The Joke Thread

[milk]

adding to my collection of Jewish Jokes (stolen from Gilbert Gottfried - um, don't tell it if you're not Jewish?):

A Jewish couple goes to the doctor because they're having trouble in the bedroom. The doctor says, "there's an operation I can do on the husband that'll change everything. If you get it, it'll fix all the troubles with your sex-life. You'll be delighted. The operation will cost 900$. I want you to go home and think about this and come back tomorrow and tell me your decision. It costs 900$, but it will transform your love-making."
The next day the couple comes back and the doctor asks them what they've decided.
They reply, "we've decided to redo the kitchen cabinets." 

[geralmar]

[Irons]

A group of friends all turning 40, discussed where to meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston because the bar staff had big tits.

Ten years later, at age of 50, they discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, they agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because the bar staff were attractive and excellent beer selection.

Ten years later, at 60, they again discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because plenty of parking, and dine in peace with no loud music, and value for money.

Ten years later, at 70, the friends discussed where to meet.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons at Kingston, because it was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at 80, the friends discussed where they should meet up for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston, because they had never been there before.

[vandermolen]

Hilarious. Made me laugh.
Thanks

[vandermolen]

A group of friends all turning 40, discussed where to meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston because the bar staff had big tits.

Ten years later, at age of 50, they discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, they agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because the bar staff were attractive and excellent beer selection.

Ten years later, at 60, they again discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because plenty of parking, and dine in peace with no loud music, and value for money.

Ten years later, at 70, the friends discussed where to meet.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons at Kingston, because it was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at 80, the friends discussed where they should meet up for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston, because they had never been there before.

[Pohjolas Daughter]

[Pohjolas Daughter]

Here are some family-friendly ones:  https://www.funology.com/bird-jokes/

Here's one:  Q: Why did Mozart sell his chickens?
                   A: Because they kept saying "bach bach"!

Lots of boos, but good if you have young kids (or know ones).   

PD

[Iota]

Man walks into a bar .....


Lucky Bastard

[Pohjolas Daughter]

Man walks into a bar .....


Lucky Bastard

Luckier still if he has at least a homemade mask (sad to say).

[Florestan]

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

[steve ridgway]

"This is not the worst ever Easter, says Jesus".

https://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/this-is-not-the-worst-ever-easter-says-jesus-20200410195353

[drogulus]

     Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

[steve ridgway]

     Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?

I can't believe I just said that .

[drogulus]

     Zeno walks half way into a bar......Zeno walks half way into a bar......

[Irons]

Just announced!

[Florestan]

I can't believe I just said that .

I'll dream you both away this night.

[Papy Oli]

Just announced!

Hell of a 100th birthday party 

[Irons]

Hell of a 100th birthday party 

Wonder if ours will be as good when we get there, Olivier.

[Papy Oli]

Wonder if ours will be as good when we get there, Olivier.

Will be nice to get there, Lol... some nice chocolate, a glass of sherry and blasting Walton's 1st on the retirement home's speakers, that'd be nice... can't wait...

[Irons]

Will be nice to get there, Lol... some nice chocolate, a glass of sherry and blasting Walton's 1st on the retirement home's speakers, that'd be nice... can't wait...

Turn it up a bit! I can't hear it!!