The Joke Thread

[Saul]

What's 2 + 2?

Well.. its not Four you to decide!

[Superhorn]

  Why are polticians like diapers ? They both need to be changed frequently,and for the same reason.

A crocodile goes to his doctor and complains "Doc,I don't seem to have any get up and go any more. I just don't have the stamina to lie there for hours in the water waiting for prey. What's the matter with me?"
   The doctor examines the croc, and then tells him "It appears you have a reptile dyfunction."

  Diplomacy is the patriotic act of lying for your country-Ambrose Bierce.

   Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards,and if you disgrace yourself,you can always write a book-Ronald Reagan.

  The right to be heard does not necessarily include the right to be taken seriously. Hubert H. Humphrey.

  I don't intend for this to to take on a political tone.I'm just there for the drugs. Nancy Reagan on the "Just Say No" anti-drug campaign.

  One of the great things about books is sometimes there are great pictures in them. Goerge W. Bush.

  Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically,by definition be disqualified from ever doing so.
  Gore Vidal.

  Osama Bin Laden was worried about his future and wondered when he was going to die. So he consulted a Muslim soothsayer and and asked about this. The soothsayer gazed into a crystal ball and said
"You will die on an American holiday". Bin Laden asked excitedly "What American holiday?"  The soothsayer replies "It doesn't matter.Any day you die will be an American holiday".

  Two goats were graing around an old abandones Hollywood studio.
   One of them sees an old film reel and eats it. The other asks about it. The reply? "To tell you the truth,the book was better".

[Saul]

I promise you that I was driving yesterday in China Town and I saw a peculiar thing:

'New Tu Do Restaurant'...

LOL

Here it is:

[Superhorn]

   Great  One Liners:

  Love is a matter of chemistry.Sex is a matter of physics.

  Laughing stock:Cattle with a sense of humor.

  I went to my doctor because I had a piece of cereal stuck in my ear.
  He told me I wasn't eating right.

  I like long walks,especially when they are taken by other people.

  There are three kinds of people;those who can count and those who can't.

  Don't use a big world when a diminutive one will suffice.

  I can see clearly now...the brain is gone.

  Dain bramaged.

  The beatings will continue until morale improves.

  I don't have a soltuion,but I admire the problem.

  If one synchronized swimmer drowns,do the others have to drown too?

It's not hard to meet expenses.They're everywhere.

  Demons are a ghoul's best friend.

  Department of redundancy department.

  A penny saved is a government oversight.

  Energizer bunny arrested.Charged with battery.

  If you can't be kind,at least have the decency to be vague.

  I don't suffer from stress.I'm a carrier.

  Headline:" Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat.

  Incontinence hotline... can you hold please?

 

 
 

[karlhenning]

   Great  One Liners:

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

Incontinence hotline ... can you hold please?

These in particular, very nice!

[Bogey]

Moe Howard teaches Mike Douglas how to throw pies at a face:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_METTgPnSWY

Still laughing.  What an honor it would have been to have him throw one at you.

[karlhenning]

Well, but the pie-throwing classic really is:

http://www.youtube.com/v/vSgRkBWNlBo

[MN Dave]

[Saul]

What ya lookin'at?

[Superhorn]

   One day in heaven,God was feeling very tired and stressed from all his hard work,so he went to Saint Peter to ask him about
recommendations for where to take a vacation.
  Saint Peter said,"How about the planet Mercury? "" No,it's too hot over there". "How about Saturn"."No,it's too cold there".
"  How about Jupiter?" Nope, the gravity is too strong and it hurt my back".
  "I know, how about the planet earth? The climate's great, and there are lots of fun things to do".
   God replied, "Earth? Are you kidding? 2,000 years ago I had an affair with a nice Jewish girl there,and they're still talking about it !"





                                                                                 

[George]

For the open minded, Gilbert Godfried has the best Jesus joke I ever heard. Unfortunately, I can't repeat it here. I heard it on youtube.

[springrite]

For the open minded, Gilbert Godfried has the best Jesus joke I ever heard. Unfortunately, I can't repeat it here. I heard it on youtube.

Don't worry. Even the close minded will laugh. (...and post an angry reply after they've stopped laughing)

[Scarpia]

For the open minded, Gilbert Godfried has the best Jesus joke I ever heard. Unfortunately, I can't repeat it here. I heard it on youtube.

A link, at least?

[George]

A link, at least?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22GI3xz3ryg

[Brahmsian]

Jim Gaffigan.

 


My wife and I love this comedian.  Here is his 'Just for Laughs' skit, which includes his bacon jokes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qle-vjHoQa4&feature=related

[DavidW]

Love the bacon jokes... and hot pockets   I think his best is the explanation for the christmas tree...

[Brahmsian]

Love the bacon jokes... and hot pockets   I think his best is the explanation for the christmas tree...

Oh David, I enjoyed the hot pockets! 

[Benji]

He's the kind of comedian you could take home to visit your gran. 

[Satzaroo]

  *MORNING  COFFEE IN ROME*
*Four  Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having  coffee in St.Peters Square .
The  first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is  a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone  calls him 'Father'."


The second Catholic  man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.  When he  walks into a room people call him 'Your  Grace'."


The  third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.  When he enters a room everyone bows  their head and says 'Your  Eminence'."


The  fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son  is the Pope. When he walks into a room  people call him 'Your  Holiness'."


Since  the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee  in silence, The four men give her a subtle,  "Well....?"
She  proudly replies, "I have a  daughter,

SLIM
TALL
38D  BREAST
24"  WAIST and
34"  HIPS
*
*When she walks into a  room, people say, "Oh My  God."  *

[Superhorn]

     Here are some Halloween jokes:

   What do you call a witch who leaves at the beach? A sand witch.

   What do you get when you cross Dracula with a pig?
   A hampire !

   Why do witches fly on broomsticks? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy !

  Where do most werewolves live? Howlywood,California !

  Why did the witch go on a diet? She wanted to keep her
  ghoulish figure!

  Why are demons and ghouls always hanging around together?
  Because demons are a ghoul's best friend !

  Why did the vampire go to an orthodontist? To improve his bite !

  What's Dracula's favorite place to visit in New York?
   The Vampire State Building !

   What do you get when you take the insides out of a hot dog?
   A hollow weenie !

   What's the favorite dog breed of vampires? The bloodhound !

   Why do vampires use mouthwash? They have bat breath !

   What do ghosts put in their cereal at breakfast every morning?
   Boo-berries !

   What do vampires,werewolves, and ghosts drink on Halloween when they get thirsty?  Ghoul-aid !


   You may groan away freely.