The Joke Thread

[Kalevala]

Three for adults (vs. for kids):

A cat walks into a bar and hops up on the counter. The bartender laughs and says, "Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?"

The cat scowls. "Look, man, I've been working all day, and I'm tired. I need a drink, not a silly pun. Now shut up and give me a whisker sour."

Another one:  Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.

And, one last silly/stupid one:

A cat walks into a bar and sees an empty counter.
He saunters up to the bartender and asks for a shot of whiskey.
The bartender looks at the cat and says,
"Rough day, huh? Maybe you should try chasing a laser pointer. That always seems to cheer me up."
The cat glances at the bartender and then replies,
"I tried that earlier today and it just made me feel like life is meaningless and unfulfilling. No thanks, I'll stick with the whiskey."
The bartender pours the cat a shot of whiskey.
The cat glances at it and then proceeds to flick it off the counter with a flick of his paw.
The bartender can't believe his eyes.
"What are you doing?" he exclaims.
"You just ordered a shot of whiskey and now you're wasting it!"
The cat looks up at the bartender with a smug expression and says,
"I'm a cat. I don't drink whiskey. I just like knocking things off counters."

K

[Karl Henning]

A friend and fellow musician posted this on Facebook:

So I was driving a shift for Uber last evening and I picked up a girl from the dorms at IU-Indianapolis. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed....

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the bar. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily married.

She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."

[Kalevala]

A friend and fellow musician posted this on Facebook:

So I was driving a shift for Uber last evening and I picked up a girl from the dorms at IU-Indianapolis. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed....

Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me. I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...

So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the bar. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily married.

She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."

Boo!  Boo, boo, booooo!

K

[Karl Henning]

Seen on Blue Sky (and there's the odd chance it's been posted to this thread some time ago)

"I found 20 quid outside the supermarket and I felt a little bit guilty as I picked it up, so because it's Good Friday I thought to myself, "What would Jesus do?".

So I turned it into wine..."

[LKB]

Boo!  Boo, boo, booooo!

K

That was awesome, loved it.

[Karl Henning]

Area man who collects dozens of Beethoven piano sonata cycles pronounces opera "culturally irrelevant."