The Joke Thread

[Kalevala]

I was hoping that someone had posted a good joke here today;it's tax day here.

K

[Roasted Swan]

Kalevala - just for you (an oldie but it makes me chuckle);

Julie Andrews said she bought a cheap lipstick that fell apart and made her breath stink;

Her super colour fragile lipstick gave her halitosis

[Kalevala]

Kalevala - just for you (an oldie but it makes me chuckle);

Julie Andrews said she bought a cheap lipstick that fell apart and made her breath stink;

Her super colour fragile lipstick gave her halitosis

Auuuuugggghhhh!   

And thank you! 

K

[Number Six]

and to reconstitute them, do you pour the boiling water over the powder, or add the powder to the water?  One way you end up with lumpy babies, but I can never remember which way round it is.......

"lumpy babies"

  I am laughing much harder at this than I probably ought to do.

[SimonNZ]

[LKB]

"lumpy babies"

  I am laughing much harder at this than I probably ought to do.

Leave a diapered infant unattended for too long, and you'll most definitely end up with a lumpy baby.

[Christo]

An oldie, ever heard of a Romanian. Comrade Ceaușescu is happy with all the honour he receives from the grateful Romanian people, but one day he takes the test. Early in the morning, he sneaks out of his palace and walks the streets. In a parkway, a man comes and sits beside him. They talk a bit about the weather, and after a while Ceaușescu taps the man on the shoulder and asks: say, my freiend, what do you think of comrade Ceaușescu? The man freezes, looks around nervously, and whispers: not here! Sorry, says Ceaușescu, and continues his walk with the man. After a while he becomes curious, the man has relaxed by now, so he taps him on the shoulder again and asks: here no one hears us, tell me, what do you think of Comrade Ceaușescu? The man freezes again, looks around nervously, and whispers: not here! Sorry, says Ceaușescu, and they continue their small talk. After half an hour, they are out of the city and walking in the countryside. Once again Ceaușescu taps the man on the shoulder and asks, tell me, friend, you can trust me, and here no one can hear us, you have made me really curious: what do you think of comrade Ceaușescu? The man freezes again, looks around nervously and asks: really, can no-one hear us? You can see that, Ceaușescu answers, and you can trust me. The man continues to look around nervously, but after a while he leans towards him and whispers behind his hand: well, I like him.

[Florestan]

An oldie, ever heard of a Romanian. Comrade Ceaușescu is happy with all the honour he receives from the grateful Romanian people, but one day he takes the test. Early in the morning, he sneaks out of his palace and walks the streets. In a parkway, a man comes and sits beside him. They talk a bit about the weather, and after a while Ceaușescu taps the man on the shoulder and asks: say, my freiend, what do you think of comrade Ceaușescu? The man freezes, looks around nervously, and whispers: not here! Sorry, says Ceaușescu, and continues his walk with the man. After a while he becomes curious, the man has relaxed by now, so he taps him on the shoulder again and asks: here no one hears us, tell me, what do you think of Comrade Ceaușescu? The man freezes again, looks around nervously, and whispers: not here! Sorry, says Ceaușescu, and they continue their small talk. After half an hour, they are out of the city and walking in the countryside. Once again Ceaușescu taps the man on the shoulder and asks, tell me, friend, you can trust me, and here no one can hear us, you have made me really curious: what do you think of comrade Ceaușescu? The man freezes again, looks around nervously and asks: really, can no-one hear us? You can see that, Ceaușescu answers, and you can trust me. The man continues to look around nervously, but after a while he leans towards him and whispers behind his hand: well, I like him.

Believe it or not, I didn't know it. A good one. 

[Karl Henning]

I was introduced to a famous microbiologist.  He was much larger than I expected.

I missed your post, and as a result I unwittingly duplicated.

[Karl Henning]

Not a joke, but an apparently genuine anecdote, courtesy of pianist Beth Levin:

Vernon Duke (1903-1969), US composer, born Vladimir Dukelsky in Russia; among his famous songs is "April in Paris." Inspired by Duke's famous song, a friend of his decided to spend three weeks in Paris one April. The weather was appalling, and when he returned he told Duke so. "Whatever possessed you to go to Paris in April" asked the composer. "The weather in Paris is always horrible in April." The astonished friend said, "But, I went there because of your song!" "Oh," said the composer apologetically. We really meant May, but the rhythm required two syllables.

[Karl Henning]

Shared by the immortal Philip Proctor:

From Adele:

📚 A group of four-year-olds were trying hard to get used to school. The biggest challenge? The teacher insisted on NO baby talk!

"You need to use Big People words," she reminded them.

"John, what did you do over the weekend?"

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People words!"

Then she asked Mitchell.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use Big People words!"

Then she asked little Johnny.

"I read a book," he said.

"That's WONDERFUL! What book did you read?"

Johnny thought very hard, puffed out his chest, and proudly said:

"Winnie the Sh*t." 🤣

[SimonNZ]

There was an old man
From Nantucket who said, "Wait,
Is this a haiku?"

[Number Six]

A Jewish classic:

Two gentile businessmen meet on the street.

One: So, how's business?
Two: Great!

[Karl Henning]

Seen on Bluesky:

I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before thinking, "And I don't even have a coconut!"

[Kalevala]

Seen on Bluesky:

I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before thinking, "And I don't even have a coconut!"

Grooooaaaannn! 

K

[DavidW]

Seen on Bluesky:

I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before thinking, "And I don't even have a coconut!"

As my colleague is fond of saying, "that is two-thirds of a pun... P U!"

[Cato]

I remember reading this when it first appeared: April 8, 1963.

[steve ridgway]

I remember reading this when it first appeared: April 8, 1963.

So that is where this comes from  .

[DavidW]

So that is where this comes from  .

I would change The Cure to Alan Pettersson! Which, funny enough, I'm planning on listening to his 9th today.

[Irons]

I asked for Octopus at a restaurant.
The waiter said it would take four hours.
I said why that long?
Waiter replied the Octopus keeps turning the gas off!