Dating or not dating.

[vandermolen]

Yeah, it was a cool chat. I learned some stuff about her. I would've stayed longer but she has an early start for work. Also, when I went to the park this morning I was doing my pull ups on the branch of a tree which I sort of fell off and landed awkwardly on my ankle. It's become kind of uncomfortable. So I'm off to self medicate now with a single malt whisky and Mahler.

Yes, hope your ankle is better soon. I was recently asked what I do when I go to the gym for exercise and the answer is: I read the newspapers, have a cappuccino and possibly a Twix bar.

[NikF]

Not good to hear about your ankle. Get some rest my friend.

Yes, hope your ankle is better soon.

Thanks, guys.  It got increasingly uncomfortable and so I went to the a&e where it was x-rayed and pronounced broken and had a splint put on. Now I'm back to self medicating with the single malt but this time in the company of RVW.  As ever, things could always be worse.

I was recently asked what I do when I go to the gym for exercise and the answer is: I read the newspapers, have a cappuccino and possibly a Twix bar.

What, no nap before heading off home again?   

[ComposerOfAvantGarde]

I...got...myself a tinder account yesterday...hmmmm.....i wonder how this will work out for me..................

[NikF]

Jessop: 
Chick: hi   
Jessop: how are you? 
Chick: fine. 'sup?   
Jessop: Gravity Falls, Boulez and hopefully you? 
...
Jessop: Hello? 

[ComposerOfAvantGarde]

Jessop: 
Chick: hi   
Jessop: how are you? 
Chick: fine. 'sup?   
Jessop: Gravity Falls, Boulez and hopefully you? 
...
Jessop: Hello? 

This is what I fear.

What I fear more is that someone will try to take advantage of me, or try to put me in situations where I don't feel comfortable (like what happened earlier this year when a composition student at a different music school asked me out a few times)

[NikF]

What I fear more is that someone will try to take advantage of me, or try to put me in situations where I don't feel comfortable (like what happened earlier this year when a composition student at a different music school asked me out a few times)

What way do you fear you'll be taken advantage of? Or if you don't want to answer that, do you feel that you can't assert yourself in certain situations?
Was it the fact that they kept asking you out that made you uncomfortable? Or that they wouldn't take 'no' for an answer or something?

[ComposerOfAvantGarde]

What way do you fear you'll be taken advantage of? Or if you don't want to answer that, do you feel that you can't assert yourself in certain situations?
Was it the fact that they kept asking you out that made you uncomfortable? Or that they wouldn't take 'no' for an answer or something?

\

So many questions

I am naturally just a very very cautious and shy person who also happens to be quite gullible and easily manipulated. The last time I was ever going out with someone......well, I basically just found it very difficult to say that I would prefer being friends (especially since my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me several months before). She tried to speed things into a relationship much quicker than I was comfortable with.......I really enjoyed seeing concerts of contemporary classical music with her as she was into that stuff as well, so we did that together.

I suppose what I don't like is when people try to change me in some way, or make me feel bad about who I am. There have been times in former friendships where my 'friends' had manipulated me into doing things that they would benefit from that put me in a bad or uncomfortable position and I would feel extraordinarily inadequate if I had been a 'bad friend' according to them. I just fall into these traps sometimes. That might be the reason why I am so cautious these days.

[NikF]

\

So many questions

I am naturally just a very very cautious and shy person who also happens to be quite gullible and easily manipulated. The last time I was ever going out with someone......well, I basically just found it very difficult to say that I would prefer being friends (especially since my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me several months before). She tried to speed things into a relationship much quicker than I was comfortable with.......I really enjoyed seeing concerts of contemporary classical music with her as she was into that stuff as well, so we did that together.

I suppose what I don't like is when people try to change me in some way, or make me feel bad about who I am. There have been times in former friendships where my 'friends' had manipulated me into doing things that they would benefit from that put me in a bad or uncomfortable position and I would feel extraordinarily inadequate if I had been a 'bad friend' according to them. I just fall into these traps sometimes. That might be the reason why I am so cautious these days.

Okay, thanks for answering all (4. Four. ) of those questions.

Going by your posts you seem like a friendly, bright, creative guy who has a huge passion for music. Those qualities are going to attract people to you and as you've learned not all of them are going to have your best interests at heart. Some people will try to manipulate you because they can benefit from it, while others like your friend who you enjoyed concerts with was maybe a littie more innocent in her own way. Incidentally, letting a girl down because you don't feel the same way never gets easier. It's not a nice thing to have to do. But as you've learned sometimes you need to.

Anyway, like all of us you aren't perfect and so that means you'll sometimes make mistakes or fall into traps like you described or generally just be vulnerable sometimes. It's unavoidable. When it happens don't beat yourself up. You're only human. Just acknowledge it and then move on.

Remember that you only have yourself to answer to and that telling people "No" is part of a freedom that's your right. I know it's not always easy, there's no 'one weird trick' that you can rely on. But it's good that you've recognised all this stuff about yourself. Some people can go years without being so self aware.

You didn't ask for my advice, but you have received it.

[ComposerOfAvantGarde]

Okay, thanks for answering all (4. Four. ) of those questions.

Going by your posts you seem like a friendly, bright, creative guy who has a huge passion for music. Those qualities are going to attract people to you and as you've learned not all of them are going to have your best interests at heart. Some people will try to manipulate you because they can benefit from it, while others like your friend who you enjoyed concerts with was maybe a littie more innocent in her own way. Incidentally, letting a girl down because you don't feel the same way never gets easier. It's not a nice thing to have to do. But as you've learned sometimes you need to.

Anyway, like all of us you aren't perfect and so that means you'll sometimes make mistakes or fall into traps like you described or generally just be vulnerable sometimes. It's unavoidable. When it happens don't beat yourself up. You're only human. Just acknowledge it and then move on.

Remember that you only have yourself to answer to and that telling people "No" is part of a freedom that's your right. I know it's not always easy, there's no 'one weird trick' that you can rely on. But it's good that you've recognised all this stuff about yourself. Some people can go years without being so self aware.

You didn't ask for my advice, but you have received it.

Thank you so much, Nik!

[NikF]

General update and roll call.

Dancer: last seen walking past and glaring at me. The thing is, if you really want nothing to do with someone you don't even make eye contact and you certainly don't deliver a look that says 'I hate you', because all that does is tell me you still care enough to let me know how you feel.

Amateur violinist: apart from slowing down to wave when she was driving past I haven't seen or heard from her since she invited me over for a drink. However that was expected and I said I'd keep in touch via email, but I didn't do so. I'll email her tonight.

F**kbuddy: doesn't really belong in this list, but deserves a mention because she knows how to play that particular game. I turn up, there's no fuss or drama, she usually hands me a whisky and then there's a few minutes of small talk for the sake of decency so that the following indecency has free reign.

Due to current circumstances I don't expect much to change over the next couple of weeks. But you can never really say for sure.

[greg]

Dancer: tsundere

Amateur violinist: dandere

F**kbuddy: deredere

[ComposerOfAvantGarde]

[Mirror Image]

General update and roll call.

Dancer: last seen walking past and glaring at me. The thing is, if you really want nothing to do with someone you don't even make eye contact and you certainly don't deliver a look that says 'I hate you', because all that does is tell me you still care enough to let me know how you feel.

Amateur violinist: apart from slowing down to wave when she was driving past I haven't seen or heard from her since she invited me over for a drink. However that was expected and I said I'd keep in touch via email, but I didn't do so. I'll email her tonight.

F**kbuddy: doesn't really belong in this list, but deserves a mention because she knows how to play that particular game. I turn up, there's no fuss or drama, she usually hands me a whisky and then there's a few minutes of small talk for the sake of decency so that the following indecency has free reign.

Due to current circumstances I don't expect much to change over the next couple of weeks. But you can never really say for sure.

Yep, that dancer still cares for you no doubt about it. The amateur violinist sounds wishy-washy. I didn't know about the f*** buddy, but I suppose it's nice to be able to relieve some tension whenever you please. Hopefully something will materialize with this violinist. Good luck, Nik.

Not much news with me. I did get back on POF and I got an email from that Thai woman I was seeing. I blocked her as I definitely have no intentions on seeing her again (obviously). In other news, I waited on this woman the other day and she's a waitress and had the nicest breasts I've ever seen. She was wearing a bit of a low-cut shirt and flirted with me like crazy, but, alas, she was too young for me. She was really cute and had a killer body, but, again, our age differences didn't help. She was 21 yrs. old.

[NikF]

Yep, that dancer still cares for you no doubt about it. The amateur violinist sounds wishy-washy. I didn't know about the f*** buddy, but I suppose it's nice to be able to relieve some tension whenever you please. Hopefully something will materialize with this violinist. Good luck, Nik.

Thanks.

Dancer - yeah, it was as fine a glare as you would see on a long day's walk... But I agree, she's still interested. I don't see anything happening though. All joking aside, she'd be happier with someone like that other dude who's interested in her. He'd be inclined to put her on a pedestal and I know she'd be happy with that, whereas I'd be more inclined to put her over one. 

Amateur violinist - my gut instinct is that she already has me sussed out and is therefore playing it cool. But she's coming over tonight (to save me hobbling over the road to her place) and bringing food with her. So maybe I'll learn more. And at least I'll get fed! 

f***buddy - it sure is. And that's all it is. I don't think we even like each other, but I don't mean that we hate each other. It's more that if it wasn't for this mutually beneficial arrangement we would have nothing at all in common and no reason to speak. It's so casual that the last time I went over to her place I tried to find the apartment number on the door of her building (the intercom panel thing) and realised I'd forgotten her surname.

Not much news with me. I did get back on POF and I got an email from that Thai woman I was seeing. I blocked her as I definitely have no intentions on seeing her again (obviously).

You definitely did the right as far as that was concerned. Even if there wasn't all that list of things, you had to go with your gut instinct. But as you say, it's in the past. Good stuff. Just keep investing in yourself. Talk with people, stay cool, and remember to keep breathing. 

In other news, I waited on this woman the other day and she's a waitress and had the nicest breasts I've ever seen. She was wearing a bit of a low-cut shirt and flirted with me like crazy, but, alas, she was too young for me. She was really cute and had a killer body, but, again, our age differences didn't help. She was 21 yrs. old.

"...and had the nicest breasts I've ever seen." - I like the way you just casually state that. Also, cute and a killer body is a devastating combo indeed. Many a man, led to his ruin etc...then again, it's certainly worth considering. 
But I know what you mean with the age difference. Having said that, 21 was actually the starting point when I was in my 40s. It depends on the individual(s) involved. But anything younger than that is only suitable for a one night stand or other no-strings shenanigans.

Anyway, the next time the thread is quiet I'll post my own story about a waitress. Some people might like to read it because it ends with me getting a boot in the balls.   

[Mirror Image]

Thanks.

Dancer - yeah, it was as fine a glare as you would see on a long day's walk... But I agree, she's still interested. I don't see anything happening though. All joking aside, she'd be happier with someone like that other dude who's interested in her. He'd be inclined to put her on a pedestal and I know she'd be happy with that, whereas I'd be more inclined to put her over one. 

Amateur violinist - my gut instinct is that she already has me sussed out and is therefore playing it cool. But she's coming over tonight (to save me hobbling over the road to her place) and bringing food with her. So maybe I'll learn more. And at least I'll get fed! 

f***buddy - it sure is. And that's all it is. I don't think we even like each other, but I don't mean that we hate each other. It's more that if it wasn't for this mutually beneficial arrangement we would have nothing at all in common and no reason to speak. It's so casual that the last time I went over to her place I tried to find the apartment number on the door of her building (the intercom panel thing) and realised I'd forgotten her surname.

You definitely did the right as far as that was concerned. Even if there wasn't all that list of things, you had to go with your gut instinct. But as you say, it's in the past. Good stuff. Just keep investing in yourself. Talk with people, stay cool, and remember to keep breathing. 

"...and had the nicest breasts I've ever seen." - I like the way you just casually state that. Also, cute and a killer body is a devastating combo indeed. Many a man, led to his ruin etc...then again, it's certainly worth considering. 

But I know what you mean with the age difference. Having said that, 21 was actually the starting point when I was in my 40s. It depends on the individual(s) involved. But anything younger than that is only suitable for a one night stand or other no-strings shenanigans.

Anyway, the next time the thread is quiet I'll post my own story about a waitress. Some people might like to read it because it ends with me getting a boot in the balls.   

You're welcome, Nik. Things seem to be going well for you at the moment. You have several different options to explore and that keep you busy. I'm not sure if I could have juggled that many women at the same time, but, then again, I've never been fully comfortable with dating several different women at the same time. The only time this has happened to me was when I had two dates in one night and I canceled on one only to find the woman I canceled on see me out with the woman I had decided to go out with instead. She didn't make a scene, but she did say something to the effect "I'm glad you're feeling better." I felt like such an ass and I ended up not even enjoying the date I was on. Sigh...the things that end up happening to me.

I might consider going out with this waitress as I know where she works. I might pop in one night when she's not too busy and see if she'd be interested in going to dinner. I'll let you know how it goes if I decide to peruse her.

All the best to you and your special lady friend. Hope you have a good time.

[NikF]

You're welcome, Nik. Things seem to be going well for you at the moment. You have several different options to explore and that keep you busy.

As I said before, I have the options because I find it easy to talk with people. I'm far more succinct in real life than I am on here, but I still freely chat to whoever, wherever, whenever. And I guess then that the law of averages comes into play and so I meet women/get dates. And I'm not just saying it, but if a woman rejects me I really don't give a sh*t, because I'm not entitled to a date with her. So it's not a problem. I just move on to the next one(s).

I'm not sure if I could have juggled that many women at the same time, but, then again, I've never been fully comfortable with dating several different women at the same time.

Maybe you'll find that the more you date you'll be open to seeing more than one at a time? At least, until you find someone you want to concentrate on fully.

The only time this has happened to me was when I had two dates in one night and I canceled on one only to find the woman I canceled on see me out with the woman I had decided to go out with instead. She didn't make a scene, but she did say something to the effect "I'm glad you're feeling better."

Excuse me for laughing... I know it's not funny, but... 

I remember when I got my first place of my own I was casually dating (but already sleeping with) a blonde. At the same time I was chasing another blonde who I occasionally worked with. I finally got her to go out with me and to come home with me after the first date. We got up the stairs to my front door, only to find the first blonde was already there, waiting for me. She had just turned up unannounced. They both ganged up on me and forced me to choose on the spot. So I know how horrible that kind of situation can be. 

I might consider going out with this waitress as I know where she works. I might pop in one night when she's not too busy and see if she'd be interested in going to dinner. I'll let you know how it goes if I decide to peruse her.

Obviously I really hope that if you ask this waitress out she'll say yes and it goes well. Keep in mind that it's kind of awkward because they get hit on all the time. Asking them out at work isn't fair, really. But when there's no other option, what else can you do?  But yeah, if you go for it let me know the result. 

[NikF]

As expected the amateur violinist came over on Friday. We also spent some time together on Sunday, but not too late.
I have tickets for what was supposed to be Neeme Järvi's 80th birthday concert on Saturday and I was going to take her there, but it was cancelled and the lineup has now changed changed to -

Tchaikovsky Romeo and Juliet Overture
Beethoven Piano Concerto No2 - Ingrid Fliter
Rachmaninov Symphony No2

Cond. - Elim Chan
RSNO

I'd like to hear the Rachmaninov. However, the last time I was in that concert hall an old woman who had difficulty walking was offered the use of a wheelchair. I suppose I could call ahead and ask about it (health & safety rules regarding crutches) but I'm not keen on this.

e: I had originally written -

"I'm not an old woman and so I'm not going in a wheelchair" - but I thought maybe someone reading this is in a wheelchair or something and they'd feel offended. That's not my intention at all. But I feel strongly about this and I'm not going in a f**king wheelchair.

[Mirror Image]

As expected the amateur violinist came over on Friday. We also spent some time together on Sunday, but not too late.
I have tickets for what was supposed to be Neeme Järvi's 80th birthday concert on Saturday and I was going to take her there, but it was cancelled and the lineup has now changed changed to -

Tchaikovsky Romeo and Juliet Overture
Beethoven Piano Concerto No2 - Ingrid Fliter
Rachmaninov Symphony No2

Cond. - Elim Chan
RSNO

I'd like to hear the Rachmaninov. However, the last time I was in that concert hall an old woman who had difficulty walking was offered the use of a wheelchair. I suppose I could call ahead and ask about it (health & safety rules regarding crutches) but I'm not keen on this.

e: I had originally written -

"I'm not an old woman and so I'm not going in a wheelchair" - but I thought maybe someone reading this is in a wheelchair or something and they'd feel offended. That's not my intention at all. But I feel strongly about this and I'm not going in a f**king wheelchair.

Good to hear things went well with that amateur violinist. That concert program looks rather boring...sigh. God forbid they perform some RVW, Elgar, Britten, Alwyn, Rubbra, Moeran, Ireland, Bax, Holst, Finzi, etc. I might be in London in late summer, I'm hoping to catch a concert from either the LSO, LPO, or The Philharmonia.

[Brian]

Good to hear things went well with that amateur violinist. That concert program looks rather boring...sigh. God forbid they perform some RVW, Elgar, Britten, Alwyn, Rubbra, Moeran, Ireland, Bax, Holst, Finzi, etc. I might be in London in late summer, I'm hoping to catch a concert from either the LSO, LPO, or The Philharmonia.

1. hahaha if you think they don't program enough English music, you haven't lived in England!
2. Late summer is just the right time for the BBC Proms concerts, which are both super awesome and frequently very adventurous (that's where I saw the Gothic and the original Glagolitic Mass in one weekend).

[Mirror Image]

1. hahaha if you think they don't program enough English music, you haven't lived in England!
2. Late summer is just the right time for the BBC Proms concerts, which are both super awesome and frequently very adventurous (that's where I saw the Gothic and the original Glagolitic Mass in one weekend).

I know. We have the same problem with American composers here in the States. How often do you see Ives or even William Schuman on a concert program here? Yeah, the BBC Proms might be something I'd be looking into as well.