Dating or not dating.

[greg]

I guess the reason I'm asking what everyone's approach is is that the few times I have tried to talk to girls in public only because I'm interested in them, I wouldn't know where to go with it. As in, sure, I could ask for a phone number, but in those situations I'd have no reason to and it would only seem like I'm trying to "pick them up." So we'd just talk and then I'd leave.

Perhaps thinking of reasons to hang out with people I meet in public, whether it's a guy or girl, is a good idea... maybe I need to think of reasons to hang out with anyone, for example, that might hang around the manga section at the bookstore or the local anime convention coming in October. That way, if I do get in a conversation with someone, it won't just be us talking and we leave. Having some sort of reason to actually see someone later.

Maybe... I should keep in mind the movie theater at my apartments. Would be a nice place to invite people. 

[NikF]

I'm beginning to feel like I'm living in a movie.    it's really surreal 

Tell me more, please? 

[NikF]

Okay. 

I hope you get the sleeping firmly back on track. And that you're eating properly and keeping yourself hydrated. 

Also, if you get her number or a date, that you do so to a soundtrack of this https://youtu.be/R4NDLJow1ZE 

[NikF]

Yes, I'm trying to.

Good man.

I feel almost as if some day when I'm really irritated/mentally drained (you know those days?

I can perhaps feel a little drained from time to time although I put that down to my age (109) but I don't get irritated by stuff. Obviously there are always exceptions and so if something was a major irritant - such as a fist about to arrive at pace on my face - then yeah, I'd acknowledge it. But day to day? Not worth my time.

But if she said no or something, nothing much can happen though. It's not like we're in a class together or anything, but I am one of their regular morning customers....

If she's a barista she'll probably be getting hit on evey five minutes already.
You'll know if/when you want ask her out. For what it's worth, If I were in your place I'd ask her out right away. And regardless of the outcome I'd be cool.

[NikF]

Would you ask her out (figuratively) in front of her workmates?

Just timing I guess, some mornings there are considerable cues too

Short answer. No.
And I should have made it more clear what I meant by "If I were in your place I'd ask her out right away".

Longer answer to follow.

[NikF]

"If I were in your place I'd ask her out right away".

If I were you and a woman clearly seemed interested in me I'd ask her out straight away. Specifically in this scenario as I was leaving I'd discreetly slip her a note with my number. The note should be something like this -

"You seem cool/interesting. Like to chat sometime? *number*."

Regardless of what happens next, stay calm.

If she rejects the note say "okay" and smile. Don't ask why she's rejecting it. And don't apologise. Just say "okay" and smile and pretend it never happened. Stay calm.

If she takes the note and doesn't call, don't ever bring it up. Again, act like it never happened. Don't make things awkward. Go back to being the customer you were. Stay calm.
In fact, regardless of the outcome being yes or no, just stay calm and laid back.

fake edit: I'm aware that your idea of 'calm and laid back' probably differs greatly from mine. Just be a man about it all. 

[NikF]

An apparent lack of dating action all round means it's time for a story from the dating archives. It has come to mind because as I prepare to leave this house it reminds me of when my ex-girlfriend and I moved in to it together. Also, you know that thing about how you can never get a taxi, but when you don't want one then two come along at once?

We had only been living together for three or four weeks. It was already a beautiful time and I'd allowed myself to again be sidetracked by her which resulted in me running late for an appointment. I'd to give the okay to a couple of prints before they were mounted, matted and framed for a client. The picture framer was situated on the other side of town. Between he and I there was the formidable obstacle of the rush hour.

The quickest way to get there was by subway. If I got a train right away and didn't mess around when I got off it I would get to the framers in time. All at once I put on my jacket, grabbed a book, kissed the girl and went out the door.

Pacing up and down the platform doesn't make the train arrive faster. Stand still, don't slouch, quit fidgeting, stay calm - and chances are you're the coolest guy in the vicinity and people will notice. And if like me you have a book with you, read it.

The small train pulled in. I found a seat near the door and sat down, adopting the type of pose that apparently some people find offensive. Or threatening? Or too manly or something? In any case, I don't care. So I read my book while initially pretending not to check out the woman who was sitting diagonally opposite me. She was doing that old thing I'm sure I've explained before, of tilting the head and squinting the eyes a little in an attempt to see the cover and title of the book and so making it clear to me that she wanted me to notice her looking. If she didn't want that she would just glance at the book and be done with it.

I lowered the book and looked at her. Then I held the book in her direction so she could read the title. She mimed a "I see" and nodded in approval. I tried to gesture in a way that asked if she had read it, to which she replied with a shake of the head. Again I responded, imparting best I could that the book was okay and worthy of her time. This whole exchange was wordless. But the biggest thing was that I knew she was interested in me and that she knew (and was comfortable with) me blatantly checking her out. Maybe she liked that a man was capable of making and then holding eye contact with her.
Late 30s? Well preserved early 40s? A businesswoman, confident with briefcase and heels. And legs, casually crossed quite high. Her hair, make-up, fingernails, all in all perfectly groomed. At home I've a beautiful girl. But I'm still going to look and enjoy what I see as I go about my day.

The silent conversation continued until the train approached my station. I stood and moved to the door, but not before seeing her exaggerated sad face. I shrugged to her that's the way it goes sometimes, then the train stopped and the door opened. I stepped on to the platform and made for the stairs. Behind me the doors closed a whistle blew and I looked back and through the window. She was looking back too. Here's the thing, I'm 99% sure that if I was single I would have stayed on the train. And I'm 98% sure that would have led to us getting off the train together and me nailing her soon after.

The platform clock shows that it's later than I thought. So I almost run for the stairway and when I get there I take the steps three at a time as fast as I can. To do this safely I look down at my feet. Every now and then I glance up so that I don't collide with anyone. And I see someone coming down the stairs. A woman. I look at my feet, then back up. She's closer and she's kind of running too. Then she's closer again. Finally we're almost level and she looks at me, she looks again. A double take. She slows and turns towards me. I slow down too. We're on the same step now and facing each other. She spoke to me. You know what she said? She only said two things. The first was "Oh" followed a second later by "Hello". There was a handrail between us and she placed a small hand on it. Clear nail varnish on sensible nails. A waif wrist circled by a (home made?) bracelet of thin cord threaded through...are those half a dozen tiny square wooden beads each with a letter on? Spelling her name? But I don't want to stare and so I look up in to a sweet smile. If she's anything I can think of it's a late 20s schoolteacher with soft brown shoulder length hair and a slim figure. And she's pretty, terminally pretty.

She keeps smiling and I know she's waiting for my big mouth to do what it does. But I've a beautiful girl at home and a picture framer needing approval. Still, that smile. There's the sound of an approaching train and she looks toward it and then quickly back to me. Indecisive? I decide for her by stepping back and away while looking at her looking at me over the handrail, then I turn and continue up the stairs. Again, three at a time, looking down at my feet and never look back.

I was about ten minutes late at the picture framer. As I opened the shop door I read the sign telling me that this is the weeknight they stay open one hour later than usual. The picture framer greets me and asks if I would like tea or coffee. His assistant is waiting for my answer. She's a lovely Italian girl with huge brown eyes and what appears to be all the good stuff under the cover of overalls. I tell her I don't want anything, thanks.

[NikF]

You're welcome.
When you go on enough dates and generally socialise frequently with women you get to kind learn to recognise from the outset if it's even worth your while asking or not. Most women tend to send a signal of some sort and it's usually an accurate indicator. But in any case, don't worry about it. Have fun. 

[greg]

I have a new crush.

And yes, of course, this is irrelevant to the thread because it isn't for a real person.

Futaba Sakura from Persona 5. Strange how even though I didn't like her character design at all, once I got to know this character, my feelings changed completely. She is a shut-in hacker with some social anxiety issues, and her charms are her weird little quirks.

I probably would have never understood exactly the feeling of someone being a "soulmate" if it weren't for fiction.

That sort of closeness is so rare. I believe Futaba will always be second, though, to the one character I've thought of every single day for the last 7 years. It is such a weird reflection, to see exactly what constitutes a "soulmate" when you are only able to discover it in fiction. Is this just a manifestation of yourself in a fictional character, being someone you can sympathize with because they are like you (on the inside)?

[Mirror Image]

I have a new crush.

And yes, of course, this is irrelevant to the thread because it isn't for a real person.

Futaba Sakura from Persona 5. Strange how even though I didn't like her character design at all, once I got to know this character, my feelings changed completely. She is a shut-in hacker with some social anxiety issues, and her charms are her weird little quirks.

I probably would have never understood exactly the feeling of someone being a "soulmate" if it weren't for fiction.

That sort of closeness is so rare. I believe Futaba will always be second, though, to the one character I've thought of every single day for the last 7 years. It is such a weird reflection, to see exactly what constitutes a "soulmate" when you are only able to discover it in fiction. Is this just a manifestation of yourself in a fictional character, being someone you can sympathize with because they are like you (on the inside)?

[NikF]

That's about one year now that I've been single. In that time I've had a lot of dates, some casual encounters, and made a f--kbuddy.

As I've mentioned before I'm not talk, dark and handsome. But I've never needed to be and throughout my life I've never been short of dates, especially when I was younger. And the thing is, I'm now recognising that at this point I'm receiving almost as much interest as I ever have. Almost every single time I go (alone) to a concert or the ballet or the theatre and stand around beforehand/during the interval minding my own business and reading a book, I either receive a number of looks that invite an approach or I'll simply have someone walk up and start a conversation. There's nothing special about me, but if there's any secret to it then it's down to the fact I'm at the concert or ballet or theatre because those are some of the things I love. Anything else that happens there is a bonus.

Of course, it's all very well me saying that, but none of the dates have amounted to anything long term. I believe that's in part my own fault, but also because it's a numbers game. But the more I date the better the chances are that something good will happen, either as a direct result of the date or indirectly by them introducing me to someone else or to something different or somewhere new.

In the meantime I go about my way as usual. On my morning run and I say hello to my neighbours as they walk their dogs, sometimes I exchange greetings with 'Shakespearian cat' if he's sitting on his wall, then run along the road and into the park, around the pond and count the ducks, back through the gates on to the road, a "Hi" or just a wave or simple nod to the coffee shop owner, the posh florist lady, the organic baker standing outside smoking a cigarette, the kind of eccentric woman proprietor of the health food store, pigeon toed hipster chick opening the shutter to her vape emporium, the grumpy butcher who has eyed me suspiciously ever since I told him I try to only eat red meat once a week... That's how it goes and it provides myriad rewards, not all connected to dating.

Recently I was at the supermarket checkout and unloading my trolley. Behind me there was a woman holding a red onion and a bunch of parsley. I suggested she goes ahead of me. She thanked me and moved in front. I wondered aloud if I needed to buy parsley. She asked what I was cooking that needed it, which then developed into a small exchange about the pros and cons of growing parsley in a box on a kitchen window sill. Then she paid for her two items and was gone. It took me longer to have my stuff scanned and to bag it. Finally I got it done, took the bags and trolley outside, and found the woman waiting there. She said "Do you want to take a little of my parsley just in case you do need it?"

That's it, really. Keep moving forward every day.  And never feel ashamed by checking out a nice pair of legs.
Listo!

[aleazk]

I was in tinder and suddenly the picture of a classmate popped in... lol I actually like this classmate but I had to press the nay option because I don't want to mix professional and personal life  ... at least for now.

Other than that, I got bored and have not been there in weeks

Oh, also, the picture of the cashier from the coffee shop I go everyday... nay again because I don't want to make my daily routine complicated, i.e., for now I want the coffee shop to be just the coffee shop! 

[NikF]

Yeah, tempting as it can be you're probably doing the right thing by adhering to '*don't get the honey where you make your money'. Having said that, I didn't always do the right thing. I suppose like a lot of stuff it depends on the individuals involved, their priorities and how much they might be prepared to compromise.


* my preferred saying for that scenario involves mention of a doorstep.

[greg]

I'm starting to realize that by being "introspective," you don't really mean about deconstructing how your mind works? Seems like you don't have an interest in it?  (or maybe you just do analysis in a completely different way?)

Actually, if I really wanted to understand exactly the characteristics I find attractive in women (and what I find to be "soulmate" level quality), I would play dating sims. But I don't... haven't really tried them, either, tbh. The difference is that there are no limits, whereas real people have to, you know, behave themselves around others, and in something like a tv show/dating sim/visual novel/anything fiction, they can be showed how they are alone or in specific scenarios that you'd never encounter in real life.

[NikF]

I've grown to feel the same way with the girl at the cafe I go to every morning, I'm not really feeling compelled to get in any romances personally at the moment, even though I strongly considered what NikF said (and even wrote a little message + Ph. no. for her), I decided against it

Famous last words. 

[NikF]

Generally speaking, sometimes when you're out and about doing what you do, you'll unexpectedly meet someone. It won't matter if you haven't planned for it or you don't have time for it. It might even be that they're someone you wouldn't think is your 'type'. But it happens and no matter what age you are or how much experience you have, you'll find it's all you can do to keep your feet on the ground. 

[NikF]

My amateur violinist neighbour from across the street invited me to a party in her building. I went along just for the hell of it. There were a couple of women who appeared single, including one I recognised as living further up the hill who was kind of pushy in a "I've always wanted to *places hand on my forearm* know the name of that beautiful plant I notice when I walk past your house" kind of way. She was pleasant and all that, but I wandered into the back garden where there was a tree that had a fine branch for doing pullups on. I didn't do any though. A grey cat came along and slowly crept through the grass. It stopped and looked at me and I said hello to it which resulted in it taking off at approximately the speed of sound. Huh. I came home, did a couple of pullups in the doorway, then made tea, and now I'm going to sit in the dark and watch 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind'.
A friday night.

[Mirror Image]

I met a gorgeous Colombian woman today. I got her number, but her English isn't great, but I'll probably get some coffee with her at some point. I'm in no rush. Things are going pretty decent right now and I'm enjoying my solitude.

[Mirror Image]

My amateur violinist neighbour from across the street invited me to a party in her building. I went along just for the hell of it. There were a couple of women who appeared single, including one I recognised as living further up the hill who was kind of pushy in a "I've always wanted to *places hand on my forearm* know the name of that beautiful plant I notice when I walk past your house" kind of way. She was pleasant and all that, but I wandered into the back garden where there was a tree that had a fine branch for doing pullups on. I didn't do any though. A grey cat came along and slowly crept through the grass. It stopped and looked at me and I said hello to it which resulted in it taking off at approximately the speed of sound. Huh. I came home, did a couple of pullups in the doorway, then made tea, and now I'm going to sit in the dark and watch 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind'.
A friday night.

It's good to just get out and meet some people sometimes, but when I get off of work I don't want to be around people since I work in retail. I'm really considering going back to school and perhaps learning a trade. I could go to college, but that's just going to take too long. I'll probably enroll in some kind of medical program where I can become like an x-ray technician or something along those lines.

[NikF]

I met a gorgeous Colombian woman today. I got her number, but her English isn't great, but I'll probably get some coffee with her at some point. I'm in no rush. Things are going pretty decent right now and I'm enjoying my solitude.

That'll be something for you to look forward to.   

It's good to just get out and meet some people sometimes, but when I get off of work I don't want to be around people since I work in retail. I'm really considering going back to school and perhaps learning a trade. I could go to college, but that's just going to take too long. I'll probably enroll in some kind of medical program where I can become like an x-ray technician or something along those lines.

It would be a big change. But I'm sure you could adapt to  it and also that it would prove to be an interesting challenge.