The Dating Thread

[jochanaan]

...That sounds nice and all, but I'm almost 27, and it seems like that would have worked once by now. I'd rather not have to wait another 27 years.

Greg, here's some man-to-man advice, from one who's got 29 years on you: It's better to be single all your life than to find yourself bound to the wrong woman.  Been there, suffered that, thought she was God's gift to me but found out otherwise.  And I was nearly 30 before it happened!

Live your life, man.  Don't worry about what might happen if you don't find Miss Just Right.   As I've said, you can live your life in fear--or you can live your life.

[Ken B]

Greg, here's some man-to-man advice, from one who's got 29 years on you: It's better to be single all your life than to find yourself bound to the wrong woman.  Been there, suffered that, thought she was God's gift to me but found out otherwise.  And I was nearly 30 before it happened!

Live your life, man.  Don't worry about what might happen if you don't find Miss Just Right.   As I've said, you can live your life in fear--or you can live your life.

Good advice. But you know what I call guys like jochanaan, who have a divorce behind them?  Beginners.

[ibanezmonster]

It's better to be single all your life than to find yourself bound to the wrong woman. 

True...

[snyprrr]

"Excuse me, ma'am, is that lettuce you're buying? Oh, how lucky people are nowadays. I remember the days of the lettuce famine when we used to have to hire our own samurai bodyguards to protect the lettuce we would grow in our yards. Now, I didn't have seven samurai to protect me, but only had a measly three samurai; however, when the members of the Lettuce Thief Ninja Guild launched a surprise attack, I quickly gave my samurai some Viagra and they took down the ninjas in the most humiliating way possible. Those were the days... oh yeah, btw, what's your number?"

25 Words Or LESS!!

I've highlighted the problem areas. At least your heart's in the right place, but that kind of talk right there will get you thrown into the FriendZone so quick you won't know what happened.

Can you see how your choice of subject matter may be perceived differently by a hit young American Female?... uh... or anyone? And, what,...Viagra? What do you think they're gonna think when a young man like you mentions that? And then you imply that he sodomizes the thieves? Can you see how a Thinking Woman will(later) "hear" what she thinks you were really saying?

"Hi! I'm an IT nerd living in my mom's basement and looove Anime. My ability to support you is at least a decade away!! Can I now your number have?"


This young lady was in line before me yesterday- and no, I could NOT stop wanting to check out her uniquely formed breasts (standing straight up were they), but- WussyBoy showed up on the scene and just tried to act cool. Then, in the parking lot, I was passing her at her car--- "Think man, think... you IDIOT.... (yes, it gets harsh)"...--- so I said, "Hey! Aren't you Tiny Fey?" (she looked like her- but with a knuckle-chewin' bod!!) She lost her coffee on that one, lol!!- but she could tell that it was meant as the highest compliment. Anyhow- here's a question---


At this point in societal history, does it seem like a guy can't "just go up to" someone like this and

oh fuuuu... why don't I just





Greg- it's all your fault!

True...

NO ONE'S TALKING ABOUT "BINDING" YOU!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Who do I send the bill for this ayn-yer-ism? KISS SOMEBODY GREG!! KISS SOMEBODY!!



You guys are FORCING me to take matters into my own very capable hands!!

[ibanezmonster]

"Hey, there, your lettuce smells awfully strange. Oh, btw, give me your number or I'll abduct you."
How about that? 

KISS SOMEBODY GREG!! KISS SOMEBODY!!

Okay, but it'll be your fault if I go to jail.

[Karl Henning]

I've highlighted the problem areas.

(* munches popcorn *)

[snyprrr]

"Hey, there, your lettuce smells awfully strange. Oh, btw, give me your number or I'll abduct you."
How about that? 


Okay, but it'll be your fault if I go to jail.

"abduct" What's with you?

gaaaaa.... (rolls up sleeves)... this is going to take some time...



btw- WE DON'T MEET THEM AT THE LETTUCE----- IT'S THE CUCUMBERS GREG---- CUCUMBERS!!!!!


See, maybe you're like me. It's been so long that bitterness has sectrely and subconsciously built up and it comes out in words like "attack" and "abduct" (which also has "duct" like in "duct tape"- another word that gets girls all nervous).


Please- try again- seriously this time---

"You know why they call it "okra" don't you?" (quick- think of something CLEVER)


"My ex once wore a zucchini to the beach- it ended badly"


"What's the Honeymooner's Salad? lettuce alone"


"Why do they call it squash?" (yes, you were standing in front of the squash waiting for a cutie to walk by)


"Just look at all the different kinds of bagged lettuce. They won't 'lettuce alone' will they?"




OH=---- DON'T MENTION "grapes" for obvious reasons



"These cucumbers are so big!" (you better have it together if you start like that)






anyhow- "produce humor" shouldn't have words like "attack" and "abduct"---- try to use words like "slide" or "glide" or"slip"---- "fun" (ALWAYS have to say 'fun')

THEIR BOYFRIENDS ARE BRINGING THEM DOWN AT HOME- THEY WANT NO SERIOUSNESS FROM YOU!!



WATCH SOME RYAN GOSLING!! movie- do what he says!!

(* munches popcorn *)

!!!and yooou!!!

[ibanezmonster]

anyhow- "produce humor" shouldn't have words like "attack" and "abduct"---- try to use words like "slide" or "glide" or"slip"---- "fun" (ALWAYS have to say 'fun')

"Hello. Please allow me to tie you up in my underground dungeon so use you to slide and glide and slip, which will be fun."

Ryan Gosling... not sure who he is. I rarely watch movies.

I could also be myself: not say anything. This strategy would work well if I were a woman.

[ibanezmonster]

I could also be myself: not say anything. This strategy would work well if I were a woman.

That's it! I should change genders and become a lesbian!

...but wait, lesbians don't approach other women, do they?... 

[snyprrr]

"Hello. Please allow me to tie you up in my underground dungeon so use you to slide and glide and slip, which will be fun."

Ryan Gosling... not sure who he is. I rarely watch movies.

I could also be myself: not say anything. This strategy would work well if I were a woman.

That's it! I should change genders and become a lesbian!

...but wait, lesbians don't approach other women, do they?... 

It's going to be a long night.


Look, I'm sure we all want the same thing here, but 1979-81 seems to doggedly not want to come back for whatever reason, so, we haaave to rouse ourselves out of this slumber and come up with better solutions. Otherwise, it's, Talk to the Hand... and no one wants that either, so, let us snap to and come up with something truly useful, eh? Look up "Ryan Gosling" and get back to me... (saying "nothing" is not an option for us mere mortals)... (wait... you live in Florida, right? You may be fucked- but I didn't say that- always always keep griiinding away at the cold stone that is your next future ex-girlfriend's heart- whomerver  she may be.



Ask a girl at the same produce section if you can "toss her salad". Tell me how that goes down. It should work.


















At ease soldier

[ibanezmonster]

Look up "Ryan Gosling" and get back to me...

Anything specific? (short clips?)

wait... you live in Florida, right?

yes

Ask a girl at the same produce section if you can "toss her salad". Tell me how that goes down. It should work.

I looked that up... wish I hadn't. There are just things I wouldn't do with someone no matter who they are or what they looked like.

I would be too grossed out thinking about it to effectively tell the joke.

[ibanezmonster]

For everyone who was pestering me about using the phrase "hang out" instead of "date," watch 4:13 of this video.

http://www.youtube.com/v/35tFzqhU17w

Pretty clear, right?

btw, I'm tempted to watch more of this guy's videos. Dude is constantly annoyed, never smiles and is hilarious.

[snyprrr]

I had an incident last night.

I went to the fairly decent restaurant/bar/roadhouse where any band might be playing- the Nats were getting ready to lose in the 18th!- and she was wearing leopard print.

Sooooo,... I'm walking her out to her car... she says "hang out"... I get the number... I leave...





So what went wrong you aks?


Weakness happened, Greg,... weakness happened.




Just a totally unrelated question- Have you ever been with someone "there"- naked, together, there, now- and POOF!, Nope, It Ain't Happenin'! And I don't mean you married guys- chortle!

Just another totally unrelated question- What do you think of "Bad Sex"? Just thinking about it makes me seasick. Or...




Did I tell you that once, i showed up at the damsel's apartment with wine and crab cakes, and... hey... look... at... all... the... dolls... everywhere... "Hey, you want to watch 'Patch Adams'?"...

brrrrrrrrrrrr

I had a date once get her dinner, take a few bites, get a bag, and want to leave!


Or,... how about?... mmm...in college, somehow beyond belief, I was in my dorm with My Dreamboat, never kissed,... watching 'Plan 9'... and some girl calls and I said I would go to her birthday party or what,... and I WENT ... DOH!! ... and of course that was a total bomb ("I don't date guys who aren't..."), and then of course I was a fool before My Now Not-Sweetheart,... waaaaahhh . Oh Megan McGonnell where are you, waaaahhhh I was an idiot,... I'm still,... uh,..., mmm,...


Another time, I gave the bartender I was in love with (she looked like Barabara Stanwyck, wrrrowwwrrrr) a REAL pearl necklace,... like one I paid money for! oy vey...




oh, how sad








And I'm seeing lots of couples around,... and it's getting cold out,... who wants to be alone another holidays?.. who? who?

[Brian]

Dropping by to inform all of you people that I went to a symphony concert today, saw Shostakovich performed live, and met two lovely young ladies who enjoyed the music as much as I did. So don't be such pessimists. Instead, take (polite, respectful) action.

Just a totally unrelated question- Have you ever been with someone "there"- naked, together, there, now- and POOF!, Nope, It Ain't Happenin'!

Yes. There have been two occasions where I had to say no because it would have been unethical to continue. Once because she was intoxicated and not her right self, and once because she (different she) was in love with me and I was not in love with her.

Being true to yourself and true to others is more important than jumping bones.

[Florestan]

Dropping by to inform all of you people that I went to a symphony concert today, saw Shostakovich performed live, and met two lovely young ladies who enjoyed the music as much as I did. So don't be such pessimists. Instead, take (polite, respectful) action.

Whoooaaaa! Hear, hear, folks! If ever in the mood for a threesome, go Shostakovich live!

Yes. There have been two occasions where I had to say no because it would have been unethical to continue. Once because she was intoxicated and not her right self, and once because she (different she) was in love with me and I was not in love with her.

Being true to yourself and true to others is more important than jumping bones.

Hat off to you, Brian! A true gentleman!

[ibanezmonster]

Dropping by to inform all of you people that I went to a symphony concert today, saw Shostakovich performed live, and met two lovely young ladies who enjoyed the music as much as I did. So don't be such pessimists. Instead, take (polite, respectful) action.

I actually saw a group of young people at the Shostakovich concert I went to once and it included two girls.

I also once went to a piano recital at the library and I was literally the only person under the age of 40 (or 50?) out of somewhere between 50 and 100 people. Classical music + that's the type of place I live in.

Going to concerts is definitely a good idea for meeting people, but it really can't be your only option. Your work has to make sure you have Friday/whatever it is nights off. You should live within a reasonable distance from the concert hall. And also keep in mind how few girls are actually single: in my experience, about 5-10%. So maybe plan on going to 10 or 20 concerts, asking for numerous phone numbers before you get a date. Oh, and if you can manage to sit by a girl that isn't with her boyfriend- you'd have to do some hunting among the sea of old people for that. It's rare to see a girl by herself for some reason; as many people as I have to interact with each day, it's extremely rare that I get to talk to any 20-something year old girl who is not with her boyfriend. On the extremely rare occasion that I do, I'll just act normal but they give me some bad vibes and act really quiet and just want to leave as soon as possible. 

Hold on, just realized... it's been a while since I went to a concert, but don't they have assigned seating (not sections only, but specific rows as well?)

Of course, I'll keep this option open in the future...

[Florestan]

I also once went to a piano recital at the library and I was literally the only person under the age of 40 (or 50?) out of somewhere between 50 and 100 people.

Forty-something is just perfect and they oftenly look for twenty-something. Just saying. 

[ibanezmonster]

Forty-something is just perfect and they oftenly look for twenty-something. Just saying. 

Except I'm almost never attracted to women over 40. That'll change when I reach that age, but now... uh... no. (My mom isn't even 50 yet). 

In no rush to grow up... to be more specific, I couldn't point out anyone that looked younger than 60, but I'm sure there were some, which is why I said 40-50.

[kishnevi]

Look for two or three girls sitting together.

There is of course the chance that they are celebrating a girls night out and have left boyfriends/husbands on their own for the evening.

There is also the chance that they are a lesbian couple.

But at least you won't have to deal with the boyfriend glaring at you situation.

[Florestan]

Look for two or three girls sitting together.

There is of course the chance that they are celebrating a girls night out and have left boyfriends/husbands on their own for the evening.

There is also the chance that they are a lesbian couple.

But at least you won't have to deal with the boyfriend glaring at you situation.