The Joke Thread

[Saul]

Polish Sausage

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

[Saul]

Looks like this guy is a little too much into cats...

[Joe Barron]

Q: What's brown and sits in a bell tower?
A: The lunchbag of Notre Dame.

Q: What did the snail say when it went for a ride on the back of the tortoise?
A: Wheeeeeeee!

[Superhorn]

  Here are some more miscellaneous ones.

What's the difference between a vulture and a Jewish mother?
A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Why didn't the kid tell his mother that he had eaten some glue?
His lips were sealed.

Be kind to your dentist, because he has fillings,too.

Why don't cross-eyed people make good teachers?

They can't control their pupils.

  Why should you go to performances of Giselle at the ballet?
That's because there's nothing like Adam.

Mary had a little lamb. And the doctors fainted.

Demons are a ghoul's best friend.

Sign in a dentist's office: Nothing dentured,nothing gained.

Sunburn-a fry in the ointment.

Proctology- a career where the doctor starts at the bottom and
stays there.

Doctors and lawyers agree- the best things in life are fee.

When a society has to resort to a lavatory for humor, the writing is on the wall.

Definition of a psychiatrist: A talent scout for mental institutions.

Definition of an old-timer: Some one who can remember when bacon and eggs and sunshine were good for us.

When in a hospital, always guard your rear. Remember,you're in enema territory.

Mother: My daughter has me worried, running around with that new doctor in town.
Friend: Don't worry. Just feed her an apple a day.

What do you get when you cross Dracula with a pig?
A hampire.

Did you hear about the pig who got castrated? He was disgruntled.




                                                                  

[Opus106]

I don't get the Giselle one. (Yes, I'm aware that the music was composed by Adolphe Adam.)

[Gurn Blanston]

New Panties

A frustrated wife buys  a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead  sex-life.  She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits  on the sofa opposite her husband.  At strategic moments she  uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks,

"Are  you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a  seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the  cat."




He never heard the gunshot 




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Now playing:
Spada (Keyboard \ Bolognese (Violin) \ Bergamelli (Cello) - Clementi Op 29 #3 Sonata in D for Keyboard, Violin & Cello 2nd mvmt - Finale: Molto vivace

[Superhorn]

   That's pun on "There is nothing like a dame" from "South Pacific".

[Opus106]

   That's pun on "There is nothing like a dame" from "South Pacific".

Thanks. Obviously, I'd never heard of the musical before.

[Saul]

This car runs on milk...

[Gurn Blanston]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey I haven't seen you in awhile.  What happened?  You look terrible..."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand
was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one
of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"Well, you see, I was just back from havin' the hook fitted...."



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Now playing:
La Petite Bande / Kuijken - Hob 01 089 Symphony #89 in F 1st mvmt - Vivace

[karlhenning]

Ouch!

[Saul]

There were these two swedish twins who looked so incredibly alike, that sometimes they borrowed money from each other without the other really knowing about it.

[Saul]

An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped
at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way
to Belfast?" The Irishmen asked, "Are you walking or driving?"
The Australian replied, "I'm driving!" The Irishman said, "Aye,
that'd be the quickest way!"

[The new erato]

In these turbulent time, let's re-visit this lesson on economics.

Socialism
You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

Communism
You have 2 cows. The State takes them both and gives you some milk.

Fascism
You have 2 cows. The State takes both of them and sells you some milk.

Bureaucratism
You have 2 cows. The State takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

Traditional Capitalism
You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.You sell them and retire on the income.

Surrealism
You have 2 giraffes. The Government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

An American corporation
You have 2 cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of 4 cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow dropped dead.

A French corporation
You have 2 cows. You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads because you want 3 cows.

A Japanese corporation
You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A German corporation
You have 2 cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

An Italian corporation
You have 2 cows but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A Russian corporation
You have 2 cows. You count them and discover you have 5 cows. You count them again and learn you have 43 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A Swiss corporation
You have 5000 cows but none of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A Chinese corporation
You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim you have full employment and high bovine productivity. The police arrest the journalist who reported the real situation.

An Indian corporation
You have 2 cows. You worship them.

A British corporation.
You have 2 cows. Both are mad.

An Iraqi corporation
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the bejesus out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

An Australian corporation
You have 2 cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A New Zealand corporation
You have 2 cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.....


Any suggestions as to what a Progressive Corporation would do?

[springrite]

You have two cows but both are lesbian cows...

[The new erato]

You have two cows but both are lesbian cows...

And they milk each other?

[springrite]

And they milk each other?

Is there any other way?

[karlhenning]

A Russian Soviet corporation
You have 2 cows. You count them and discover you have 5 cows. You count them again and learn you have 43 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

You have a five-cow plan, which you exceed because of the milkers' enthusiasm.

[Superhorn]

   Who received the first heart transplant?
    Richard the Lion Hearted.

What the main disease affecting the members of the senate and congress in Washington? Spendicitis.

When a society has to resort to the lavatory for humor,the writing is on the wall.

Definition of  a psychiatrist: A talent scout for mental institutions.

Mothering is only one letter away from smothering.

Some people cause joy wherever they go;others cause joy whenever they go.

Never get into an argument with a schizophrenic and say"Who do you think you are?"

I like long walks,especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

I refuse to do a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Do witches run spell checks?

Dain bramaged.

Budget- a method of going broke methodically.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to to drown too?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

There can't be a crisis today.My schedule is already too full.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

I'd kill for a Nobel peace prize.

There are three kinds of people; those who can count,and those who
can't.

Be nice to your kids; they're the ones who will choose your
nursing home.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will do.

Proof read to see if you any words out.

I can see clearly now.... the brain is gone.

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

Life is spent between episodes of women being mad at you.

My reality check bounced.

Forget the flag- burn a politician!

The proper response to "good morning" is not "prove it!"

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Always borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.

Energizer bunny arrested,charged with battery.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier!

God grant me the senility to forget the people I couldn't stand,
the good fortune to run into the people I really liked, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

What does Mike Tyson say to his girlfriends when he's with them?
"Mace will do that to you".


                                          






                           

[Philoctetes]

From Family Guy:

"You're as lame as FDR."