Thinking of becoming a parent?

[Mark]

As a father-to-be, I found this perturbing. No doubt you lot will find it amusing:



Are You Ready for Children?

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.  Put on a blindfold.  Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.  Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging.  Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand.  Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

[George]

The answer to the question is NO!

[orbital]

The answer to the question is NO!

No!

[George]

No!

So are you saying No to my No and therefore saying yes, or are you saying No? 

[Kullervo]

I highly doubt every child is a living nightmare. I plan on adopting a child, but that will not happen soon.

[Heather Harrison]

I was a living nightmare.  Needless to say, I expect children to be at least as bad as I was, and I have chosen not to have any.  I have a lot of respect for people who have children, put up with all of the trouble, and come out of the experience with their sanity somewhat intact.  I know I couldn't do it.

Heather

[orbital]

So are you saying No to my No and therefore saying yes, or are you saying No? 

I upped your font size by 5 pts 

[George]

I upped your font size by 5 pts 

Could we be MORE defensive? 

[orbital]

Could we be MORE defensive? 

No 

[George]

No 

[wintersway]

As a parent of 4 children, 2 boys and 2 girls. I found that quite amusing. I will say though, that having kids are my raison d'être. They define me and I, in turn, define them. Plus it's fun as hell!

[George]

Plus it's fun a hell!

Were you trying to type "it's fun in hell" or "fun as hell?" 

I'm guessing it's the latter?

[wintersway]

LOL edited for clarity!

[Bogey]

They define me and I, in turn, define them. Plus it's fun as hell!

Post of the day!  

We love being a parents Mark.  Are there challenges?  Sure.  But with most things worth while in life there are....

My only advice, enjoy each and every second because you will literally turn around one day and years will have vanished....trust me.

[George]

LOL edited for clarity!

Glad you understood (and appreciated) that I was kidding! 

[Solitary Wanderer]

I chose not to have kids BUT...

...the women I married had an 11 year old daughter so I ended up being a step-father to a teenager [shudder].

They were trying times with healthy doses of love thrown in. There were plenty of 'interesting' episodes.

Shes always referred to me as her 'parent'.

She left home when she was 18 [to travel] and she just had her 23rd birthday.

I'm glad I've experienced 'parenting' but I wouldn't want it again. My wife says I missed out on 'the good part'.

I had a laugh at your list Mark; imagine your precious cd collection being thrown around the room by a 2 year old pyschopath

[Don]

Kids are fine; parents are the problem.

[Mark]

Thanks for the positive (and humorously not-so-positive) comments, guys. I actually laughed at this. Then I shuddered!

[orbital]

If it is something that two (even a single person) people want, it sure must be a good thing. For me, I never wanted to have children (thankfully my wife too thus far). It is way too much responsbility with -more often than not- mediocre results 

[hornteacher]

My wife and I wanted one.  We got one, then we stopped.  We love her very much, but one is enough!