Is this right or wrong?

[Mozart]

My moms friend who always does favors for us was moving houses, and I volunteered to help. I moved heavy stuff for a few hours and great. She drove me home and then gave me money..."i know you like to make smoothies, this will make you a few."

Was it right for her to offer me money? I tried to refuse several times until she shoved it into my shirt. Now my logic is that I was doing an act of friendship as she does to us, I would never pay a friend with money for helping me do something. Friends help each other because they are friends.

[Joe Barron]

I wouldn't be offended. She was trying to express her gratitude. It would be best for your peace of mind to take it in that spirit. In the past, when my friends have helped me move, I've treated them to dinner.

[Bulldog]

I wouldn't be offended. She was trying to express her gratitude. It would be best for your peace of mind to take it in that spirit. In the past, when my friends have helped me move, I've treated them to dinner.

Joe's got it right. 

[DavidW]

I do it Joe's way too treat them to dinner.

I wouldn't offer money because it makes it seem like a paid service and not a thank you to a friend for the help.  But no point in being offended, it was still an attempt to express gratitude.

[Scarpia]

When friends have helped me moved I've treated them to dinner.  But that would depend on whether it seems natural to go to dinner with the person.  This was "Mom's friend."  When getting a  younger (implicitly poverty striken) person to help, a bit of cash in lieu of dinner doesn't seem out of the ordinary.

[Mozart]

Dinner is one thing though, actual money is another. Not that I want her taking me to dinner, but maybe she could take my mom to dinner.   I dont know, I didn't do it to get anything in return, but I guess I'll buy some chocolate.

Anyways I guess I am not offended since I know she did it not to offend me. But ideally, friends should grant favors* to one another without asking or giving anything for those favors.


** Favors not implying the sex thing

[bhodges]

Or you could just send her a nice thank-you note.

I see her giving you money as a little "gratuity" since she was obviously very pleased.  I know what you mean: people do favors "just because they are friends," no more, no less. 

But in this case, no matter, she was happy and wanted to say "thanks" to you.  Just accept it graciously and don't worry about it too much!

--Bruce

[MN Dave]

I'd go for what's behind door #2.

[Mozart]

Well if you truly think about it more, and this was my original reason for feeling offended, it doesn't keep us as equals. Her giving me money makes her like superior to me, above me. Does that make sense? I am also not so little a boy. I suppose if I was 12 and did all of that and she gave me money it would be great!


But she is my moms friend and not my personal friend so all of that doesn't apply to me but to her. I suppose its my mom who should feel offended.


** Which is of course different than actually doing work for someone, and they offering money and you say its too much. Thats something my dad does, and in that situation I don't care, I will take what is given, or if I feel its not enough will say so.

[Bulldog]

Well if you truly think about it more, and this was my original reason for feeling offended, it doesn't keep us as equals. Her giving me money makes her like superior to me, above me. Does that make sense?

No, and I recommend you stop dwelling on the subject.  Just appreciate her thanks and make sure you spend the money on something you won't forget.

[Harpo]

Well if you truly think about it more, and this was my original reason for feeling offended, it doesn't keep us as equals. Her giving me money makes her like superior to me, above me. Does that make sense?

I too think it was just a thank-you token, not a power play. She was grateful for all your hard work.

After I played piano at several memorial services, the families paid me when I had just wanted to do it for free to honor the memory of the deceased. My solution was to give the honorarium to charity.  0:) 0:)

[Mozart]

Just to note I am continuing to post not because it bothers me, but for the sake of discussion.

[Joe Barron]

Anyways I guess I am not offended since I know she did it not to offend me. But ideally, friends should grant favors* to one another without asking or giving anything for those favors.

True, but then friends also shouldn't impugn one another's motives and talk about power plays and inequality and such. They should give each other the benefit of any doubt. 

[Mozart]

True, but then friends also shouldn't impugn one another's motives and talk about power plays and inequality and such. They should give each other the benefit of any doubt. 

Hmm depends how well you know them, first you must judge in order to determine is its a good friend to keep or not. In fact even if I don't know this woman well, I know she is a good person, and the idea of her "power play" probably never entered her mind. But it doesn't mean that such things don't happen at an unconscious level.


I would guess that many people in a similar situation would feel discomfort. And I beleive the discomfort for me came because it made me feel inferior in the relationship, as you might kid around with a waiter, but they have to support you no matter what, and if so, even if they will deny it and maybe not even think of it on a conscious level, they receive a certain level of satisfaction with them self, maybe I am being to careful with words.

And I probably give bad examples.

[Wanderer]

...in this case, no matter, she was happy and wanted to say "thanks" to you.  Just accept it graciously and don't worry about it too much!

Exactly. And if the money bothers you that much, don't keep it; buy a nice thing for her as a present for the new house.