Current views by John Cleese

[Gurn Blanston]

ALERTS TO FINANCIAL AND MILITARY THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE

By John Cleese (British writer, actor and tall person):

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the ****." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought -
"Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."

[Karl Henning]

I've seen that before, but it is most grooviferous, thanks for bring it forward, O Gurn!

. . . and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

[Papy Oli]

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

[snyprrr]

Carry on!

[Dancing Divertimentian]

Hilarious, Gurn!

[eyeresist]

It's fun to laugh at foreigners, isn't it?

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate."

This is incorrect - the expression is "She'll be right."

[Gurn Blanston]

It's fun to laugh at foreigners, isn't it?

Of course it is. In the course of human events, it's the next best thing to killing them. 

This is incorrect - the expression is "She'll be right."

We shall have to discuss this with Mr. Cleese. Probably his ear isn't quite attuned to the vagaries of Aussie speech patterns.

[Karl Henning]

In spite of his tenure in the Philosophy Department at the University of Wallamaloo.

[drogulus]

     Woolamaloo!