The Joke Thread

[drogulus]

     What if there were no hypothetical questions?

[vandermolen]

https://www.youtube.com/v/R87VRUvmNh0

Excellent! I wonder which came first - this or Mark Steele. He did a series on scientists in history. The other one which made me laugh was, while dresseh up as Newton with a 'Newton's Cradle' in front of him he demonstrated his theory of gravity not by using it but by smashing the whole thing into a vase at the end of the table.

Here is Mark Steel's lecture on Freud.
I put an extraneous 'e' on his name in earlier posts:

https://youtu.be/Etiwwbpr1Y4

Here is his lecture on Newton. The demonstration using Newton's Crasle is at about 9.15 minutes.

https://youtu.be/cEbreJsRo08

[vandermolen]

Why did the astronomer put a hamburger in the bathtub?






Cause he wanted a meatier shower!

Excellent! 😀

[geralmar]

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, a dyslexic, and an insomniac? ... a person who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

Then there was the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.

[vandermolen]

My daughter posted this to me:

[SimonNZ]

For Passover:

[JBS]

For Passover:

[Ken B]

For Passover:

It scares me that I get that joke.

Note a joke, but sad, and related: Recently the AP reported that when in mourning Jews sit and shiver.


Who paid for the last supper?
Jesus got nailed for it.

[Florestan]

It scares me that I get that joke.

Please, guys, enlighten me. I didn't get it at all. 

[Florestan]

It's a play on the the words night and knight. The translation of the phrase the knight uttered is "Why is tonight different from all other nights?"

Thanks a lot. Funny indeed.

[Ken B]

     What if there were no hypothetical questions?

What is a rhetorical answer?

[Karl Henning]

Courtesy of the immortal Phil Proctor (though I have an idea I heard it before now)

A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol, and yelled, "I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven-round magazine plus one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

Avoice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!"

[Ken B]

Courtesy of the immortal Phil Proctor (though I have an idea I heard it before now)

A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his unholstered pistol, and yelled, "I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven-round magazine plus one in the chamber, and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

Avoice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!"

Ha!

[milk]

adding to my collection of Jewish Jokes (stolen from Gilbert Gottfried - um, don't tell it if you're not Jewish?):

A Jewish couple goes to the doctor because they're having trouble in the bedroom. The doctor says, "there's an operation I can do on the husband that'll change everything. If you get it, it'll fix all the troubles with your sex-life. You'll be delighted. The operation will cost 900$. I want you to go home and think about this and come back tomorrow and tell me your decision. It costs 900$, but it will transform your love-making."
The next day the couple comes back and the doctor asks them what they've decided.
They reply, "we've decided to redo the kitchen cabinets." 

[geralmar]

[Irons]

A group of friends all turning 40, discussed where to meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston because the bar staff had big tits.

Ten years later, at age of 50, they discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, they agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because the bar staff were attractive and excellent beer selection.

Ten years later, at 60, they again discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because plenty of parking, and dine in peace with no loud music, and value for money.

Ten years later, at 70, the friends discussed where to meet.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons at Kingston, because it was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at 80, the friends discussed where they should meet up for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston, because they had never been there before.

[vandermolen]

Hilarious. Made me laugh.
Thanks

[vandermolen]

A group of friends all turning 40, discussed where to meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston because the bar staff had big tits.

Ten years later, at age of 50, they discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, they agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because the bar staff were attractive and excellent beer selection.

Ten years later, at 60, they again discussed where to eat for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons, Kingston because plenty of parking, and dine in peace with no loud music, and value for money.

Ten years later, at 70, the friends discussed where to meet.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons at Kingston, because it was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at 80, the friends discussed where they should meet up for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons in Kingston, because they had never been there before.

[Pohjolas Daughter]

[Pohjolas Daughter]

Here are some family-friendly ones:  https://www.funology.com/bird-jokes/

Here's one:  Q: Why did Mozart sell his chickens?
                   A: Because they kept saying "bach bach"!

Lots of boos, but good if you have young kids (or know ones).   

PD