The Dating Thread

[Mirror Image]

Basically.
(though I expected this).

Still a mystery to me how people are able to form relationships when most people are busy 50+ hours a week; really, how does that happen? I hear about busy men that work 80 hours a week and have no time for their wives, but how did they even find time to build a relationship with them in the first place? Regardless, if I'm busy 60+ hours a week, that would be the cutoff line and I absolutely wouldn't want to be in a relationship at that point.

I noticed that I started this topic when it was the beginning of May and wasn't overloaded with work. From now to the end of the year, it'll be easily a 60 hour a week struggle... it's at the point to where I feel guilty for spending 2 hours with a friend yesterday and 3 hours with another friend today on my days off. That's 5 hours I could have used for homework! And typing this is a few minutes I could have used for homework! I can't even get a haircut or go to the gym I'm so busy...

There has to be some kind of cut made somewhere in order to have a relationship. Something has to give at some point. There's simply no other way.

[ibanezmonster]

There has to be some kind of cut made somewhere in order to have a relationship. Something has to give at some point. There's simply no other way.

Must be a contradiction to the fundamental laws of the universe then.

[jochanaan]

Greg, in my experience, relationships happen when you least expect them to--just about the time you've given up on them.  And never when I'm actually trying to find one!

The best advice I can give you is simply to be friendly.

When I was a freshman in college, I made the decision that I was no longer going to be shy.  It seemed to work for me!  Looking back, I can see I did two things: I taught myself how to speak the first words, the ones that break the ice.  And they don't always have to be "Hi, how are you?"  I also taught myself how to listen--not just wait for my chance to speak, but actually to hear and be interested in what the other person is saying.  Sometimes that even gives me conversation openings.  Example: Someone may say something about a political figure I'm interested in.  Then I can say, "Oh, I heard his speech the other day!  Wasn't it good?"  Or something like that.

Through this, I've learned that many folks are desperately hungry for simple conversation.  Not conversation aimed at "establishing a relationship" or "evangelizing" or necessarily aimed at anything at all--just good, natural talk.

In other words: The other folks, including many cute girls, are just as nervous as you are, and just as thankful to have someone actually pay attention to them.

But--and this is important--keep it light at first!  Don't try to work up to asking her for a date, don't even give the impression you "really really like" her.  Give the friendship time to build.  Time enough for the heavy stuff after you've naturally become friends.

[ibanezmonster]

Greg, in my experience, relationships happen when you least expect them to--just about the time you've given up on them.  And never when I'm actually trying to find one!

I've many people say this. Must be nice. That experiment was the first time I tried anything in years after giving up.
I think that this is more like a second step; if you aren't in the right environment to begin with, it really doesn't matter whether you try or not.

The best advice I can give you is simply to be friendly.

When I was a freshman in college, I made the decision that I was no longer going to be shy.  It seemed to work for me!  Looking back, I can see I did two things: I taught myself how to speak the first words, the ones that break the ice.  And they don't always have to be "Hi, how are you?"  I also taught myself how to listen--not just wait for my chance to speak, but actually to hear and be interested in what the other person is saying.  Sometimes that even gives me conversation openings.  Example: Someone may say something about a political figure I'm interested in.  Then I can say, "Oh, I heard his speech the other day!  Wasn't it good?"  Or something like that.

Through this, I've learned that many folks are desperately hungry for simple conversation.  Not conversation aimed at "establishing a relationship" or "evangelizing" or necessarily aimed at anything at all--just good, natural talk.

In other words: The other folks, including many cute girls, are just as nervous as you are, and just as thankful to have someone actually pay attention to them.

But--and this is important--keep it light at first!  Don't try to work up to asking her for a date, don't even give the impression you "really really like" her.  Give the friendship time to build.  Time enough for the heavy stuff after you've naturally become friends.

That's ideal, and what I try to do, or what I'd try to do if I knew anyone.

btw, haven't seen you post in a while. Either I've been missing your posts or you've been gone a while; good to see you posting again.

[jochanaan]

Greg, it sounds like you need to get out more.  Go to some concerts; check out your local coffeeshop or organic-food cafe or art gallery--you find some very interesting folks there.

[Phrygian]

Jochanaan has offered some excellent advice here, Greg, about the art of conversation.  I've only just seen this thread and I'm about to celebrate my 40th wedding anniversary so some advice for you.

Firstly, internet dating sites are fraught with danger;  love-rats (as they are now known) are everywhere on them and hardly onebody tells the truth.  There are myriad stories of people being ripped off and losing their cash, not to mention their self-respect.  I would avoid these sites absolutely. 

Secondly, people are interested in YOU when YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THEM.  In short, reciprocity is key.  Too much narcissism these days and the genuinely nice people are tired of 'narcs' and looking for real people!  My daughter is 31, attractive, intelligent (Communications degree) and hasn't been in a decent relationship for some years now.  There are many more women in our major capital city than men, but I think she made some poor choices earlier and this has affected her ability to attract somebody really nice;  besides, most of the fellows in her age group are already partnered.

No good saying "I don't want a kid" (and the language right there - it's cold, Greg!).  Lots of women DO have children from previous relationships, so that leads me to Point 3:  don't be too choosey;  keep an open mind and you might be terribly surprised that a wonderful person may NOT actually tick all the boxes at first.  I mean, it's not like choosing breakfast cereal off a shelf in the supermarket.  My husband wasn't my ideal or 'type' when we met, but his sheer warmth, sensitivity and sincerity gradually eroded my 'list'!! 

Get involved with people face to face;  if I was a young person I'd join a music group, bush-walking, bike-riding or other pursuit where I'd find like-minded people and from there just take it easy and develop FRIENDSHIP first.  Bike-riding in groups is hugely popular these days and, besides, it's good and healthy being in the outdoors with other people.

Good luck!

[ibanezmonster]

These suggestions are good and I appreciate them, but I don't have the time to do all this stuff right now. I'll keep them in mind for whenever I do, though...

No good saying "I don't want a kid" (and the language right there - it's cold, Greg!).  Lots of women DO have children from previous relationships, so that leads me to Point 3:  don't be too choosey;  keep an open mind and you might be terribly surprised that a wonderful person may NOT actually tick all the boxes at first. 

That's kind of a sad thought, though. I don't have kids nor want them, yet should expect someone else to have them? It just isn't equal. I guess only if it were someone special enough, it wouldn't matter.

Firstly, internet dating sites are fraught with danger;  love-rats (as they are now known) are everywhere on them and hardly onebody tells the truth.  There are myriad stories of people being ripped off and losing their cash, not to mention their self-respect.  I would avoid these sites absolutely. 

I've heard about this...

[Phrygian]

OK Greg, I understand what you're saying about children.  My daughter has always said the same thing and it's become a self-fulfilling prophesy!!

And I understand time-poor people and this is, in part, a reason for the proliferation of dating sites.  The other part of the equation is the breakdown of community and society generally;  we tend to live behind our front doors and people just don't seem to become involved these days - for whatever reason.  I'm also guilty of this;  when many people my own age do volunteering my husband and I stay at home and pursue our own interests or travel.  We don't think "community" at all and I do think we miss out on a lot because of our attitudes.

You'll meet somebody nice in the future and I hope she loves great music!!

[ibanezmonster]

You'll meet somebody nice in the future and I hope she loves great music!!

Thanks. The point about community is a good one, and there are pretty simple reasons why places don't seem to have much of a community, or they are formed in a different sort of way.

[jochanaan]

...That's kind of a sad thought, though. I don't have kids nor want them, yet should expect someone else to have them? It just isn't equal...

Neither Phrygian nor I are saying anything about "expectations;" we're just reminding you of reality.  Unless you limit yourself to early-teenaged women, it's very likely any woman you become friends with will already have children.  But speaking as one whose ex-wife and later fiancee both had children, that's not so bad!  You get a "package deal"--and boy, you'd better be ready to accept the whole package, because you are NOT going to come between any woman and her children! Still, if it comes to that, she'll appreciate having another adult to help out.  But, as I said earlier, there's time enough for that kind of thing after you become friends.

The older I get, the less interested I am in what a person looks like on the outside.  What's more important is the kind of soul-connection that builds between friends or more-than-friends.

[ibanezmonster]

I don't want any discussion on previous content in this thread, but I just have to point out something wonderful and this is the only place to do it.

I'm so glad I didn't ask that girl out or flirt or anything. I found out the guy she started dating (starting slightly before I got the chance to talk to her regularly) is someone we work with. All three of us joke around and play like kids. If I didn't know she was dating him, I could have potentially made it really awkward and messed that up. I like people you can throw stuff at and say messed up stuff (and have them do the same to you)- all good fun.

So thanks to Facebook for the information and thanks to myself for not being rash.

[ibanezmonster]

Oh, that makes me realize that taking no action is what I should have done throughout my whole life. It would have prevented much awkwardness and in some cases it ends MUCH more favorably than it ever could have if I did take action.

[ibanezmonster]

Well, I might possibly have a date in the next few weeks, which would be better than experimenting on some dating site.  The girl I was thinking about had a short-lived relationship and broke up with him a week ago. She said she's busy for about two weeks but will be glad to hang out after that (same here, behind with school atm). Later she asked me for my phone number. The only thing is that some of her guy friends are also interested in the fact that she is recently broken up; she says most of her friends are guys- she prefers being around guys because they "are more direct" and girls "overthink things and can be manipulative." Interesting... maybe it's actually a good thing most of my friends are guys, then. 

[Mirror Image]

Well, I might possibly have a date in the next few weeks, which would be better than experimenting on some dating site.  The girl I was thinking about had a short-lived relationship and broke up with him a week ago. She said she's busy for about two weeks but will be glad to hang out after that (same here, behind with school atm). Later she asked me for my phone number. The only thing is that some of her guy friends are also interested in the fact that she is recently broken up; she says most of her friends are guys- she prefers being around guys because they "are more direct" and girls "overthink things and can be manipulative." Interesting... maybe it's actually a good thing most of my friends are guys, then. 

To me, a woman who hangs around a lot of guys means that she likes a lot of attention and demands that attention. Okay, so she gave you her number, but there's a bunch of other guys who are chomping at the bit to go out with her? Sounds like you've got a lot of competition. Either that or she's simply going to play you like a fiddle. I would tread very carefully here but if you're looking for another friend, then that's cool just don't get your hopes up. I don't mean to be negative about this, but I'm just saying that more chances than not, you're heading into a friend zone.

But, then again, I've been wrong many times and I hope this is the case here. Anyway, just giving this situation a dosage of reality. Good luck!

[Mirror Image]

Since this is a thread that seems to be aimed at 'finding love,' I just want to say that I've had my eye on this woman for quite some time and we've spoken many times. Hopefully, we can get some coffee as she said she would like to go out with me. Anyway, I'm just going to go slow and play it by ear. I think this woman and I have some things in common.

[Ken B]

Well, good luck to both Greg and John. And remember, there are worse things than getting a no, so don't be over-shy.

[ibanezmonster]

To me, a woman who hangs around a lot of guys means that she likes a lot of attention and demands that attention. Okay, so she gave you her number, but there's a bunch of other guys who are chomping at the bit to go out with her? Sounds like you've got a lot of competition. Either that or she's simply going to play you like a fiddle. I would tread very carefully here but if you're looking for another friend, then that's cool just don't get your hopes up. I don't mean to be negative about this, but I'm just saying that more chances than not, you're heading into a friend zone.

But, then again, I've been wrong many times and I hope this is the case here. Anyway, just giving this situation a dosage of reality. Good luck!

I don't mind another friend if just that. Would just mean more free time if it's nothing serious.
But yeah, given that it's my first real chance since high school (8 years ago), I'm used to the idea that options almost don't exist and that for every female there are 10 guys interested. Doesn't add up or make sense, but that's just how I've observed how it works in reality.

Since this is a thread that seems to be aimed at 'finding love,' I just want to say that I've had my eye on this woman for quite some time and we've spoken many times. Hopefully, we can get some coffee as she said she would like to go out with me. Anyway, I'm just going to go slow and play it by ear. I think this woman and I have some things in common.

Cool, good luck.

[Mirror Image]

Well, good luck to both Greg and John. And remember, there are worse things than getting a no, so don't be over-shy.

Thanks, Ken.

[Mirror Image]

I don't mind another friend if just that. Would just mean more free time if it's nothing serious.
But yeah, given that it's my first real chance since high school (8 years ago), I'm used to the idea that options almost don't exist and that for every female there are 10 guys interested. Doesn't add up or make sense, but that's just how I've observed how it works in reality.

Cool, good luck.

Thanks, Greg. Well, I hope it's more than just a 'friends' situation for you, but just take things slow and see where both of you stand. I think everyone deserves a chance at love. Some more than others.

[Mookalafalas]

And remember, there are worse things than getting a no.

  Yeah, like getting on Dexter's bad side, rectal cancer, being eaten alive by rats...