The Joke Thread

[Cato]

..., 'Who's that on the balcony with Hank?'

   Wocka Wocka!   

I do believe they told an earlier version of that joke at Valley Forge!

.... to hurt his sense of superiority.

ouh la la... 

What would we do without the French to kick around?

Go back to Kentucky jokes!

[Superhorn]

   What do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen ?
  Linoleum blownapart .

  If you jump off a bridge in Paris ,you're in Seine.

[Cato]

   What do you get when you throw a bomb into a French kitchen ?
  Linoleum blownapart .

  If you jump off a bridge in Paris ,you're in Seine.

Classics!  Always fun revisiting old friends!

[DavidW]

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The
IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.


The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."


"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph.. "How about a
demonstration?"


The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."


Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye."


The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."


Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.


The auditor's jaw drops.


Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye."


The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.


Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.


The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.


"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."


The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.


Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.


The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.


"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the
attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an
audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and
pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[Superhorn]

     What lives at the zoo and plays the piano ?


     A Chopinzee !       LOL                    LOL                        LOL

[Superhorn]

    PETER  PIPER , PEPPER/ PICKLER  PROCESSOR  PERISHES  IN  PRISON


     By Penelope Pritchard - Parsons  ,Petaluma , Pa  (  Petaluma Press )

        Peter Piper , picker and professional  picker of  peppers , has passed away peacefully in prison .
Prior to a period  in  the penitentiary ,  Piper processed  partners in  a pickling  plant .
Poor pay practices  , but  public pressure  on Piper ,   who portrayed  the paltry  pecks  of  peppers
picked  by  produce personnel  as  "pathetic  for profits " 
A plethora  of  persistent  public  prosecutors  piled  petty , pointless plaints  on  Peter .
Police say Piper presented payment  to  prosecutors  for  preferential  protection .
   "Petulant perpetrator  "  profiteers  pressed potently .
Perspicacious pals  passionately protested  Piper's  prosecution .
    Pointless was the polyphony  of  pleas ,   as precipitous   pillories  proved piercingly  poisonous .
Prevaricating , pathos -  piqued  Peter  pleaded  for pity .
Prudence prohibited  prosecutorial   progressiveness  ,  provoking  punctilious  punishment .
Prison   propagated  putrefaction  in  Piper's  political  posture ,
profoundly preying on Peter's   perception   of  plunderous    plutocracies  .
Poise  prevailed  ,  putting plaintive  Peter  at  peace  with  persnickety  prosecutors .


Also , COW . 23    Gravity takes life of  1,025 pound  mother of 17 .

Bovine achieved  world record  high jump, lacked plan for return trip .

    Hastings, Nebraska .  (AP)  A local cow made history  by jumping over the moon last night ,
   only to come crashing  down  at 32 feet per  second .
   The town of Hastings will  honor the accomplishment with a barbecue on Saturday .


     WTF   HAPPENED  TO  ROY  G.  BIV  ? 

     Untimely death causes  abbreviated vacation. .  WPB  Fla  (MSNBC )  Soho resident  and Ranbow Coalition  member
     Roy G. Biv   was on vaca  in FLA from his job with UNICEF . Biv  had been getting some  R&R   visiting EPCOT  ,NASA
     and   had a VIP pass to the big race courtesy of  NASCAR .
     Biv was  SCUBA diving .   Although PADI certified ,   he seems to have panicked after an equipment SNAFU .
     Things became FUBAR PDQ  and then he was SOP .
     The captain screeched  , hoping he'll   be  A-OK .
     When we found him ,  I thought  OMG  !   This   SOB  has made his MILF  a widow !
    He was rushed to a local ER  where an MD  pronounced him DOA  . RIP , Roy G. Biv .



     Tombstone :    Marty Mc Fly   :  1968 -  1953 )   
     
      Beloved Son .
      Loving Father       
      Own Grandfather


      Local man trips over Ottoman , breaks neck .
     
      Rob Petrie , dead at 47 .

      Enraged dentist hunts down Count Chocula ,  353 .
      Drives wooden spoon through heart .

      Flying nun violates D.C. airspace ,  shot down .
     
      Capital evacuated ,  Mother Superior cross .

     
       Space Shuttle Windshield  Damaged By  Giant  Moth  While Flying Over Japan  .

       Burning wing sand  and guts  shower  city below ;   incident angers  giant fire-breathing lizard .


        Tragic  Murder - Suicide At Golden Gate Bridge  .( San Francisco  Chronicle  ) 

         Dick said  "Jump ,Jane, Jump "   Jane jumped .
         Dick  said  "Jump Spot Jump ".  Spot said  "Bark ! Bark ! Bark !"    Spot jumped .
          Dick was sad . "Oh, oh, oh , . What have I done ?"
         Dick jumped, too. 
         The policeman said , "This is not fun. No, no, no. 
         Mother, father ,  Tim and Puff will be sad ".

       
         Emperor dies of  Hypothermia despite new clothes .
          See page 21 .

 

         TWINKLING  LITTLE STAR  EXPLODES  IN  SUPERNOVA .

          Scientists no longer  what it is .       

           (see page 14 )




         Man Falls  Off Treadmill  While  Walking Dog  .  Falls Eight Miles To His  Death 
         On  Planet Below .  George Jetson  was 43 .








                                                                                                                                                                   
         

                   

         

 
                   

   
   
     

[DavidW]

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver's window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver's license and registration?"

The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

The officer, in surprise, said," What? Do you have a registration for the vehicle?"

So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I seen a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!"

The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver's license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.

The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk."

The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too.

[Gurn Blanston]

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die only after Congress gets their heads out of
their asses."

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.



----------------
Now playing:
Chamber Orchestra of Lausanne / Dorati  Norman / Ahnsjö / Burrowes / Ramey / Rolfe Johnson - Hob 28 12 Opera "Armida" pt 15 - Act 1 - Duetto: Cara, sarò fedele

[Superhorn]

   The only good thing about the Ottoman empire was that everybody had a place to put their feet up when tired.

   I went to a general store the other day, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

   Have you heard about the new disease affecting Jewish American Princesses ?
  It's called MAIDS.  They'll just die if they don't get one !

  Why is marriage like a three ring circus ? 
   First there's the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and then suffering !

   Where do you find a  drunken, down and octopus ?   On squid row !

   What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey ?
  enough drum sticks for every one !

  What do you get when you cross an elephant with a peanut butter sandwich ?
  A  2,000 pound sandwich that sticks to the roof of your mouth !

   How do you get down off an elephant ?
   You can't !  Down comes off of ducks !

[Superhorn]

 Tragic Murder/Suicide At Golden Gate Bridge. Dick,Jane and Spot dead.
San Francisco. (San Francisco Chronicle)

Dick said "Jump,Jane,Jump".
Jane jumped. Dick said " Jump,Spot,jump".
  Spot said "Bark ! Bark ! Bark !
Spot jumped. Dick was sad.
  "Oh,oh,oh, what have I done?"
  Dick jumped, too.
  The policeman said,
  "This is not fun. No,no,no. "
   Mother,father, and Puff will be sad !

   Enraged dentist  hunts down Count Chocula,
   aged 400. Drives wooden spoon through throat.

  Local man trips over Ottoman,
  breaks neck. Rob Petrie was 47.

   Flying Nun violates D.C. airspace,
  shot down.
  Capitol evacuated , Mother Superior cross.

  Space shuttle  Windshield Damaged By Giant Moth  While Flying Over Japan.
   Burning wings,sand and guts shower Tokyo below.
   Incident angers  giant fire-breathing lizard .

   Emperor  dies of hypothermia  despite new clothes.
   
   Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle meat .
    Perfect for soup.  89  cents a pound.

   Tombstone :

   Marty Mc Fly 1968 - 1953.
   Beloved son, loving father, own grandfather.

   Help Wanted  :
   Professional live-in nursing care for seven elderly dwarfs.
   Room and board included.  Experience with wide range of
  temperments,illnesses , and disabilities preferred .
   Position includes colorful uniform  with  high collar.

   Twinkling Little Star Explodes In Supernova.
   Scientists  no longer wonder what is.  (See page 14).

   Playful male seeks  vegan female.
   For good times and pumpkin eating.
   Enjoy "Ring around the rosie?"
   I've got a pocketful of posies.
   Rebounding from suffocation of wife in pumpkin shell .
   Reply to Peter, Box 2348.

   WTF happened to Roy G. Biv ?

   Untimely death causes abbreviated vacation
   WPB  Fla, (MSNBC).

   SOHO resident and Rainbow Coalition member Roy G. Biv  was on vaca in  Fla from his job
   with UNICEF. Biv had been getting some R&R  visiting EPCOT ,NASA, and had a VIP pass
   to the big race courtesy of NASCAR .
   Biv was Scuba Diving  .Although  PAPI certified, he seems to have  panicked after
   an equipment SNAFU . Things became FUBAR P.D.Q. and then he was SOP.
   The captain screeched  ,hoping he'd be A-Ok.
   "When I  found him, I thought OMG !  This SOB has made his MILF a widow !"
   He was rushed to a local ER  where an M.D. pronounced him DOA.
   RIP, Roy G. Biv. 

   


                                                                                                                                                                        
    He was
 

 

   

[Bill H.]

OK, this was posted to the rec.music.early newsgroup years ago, hence the "references" tend to be Early Music inspired:

THE MAD REGALIST

Last week I was leaving my favorite restaurant, the Crumb & Horn, near the Nickel Haus at the Harnon Court. I was admiring my new, Italian-made, Gonzaga Green mountain bike (on which I chitarrone quite well).  Then I heard, faintly at first, someone calling my name (it was very hard to hear, but then you can missa lot of things because of the traffic and Busnois).  I turned toward the voice and spotted none other than John Eliot (the Gardener), limping through the traffic toward me like he had just gotten a HIP implant.

"Be careful!" I said as an auto swerved around him.  "I Wilbye there soon."

When I got to him, JEG didn't look well.  "I was almost run over.  I wonder if the driver of that Carissimi?  But...but....OCKEGHEM!!" 

"Bless you," I said. 

"Sorry," was the reply.  "I've had this contrefactum for days, and am only now re-Couperin.  I got it from June Fillette, I'm Certon of that.  And she has such a virginal face, too.  I had hoped to get her into the sack-but that's not why I wanted to talk with you."

"What's the trouble then?" I asked.

"Well," said JEG, "I've just now heard the most tremendous rackett coming from the Church, which made my blood curtal.  It sounded like someone singing, accompanied by some instrument I've never heard before.  It gave me the feeling that it came from another world, so when I saw you, I thought that the two of us together could Handel whatever we find there."

"Thanks a lot, I was afraid you'd say that," I sighed.

As we approached the Church, (the Holy Madonna of Lower Yonkers, or as we all knew it, the Holy M.O.L.Y.), I became aware of a most unique music coming from inside.  It literally chilled me down to my organum.  I recognized that voice immediately!  Dropping my bike, I ran to the church doors, pushed them open, ran up the balcony to the upper Tear, and found....The Infamous  Herr Dr. Weghe!  I immediately knew it was him from his most un-Rooley hair and the Perotin trousers he wore, as he stroked a strange little instrument that gave a most reedy timbre.  And his Parrott-like singing voice combined with it in an absolutely diabolical fashion. 

"Aha, we meet again, Doctor!" I exclaimed.  "What is that instrument, and why are you here playing it?"

"My dear friend, it's a regal," the Doctor replied.  "And since I Emma virtuoso, I will perform on it to pay my arrears and earn great acclaim and wealth.  Here, let Machaut you how it works."  But as he tried to Sheppard me over to the regal, I pulled my hand away.  "Tallis what you will, Doctor, but I know better," I said.  "It's really Pärt of your scheme to take over the World and eventually make everybody listen to accordion Music, isn't it?" 

"You are much less of a Dunstable type than I would have imagined, sir," the Doctor replied.  "But I Dufay you or anyone else to stop me!"

"Rommelpot!  You're mad.  Maybe I can't stop you," I retorted, "But the President of our early music society is Joe Skan, whom we call Da Prez.  He'll make sure that nobody will Sweelinck your story.  If what you do does P.A.N. out, you could earn a lot of lute.  But if it doesn't, there will be no Haydn from us, because we can always Telemann in a lot O'Dette who's running from the Savall Renaissance Music for Posterity Society!"

"I would Figueras much," came the reply....

As we left the church, John Eliot and I were frustrated to say the least.  Herr Weghe had made perfect LeClair his intentions.  Dessus not what we had expected.  "Canti be stopped?" John wondered.  We knew of the hypnotic allure of his regal, and how it would be twelve short steps to forcing accordion music on everybody.  "Let's go find our friend Mark Carpenter.  He'll know how to proceed," I suggested just as the music we had heard in the church started again, but this time played on an accordion, and coming from the street.  Then I saw Herr Weghe, playing as if he had no Kiehr in the world. 

This music was definitely French Baroque, but with a strange familiar Latin beat underneath (dum, da-da-da dum, dum...).  "That's some mean tone," John commented.  Eventually, I was able to Pickett out as the infamous "Lully-Bolero".  It made my head hurt to hear it, but I had no Asperen with me.  Even worse, the effect it had on others made my hair Kerll.  I watched as everyone on the street, including the neighborhood matriarchs Mrss. Rin and Ray (known to all as "Ma" Rin and "Ma" Ray) start dancing to the music's hypnotic beat.  Not wanting to have a bransle on my hands, I shouted at Weghe, but instead of stopping his accordion, I watched him Huggett to his body as he ran down the sidewalk faster than a Byrd on the wing.  Leaving John Eliot behind, I began to chase Herr Weghe.

Past the  Cash 'n' Caurroy, over the Hill Yard and the Guarneri Bridge, through the Harnon Court we ran.  Passing the Monument for the Dead of the Vibrato Wars, he eluded me by ducking into the Arbeauretum.  I was nearly Besard myself when I spied a familiar figure, cigar sticking out of his mouth, in a rumpled, un-Rooley trenchcoat while Leonin on a streetpost.  It was Lieutenant Sainte-Colombo, of the Visse Squad! "Can you help?" I called out.  "You got it, Macque" he said, closing in behind me. 

We entered the Arbeauretum, but our Hunt quickly Graun to a halt.  Suddenly, we heard growling and barking ahead.  Running through a stand of Bachswood trees, we found Herr Weghe cornered, Haydn his face from a stocky dog whose face and body were incredibly wrinkled.  It Baird its teeth at Weghe as if it wanted to Goebel him up.  I then noticed good ol' Mark Carpenter holding back the dog, which was evidently his.  Soon, John Eliot and his friend June Fillette rode up on John's Italian motor scooter (John was famous for using olive oil in its crankcase, so it was naturally called the Vespa Della Beate Extra Vergine).  "I wanted to find June to help on the chase," he explained.  "I didn't know where she was, so I called and luckily was able to ricercar phone."

As Lt. Sainte-Colombo put on the handcuffs, Herr Weghe tried to explain.  "Curses!  I never Minter hurt anyone, but you people did Muffat for me--I just wanted to make some lute, that's all." 

"Bull!" I said.  "You may have taken a Schein to the money, but you fagott that regaling in public  viol-ates the Lawes of good taste.  And what's Morley, your plan for world dominants never diminished.  I saw Eustache that accordion in your trousers when I chased you.  Lawrence Weelkes you're not!  You should Frye for this, but we'll have to be satisfied to Locke you up for good." 

Later, we all met at the tavern owned by Joe Skan for ice-cold bottles of Heinichen and Watkins Ale.  ["Da Prez"  had built an artificial stream running through the place that turned a moaning mill water wheel, hence the tavern's name:  Mill o' Regrets]. 

"Hautbois the way," Lt. Sainte-Colombo asked me, "How did you Tye Herr Weghe's dastardly plan to the music?"

"It wasn't easy," I replied.  "I don't want tabor you with the de tailles, but I knew things weren't Picchi keen when John Eliot told me about the music he heard.  I thought he'd went Encina ghost!  But the 'Lully-Bolero' gave it all away.  Still, I Otter give credit to you Mark, and your remarkable dog.  Where did you get her?"

"Oh, you mean Ti-Yay," said Mark with a smile.  "These Chinese Shar-Pei dogs are way too expensive for me to have Bott one myself.  But my Aunt Montserrat won her in a raffle and gave the dog to me..." 

Thus it was that Herr Weghe and his plans to conquer the world were thwarted, not least by Mark's Aunt-Won Shar-Pei Ti-Yay...

[Opus106]

John was famous for using olive oil in its crankcase, so it was naturally called the Vespa Della Beate Extra Vergine

That's it! I can not take it any longer!

[madaboutmahler]

My sort of joke, and one I use rather often:

The next person to insult Mahler will recieve a hammering.

[MDL]

[Superhorn]

   Why God never received a Ph. D.

  1.  He had only one publication .

  2. It was in Hebrew .

  3. It had no references .

  4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal .

  5. Some doubt that he wrote it himself .

  6. It may be true that he created the world , but what has he done since then ?

  7.  His cooperative efforts have been quite limited .

  8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results .

9.  He never applied to the ethics board  to use human subjects .

10.  When one experiment went awry , he tried to cover it up by drowning his subjects .

11. When subjects  didn't behave as predicted , he deleted them from the sample .

12. He rarely went to class , and just told his students to read his book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class .

14.  He expelled his first two students for learning .

15. Although there were only ten course requirements, most of his students failed his tests .

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top .






                                                                                                                                                                                      

[Gurn Blanston]

Hope Scots John checks this thread out from time to time, this one's for him;

Bagpiper at a Funeral


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a Funeral Director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost, and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for 20 years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....

[DavidW]

A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes.

"What happened to you?" asked the doctor.

"Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field. When we went to investigate, I saw the ball in a cows ass. I went and lifted the tail of the cow and thats when I made my mistake."

The doctor looked puzzled and asked, "What mistake was that?"

"I said Hey this looks like yours hun!"

[Superhorn]

 The four stages of man : Infacy , childhood, adolescence and obsolecense.

  Sing at a bank : To err is human , to forgive is not bank policy.

  My doctor has a great stress test - it's called the bill !

  Did you hear about the veterinarian and the taxidermist who opened up a joint business?
   Their motto is - either way, you get your pet back !

  Did you hear about the dog that's cross between a pit bull and a collie ? 
  After it mauls you, it goes fo rhelp !

  How do you stop a runaway horse ? Bet on it !

  I just bought an ant farm, but I'm stupmped because I don't know how to find a
  tractor that small .

  Why don't men trust women ? Would you trust something that bled for three days
  and didn't die ?

  Food is an important part of a balanced diet .

  Behind every successful man stands and amazed woman .

  What's the advantage of electing a woman President ? 
  The goverment wouldn't have to pay her as much as a man .

  I don't know why they couple death and taxes. You only die once !

  Why do women like silent men ? They think they're listening to them !

  What kind of cigarettes do Jews smoke ? Gefiltered !

  If it weren't for my faults, I'd be perfect !

  The English think that incompetence is the same thing as sincerity .

  The three stages of man - Youth, middle age, and "Gee you look good !"

  Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends !

  I am nobody . Nobody is perfect . Therefore, I am perfect !

  What do you give an elephant with diarrhea ? Lots of room !

  What do you call a parrot wearing a rain coat ?  Polly unsaturated .

  Did you hear about the guy who got thrown out of a mime show whne he had a seisure?
  They thought he was a heckler !

 





                                                                                                                          

 
 
 
   
 

[Karl Henning]

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

[Karl Henning]

I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.

He said, "No, no. A jazz chord."

I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn't like that either.

"No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, 'A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.'"

~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~

Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can't do both.