.  I also have that feeling that I'm about to blow my top--it feels like pressure rising up through my body to my head, increasing in intensity, and looking for a way out.  Yuck.  But really important to start to notice it.  It kind of a breakthrough for me when I began to identify the physical signs, and gradually to notice them earlier and earlier in the process, because it gave me a chance to change direction while I still had some control. 

I was thinking about this today, and I wanted to add that anger itself is not always such a bad thing.  It motivates us, it gives us a huge impetus to change something that needs to be changed--I mean, let's face it, there really are some things in the world that are worth being furious about.  The difficulty for me is in finding a useful direction for my anger, an appropriate and legitimate way to express appropriate and legitimate anger.  That's a lifetime challenge.