What is the cause of the high divorce rate?

[lisa needs braces]

What do you think is the underlying cause of the high divorce rate? I'm in my 20s and I'm simply afraid of getting married given the current statistics. Specifically, I fear a situation in which I get divorced and my wife gets custody of the children and I'm basically shut out, though I'm still liable to fork over a substantial amount of money to support them. Is marriage simply a dying institution?

[lisa needs braces]

Here is Time Magazine's recent article on the state of American marriage:

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1908243,00.html

[DavidW]

Is this about looking for excuses to not propose? tehehe just kidding!

[lisa needs braces]

Heh David, no. But I do get a lot of comments from my mother about when I'll get married, or comments along the lines of "I know a nice young lady..."

My parents relationship ended in divorce, and my mother can't stand my father. But I'm so like my father (even having his gestures) that I'm concerned that I'll end up being loathed in a similar fashion. On the other hand, perpetual bachelorhood seems depressing. 

[Bulldog]

What do you think is the underlying cause of the high divorce rate? I'm in my 20s and I'm simply afraid of getting married given the current statistics. Specifically, I fear a situation in which I get divorced and my wife gets custody of the children and I'm basically shut out, though I'm still liable to fork over a substantial amount of money to support them. Is marriage simply a dying institution?

You're sure not an optimistic soul.  Have some faith in yourself and your future partner.  I've been married 40 years, and each year has been outstanding.  All you have to do is make a good choice and not screw it up.

My son Alex is on his second marriage and it's not doing well at all.  His problem has been getting married for all the wrong reasons.  Funny thing is that it's the only area of his life where he makes stupid decisions. 

[lisa needs braces]

Women initiate 70% of all divorces. I wonder how many of the men these women were married to were initially optimistic, BD.  

[greg]

On the other hand, perpetual bachelorhood seems depressing. 

Only if you make it that way. 

[Wendell_E]

Women initiate 70% of all divorces. I wonder how many of the men these women were married to were initially optimistic, BD.  

I imagine many of the women were optimistic as well, but then after the marriage they find out what the miserable S.O.B. is really like.  75% of my father's four wives initiated their divorces.  I just can't understand why my mother never made it 100%.  

[Gurn Blanston]

Well, I've never made any sort of study of it, but I've been married twice and a lot of people that I've known intimately have been divorced too. IMO, it's because we are culturally trained to be 'me first', and people these days tend to not be willing to make concessions for someone else's benefit, not even our spouse's. It is so easy to get a divorce that people tend to view it as a first resort instead of a last one. My first marriage lasted 5 years. My second has lasted 25, and I attribute it to a totally different attitude on my part. Not to mention that my wife's attitude is also a lot different from my ex's.



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Listening to:
Musica Antiqua Amsterdam / Koopman - Hob 14 08 Divertimento in C for Keyboard 1st mvmt - Allegro moderato

[owlice]

What do you think is the underlying cause of the high divorce rate?

Remarriage.

[karlhenning]

Well, I've never made any sort of study of it, but I've been married twice and a lot of people that I've known intimately have been divorced too. IMO, it's because we are culturally trained to be 'me first', and people these days tend to not be willing to make concessions for someone else's benefit, not even our spouse's.

Dude, you need to embark on a journey of spiritual discovery!

Need a mood ring?

[secondwind]

What do you think is the underlying cause of the high divorce rate? I'm in my 20s and I'm simply afraid of getting married given the current statistics. Specifically, I fear a situation in which I get divorced and my wife gets custody of the children and I'm basically shut out, though I'm still liable to fork over a substantial amount of money to support them. Is marriage simply a dying institution?

I've never been divorced, so I don't think I can talk about the underlying cause(s) of the divorce rate.  I have been married for 22 years, so I think I can say something about what it takes to keep a marriage going. 
-First of all, don't be in too great a hurry to get married.  Finish growing up.  Try to marry a person who has also grown up.  Marriage between adults works better than marriage between adolescents.
-Try to marry someone who shares many of your values and your view of what life is about.  This means you have to know what those values and views are!
-Have realistic expectations of what marriage will be like.  Don't expect that it will always be easy, pleasant, peaceful.  Go into a marriage prepared to do a lot of work, talking, negotiating, compromising, changing.
-Get your own financial house in order, and have some serious discussions about finances and financial management with your intended.  I think disagreements about money cause a lot of marital friction.
-Decide in advance what "for better or for worse" means to you.  Are there situations that would cause you to want a divorce?  A lot of people say that infidelity of a spouse would be the breaking point for them.  I've told my husband he can't get out of this that easily!   Although I hope I never have to, I'm prepared to weather a storm like that without bailing out. 
-Be able to be happy alone, to have a meaningful life alone.  Don't marry someone with the idea that she will make you happy or make your life meaningful.
-Learn how to discuss "hot topics" before they become arguments or problems.  If your family didn't give you good models of how to do this, find somewhere to learn. 
If I'm making this sound like a lot of work, well, I guess it can be sometimes.  But most things worth doing take a fair amount of work.  Part of the trick is to marry someone you're willing to do all this work with!  It is true, the statistics are pretty grim, but I think that if a lasting and successful marriage is important to you, and you are willing to work to achieve it, you can be in whatever percentage minority it is that has a successful marriage.  I wish you all success and happiness when you are ready.

[Dana]

But it's worth it though, right?

[Holden]

My parents were happily married for 43 years and the marriage ended with the death of my father. As the oldest of 5 kids I wondered what magic kept them together and after Dad's death I broached the subject with Mum. After a two year engagement during which they spent a lot of time negotiating how they were going to run a family they finally tied the knot on August 25th 1950. Both of them knew where they stood in the relationship and how they were going to handle the problems that marriage threw at them but they had made a solid commitment that would be very hard to break. Mum told me of some times when there was friction and things got a bit wobbly but their initial pledge was their guiding light and we as kids never saw any conflict.

One thing they decided on was how they were going to bring up children and how they would handle any disagreement regarding this - behind the closed door of their bedroom where we kids would never get a sniff of disharmony.

The other thing I noticed was that their love was never an openly demonstrative thing but the hub of their relationship. They grew with each other and as each change happened learned to accommodate it as part of the relationship.

After Dad died Mum had a number of offers of new relationships but nobody could replace him. Remarkably, Dad was unremarkable and this worthy of note. He was just a kind, caring and compassionate human being who never did anything that the media would consider noteworthy. But in concert with Mum he raised five solid citizens who share and espouse his values.

I suppose that what I'm saying is that today it's a throwaway society - if it doesn't work, get rid of the old model and procure a new one. All I can say to young people who contemplate marriage - make sure you and your partner are in total agreement about your values and have a plan for coping with adversity in your relationship.

There is a great song by Christie Moore that encapsulates all of this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_surYSjPZQA

[Cato]

The underlying cause of divorce is marriage.   0:)

[Cato]

What do you think is the underlying cause of the high divorce rate? I'm in my 20s and I'm simply afraid of getting married given the current statistics. Specifically, I fear a situation in which I get divorced and my wife gets custody of the children and I'm basically shut out, though I'm still liable to fork over a substantial amount of money to support them. Is marriage simply a dying institution?

To be more direct than above: Gurn Blanston is quite right.  You live in a solipsistic era, where almost everyone is a center of the universe, and therefore almost nobody else is as important as you are.

Check freeway driving habits: "I can break the speed limits and weave in and out of traffic and cut people off because where I am going is more important than where you are going."

Apply this principle to marriage and you see the problem!  Certainly the idea that "my personal happiness" is the basis of my life is another way of analyzing the problem.  The religious idea that self-sacrifice can be a life's purpose, (living for the family and not just for yourself, even when things sour), has faded.  My grandfather stayed with my grandmother despite her mental breakdowns, even when in a delusion she beat him with a broom while he lay on the floor during a heart attack.

That was loyalty and self-sacrifice!  

[Harry]

People marry each other, but do not know each other. They believe in the image they see, and often that is something else as reality.
Confronted with that, and not being able to handle it, they divorce.
Luckily I am happily married for 27 years now, because we know who we are.

[david johnson]

    
What is the cause of the high divorce rate? -

lack of commitment and advanced immaturity.

dj

[secondwind]

But it's worth it though, right?

Yes!

[ChamberNut]

Have your 20's be your "ME" years.  Don't rush.  Wait until you are in your 30's to get married and have children.