Giving Up My Piano

[Satzaroo]

A bit of background.  From grammar school through junior high, I continually was given piano lessons. I enjoyed playing at home, except when my father forced me to perform for company. Then, I got edgy, praying that I wouldn't hit a wrong note or mess up the tempo. As far as I remember, I did a good job. At least that's what my "audience" told me. To further bolster my confidence, all of my piano teachers reminded me that I had above average technique, whatever that meant. The culmination of my piano playing days was in the eighth grade.  In the auditorium where we were meeting for assembly, I played Rachmaninoff's "Prelude in C-Sharp Minor," a work that I had incessantly practiced for memory—and the toughest piece I had ever confronted.  The recital went remarkably well. I was ecstatic as the students and faculty clapped enthusiastically.

The next week, I fractured my wrist when I fell down a hill. For a few weeks, I wasn't able to play the piano.  Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I was relieved that I no longer—at least for awhile-- had to contend with the pressure to perform for anyone. When I returned to the piano, my right wrist made an annoying clicking sound every time I played.  I made myself believe that it ruined my concentration. Actually, I was glad to have an excuse to spend more time away from the piano. Soon, I gave up playing altogether. I had no regrets: I had paid my dues.

For twenty years, I went without playing the piano. But after I got married and we moved into a larger house, we decided to buy an upright, high-quality Baldwin piano that had exceptionally good bass. At first, I was uneasy at the keyboard.  I had trouble reading the notes to simple pieces, and I made lots of mistakes. But soon I gained traction and played progressively more difficult works-- from the "Fur Elise" to some of Mozart's sonatas. I played exclusively at home, except when we traveled to see my wife's relatives. They had little use for classical music, but they persevered as I played. I was proud of myself for going back to the piano.

Two things happened, however, that disillusioned me. When I later visited one of my own cousins, I played the "Fur Elise." Right afterwards, his wife said that she'd like to play it too. She started out the same way I did, but in the middle section, her tempo was much faster than mine. She explained that I needed to increase my speed accordingly. When I got back home, I couldn't play that quickly without hitting heaps of wrong notes, no matter how hard I practiced. The second blow came as I listened to some recordings of Mozart sonatas. I hardly recognized the first, third, and fourth movements because they were played at warp-fast speed. Even the second movements, which sounded more familiar, had intricate timing intervals that I knew that I could never approximate.  Instead of accepting my limitations, I stopped playing altogether. And having two children gave me a good excuse to continue boycotting the piano.

Only after my son and daughter left home did I start playing the piano again. But I made so many simple mistakes that I was once more ready to quit. Then I had an idea.  Scrap the music.  Just improvise. Make up melodies.  Let my fingers do the experimenting.  I loved the freedom of never having to hit a wrong note, because there were no wrong notes. I could play as I pleased. I actually came up with a few tunes. I was stress free for the first time at the piano, and I loved it.

Gradually, however, I tired of my new-found independence and played less and less. Now I rarely tinker at the keyboard. My computer keyboard has taken over.

Last week, my wife told me that in a few years, we will be giving our piano away to our youngest grandchild (now 6 months old). So if I am going to renew my piano playing, I'd better start thinking about it right now.

[jochanaan]

How strong is your compulsion to play?  Is it mostly a feeling that "I should be playing" or "I'd really like to be able to play this"--or is it a life-or-death compulsion like it is for so many of us?  From what you've told us, you've quit the thing for long periods before.  Was it a little death, or something less serious?  Can you transfer your wish to play into some other activity?

[MishaK]

Schlomo,

A couple of things:

1. Like jochanaan said, you have to figure out for yourself whether the frustration you feel from not being able to play as you'd like is greater than your own inner compulsion to express yourself through music. There is no reason to make yourself suffer out of some obligation to feel cultured by being able to play an instrument. On the other hand, if you do love the piano and do feel an urge to play, technical frustration should not lead you to give it up. There are ways to overcome it or keep it in check.

2. Don't be delusional. Figure out what your current technical level really is and work first on getting repertoire down that you can handle well, then increase the challenge very gradually. There is no point in frustrating yourself by working through works that are outside of your technical abilities. If you cannot assess the appropriate skill level of works yourself, hire a teacher or look for compendiums of works for different class levels. BTW, Mozart is not easy at all. I struggle with him too, and I have played continuously since age 7. As Rubinstein said: "Mozart is too easy for the amateurs and too hard for the professionals." What he meant is that his music seems so simple that amateurs often don't bother with it, while professionals realize just how mindbogglingly difficult it is to get it right. I think there is no harder composer to get his music to sing and sound natural. In the hands of beginners he invariably sounds deadly boring and simplistic. You may feel particularly frustrated because the music seems very simple to you but in fact is technically very challenging, only you're not aware how technically challenging it is, so you're really down about your pianistic abilities because you feel you can't even master something that simple. It's not simple at all! You may want to try some shorter pieces by Schumann, Grieg or Mendelssohn first. You will find them technically easier and musically more rewarding at your current technical level. PS: if you do want to play Mozart, listen to his operas A LOT! Everything makes a ton more sense if you know his operas backwards and forwards. Phrasing takes care of itself.

3. Musical instruments are very unforgiving if you didn't get the basics down in your youth. While there is a certain element of "you never forget to ride a bicycle" to piano technique, you have to get it right at the start and you have to keep it in shape. You may have played Rachmaninov at your peak, but if you sneaked by in your early days on talent alone and never did your scales and arpeggios properly, you will be somewhat screwed in old age and will find yourself facing an impossibly steep learning curve. Every piece for piano consists in some form of scales arpeggios and chords, or fragments thereof. All technique derives from that. If you don't have these down pat, you simply don't have mastery of the instrument and every time you are looking at a new score you will have to learn new technique just for *that* piece in particular, and again from square one for the next new piece. As painful as it is in older age, you have to do some technique exercises if you're not comfortable with your technique, whether it's Czerny or Pischna or your standard scales and arpeggios. Vary them with different dynamics, articulations, rhythms, etc.

4. Phuck the recordings! Seriously. Don't let anyone tell you what's the right tempo! Play any piece at the tempo that is comfortable for you. Repeat with different phrasings and articulations (change rhythms in difficult bits) until you are so comfortable you can play it in your sleep *at that slow tempo*. Then increase the tempo *very* gradually until you're comfortable at the new tempo, etc. until you have it at the tempo at which the piece to you sounds the way you want it to sound.

5. Most important: You have to enjoy this, or at least have a drive that makes you obsessed enough to get past rough patches due to your desire of reaching that goal you want. That goal need not and should not be to be able to play like [Argerich/Richter/Michelangeli/insert your piano idol of choice]. Very satisfying and very musical performances can be had with imperfect technique. Getting everything note-perfect does not in and of itself make for good music. Stop chasing literal perfection. It is not important.

[Satzaroo]

How strong is your compulsion to play?  Is it mostly a feeling that "I should be playing" or "I'd really like to be able to play this"--or is it a life-or-death compulsion like it is for so many of us?  From what you've told us, you've quit the thing for long periods before.  Was it a little death, or something less serious?  Can you transfer your wish to play into some other activity?

I get a rush when I feel that I am emotionally attuned to what I'm playing.  I start to sweat, and blood pulses in my ears. I get so involved that I am afraid to hit a wrong note and spoil the moment. The only way to reduce my anxiety is not to play at all.  Even improvising  often unnerves me. Maybe I'll resolve my ambivalence before my fingers become too arthritic.

[Satzaroo]

Schlomo,

A couple of things:

1. Like jochanaan said, you have to figure out for yourself whether the frustration you feel from not being able to play as you'd like is greater than your own inner compulsion to express yourself through music. There is no reason to make yourself suffer out of some obligation to feel cultured by being able to play an instrument. On the other hand, if you do love the piano and do feel an urge to play, technical frustration should not lead you to give it up. There are ways to overcome it or keep it in check.

2. Don't be delusional. Figure out what your current technical level really is and work first on getting repertoire down that you can handle well, then increase the challenge very gradually. There is no point in frustrating yourself by working through works that are outside of your technical abilities. If you cannot assess the appropriate skill level of works yourself, hire a teacher or look for compendiums of works for different class levels. BTW, Mozart is not easy at all. I struggle with him too, and I have played continuously since age 7. As Rubinstein said: "Mozart is too easy for the amateurs and too hard for the professionals." What he meant is that his music seems so simple that amateurs often don't bother with it, while professionals realize just how mindbogglingly difficult it is to get it right. I think there is no harder composer to get his music to sing and sound natural. In the hands of beginners he invariably sounds deadly boring and simplistic. You may feel particularly frustrated because the music seems very simple to you but in fact is technically very challenging, only you're not aware how technically challenging it is, so you're really down about your pianistic abilities because you feel you can't even master something that simple. It's not simple at all! You may want to try some shorter pieces by Schumann, Grieg or Mendelssohn first. You will find them technically easier and musically more rewarding at your current technical level. PS: if you do want to play Mozart, listen to his operas A LOT! Everything makes a ton more sense if you know his operas backwards and forwards. Phrasing takes care of itself.

3. Musical instruments are very unforgiving if you didn't get the basics down in your youth. While there is a certain element of "you never forget to ride a bicycle" to piano technique, you have to get it right at the start and you have to keep it in shape. You may have played Rachmaninov at your peak, but if you sneaked by in your early days on talent alone and never did your scales and arpeggios properly, you will be somewhat screwed in old age and will find yourself facing an impossibly steep learning curve. Every piece for piano consists in some form of scales arpeggios and chords, or fragments thereof. All technique derives from that. If you don't have these down pat, you simply don't have mastery of the instrument and every time you are looking at a new score you will have to learn new technique just for *that* piece in particular, and again from square one for the next new piece. As painful as it is in older age, you have to do some technique exercises if you're not comfortable with your technique, whether it's Czerny or Pischna or your standard scales and arpeggios. Vary them with different dynamics, articulations, rhythms, etc.

4. Phuck the recordings! Seriously. Don't let anyone tell you what's the right tempo! Play any piece at the tempo that is comfortable for you. Repeat with different phrasings and articulations (change rhythms in difficult bits) until you are so comfortable you can play it in your sleep *at that slow tempo*. Then increase the tempo *very* gradually until you're comfortable at the new tempo, etc. until you have it at the tempo at which the piece to you sounds the way you want it to sound.

5. Most important: You have to enjoy this, or at least have a drive that makes you obsessed enough to get past rough patches due to your desire of reaching that goal you want. That goal need not and should not be to be able to play like [Argerich/Richter/Michelangeli/insert your piano idol of choice]. Very satisfying and very musical performances can be had with imperfect technique. Getting everything note-perfect does not in and of itself make for good music. Stop chasing literal perfection. It is not important.

What an eloquent response. You really are a mensch. Thanks for the well-thought out advice. I will take it to heart.

[XB-70 Valkyrie]

Sounds as if you're letting everyone's expectations (including your own) ruin your musical enjoyment. Playing for the approval or appreciation of others, and comparing yourself to professional recording artists (who likely practice 8-12 hours a day) is a sure path to self-loathing and anxiety over performing. When I am practicing something, I try NOT to listen to recordings of that piece. Over the years, as pieces I'm working on develop, I am often surprised to find I like my own interpretations (technically flawed as they sometimes are) more than those of famous artists. Am I a better pianist than Gieseking? No, but I have a great teacher, and I've been working on Debussy's 1st Arabesque for a while now, and I like my approach more than Gieseking's. (He seems to really pound away on some of Debussy's pieces, and I think his Ravel is actually much more enjoyable.). In many cases, I think (esp. in Bach) that professional artists play too fast, simply because they can.

I like to shoot hoops occasionally, but watching Kobe Bryant on TV doesn't suck the enjoyment out of that. Make peace with the fact that there will always be someone better than you--at least at playing the piano. 

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that unless you are going to play for YOURSELF, and yourself alone, you will likely experience playing music as an exercise in suffering rather than joy.

Here is a book for overcoming yourself and letting go in life and in art:

http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Art-Archery-Eugen-Herrigel/dp/0375705090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1288072053&sr=8-1

[Satzaroo]

Sounds as if you're letting everyone's expectations (including your own) ruin your musical enjoyment. Playing for the approval or appreciation of others, and comparing yourself to professional recording artists (who likely practice 8-12 hours a day) is a sure path to self-loathing and anxiety over performing. When I am practicing something, I try NOT to listen to recordings of that piece. Over the years, as pieces I'm working on develop, I am often surprised to find I like my own interpretations (technically flawed as they sometimes are) more than those of famous artists. Am I a better pianist than Gieseking? No, but I have a great teacher, and I've been working on Debussy's 1st Arabesque for a while now, and I like my approach more than Gieseking's. (He seems to really pound away on some of Debussy's pieces, and I think his Ravel is actually much more enjoyable.). In many cases, I think (esp. in Bach) that professional artists play too fast, simply because they can.

I like to shoot hoops occasionally, but watching Kobe Bryant on TV doesn't suck the enjoyment out of that. Make peace with the fact that there will always be someone better than you--at least at playing the piano. 

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that unless you are going to play for YOURSELF, and yourself alone, you will likely experience playing music as an exercise in suffering rather than joy.

Here is a book for overcoming yourself and letting go in life and in art:

http://www.amazon.com/Zen-Art-Archery-Eugen-Herrigel/dp/0375705090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1288072053&sr=8-1

Thanks for your tough-love prescription for balance and serenity. I could sure use it.

[jochanaan]

I get a rush when I feel that I am emotionally attuned to what I'm playing.  I start to sweat, and blood pulses in my ears. I get so involved that I am afraid to hit a wrong note and spoil the moment. The only way to reduce my anxiety is not to play at all.  Even improvising  often unnerves me. Maybe I'll resolve my ambivalence before my fingers become too arthritic.

Hmmm...Try this: When you find a passage that's "too hard" for you or where you're scared of hitting wrong notes, stop "playing through" the piece and work only on that section.  Slowly, then faster, as you've learned.  Don't let yourself get upset at wrong notes; this is not "playing," it's a technical drill.  Set aside, for the moment, your desire to get everything right.  Then when you can play that hard passage without thinking about it, re-integrate it with the rest of the piece.

Oh, and when you hit a wrong note?  (I don't say "if;" we all do.)  Forget it!  Keep playing.

In other words, keep your technical drills separate from your playing.  If that means that most of your practice time is technical drills--then so be it, for a while.  That's the case for most great musicians.

I really think you can work through this!  Most of us performers are familiar with that element of fear that we'll make a mistake.  But we cannot let it paralyze us.  Instead, we use the energy given by the fear in the performance itself.  It's a hard thing to explain, but eventually, instead of "I hope I don't make a mistake!" we find ourselves thinking "I CAN DO THIS!"  The fear is not gone, not wholly; but instead of freezing us, it gives us that extra bit of strength to play through a big piece like one of the Rachmaninoff preludes--or a Mozart sonata, as O Mensch says so well.

But, as others say, be realistic.  Don't set yourself unreachable goals--yet live on the edge if that's where you like to live.

[Satzaroo]

Hmmm...Try this: When you find a passage that's "too hard" for you or where you're scared of hitting wrong notes, stop "playing through" the piece and work only on that section.  Slowly, then faster, as you've learned.  Don't let yourself get upset at wrong notes; this is not "playing," it's a technical drill.  Set aside, for the moment, your desire to get everything right.  Then when you can play that hard passage without thinking about it, re-integrate it with the rest of the piece.

Oh, and when you hit a wrong note?  (I don't say "if;" we all do.)  Forget it!  Keep playing.

In other words, keep your technical drills separate from your playing.  If that means that most of your practice time is technical drills--then so be it, for a while.  That's the case for most great musicians.

I really think you can work through this!  Most of us performers are familiar with that element of fear that we'll make a mistake.  But we cannot let it paralyze us.  Instead, we use the energy given by the fear in the performance itself.  It's a hard thing to explain, but eventually, instead of "I hope I don't make a mistake!" we find ourselves thinking "I CAN DO THIS!"  The fear is not gone, not wholly; but instead of freezing us, it gives us that extra bit of strength to play through a big piece like one of the Rachmaninoff preludes--or a Mozart sonata, as O Mensch says so well.

But, as others say, be realistic.  Don't set yourself unreachable goals--yet live on the edge if that's where you like to live.

You have reinforced one of the Al-anon slogans that I fitfully try to apply to my life: Progress, not Perfection.

[jochanaan]

You have reinforced one of the Al-anon slogans that I fitfully try to apply to my life: Progress, not Perfection.

Indeed.  You don't get perfection.  At least not in this life. So progress is all you can reasonably expect.