The Joke Thread

[DavidW]

How To Write Good

by Frank L. Visco
My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Profanity sucks.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?

[DavidW]

Yeah George that is always hilarious!

[Karl Henning]

Wicked good fun.

[Karl Henning]

No, this is the first I'm aware of it, George. And good day! : )

[Superhorn]

  Here are some examples of punography : Barbed wire was first used for de fence .

Suspenders were first made in 1841, but the company was held up .

In 1910 a Hungarian religious leader was found to be a Buddha pest .

In 1945, the first all-white Dalmatian dog was spotted .

Dieting is girth control .

The first flea market started from scratch .

In 1956 strip mining was banned in Boston.

Did you hear about the guy whose wife played a practical joke on him by
putting fire crackers in his pancakes ? He really blew his stack !

Tweezers will do in a pinch .

Two silkworms were in a race . They ended up in a tie .

Did you hear about the two boll weevils who grew up on a farm down south ?
One was very bright and ambitious, went to Harvard and MIT and became a famous scientist.
The other remained on the farm and never amounted to anything .
That one became known as the lesser of two weevils .

If you want to crash a houseboat party, just barge in !

Two wrongs might make a riot .

A manic depressive believes in "easy glum, easy glow ".

Versicle : a frozen poem on a stick .

Chicken coquette : a flirtatious hen .

If you're travelling in Scandinavia and come to the last Lapp,
you know you must be near the Finnish line .

Indecision : Under the whether .

[TheGSMoeller]

Stevie Wonder is getting a divorce, bet he didn't see that coming.

[mahler10th]

Stevie Wonder is getting a divorce, bet he didn't see that coming.

Groan...   

[david johnson]

Past, present, and future walked into a bar.  It was a tense moment.

[Superhorn]

    More terrible puns :

  Another name for Pavolov's dogs : The salivation army .  Archeology students  studying the plumbing facilities in ancient Egypt :
Pharaoh  faucet majors . 
Scottish cheese : Loch ness Muenster .  Geometry : What an acorn says once it's grown up .
Chinese lumberhjacks cut trees down with chopsticks .
She was only a trainman's daughter, loco with no motive .
Indecision : Under the whether .
If you want to crash a houseboat party, just barge in !
Communist plot: Where a Marxist gets buried .
Whenever a ghost gets lost in a fog, he's mist .
Greek demolition firm : Edifice Wrecks .
She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but he looved her still .
A Peruvian prince fished a beautiful maiden out of a river and made her his bride before the Inca was dry .
The conductor kept throwing tempo tantrums .
It's easy to milk a cow . Any jerk can do it .
Michael Jackson's  skin color : a pigment of his imagination .
What religion was Humpty Dumpty ?  He was an eggnostic .
Atheism is a non-prophet  organization .
Atheists : People with no invisible means of support .

[Florestan]

An Irishman leaves the pub.

[Brahmsian]

An old one, not really funny (but nevertheless):

Q - What is a harp seal's favourite drink?

A- Canadian Club on the rocks.

[Karl Henning]

An old one, not really funny (but nevertheless):

Q - What is a harp seal's favourite drink?

A- Canadian Club on the rocks.

Ouch!

Thread Duty:

This is a story I once heard in St Petersburg.

On a call-in radio show, once of the hosts referred to a traditional Russian saying, A guest who over-stays his welcome is worse than a Tartar. Anyone who has listened to Prokofiev's Aleksandr Nevsky, which opens with the brooding "Russia Beneath the Mongol Yoke," will get the allusion.

Well, this was in the days of the Soviet Union, when many non-Russian republics were (will they or nil they) part of the Union; and there were always citizens from the various Soviet republics residing in "both of the capitals," Moscow & St Petersburg.  So, not all that surprisingly, a fellow from one of the central Asian republics calls in, and complains. "Comrades, all of our peoples are brothers in devotion to the wonderful principles of Marxism-Leninism, and we are all united in the struggle against the evils of the capitalist warlords which continue to lay waste to the decadent West. Yet here you are making fun of, not to put too fine a point on it, people of my own ancestry with remarks like A guest who over-stays his welcome is worse than a Tartar.  Well, why pick on the Tartars? I wish we could change things for the better."

"All right," conceded the host. "What if we say instead, A guest who over-stays his welcome is . . . better than a Tartar!"

[Florestan]

Speking of which: Radio Erevan...

Q: Who invented communism, philosophers or scientists?
A: Philosophers because scientists would have first tested it on rats.

Q: What will happen if communism triumph in Sahara?
A: A sand shortage.

Q: Is it possible for communism to triumph in Switzerland?
A: Yes it is but it would be a pity.

Q: Why your broadcasts of late are that poor technically?
A: Because we're broadcasting from Siberia.

Q: Is it true that following the Tchernobyl disaster the whole management of the plant committed suicide?
A: Yes, except the party secretary who was not found at his home.

Q: Is it true that in the USSR there is no need for stereo equipment?
A: In principle it is, one hears the same thing from left and right anyway.

Q: What is the most powerful weapon in the world?
A: The cruiser Aurora: one blind shot resulted in 70 years of disaster.

Q: Is it true that fleas and ticks could start a revolution?
A: In principle yes, because in their arteries flows the blood of the working class.

Q: What countries does USSR border?
A: Any one it wishes.

Q: In our school we intend to perform Schiller's Wilhelm Tell, is it possible?
A: In principle yes but where will you get the apple from?

Q: Is returning from the Moon technically difficult?
A: No. The greatest difficulty is to convince the astronauts to return.

Q: Newspapers report that in a Romanian factory a placard was taken down which was inscribed: We'd better work for 10 Russians than for 1 American". Why is that?
A: Because they produced coffins.

Q: Where did the first soviet-style elections take place?
A: In the Garden of Eden when Adam chose his wife.

Q: What's the difference between an American and a Soviet tale?
A: The American one starts with "Once upon a time...", the Soviet one with "There'll be a time..."

Q: How does the Soviet government react to a deadlock?
A: We've already announced we won't answer agricultural questions anymore.

Q: Is it true that in the big industrial factories nepotism is practiced?
A: In principle no, the management boards usually are composed of brothers.

Q: Is it true that aspirin can have a contraceptive effect?
A: Yes, if you squeeze it with your knees.

Q: What else can you take off a naked secretary?
A: The general manager.

Q: Is it true that women live longer than men?
A: Yes it is, especially the widows.

Q: Is it true that a rouble, a pound and a dollar have the same value?
A: In principle it is, but it's like that: a pound of roubles equals a dollar.

Q: Is it true that from now on the soviet citizens can order household appliances and food over the internet?
A: Yes it is and the delivery will be over the internet too.

Q: Is it true that the Czechoslovakian people asked our Red Army for help?
A: Yes it is, the 1939 request was granted in 1968.

Q: What is the KGB?
A: It is the party's heart that beats, beats, beats...

Q: Where does the one who create the Radio Erevan jokes live?
A: We don't know exactly, but he'll live there for a very long time.

[Gurn Blanston]

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A blonde standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the blonde sympathetically, "That must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

[Superhorn]

   What's the difference between a fish and  piano ? You can't tuna fish . 
    How do you get down off an elephant ? You can't. Down comes off of ducks .
    If a blonde and a brunette jump off a tall building at the same time , which one
    will hit the ground first ?  The brunette, because the blonde will have to stop
    and ask for directions .
   What's the difference between a  church bell and  a politician ?
    A church bell peals from the steeple, and  a poltician steals from the people .
   A bunch of  crooks tried to  pull of a heist at  th eMetropolitn museum of art ,
   but the  whole thing failed because they couldn't make the van Gogh .
   What's brown and sits on a piano stool in Vienna ? Beethoven's last movement .
   

[snyprrr]

You've heard about gays' travel plans?

The girls are done lickedy split, but the guys are always packing their shit!!



(just for those who say I only pick on Dick Cheney)

[Gurn Blanston]

A  motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry,  sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

[snyprrr]

A  motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry,  sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

Did you steal my HaydnSeek???

[Gurn Blanston]

Did you steal my HaydnSeek???

Nah, yours is a link to somewhere in India, my friend Navneeth already has that covered. I like that you made a pun on a pun though. Well done.

[Karl Henning]

Did you steal my HaydnSeek???

Conspiracy!