The Joke Thread

[Kalevala]

Right? So very wrong.

Hmmm...cold mocha coffee? 🤔

K

[arpeggio]

One of a piano player's gig was playing at a bar.

Part of his routine was that he had a pet monkey that would go around trying to solicit tips.

One evening the monkey relieved himself in a customer's beer.

Customer confronted the piano player saying, "Do you know your monkey peed in my beer?"

The piano player responded, "No. But if you hum a few bars, I will fake it."

[Karl Henning]

Courtesy of the legendary Philip Proctor:

Husband: What's for dinner?
Wife: Nothing. 
Husband: We had nothing last night.
Wife: I know, I made enough for two days. 

[DaveF]

Husband: What's for dinner?
Wife: Nothing.
Husband: We had nothing last night.
Wife: I know, I made enough for two days.

Another exchange between almost certainly the same couple:

Husband: I ran all the way home after the bus today and saved £2!
Wife: Idiot.  You should have run home after a cab and saved £10.

[San Antone]

Man #1: "You sure an argumentative sort."

Man #2: "No I"m not."

[Irons]

Not a joke but made me laugh.

Peter Shilton, one of the best goalkeepers of his generation, towards the end of his career was appointed player/coach of Plymouth Argyle.

A story, possibly apocryphal, concerned a press conference Shilton gave after a heavy defeat when Shilton claimed Plymouth Argyle would "like a pheasant rise from the ashes" a reporter said "don't you mean phoenix?" to which Shilton replied "whatever, they both begin with F".

[DaveF]

A story, possibly apocryphal, concerned a press conference Shilton gave after a heavy defeat when Shilton claimed Plymouth Argyle would "like a pheasant rise from the ashes" a reporter said "don't you mean phoenix?" to which Shilton replied "whatever, they both begin with F".

Argyle sure pick their managers, don't they?  Recent form is rather more pheasant-like - one that's been recently shot and plummeting out of the sky.

Another possibly apocryphal exchange, this between Harry Carpenter and Frank Bruno:
Carpenter: Now Frank, they're saying that Tyson is invincible, what do you have to say to that?
Bruno: Well, I hope that ain't true, Harry, otherwise I won't be able to see him.

[Number Six]

An old woman would regularly come onto her porch and pray. Her neighbor, an atheist, could often hear her prayers. One day, she was praying for groceries. During the night, the neighbor snuck a bag of groceries onto her porch.

The next morning, she prayed, "Thank you, Lord, for these groceries!"

The neighbor said, "It wasn't God. It was me! Hah!"

The woman prayed, "Thank you, Lord. You didn't just get me groceries - you even made the devil pay for them!"

[Florestan]

A church caughts fire during Sunday service. People leave in panic.

Firefighters arrive, their chief calls the priest inside: "Father, get  out quickly!"

The priest replies: "I'm under God's protection, son!"

Firefighters do their job but the inside of the church is still burning. The chief calls again: "Father, time is running out, get out as fast you can!"

The priest replies: "I'm not leaving my church, son, God will protect me!"

Ten minutes later, church still burning inside, the chief calls again, in desperation: "Father, don't be a fool, get out now!"

The priest replies: "I told you already, I'm under God's protection".

Quarter of an hour later the church burns down completely. The priest obviously dies and goes to Heaven. Seeing God, he is indignant: "Why Lord, oh why, why didn't you save me?"

God replies: "Are you nuts? Three times I sent the chief firefighter to take you out!"

[Wendell_E]

A church caughts fire during Sunday service. People leave in panic.

Firefighters arrive, their chief calls the priest inside: "Father, get  out quickly!"

The priest replies: "I'm under God's protection, son!"

Firefighters do their job but the inside of the church is still burning. The chief calls again: "Father, time is running out, get out as fast you can!"

The priest replies: "I'm not leaving my church, son, God will protect me!"

Ten minutes later, church still burning inside, the chief calls again, in desperation: "Father, don't be a fool, get out now!"

The priest replies: "I told you already, I'm under God's protection".

Quarter of an hour later the church burns down completely. The priest obviously dies and goes to Heaven. Seeing God, he is indignant: "Why Lord, oh why, why didn't you save me?"

God replies: "Are you nuts? Three times I sent the chief firefighter to take you out!"

I've frequently heard a version of that joke with water instead of fire:

"A man was trapped in his house during a flood. He began praying to God to rescue him. He had a vision in his head of God's hand reaching down from heaven and lifting him to safety. The water started to rise in his house. His neighbor urged him to leave and offered him a ride to safety. The man yelled back, "I am waiting for God to save me." The neighbor then drove off in his pick-up truck.

The man continued to pray and hold on to his vision. As the water began rising in his house, he had to climb up to the roof. A boat came by with some people heading for safe ground. They yelled at the man to grab a rope they were ready to throw and take him to safety. He told them that he was waiting for God to save him. They shook their heads and moved on.

The man continued to pray, believing with all his heart that he would be saved by God. The floodwaters continued to rise. A helicopter flew by and a voice came over a loudspeaker offering to lower a ladder and take him off the roof. The man waved the helicopter away, shouting back that he was waiting for God to save him. The helicopter left. The flooding water came over the roof and caught him up and swept him away. He drowned.

When he reached heaven and asked, "God, why did you not save me? I believed in you with all my heart. Why did you let me drown?" God replied, "I sent you a pick-up truck, a boat, and a helicopter and you refused all of them. What else could I possibly do for you?"

[Florestan]

A gambler, drunkard, womanizer jobless guy goes to a hiring interview. As he drives in the parking lot, there's no free lot to park his car. After ten minutes of driving around, he prays : "Dear Lord, please make a miracle and free a lot for me. If you do that, I promise I'll never again gamble one single dollar, drink one single shot and pick up one single chick!" No sooner did he end his prayer than a car leaves the parking just ahead of him, freeing a lot. "Forget it, Lord," says he, "there's no need anymore."

[SimonNZ]

I've frequently heard a version of that joke with water instead of fire:

"A man was trapped in his house during a flood. He began praying to God to rescue him. He had a vision in his head of God's hand reaching down from heaven and lifting him to safety. The water started to rise in his house. His neighbor urged him to leave and offered him a ride to safety. The man yelled back, "I am waiting for God to save me." The neighbor then drove off in his pick-up truck.

The man continued to pray and hold on to his vision. As the water began rising in his house, he had to climb up to the roof. A boat came by with some people heading for safe ground. They yelled at the man to grab a rope they were ready to throw and take him to safety. He told them that he was waiting for God to save him. They shook their heads and moved on.

The man continued to pray, believing with all his heart that he would be saved by God. The floodwaters continued to rise. A helicopter flew by and a voice came over a loudspeaker offering to lower a ladder and take him off the roof. The man waved the helicopter away, shouting back that he was waiting for God to save him. The helicopter left. The flooding water came over the roof and caught him up and swept him away. He drowned.

When he reached heaven and asked, "God, why did you not save me? I believed in you with all my heart. Why did you let me drown?" God replied, "I sent you a pick-up truck, a boat, and a helicopter and you refused all of them. What else could I possibly do for you?"

Stop sending floods.


just seen:

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ah.
Ah who?
Warewolves of London.

[Kalevala]

@SimonNZ  Cute joke!  Now I've got W.Z.'s voice stuck in my head!

K

[drogulus]

     A worm walks into a bar.

[Florestan]

An Irishman gets out of a bar.

[Number Six]

I hate Russian nesting dolls.

So full of themselves.

[Karl Henning]

To make Baby Powder, do you have to wait for the babies to dry out, or is there a way to accelerate the process?

[Roasted Swan]

To make Baby Powder, do you have to wait for the babies to dry out, or is there a way to accelerate the process?

and to reconstitute them, do you pour the boiling water over the powder, or add the powder to the water?  One way you end up with lumpy babies, but I can never remember which way round it is.......

[Christo]

A church caughts fire during Sunday service. People leave in panic.

Firefighters arrive, their chief calls the priest inside: "Father, get  out quickly!"

The priest replies: "I'm under God's protection, son!"

Firefighters do their job but the inside of the church is still burning. The chief calls again: "Father, time is running out, get out as fast you can!"

The priest replies: "I'm not leaving my church, son, God will protect me!"

Ten minutes later, church still burning inside, the chief calls again, in desperation: "Father, don't be a fool, get out now!"

The priest replies: "I told you already, I'm under God's protection".

Quarter of an hour later the church burns down completely. The priest obviously dies and goes to Heaven. Seeing God, he is indignant: "Why Lord, oh why, why didn't you save me?"

God replies: "Are you nuts? Three times I sent the chief firefighter to take you out!"

Which is nothing but the age-old Christian view, in the words of scholasticism, that the 'causa prima' works through causae secundae, or by natural ways. 

[steve ridgway]

Which is nothing but the age-old Christian view, in the words of scholasticism, that the 'causa prima' works through causae secundae, or by natural ways. 

Surprising events occurring through apparent chance is much more fun than seeing someone else with magical powers perform an overt miracle .