50 Things That Only Happen in the Movies

[Greta]

So funny, and mostly true...

From this site.

1.  You're very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.  Then you're in trouble

2.  The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris

3.  Computer passwords are easy to crack - they are always the third thing you think of

4.  When the hero and baddie finally meet, both guns are immediately lost and they'll take it in turns to punch each other

5.  All beds have special L-shaped sheets which reach to armpit level on women but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her

6.  When listening back to answer phone messages, people will casually wander into the kitchen for the first two short messages, but run to the answer phone for the third call (mother/killer/dead friend etc)

7.  When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish

8.  People deal with stressful, life threatening situations by making quick witted quips

9.  No-one, but no-one uses Microsoft Windows – everyone uses unique operating systems.  All of these computer systems, however mundane, are full of animated graphics and enormous download bars in the middle of the screen   

10.  When paying for a taxi, you don't need to look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare

11.  The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected

12.  It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" in telephone conversations.  Also, if you've been disconnected it's always worth frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly

13.  If our hero gets into a fight, he will invariable end up with a small cut in the right corner of his mouth.  He'll make sure he wipes the blood on the back of his hand, and give it a disapproving look

14.  Anyone can land a plane perfectly as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down

15.  Sex is always begun in the missionary position and finished with the woman on top

16.  Shots fired at people hiding around corners always strike the edge of the building exploding some brickwork near the character's face

17.  On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees have been perched precariously on the dashboard

18.  Being an aging detective and drinking whiskey alone in a bar makes you irresistible to women

19.  If a good person dies with their eyes open, a friend will tenderly close them. If a villain dies with his eyes open the camera will linger on his face until just before the actor has to blink

20.  Every single sporting event is won by the underdogs with a last second winner

21.  All phone numbers, regardless of where they are, have the area code 555

22.  When a plane is low on fuel, it helps to tap the fuel gauge – this even works on multi-million pound jet planes

23.  Only men are alcoholics. But luckily, any alcoholic can quit drinking instantly when faced with an important challenge. Not only that, the instant he stops drinking, all his faculties return and he won't suffer any withdrawal

24.  Dogs always know who's bad, and bark at them 

25.  All bombs have different coloured wires, so the hero can easily differentiate which one he needs to cut

26.  If someone has "fixed" the foot-brakes in a car, the driver won't use the hand-brake and gears to slow down – but proceeds to drive at high speed through a busy city

27.  Anyone who sheepishly picks up a musical instrument and is humble about their ability can play like a professional

28.  If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will be able to dance and know all the steps

29.  In a spaceship battles, weapons can only be fired when you are in visual range

30.  It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside any building you're visiting

31.  All things are bullet proof – cars, tables, other bodies etc

32.  All police services (particularly in New York) have an unlimited supply of police cars. They also have the unluckiest (and worst trained) drivers, resulting in head on collisions, smashing parked cars, falling into water and of course the obligatory flying-roll, causing the car to land upside down and crushing the lights (with the siren fizzling out as if it's run out of batteries)

33.  Television news bulletins usually contain a story which affects you personally at the precise moment you turn it on – after which you turn the TV off. 

34.  During all police investigations it is obligatory to visit a strip club at least once

35.  Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. The only exception to this is if it's the door to a burning building with a child inside, in which case you have to shoulder-barge it

36.  All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode

37.  Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, you don't need to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers speak English to each other

38.  Once applied, lipstick never rubs off. Even when scuba diving

39.  Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party)

40.  When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises whilst wearing their most revealing underwear

41.  All grocery shopping involves the purchase of a French loaf and fruit which is placed into two large, open brown paper bags

42.  Don't panic if you're heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until it's their turn to fight

43.  Whenever a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback

44.  Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You will always find another one

45.  All single women have a cat

46.  Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet

47.  No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged

48.  If being chased through a city you can usually find cover in a passing carnival or parade

49.  One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than they have of killing him.  Baddies and Henchmen have no gun training and fire in wild panic when confronted by the hero

50.  All Englishmen are evil, but clever – but never actually clever enough to kill their nemesis though.  Rather, they devise elaborate devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers, man-eating sharks etc

[Symphonien]

Haha, so true indeed.

Thanks for posting, Greta.

[techniquest]

Annnnndd......

51. If a woman is alone in a haunted house and hears a noise, she will creep around dark rooms to find the cause rather than running out of the house immediately!

52. Big Ben / St Pauls can be seen from every window in London

53. When text comes up on any computer, it makes a noise.

54. 'Teenagers' in horror films are always aged around 25 - 30

55. When said teenagers are being pursued by some maniac or demonic figure, they always find it better to split-up.

[M forever]

9.  No-one, but no-one uses Microsoft Windows – everyone uses unique operating systems.  All of these computer systems, however mundane, are full of animated graphics and enormous download bars in the middle of the screen   

These screens are actually *designed* that way so you can better see what happens (money downloads to the offshore account, accessing secret CIA files, etc). Plus the monitors used are synched to the camera so that the image is stable without flickering and the "wandering bar" effect.

37.  Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, you don’t need to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers speak English to each other

Not always true. In "Guns of Navarone", Gregory Peck's character is supposed to speak German fluently, but when they overwhelm a German guard and the phone in his post rings, Peck answers the phone in German with a horribly bad accent, and the officer on the other end immediately rings the alarm. Oops.

[Ten thumbs]

It struck me many years ago that if a certain magic piano played the Minute Waltz in one minute, the result musically would be gibberish.

[Sergeant Rock]

56. When any team with weapons (Swat, military) charges into a dangerous situation, even when stealth is required, the leader will yell, Move, move, move, even though the team is already moving and knows exactly what to do.

57. Soldiers pronouce ASAP by saying each letter: A_S_A_P. Doesn't happen in real life. It's pronouced as a two syllable word: A SAP, stress on the A.

58. When a superior army officer yells at a subordinant, the subordinant will scream back, Sir, yes sir. No soldier has ever said that. That's something that happens in Marine boot camp, I believe, where noncommissioned officers are called Sir and trainees are supposed to scream all the time. Once you get out of training, the screaming stops    In the army you don't call noncoms sir...ever! Sergeants consider it an insult. You say, Yes, Sergeant. Or if it's an officer, Yes, sir.

59. No one ever finishes a meal or a drink in Hollywood films. Often they don't even begin to eat or drink even though they've prepared it or ordered it at a restaurant. This rule is never broken when two people become romantically involved. One of them will spend all day preparing the most elaborate, romantic dinner imaginable, with a table set with candles, champagne bottle open and chilling. When the other walks in and sees the feast, do they sit down and consume it? No, they immediately embrace, kiss and proceed to the bedroom while the dinner goes cold, the bubbly flat.

Sarge

[KevinP]

60. Thunder and lightning always occur at the same time.
61. Everybody calls each other by their last name.
62. When police are getting ready to bust the big operation, they come with their sirens blaring.
63. If someone hangs up on the main character, he'll look quizzically at the phone.

[KevinP]

53. When text comes up on any computer, it makes a noise.

And they're displayed one character at a time, quickly but hardly instantaneously, with a flashing cursor at the end.

[Florestan]

64. A guy riding a horse can stop a taking-off plane by throwing a lasso around it and pulling hard, hard, hard. (an Indian movie).
65. Somebody who's just been shot will jump back 2 meters, presumably because of the bullet's momentum, but the guy shooting him will stay on his spot motionless. This however doesn't apply to someone shot by a firing squad: s/he'll fall to the ground on the spot.
66. Anyone can jump through a window and get on the other side without a scratch although the window breaks into a million pieces.
67. 9 out of 10 car collisions results in a big explosion.
68. Each and every tiny US village is inhabited by at least one psychopath.

(IMHO the absolute leader of absurdities contradicting almost any basic physical law is the modern James Bond series.)

[Sergeant Rock]

60. Thunder and lightning always occur at the same time.

Good one. I never noticed that before but you're absolutely right.

Sarge

[karlhenning]

So funny, and mostly true...

18.  Being an aging detective and drinking whiskey alone in a bar makes you irresistible to women

I've always known this, and yet I've disregarded its lesson . . . .

[karlhenning]

It struck me many years ago that if a certain magic piano played the Minute Waltz in one minute, the result musically would be gibberish.

Most painfully, they managed to fall into this goof in (what I find) the otherwise delightful Impromptu, with Hugh Grant curtly telling Judy Davis that he will give her "one minute," and of course starting to play the D-flat waltz. . . .

[karlhenning]

2.  The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris

Without at all diminishing the pleasure I take in this tally of improbabilities . . . it's probably time to point out that movies give the impression of real life, or of life 'more real than real life' . . . but what see in a movie is not going to be realistic any more than a canvas is.  The fact is, that there are stylizations, and the bending of truth, and the accumulation of stock gestures/shots/frames, which are part of storytelling.  (If you don't simply see Le tour Eiffel out the window, you need some other cue to define place.)

Nothing would make a duller movie, than running the camera for ninety minutes of real life.  (Which is why "reality TV" is so overscripted and edited, of course).

[Mozart]

69. Mozart's Serenade in G is always played in the background of any diner party.

70. It only takes 1 movement of Vivaldi's 4 seasons to have an entire meal\. (pretty woman)

[greg]

Nothing would make a duller movie, than running the camera for ninety minutes of real life.  (Which is why "reality TV" is so overscripted and edited, of course).

yeah, wouldn't it make for a thrilling 90 minutes to watch us all on the computer post here?
i mean, that'll be an amazing idea for a reality TV show! 

[Florestan]

71. If you are a 22-year woman, blonde and measure 90-60-90 then you have a Ph. D. in Physics, Biology, Geology or whatever.

[karlhenning]

yeah, wouldn't it make for a thrilling 90 minutes to watch us all on the computer post here?
i mean, that'll be an amazing idea for a reality TV show! 

Get pitching to the suits, Greg! 

[greg]

Get pitching to the suits, Greg! 

i can envision it now......
a movie that's an hour and a half long. It's a sweltering Sunday afternoon (outside, at least). We start a topic about buggers and fiercely discuss their chemical compound. Then we discuss reading scores and Prokofiev recordings. But the plot is complex. Some people may go offline  .......

The camera swiftly movies between me, Larry, Karl, Bruce, back and forth until new characters are added while the log on. The plot unfolds and in the END!!!!!!!!!!!!!.............

the movie ends but.

but.

b-b-b-b-b-b-b-but um....... uh...... there really is no ending. The audience doesn't see how any of the threads end, and a lot of users are still logged in. But that's the whole mystery, it leaves them guessing. I guess you could call "A Day at GMG" a psychological thriller.

[Larry Rinkel]

72. Cars never have to be put into gear. They start automatically in drive.

[greg]

73. If you're in a large group in a life threatening mission, either none of them die if they're all young, but if they're adults, anywhere from one to everyone except the main hero will die.