The Joke Thread

[Octo_Russ]

A true story,

A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+ in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig and gets a hold of his friend to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.

They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to attract ducks - something the decoys will float on.

Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock of ducks - a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a little more than an ice hole drill...

Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now to their credit, these two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns AND THE DOG? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab (used for retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice - all to the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the hell to do now...

The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms - yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda panicked... Now finally one of the guys decides to think - something that neither had done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duck shot and hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time the dog - still standing, became REALLY confused & of course scared...

Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is sitting nearby on the lake ice.

BOOM! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this happened to me" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy...He had yet to make his first car payment.

[ibanezmonster]

An Irishman,  a Mexican and  a Blonde Guy were  doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,  'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time  I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blond opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again!  If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The  blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as  well.

At  the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The  Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife. The  blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch..'



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Now playing:
London SO \ Jochum 1979 - Op 125 Symphony #9 in d 3rd mvmt - Adagio molto e cantabile - Andante moderato

I've heard this one twice in church... have memorized it for years...

[Gurn Blanston]

I've heard this one twice in church... have memorized it for years...

Yeah? Well you never told it to ME!    



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Now playing:
Leningrad PO / Mravinsky  David Oistrakh - Shostakovich Op 077 Concerto #1 in a for Violin 1st mvmt - Nocturne

[Mn Dave]

Not sure if anyone has posted this before, and when have I ever cared anyway? 

http://anti-joke.com/

[Gurn Blanston]

Not sure if anyone has posted this before, and when have I ever cared anyway? 

http://anti-joke.com/

Well. That was funny.

[Mn Dave]

"What would George Washington do if he were alive today?

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin."

[DavidW]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.


On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home..


While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.


On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[Mn Dave]

Ha.

I expected the joke that ends, "Hold my cock and pullet while I tickle my ass."

I would expect that. 

[DavidW]

Ha.

I expected the joke that ends, "Hold my cock and pullet while I tickle my ass."

I would expect that. 

That would make for a good variation with a mule!

[Gurn Blanston]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.


On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home..


While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.


On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

Heard it before, it doesn't lose a thing with the retelling.



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Now playing:
Chamber Orchestra of the Conservatory of Mantua \ Pedretti - Gatti L7e: 4 Concerto in F for Bassoon 2nd mvmt - Romance: Adagio sostenuto

[Mn Dave]

Here it be:

http://www.jokes-news.com/search/roosters

[DavidW]

Yeah that's a good un Dave!

[Superhorn]

    What was Bach's favorite food ?

    Brandenburgers, of course !








                                                                                         :







                                                                                                           

[Superhorn]

   I missed my nap the other day.  I slept right through it.

   Art Theater : A place where the theater is clean, and the pictures are flthy.

  World's shortest will : "Being of sound mind, I spent all my money".

  Here's a way to cause confusion. Walk into an antique store and ask "What's new?"

  Squirrel's nest: A nutcracker suite.

  What good  is happiness ? It can't buy money .

  What do you give tot he man who has everything ? Antibiotics.

  Headline : Father of 14 shot - mistaken for a rabbit.

  Alimony : Bounty on the mutiny.

  I've got an allergy. I'm allergic to work.

  Hangover : The wrath of grapes.

  Marriage starts with billing and ccoing, but only the billing lasts.

  The biggest difference between men and boys is the cost of their toys.

  Baby Sitter : A teenager acting like an adult while the parents are out acting like
  teenagers.

  Adolescence: The time between puberty and adultery.

  Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.






                                                                                                                                      

 

 

 
 

 

[Gurn Blanston]

A good ole boy from West Virginia won a bass boat in a raffle drawing.  He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,

"What'cha you gonna do with that there boat?  You know there ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of this here place."

He says, "I won it fair and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later.  He sees the wife and asks her where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat down in the middle of a big field with a fishing rod in his hand.  He yells out to him, "What'cha doin'?"

His brother replies, "What the hell does it look like I'm a doin'?  I'm fishin'".

His brother yells back, "It's people like y'all that give people from West Virginia a bad name.  All y'all make folks from everywhere else think we is stupid.   If I could swim, I'd come on out there and whip your ass!"

[DavidW]

Hank, the guy who knows everyone
Hank was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Hank how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Hank and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Hank! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Hank's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Hank that he thinks Hank's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Hank says. ''President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Hank says, "I know him. His boss retorts if you can prove that you know him I'll fly out to Washington to see him."

And off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Hank on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Hank, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Hank, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Hank. "I've known the Pope a long time."
Again the unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Hank and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Hank says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Hank emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Hank returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss's
side, Hank asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Hank?'

[DavidW]

Haha that's terrible! Loved it.

[Florestan]

Haha that's terrible! Loved it.

Nah... rather lame... sorry, George. 

(No, I'm not Roman Catholic)

[Florestan]

No need to apologize. I find jokes even funnier when others don't like them.

I know this feeling. 

[Papy Oli]

where do you need to shoot a frenchman to be certain to hurt him properly ?




.... about a couple of inches above his head






.... to hurt his sense of superiority...



ouh la la...